Darkside

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I tried, I really did. I put myself in situations that made me feel ill to fight my problems with anxiety. I kept myself busy when I was depressed, but then it all comes back smashing you in the face.A year an a half it's been. I saw my therapist week after week, hoping for 'help'. When things got tough, I spilled the beans, "It will get better" she said, "Try distraction or breath" she added. The same thing I'm told time after time. So I go home home tail between legs and head down wondering what to do next. Time goes by, I start feeling a bit better, then it's back again. I go back, spill the beans "It will get better", "Try distraction or breath". I go home, tail between legs, head down, YOU GET THE IDEA.Everything is always the same. Depressed regularly, moody, regularly, sensitive regularly, cut off and isolated and obsessed. So where's help when you need it? "Go see the doctor" I go. "I'm not qualified to assess you, but I'll pass you back on to your therapist and then discuss it further".Dr Green: I suggest you try changing your diet, and keep going with your exercise. I'm exhausted, my muscles ache, I can barely move I hurt so much from exercising every week."hey y'know, this exercising isn't helping the problem"Therapist: Keep going at it."Hey y'know I'm still the same, I don't feel any better"Therapist: Okay, have you been writing down your thoughts?"Yes, but it isn't helping"Therapist: Try distracting yourselfFUCK OFF!What a load of fucking bull shit. This isn't therapy, this is using common sense. I'm sick of it.In my jobs it's like stuff is said behind my back like "He's too slow, I don't want him working here", "He's quiet and weird"When I'm at a restaurant some fucker will be sat opposite me on another table jsut staring at me, leaving me with not knowing what to do with myself. When I'm at a social event, I end up in the chair next to the door that everyone pushes past and always asks to move. Or sat inbetween two people who wanto have a conversation and I've got nowhere else to sit and I'm like leaning back so hard that the back of chair prints into my back.When asked for a hand, I'm always the last person on earth. If asked for anything even.People always think of me as some kinda of person they can exploit, toy with, wind up, piss off and make fun of. I'm sick of it.I try to see the light all the time, but I just get anxious, and depressed. When I fall to the dark, I feel better, fuck knows why. It's like if I be nasty or aggressive, or whatever, my anxiety starts to go away. I'm sick of the world, fuck it. I'm fed up of all this bullshit. Day after day, I look at my wrists and just think, maybe just maybe I should just slit them. In my dreams, I dream of the world being fucked up. Streets abandoned, people living like tramps, suffering. It acts like annoying tune you hear on the radio that you don't want to remember, but plays on in your head. Each day I feel closer to something that's going to be so horrific and bad, that I just can't imagine. Like it will be soon.I know posting here won't get me help. But I just wanted to vent.

I'm sorry to hear of your continuing problems.In March, Ineligible said, "I think medication would be well worthwhile." I strongly concur. Are you still doing only talk therapy? It seems kind of silly not to have tried an antidepressant, if you haven't already. The risk is low, and the potential benefit is very high.The problem with depression is that your demeanor when you're depressed affects how people act toward you, which makes feel more marginalized and depresed, and so on down the spiral. I would seriously recommend a trip to a psychiatrist, who will be the most knoweledgeable about prescribing antidepressants and anxyolitics (anti-anxiety agents).

Yeah I know Steve Thing is, everytime I've went to discuss the option I'm told to wait to see my psychiatrist (Dr Green) who then tells me I should be fine and then just gives me a load of tasks. It's like a big a circle of never ending torture. I communicate it to people (how I feel) and they just think I will get better or it's just a phase, when it always stays the same. I've been to my GP many times about this and I just get referred back to hands of my psychiatrist and around and around we go.When it gets like this all the time, I just lose hope because I only go so far.

Dude, you need to find a new psychiatrist. The one you have isn't doing the job.

