Well, As the title of the thread says, she found out. Adam's mother called today crying stating she found out he was gay. Apparently someone used Adam's old cell phone number (which his mother now uses and has been using for a very long time) basically leading on about him being gay. Not exactly sure what the message said, but thats pretty irrelavent atm.At any rate Adam is very tore up over it. Adam wanted to tell his mother but he wanted to do it on his terms and when he was ready. He was just building up the nerve when this all happened. Surprisingly his mother is taking it rather hard as well, which again is very shocking. We both thought for sure she knew about him. Adam is not flammy in the least but he's a pretty boy and well, he's always with me and living with me. I dunno just some of the things she said just gave us clues that she knew. Plus Adam's family is VERY liberal. His Grandparents best friends are a gay male couple, so yeah like I said very liberal and his mother and father are also very liberal.I told Adam she might be taking it hard now simply because she might of had an idea we were together but now she knows for sure. She also seems upset that she had to find out from someone else instead of him just telling her. Right now she's saying she doens't want me back at her house etc etc. I also told Adam that it's okay right now that she hates me, that's normal. She's upset right now and she doesn't want to be upset with Adam or herself so someone needs to take the fault and it's me.I also told him he needs to make sure he doesn't change in anyway. He needs to show her he's still the same person he was before, and at the same time express to her that (here's my fav line) being gay isn't who he is it's just a small part of what he is.I told him she'll come around, it's very normal for a mother to act like this. Also told him that I know my mother would be more than happy to talk to her since she had to go through this as well because I'm sure his mother has tons of questions. Even suggested that he talk to his grandparents who's bestfriends are the gay male couple to talk to his mother.I don't know, I've tried my hardest to get him to understand this is not his fault, but I think he still thinks it is. I'm grasping at all my strings and all my knowledge and I feel like I'm losing. Any suggestiond would be awesome, esp from any mothers out there who can maybe relate to Adam's mother.Thanks.
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His mother found out...
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Aww hunny im sorry. It sure its just the shock of finding it out from someone else, and having little suspicions but its ok when they dont know for sure. Everything will come out in the wash, he needs to understand that something like that will come out, and it is far from his fault. I cant believe how it came out that must put everyone in such a difficult situation. hugs im here for ya
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Fucking get over itIf his mom has a problem with it it's her problem not yours/his
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Some mothers are really looking forward to grandchildren and it's a big disappointment to them to find out it's unlikely - I don't know if this applies in this case.
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That's his mother so if she has an issue with him it is his problem. I was looking for constructive feedback not feedback thats going to be ignorant.
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Actually it's interesting you make that point because she said that to him. Her told her wants children as well, so its a mute point.I also told Adam she's probably upset because she knows the world can be cruel and can even be more cruel towards gay men. So she's probably even more upset over the fact that he could be "teased" or hurt for being gay. My mother had the same worry.
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Sorry, this is not advice, but your situation reminds me of this movie called Mambo Italiano. It's about a gay italian guy who wants to come out of the closet to his traditional family. It's really funny, if you get a chance, see it.
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What will you do when you find out you're gay?
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The thing that would hurt me more, if i found out one of my sons was gay, like adams mum did, would be the fact that he himself hasn't told me, made worse by the fact that he had found someone like you, and moved in together, and still said nothing.As a mum i can and will cope with anything my kids do, as long as they own up and are honest about it, thats the rule in this house.I would imagine she feels very let down by the fact that adam didn't tell her - it would make me feel like a failure as a mum cos obviously i was bad at it, or he would have told me, etc etc.I don't think that being gay or children is the main issue, i think she is feeling betrayed by him, that everyone else knew, but her, and that would hurt a lot. Adam needs to sit with him mum and reassure her that she is the best, and that the fault was his for not telling her, and most of all that he loves her and wants her to be part of your lives together................even if she doesn't seem to take any of that in at the time, him having said those things will stay in her mind, and when she has got over the hurt she is feeling now, she will remember he said them. hugs to adam
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In reply to:
I can only imagine finding out my kid is gay... I don't think I'd ever be able to love him. But then again I'm a guy not a woman so it's different.
you cold heartless man...
but the part about a mother loveing their child unconditionaly is true, for example, the mother of a phyco killer stood by him even tho he admited to his crime untill the day he was sentenced to death...i forget which phyco killer, but im sure its the case with most of em.. i hope adams mum will get to grips with it sooner or later, also change is very hard for some ppl, and tho its not much of a change its certainly a big shock and her feelings towards him may be slightly altered, not for the worse or the better...if you know what im sayin
good luck adam!
