Hey guys!First let me say im new to this forum, but have been here for a while just reading up on random posts! I love this place, and hope to contribute just as much, if not more information thats shared .But now with my problem..I've just recently begun a relationship with a wonderful friend of mine, even though we've only known each other for about a month. Anyway, somehow we got to talking about relationships.I, myself have only been in three relationships, none of which were even serious. The longest one lasted maybe two months :-/.Shes been in only two relationships, and they were also short term. However, shes no longer a virgin anymore.I dont know why it bothers me soooo much, but when she told me she wasn't a virgin and that it was a big mistake, i sort of felt differently about her. I was always hoping to loose my virginity to a VERY special someone, if not waiting till marriage (while having that special someone be a virgin as well). It's just really confusing, and i dont mean to sound harsh, but i feel like i've lost alot of respect for her, seeing how she said one of her relationships lasted only a summer. I want to continue a relationship with her, but that thought has always been in the back of my mind.So I ask:- Should I be this upset?- Are my views wrong? I know in Europe and other places around the world, sex is like candy lol. They really could care less about what im thinking of.- What do you think? How do you take the virginity topic? Is it really that important, or am i just a wuss?thanks guys for your time! I know its a looooong read, but i appreciate any comments!john
-
Weird feelings about VIRGINITY!
-
>>>>I dont know why it bothers me soooo much, but when she told me she wasn't a virgin and that it was a big mistake, i sort of felt differently about her.
**I think thats very harsh, how do you know, if you were to lose your virginity to this girl, that you and she would be together in a few months time, and you wouldn't class it, with hindsight as a mistake?
**>>>>>>- Should I be this upset?
- Are my views wrong? I know in Europe and other places around the world, sex is like candy lol. They really could care less about what im thinking of.
- What do you think? How do you take the virginity topic? Is it really that important, or am i just a wuss?
**you can be as upset as you want, it won't change the facts, and i think its being unfair to this girl. I live in the UK, and sex isn't viewed any differently, in my opinion, as anywhere else. Your feelings for this girl are what are important, if the fact that she isn't a virgin anymore bothers you that much, i question your feelings for her, its like when people ask if someone will still like them even if they have small/big/whatever breasts. Your feelings are what they are, or should be, regardless of her past.
oh and welcome aboard hon :smile: **
-
Would you have felt as bad if she had done everything except have intercourse? (I assume "having intercourse" is what you meant by "losing virginity").
Even though you haven't had intercourse, have you done sexual stuff?
-
In reply to:
I think thats very harsh, how do you know, if you were to lose your virginity to this girl, that you and she would be together in a few months time, and you wouldn't class it, with hindsight as a mistake?
oh, she told me she classified it as a mistake; i didn't say it was a mistake she made, she said it herself? i think thats what you were saying...
and part of the reason i think i feel so bad about this is because im pretty religious, where i was taught even to wait a period of time after marriage before having sex. i really dont know if this is right. like i can honestly say i wasn't planning on waiting a few months after i was married, as long as i can truely say that i love the girl im with. i dont want to go against religon, but then again, most of my friends think alot of the stuff i was taught is stupid.
i think that's what might also be bothering me... but i also think im THINKING toooooooo much into this.
In reply to:
I live in the UK, and sex isn't viewed any differently, in my opinion, as anywhere else.
are you sure? i heard that it just isn't as intimidating as it is in the US. and you're from the UK? Thats sooo awesome! I also heard your style of living is more laid back, whereas in the states its all about capitalism, thats why i wouldn't mind moving overseas. I swear, most all of my friends are all about greed, where i suppose you guys are more about living a healthy life.
And thanks for replying ANgelWitch :smile:!
-
oh, she told me she classified it as a mistake; i didn't say it was a mistake she made, she said it herself? i think thats what you were saying. Actually what i was saying, badly, is that we all make mistake and you can't blame someone for them, or at least you should try not to blame her for her mistake. The thing is with life, we all make them, but, its if and what we learn from them thats important and she has obviously realised that it was a mistake. >>>>>>like i can honestly say i wasn't planning on waiting a few months after i was married, WOW really, you were going to wait till weeks after the wedding??????? i admire what you think, i don't agree with it, but i really admire the fact. Yes, in my opinion, you ARE thinking too much about this, let it go, enjoy being with her, worrying, thinking and going over it again and again WILL NOT change anything, so get on with living your life, and enjoying your relatinship with her. oh and we do have materialism over here, where i live however, there arn't many people as i live in the middle of nowhere, so the stresses and strains of keeping up with everyone is a lot less than say if i was living in london, but i havn't always lived here, but i would never go back LOL
-
part of the reason i think i feel so bad about this is because im pretty religious, where i was taught even to wait a period of time after marriage before having sexWell that explains a lot. Wait a period of time? What religion is that?
-
In reply to:
Would you have felt as bad if she had done everything except have intercourse? (I assume "having intercourse" is what you meant by "losing virginity").
Even though you haven't had intercourse, have you done sexual stuff?
to answer your first question, not really. but after thinking about what angel said, im starting to think its the religion part thats telling me what shes done is bad, which maybe i need to sketch out...
and for your second question, i haven't really done anything that sexually. i think its because my relationships were more best friend type ones...lol maybe thats why they've only lasted 2 months max :-/
its not like we didn't kiss or make out... i dont know guys. i think i need to take a class on relationships and how to run them successfully.
and thank you steve for the quick response. :smile:
-
To follow up what Angel said....being able to forgive is a virtue.