I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty like I've done something terrible. When people help me I feel like I don't deserve it.Now my problem is that I can't deal with receiving help. When I look into their eyes and see sympathy for me, and then I look deeper I feel like I can see their own problems which makes me question myself. It's like everytime I look at someone who is trying to help me I can't help but worry about them putting themselves out for me. They care, but who is helping them? this is what troubles me a lot. I want help, but when help is there or kinda there, I feel awful for accepting it - some part of me makes me feel like I'm a loser and worthless. But it breaks my heart everytime and then I fall deeper into depression. I feel sorry for SteveA who's always helping, but who helps him? I can't help but feel sorry.I feel sorry for Ineligible who's always there to help but who helps him when things get heavy?I feel sorry for Amanda she's always kind and thoughtful, so who helps her?HelmsmaN is always there for people, who helps him?WalkeN who's going through a rough time, who's helping him?and august winterman, Java Addict, FaBMX, Angel, InSearch, no1sexpotinusa, vincubus, bobalicious and many, many more.

Just because we don't post our issues doesn't mean that we don't have issues. In fact, some of our issues should be self-evident. But don't assume that we have no support system, or people to take care of us.Why do people help other people? It's hard to say. Maybe it gives the people rendering help an ego boost or a sense of purpose. Some people feel that they're carrying out the will of a higher intelligence or morality. There's also the karmic idea that what goes around comes around: if you help others, there will be people to help you, when you need it.When people offer help, it's pretty pointless to question their motives, or to worry about their issues. If someone rescues you when you're drowning, you don't worry whether they had a nutritious lunch that day. You need to keep things in perspective.Even if you're seeking help, there's no reason that you yourself can't offer help to others. "Help" does not necessarily mean solving people's problems. Keep the karma going.

Well said.> Clearly it's time to fire Dr. Green and find someone that can get you results, and drugs if need be. Yes.

I have tons of problems. I've been through a lot. I see a therapist and I'm on medications. Just because I don't share on here, doesn't mean I don't pain.

Notsogood isn't saying that helpful people here don't have problems - on the contrary, he is upset that he is not helping them, taking and not giving.

My philosophy is that helping and supporting each other is what we do because we are all weak and imperfect and broken. And I don't feel it should be a commercial transaction, where you weigh up the help you have given others against the help you have been given and try to make it balance. In my view you help when you can, without expecting any return, and you receive help when you get it, without any obligation. It should be given for free and received for free - and the latter is often the harder thing to do (and perhaps therefore the more meritorious?).

I think everyone has a darkside. I know I do. Especially when you get to that point where you want to get out a big shot gun and shoot everyone in your house... I have those days.

After what Inelible said, I realize that I didn't express myself well. What I really mean is that part of being human is to be part the web. There's not literally a karmic accounting of who does what for whom. We don't calculate how much we love each of our children or our friends. If people need help, they deserve help. If people can give help they should give help. In a civilized society, it's as simple as that. And who knows what the future holds? We all have our ups and downs. For all we know, you may become the Prime Minister.

no 1> assholes

Thankfully notsogood doesn't have an issue with assholes.

I'd just like to say that I didn't mean to come across in the way that I don't realize some of you hurt. I was trying to say that I know all of us do and I worry about that.Sorry Amanda I did not mean to offend you in any way. And that goes for anyone else who I may have offended.Thanks SteveA, thanks Ineligible, thanks Helmsman, I do appreciate your help. I'd also like to send my sympathy's to no1sexspotusa and Amanda.I think the problem with me is I don't know how to help when I want to help. And I always, always think that when somebody helps me I need to return it so I guess that's my guilt. It's dealing with it that's the problem. Maybe if my head didn't keep screwing up, I might be actually able to help better I'm not sure. I'll find some way hopefully.One way I do offer 'some help' is that I offer support to people. If you have a load on your mind, or something is troubling you I don't mind helping. PM me for my email and I'll keep in touch, if you want.