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OT:Yeah, I think angel might be right about it, that its the fact that the mom didnt hear it from adam himself, but from someone else over the phone, and the fact that quite a few people did know, but his own mom didn't. For me my best friend knows, and u guys (I wish adam (and you ) luck and hugs hug!
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Actually yes Adam has a father and she made it clear to Adam she didn't want him to find out. Though Adam said he felt as though his father already know (Guess he made a few comments that led him to believe this), and though he will respect her wishes for now he will eventually tell his father. Living a lie to family is very stressful.>I can only imagine finding out my kid is gay... I don't think I'd ever be able to love him.As stated that's a very cold statement. Whether a person is gay or not they are still the same person. And my father knows about me, and though it's something we don't really talk about, the point is he knows and he still loves me as much as before he know. If you ever have children you'll see that love for your child will come before something as pety as homosexuality.And Angel, I think you are extremely right. Last night in bed Adam and I talked more about the situation and he said his mother asked if his friends knew and Adam said yes that all his friends knew he was gay and that seemed to upset her even more that friends knew before she did. When Adam gets home tonight I'll have him read your post and everyone else that has give good advice. Right now he could use as much positive advice as he can, lord knows I have him all I could and will continue to do so.Thanks again to everyone for your advice.
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In reply to: Though Adam said he felt as though his father already know (Guess he made a few comments that led him to believe this) remember that he thought the same thing of his mother!Aside from that I think this whole thing is pretty odd. The way you talk on the post threads, your pretty proud o who you are,and I assumed that your b/f was the same way, so I automatically assumed that both of your familys knew, espeially after you talked about the two of you living together.I just assummed you had one bedroom and that family had ben over an KNEW.Guess that it just prove you shouldnt assume shit huh?as for not loving your kid because he is gay, thats the most fucke up thing Iv ever heard. I have kids and I love them unconditionally. I can understan being upset, confused, disapointed, any emotion at all I can see how someone coul have it. To not love your kids though because of who they prefer to be with?? JESUS CHRIST THATS WRONG. if its that easy to turn off the love for a child then perhaps you never really loved them to begin with and dont deserve to have them. If someone is so shallow as to stop loving thier child over something so small?? Iv heard it from sevreal sources, take all th gays and round em up and ship them off to an island and nuke it. Maybe we are looking at it wrong? maybe we should round up the parents that have gay children and stopped loving them because of it, send them to an island and nuke it. If you cant love your own child them there really is something wrong with you and the world would be a better place with out you. Might want to remember that the more reearch that was put into gays, its all pointing to them being born like that. Now if they are born that way, and its a defect, then you as the parent are responsible for them being that way after all your one of the two people that contributed the genes that made them and made them gay.ntro, I wish ya the best of luck i the whole situation, I hope that after its ot such a new shock to her that she gets over it and allows you back into their home and settles down. While i cant say that Id be happy and proud about one of my kids being gay, I can say that I wouldnt top loving them or banish them from my family.
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Well hun, I'm sorry to hear that things went down like that. As I always seem to say, I agree with Angel. What is probably the hardest for mom is not that her son is gay, esp. if she already had back-of-the-mind suspisions. (And believe me I know this was not Adams thought or intension) But rather, she probably feels hurt that her son felt that he couldn't trust her with that information. Look at it like this, her hearing it from Adam would have been like him saying "mom I trust you and believe in you and I'm giving you the chance to do the right thing", her hearing it form someone else, to her, is like him saying "mom I don't trust you, I don't believe in you and I assume that your not understanding enough to still except me, therefor I can't let you know about my life because your a failure as a mother."In my opinion, and remember theres a lot of things that I am assuming about the situation that may be inacurate and that this advice is worth exactly what your paying for it, Adam needs to let mom cool down (get over the initial shock), by that I don't necessarily mean she's excepting of the idea but calm enough to hear him (but then agian don't let it go on to long) and then explain to her why he didn't tell her, reasure her that she is a good mother and that he is still the same person he always was. I'm sure Adam probably knows his mother well enough to know whether this amount of time is 10 seconds or 10 days. At this point "I'm sorrys" and the "I was going to tell you", while the should be mentioned are not suffusive. She needs explanations that are going to reassure her that it wasn't because Adam didn't believe in her that he didn't tell her. Adam needs to sit down and think thru everything he wants to say to her. Figure it out put down on paper and see how it sounds and completely think it thru before he talks to her. Oh!, heres a suggestion that my disfuctional family always used. Ya know how when you think things thru and decide on everything you want to say and explain and then you get to the conversation and half of it's either forgotten or left out, usually the important stuff, well write her a letter. Adam could put everything down on a piece of paper revise it till it's just what he wants to say and everything he wants to say, then hand it to her. Hand it to her, he shouldn't even think about her reading