Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

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Hi Everyone!! I hope you're having a great day. Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.A Message from John CleeseTo the citizens of the United States of America:In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and topped not with ketchup but with vinegar.11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.God save the Queen.Only He can.Signed - John Cleese Here! Here!! GREAT BIG HUGCraig!!

what the...lol

Cool we get the letter U back!Will her Majesty also let our news reporters know there is no such word as "speeded", rain or snow need no modifier (or whatever the hell it is) such as "rain activity." I mean rain can stand on it's own. It's like saying, "John is in the bathroom partaking in a piss activity." It unnecessary. All we need to know is "John is in the bathroom taking a piss." We don't need any other words to make it sound more important. Same applies to rain. Also, its "cut muster" not "cut mustard" any media types that make this mistake should be summarily executed.This shit used to piss me off long before Georgy ever wrote about it but I think him for bring to the attention of the world.

Originally Posted By: Craig with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; No need for the clarification. We're Brittish now!

right! lol

ROTFLMAO! I love John Cleese.God bless you, John Cleese! Thanks Craig, that just made my day!

cant stop laughing thats great.... er... brilliant

What about Japanese cars :-(And baseball is played in a lot of American nations (America, not the U.S.A. I mean) as well as Japan. Would have been better to talk about Hockey. I don't think any other country apart from the U.S. and Canadia play it; correct me if I'm wrong.

Not written by John Cleese: http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

Why did you have to kill my happiness, Ineligible?(It's still funny though, lol)

Rebuttal Quote: SUBJECT : Notice of Revocation of IndependenceTo the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o-chum!However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you attempt to enforce your new policy ( for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions we hope you adopt:1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum"(note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminum" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100-98.85= 1.15 and 100-97.85=2.15)4.If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked " Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels","Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with the music, so keep up with the good work on that front.5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes it's title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle in the Wind" again for you guys. 6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This justin: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.7.Learn how to cook. England has some top-notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.8. Your doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that your drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apoligize for "Teletubbies".Thank you for your time. You may now return to watching bad Australian soap operas. P.S.-Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Originally Posted By: IneligibleNot written by John Cleese: http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp Well I'm SURE he must have READ it!! And that's good enough for ME!!So there!! GBH - Craig!! PS I hope you're OK.

I trust that her majesty will also address such atrocities to the language as "with regards to" and "PIN number" as well as refering to a club house sandwich as a "triple decker"

The thing I would love for her to address is the recent phenomenon of supposedly "educated" people (usually 30-ish and under) insisting on misusing the pronoun "I".

"I" is a subjective pronoun. It is never to be used as an objective pronoun.

Never EVER say "He gave that to my girlfriend and I."
or
"Everyone's against my friend and I."

Kind of a pet peeve of mine...

Hi damien!! I hope you're OK. Oops!!I mean....ME hope you're OK!! lol Just kidding!!I know exactly what you mean. Another 'thing' that bugs me is how all of us are now referred to as 'guys'. Guys are guys and GIRLS are guys. "Hey you guys....!!" UGH!! How very 'trailer park'.GBH - Craig!!

Damien, I hear ya bother! cripes that is such a simple rule of grammer that is so often forgotten!
Craig, unfortunatly one of the places that English is lacking is gender neutral pronowns. That's why you hear people use the word "they" when they don't know if they are refering to "he" or "she"
That, of course, is incorrect because "they" is plural.
Now, possibly saying "guys" is technically in keeping with the rules of grammer if you consider that the correct default pronown is "he".

On the word they, people don't usually want to say "he or she" in normal speech, so they is used instead. In 50 years, I bet it will be grammatically accepted.Same with in Spanish. When you refer to guys and girls you say "ellos". Although, on the subject I sort of brought up with quotes, I'm always unsure whether to put a comma after or in when just referring to a single word in quotes and not a specific quote (which would have it inside).

A few years ago, I saw the word "themself" in a magazine (instead of "himself or herself", which is awkward).I always take punctuation marks outside quotes.

Originally Posted By: CiderOn the word they, people don't usually want to say "he or she" in normal speech, so they is used instead. In 50 years, I bet it will be grammatically accepted."they" will never be accepted as a singular pronoun. It doesn't make sense.but there again, ignorant abborations of the language do occasionally gain acceptance... like "organic food"

I say it like that to make people annoyed like you :-PProbably should have added "heavily" and "well" to the sentence :-P And here I go forgetting about the movie Miracle :-P