Just a note before I begin what is likely to be a long reply to the original posters message... I havent read the replies to this post, so forgive me if I repeat anything other people have said..What you feel and think sound a lot like what I've felt and thought in past years.. I know it's hard for someone in that state of mind to open their ears and their minds to what people have to say, but if at all possible.. Force yourself to do that in this situation.. A lot of times when we're depressed and feeling negative to just the thought of life, we ignore everyone.. We act as though we're absorbing the advice thats given, but in reality the advice given is just bouncing off the person who is "receiving" the advice.. Dont do that.. Eventually you have to open up and listen, if you dont.. Where will you be? Sometimes we say we want to change and we want it to be different but when changes are sitting in front of us we dont accept them or even acknowledge them because the trouble seems like too much..So.. You have a therapist that obviously isnt helping.. They're giving the same advice they give everyone who comes into their office.. The writing, the breathing.. Thats the same thing my therapist said to me and every other patient who walked through their door.. Lets face it, some people just want to get paid.. I'd suggest finding a new therapist and talking to a psychiatrist if you havent already.. They're able to do a full psychiatric evaluation and determine whether or not drugs are in order to help fight your depression.. In your post you sounded like you've already made your mind up that you've been defeated.. Thats the biggest problem that will hold you back.. You've already made yourself believe that you've been defeated and theres no hope.. And.. You've basically (it seems to me anyway, and I could be wrong) left it up to other people to "cure" you.. No one can cure you but you.. Unless you do suffer from a chemical imbalance or a mental disorder, in which case drugs are definately in order... But if you dont (see a psychiatrist!!!!) suffer from a chemical imbalance or mental disorder then your happiness it completely in your hands.. Not your therapists... No one can wave a magic wand and cure you.. That was hard for me to realize and I'm sure it'll be hard for you or anyone else to realize too.. Depression takes hold of you.. And it really makes you feel like you have no control over your life or feelings.. As if you're a puppet and depression is the puppet master.. Seriously, I know.. It sucks.. But you can take control back if you try.. Really try..Your therapist suggested writing.. And although that is a very good outlet for a lot of people, it does not help every single person.. Different people need different outlets.. Try anything.. You could paint.. Thats what I did.. I dont know if that interests you.. But it can be fun, as long as you dont try too hard.. Once you start trying to acheive perfection it becomes an impossible and quite frustrating task..You could try to learn something new.. To occupy your time and it can also help you interact with other people.. I took up Tarot reading.. Not only does it help me in my day to day life with readings, but other people really get a kick out of what you can tell them in a deck of cards.. No matter how much or how little they believe in it.. You could take up guitar, or another instrument.. Something that takes a lot of dicipline and dedication..Anyway, you get the idea.. Well.. I've made this long enough.. So I'll wrap it up..Just dont let yourself believe you've been defeated, thats your first mistake... You wont get anywhere no matter how much other people try to help you as long as you feel defeated.. Try to catch hold of that last glimmer of hope, and help it to grow.. If you ever need to vent... PM is always available here on the forum.Hugs,AG

First of all, thank you for replying to this thread.The main reason is I suffer from anxiety. Now, this was primarily the reason why I went to see my therapist, so I could climb out of the fear and do the things I wanted.Over the past 2yrs I've achieved many goals (which I'm proud to say) and done many things I could've never have done before. However I could only go so far using what I had learnt from my therapist, which left me with a big unexplored hole to go through.Frustration was always a big problem of mine. I had conquered some of problems but I still had some left. So I discussed this and was told the same every time, such as "do this, do that" and eventually I just got tired of hearing it. I was being told the same thing over and over and I just couldn't believe that was all there was... And to mention another thing, I'm usually a very positive person (always looking for hope) but when I've been wasting my time for around 10 months being unable to overcome my other problems, I became naturally frustrated like I'm sure anyone would.I started a strict 'healthy' diet of no junk food, no sugar, and no processed crap. Then I started taking vitamins, exercising until I realised it only helped me a little. I then went in another direction and went under hypnosis many times which still, only helped a little. So I threw myself out the door each day with a positive mindset "this isn't gonna happen today. Today will be great!" and then, without me consciously being aware, my feelings fled in. I puked, I wept and I sighed. So I thought 'friends!' I need to hang around more with my 'friends' - social interaction will help! Nope, I left many occasions early when I was with my friends as it had resulted in me throwing up at some point in the toilet and feeling very unwell or just generally so depressed about everything that I became like, what I would describe as an annoyance to everyone.As time went I just gradually got more and more depressed each day. I felt like somebody going slowly insane. And in regards to already being defeated, I will tell you no that is not true. I'm going through a rough time, but I'm not defeated. At the time of me writing that I was just really pissed off and I needed to vent. I understood that what I was doing was not enough and action needed to be taken and being under the agony of having no help for so long took its toll, throwing me deeper into depression.A lot of the things you suggest e.g. "occupy your time", are things I already know of and do.I'm never one to sit still and cry about my feelings all day. I do take action, and people's advice is taken in, if its something I don't already know or I haven't tried.Chemical imbalance, mental disorders... Hmm well, I suppose we'll have to wait and see for that one being diagnosed. But let me say this, each of us are different like you say, and what may work for you may not work for me. So with this in mind, it's hard to exactly pinpoint what works. Which is why I would like to move to another therapy to try something else. And about that, I don't rely on other people to do the work for me. At the end of the day I do realise it's me solely that has to make the steps not the other person - they can only show me the way and I have to be able to walk it.I'm delighted by your reply btw but I just felt that I should clear a few things up for those that may not understand the story to its entirety.