it without him sitting next to her or across from her or whatever. He needs to be there when she reads it. By doing this he can say everything he wants to, leaving nothing out and from there a conversation can insue and since he's sitting there with her as she reads it, he will be there for her to ask questions about what she is reading. Often the written word is more powerful, meaningful and more easily comprehended then the spoken word. That's just a suggestion, it works in my family but maybe not in yours.Your right about your roll in this. The best thing you can do right now is be supportive of Adam and be the target of mom's anger and let her keep the lines of comunication open with Adam. I think both you and Adam, need to let her be angry with you right now, let her blame you for the time being. As soon as she makes things right with her son she will be right with you. Adam's instinct may to be defend you to her but, I think, that conversation would be better held off on, its just another fight that doesn't need to happen right now and like I said, once shes okay with Adam, I can't imagine that she won't be okay with you.Modern western civilization really has this one fucked. Most "breeders" seem to be under the impression that if your gay thats all you are, and all there is to you. Therefore they can't relate to you, your now a gay and no longer a person. It's like once you say your gay your no longer intersted in science, politics, current events and if they want to talk to you about those things they have to find some slant to make it about being gay and sex and they are uncomfortable with both of those topics esp. when those two topic appear in the same sentence. For parents it must be double bad because most parents don't ever what to think about there child as a sexual being. Then the child says "I'm gay" and they suddenly feel they have nothing left to relate to the child about, because as I said before once your gay then society says that you have no other intrests than gay sex or in any issue other than how it relates to gay sex. It always seems to take a while for them to realize that your still the same person with the same intrests you had before, and unfortunatily some can never get past that. That my two cents, anyway.I'm probably not the best to be doweling out advice on this. Yes, there was a time that because I was attracted to men that I thought I was gay and yes I did have the talk with mom and granny, dad was already dead, but they're to NDN to be any kind of gage for the rest of society. I' mean I told them, it was a topic of dicussion for maybe 30-45 minutes, then life went on without change. In fact, a lot of old time NDN's around here still hold homosexuals with a special reguard. So, like I said I may not be the one to be giving advice or anything on this matter because it was just a whole different thing for me.Anyway best wishes to you both and I'm sure it will all work out in the end. Love ya hun, you and Adam take care.
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Ok I been trying to work this one out, wha the hell is a NDN?I got no clue
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Short hand for indian, native america. NDN's don't usually pronounce the "I's", anyway, or the "A" for that matter I guess.
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I NEVER would have figured that one out on my own! glad I asked. I thought originally that it might be somehting I should be able to figure out and maybe I was stupi to ask, but in hindsight it wasnt like a lol or at or something that takes only slight comon sense to get, damned glad I aksed!Knowing tht now I have to ask this, why does that make a differense? is it more culturally acceptable for them? granted Ima white boy and my ancestory goes back to scotland and I have no clues about indian heritage aside from what Iv learned on my own with visits to india ruins and such.so I dont understand why that would be easier then for anyone else?
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Aside from that I think this whole thing is pretty odd. The way you talk on the post threads, your pretty proud o who you are,and I assumed that your b/f was the same way, so I automatically assumed that both of your familys knew, espeially after you talked about the two of you living together.I just assummed you had one bedroom and that family had ben over an KNEW.Adam and I are both proud of who we are, you deff have that correct =-D. As for the bedroom thing, I actually own a house, but it's a two bedroom home and we are renovating the master bedroom (Which they know about because we actually used some of the tools to do parts of the job) so it's not liveable atm, so that only leaves one room for two boys. But reguardless of that we thought she knew just from some of the questions she asked Adam and the fact she went to our barber (They actually set Adam and I up) and was trying to pump info out of them about Adam and I. So she was digging for info, it's just sad that she got the facts from someone other than Adam. I just hope once this is all over his mother and I can go back to talking terms like we were. Just about a week ago we talked on the phone for about 45 minutes talking about Adam and the car accident he was in and about my dogs etc etc. And OldFolks, you know I love ya huggles Thanks soo much for your thoughts and opinions. You and Angel both brought up some great points that I think Adam needs to read and I'll make sure he reads them tonight when he gets home from work.
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you cold heartless man...Or someone with a deep-seated insecurity.
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well I wish you both much luck with it, happily the worst thing I had to dela with was a wife my family (and myself) hated. Of coure we were all in agreeance on her so it was easier. Its a long story another time maybe Ill go into how you get married to someone you hate from the get go. Anyways, good luck with his family, I dot se the big deal about it really, nothing has changed aside from now she knows instead of thinks or suspects. nothing else has changed, noones different then they were the day before or the month or year before.I can see being hurt by it and being shocked by it and over whelmed but everyone is still the sam person they were before anyone knew.good luck with it all