-
In reply to: i dont want to go against religon, but then again, most of my friends think alot of the stuff i was taught is stupid. if your friends are influencing your decisions that much, why not do whatever your friends think?to me it sounds like you're muddled up. find out what you believe by asking yourself / consulting religious doctrine / other religious people that you look up to (whatever religion you are).[also while you're there, you might want to work out if you could have a successful long relationship with someone who has very different ideas on life (ie different religion).]as stated before, you should also look into forgiveness. we all make mistakes and have done stupid things in the past.how can you 'reject' this girl for having sexual intercourse when you're obviously considering it too?as AngelWitch started to say, what if you 2 get together and then break up? how would you feel if the next girl that comes down the track and finds out that you have been sexually active previously, and then says "sorry... i have no respect for you, we can't go out" etc?you need to come to the relaisation that when you're older... pretty much everyone you meet isn't a virgin. by the time you leave school, probably 3/4 of the girls won't be virgins anymore. it's pretty hard to think that in the earliest years of high school... but it happens.
-
Wether you should or shouldn't be upset won't change if you actually are or aren't. In my opinion, it's wonderful that she trusted you this much to tell you this. Many people would have tried to hide behind it and not tell you unless they felt guilty or it slipped. It sounds like you've found a trusting, honest person and it would benefit you to be trusting and honest in return. Everyone is entitled to their own views. Some people aren't comfortable with sex. Some people don't like the concequences that could come out of it. Some people just don't have the urge to have sex. Some people just love sex. None of those are wrong as long as person A doesn't influence person B into something just because it's how they feel about the issue. Personally, I'm still in the "boys have cooties" stage. Dealing with this situation, it sounds as though you really like her and this is just making you slightly uncomfortable with her. Don't let it change your entire idea of her, though; talk to her and keep on going with things. I doubt she'll try to pressure you into anything as she sounds like a sweet girl.Good luck.
-
**first off johnnycash, welcome to the boards.
you seem like you're a teenager and pretty young, so I think we can relate.
My family is pretty religious as well so I know where you're comming from. I think you have to overlook the fact that she lost her virginity even though that may be hard due to youre upbringing. if you really want to have a long relationship, tell her that. being open is a really good thing to do. but dont tell her u dont like her not being a virgin as that may come across as offensive.
second, yes you are overthinking this way too much, but a lot of guys tend to do this too. I know i do it, but it's because some opportunities only come once. And you're entitled to think about it a lot. But I think the best way to see what will happen is to try it out. You can't hate yourself for not giving it a go. then you'll really know what will happen. **
-
Virginity doesn't mean shit anymore. I lost mine to a prostitute in Hololulu. For $400 I had 15 minutes of the sluts time. I can't get any girl for free, not because I'm ugly I just can't talk to girls. So I'm going to have a steady diet of hookers throughout life.
-
- Should I be this upset?No, you shouldn't. She made a mistake, she recognises it, so that makes her a good and responsible person. Good christians do not judge someone and they do not burn sinners into flames, they forgive 'em as long as they regret for their sins. Don't forget, Jesus used to socialise also with prositutes and criminals.-Are my views wrong? I know in Europe and other places around the world, sex is like candy lol. They really could care less about what im thinking of.No, they're ok. I also believe virginity is something special someone and you must not just waste it somewhere. But I don't believe you can define the time you'll first have sex with someone. Once you find the one, who you really love, and the circumstances are appropriate, I don't think you should wait. Go for it No, sex is not like an eye candy in Europe. We are here as sexually liberated as you are. But the church is not interfering that much with our sex life :P
-
Jeeeez, can't you get a full hour for $400? You should make her talk to you for 45 minutes before the sex. Maybe if you do it enough, you'll get better at talking to women. Just say the kind of stuff you say here. Maybe she'll think it's cool.By the way, if you lasted anywhere close to 15 minutes, you did very well.
-
They are complete ripoffs in Honolulu, the Waikiki area especially. Go there past 9:00 PM and there's at least 25-30 of them out and you can tell which ones are the hookers because they have plexiglass shoes, short skirts, and tiny purses. They charge so much because their customers are mainly wealthy Japanese businessmen and rich married men who are on vacation with their families. She was a complete bitch too, walks up next to me and puts her arm around me on the street, then she asks if "I'm looking for a date," and I knew what she meant by that an responded "What you want to go to dinner or something," then she's like "No sweetie, you want to go and party, how much money do you have on you? At least a couple hundred bucks?" So I went to the ATM thinking I'd get at least an hour and then she took me to some hotel room their pimps rent out for them. Shit I don't care, $400 is less than I'd spent on some girl buying her gifts and taking her to resturants to eventually fuck her. Plus, if I actually am in the situation I get it for free with a non-hooker, at least I'll have a basic idea of what to do.
-
You know im not much of a post basher but i think its horrable that you could say that and i know how i would feel if i was looked at diffrently by a girl because im not a vergin. I wanted my frist time to be meaningful to it was with my girl friend When i was 13 i loved her to and she dumped me. so how do you know the same hasent happend to this girlfriend of yours. You cant think of her diffrently just cuz she not a vergin.
-
dont judge on the past. its like assuming shes the same person from a couple years ago. are you the same as you were a couple years ago? i hope not. shes a different person. appreciate the person she is now, not who she used to be. and i suggest you stop the church thing. just a suggestion.
-
dont judge on the past. its like assuming shes the same person from a couple years ago. are you the same as you were a couple years ago? i hope not. shes a different person. appreciate the person she is now, not who she used to be.i completely agree