I do take action, and people's advice is taken in, if its something I don't already know or I haven't tried.OK...> Chemical imbalance, mental disorders...I don't know about "mental disorders", but "chemical imbalances" seem to be very common.> Hmm well, I suppose we'll have to wait and see for that one being diagnosed.Trying an antidepressant drug is not like getting a liver transplant. The side effects are not usually intolerable, and if they are, you can just stop taking the drug, and try a different one. Or not.> But let me say this, each of us are different like you say, and what may work for you may not work for me.Yes, but you won't know until you try.Maybe antidepressants are handed out too readily in the U.S., but it's good that trying them is not such a federal case.

Hello again.Thanks for clearing all that up.. I hope you werent offended by my post... It was simply a reply to the negativity in the original post.. Hehe. Your more recent post sounds a lot more positive and uplifting...I feel for you because it sounds like the normal things that help a lot of people dont work for you.. Like I said everyone is different, and what may work for me may not work for you.. I was pretty easy to help.. I did the normal painting and creativity and it helped me occupy my mind and get my feelings out on a canvas.. But for some other people it's not that easy.. I suppose you just have to explore different things, and.. If nothing is working then I'd say it's really time to go see that psychiatrist and get a professional diagnosis.. Again.. I hope you took no offense to my post.. I was simply speaking my mind, and I realize that at times I can be a little too blunt in doing so.. So my apologies..Let us know how the therapist search goes..Hugs,AG

Ok, so I just thought I'd let you all know. This is sort of an update.Right, so first of all I saw my psychiatrist again with my therapist and we basically weighed up all the problems. My therapist was really supportive she made it clear to him that I was really depressed and things weren't working. During that meeting, he informed me of the different treatments. He concluded that out of all them, the best (Statistically speaking) was cognitive therapy with medication and told me to think about it and come back. The next appt, I brought my mum (to help me explain the problems I was facing) and did so very well. It resulted in me having a prescription written for me, and this was Prozac.It's now day 4 using this, and I'm very wired and hyper - aswell as feeling sick and anxious. I was told this was only temporary and the full effect of the drug would kick in after 2-4 weeks. So, atleast there's going to be something good out of all this. Hopefully I will start to feel better and I'd just like to say, here's to a better future!

thats great news hon, you may still have your down days even when on prozac, but there is light at the end of the tunnel now hugs

I'm surprised it's having an effect that quickly. When my father took Paxil (also an SSRI), it took weeks to show any effect. Before it kicked in, he had a short (a day or two) period of euphoria, where he was wired, slapping everyone on the back, talking a lot, etc. After that, he returned to normal.I'm glad you're giving the antidepressant drug path a chance.

I'm feeling so unwell. I thought I'd post here because someone might be able to relate to this. It's now a little over a week since taking prozac and I just feel absolutely awful. I feel nauseas and really anxious I can't stop shaking. I've also lost my apetite and can barely eat anything. I can't go outside in wide open spaces either because it makes me feel like vertigo. I just don't know what to do. I've missed time off work and college because it's so bad.