Its me again. I've been here asking questions for while now and I have another problem... If some have been following my messages when I post, I've talked about my gf, well she's my ex now...I won't go into the details of why it happened, but I still love her and want to be with her anyway I can... I would rather us be together in a commited relationship as I have never been in a casual one and find that I have trouble dealing with the jealousy. We spoke bout this late last night for a few hours, where it went from talking about my jealousy to sex. I am still a virgin and I am finding it to be the source of almost all of stress, anxiety and depression. We talked about that and in the end alot was said on my part, a good deal negative but some of it was positive. we spoke of my reasons for having sex, and during our conversation she said that most of my reasons for wanting to have sex were wrong and that she wouldn't touch me until I fixed myself, that I was happy with who I was, and wanted sex for the right reasons. I want(ed) to have sex for many reasons... because I care about her being the big one... I want to have sex because my being a virgin is causing me way to much stress. I am turning 26 next month and I cannot deal with me being a virgin anymore...I don't want to be it, it hurts... I am constantly beating myself up over this. I get depressed thinking about it, thinking about all the time I've wasted and oppertunities lost. I don't just mean lost sexually but all the people I've passed up because I know if I got involved they would want sex so i just avoided them.I feel so horrible and frustrated and tired of my life. I really hate myself and what I have let myself become... I feel like a hypocrite, and I have always felt that I am a living dichotomy (part of my gemini nature)... I mentioned way back I have a martyr complex... well... I hold myself to alot higher ideal's and virtures then I expect of anyone else... I expect and encourage everyone else to simply be...human... do whats natural, sex is natural so do it...enjoy it... but at the same time I have constantly denied it from myself...why I don't know,I've always said it was fear...I think its because if I give into my urges, I become what I've always encouraged everyone else to be... that my higher ideals in the end mean nothing and that no matter how 'good' I try to be, or how 'perfect' its all for nothingAll I ever feel now is constant hurting. I just want to be loved and I want to be cared for as much as I do everyone else. Most of all I just want to be normal. I am jealous of everyone around me that is happy because I don't know how to be happy anymore, I don't think I ever truely did know how to be happy. I hate myself, I hate my life and I am tired of my life and want it to be over so I can have a new one. I am sorry but somewhere along here I have lost the point I wanted to make or say. I am so fucked up that I am completly lost, I do not know who I am anymore, I don't know how to fix myself. When I get into a relationship its rare for me, and when I do get into one I focus all of myself on that person, they become my life so to speak, I want them around me becasue they make me feel whole, wanted, desired. I know thats the wrong way to think and feel but I can't help it. I have been hurt to many times to badly that I don't think I know how to be normal in a relationship.I want to lose my viriginity, for various reasons, some bad as I mentioned... others because it feels right. I feel that I have to have sex to move on in my life...I honestly don't feel that I have progressed emmotionally past 15 because I never let myself experience alot of what it means to grow up and mature...I've always secluded myself and hid from everyone and myself. I feel that sex, while not the true answer will help me because its what I have been avoiding...but it still scares the crap out of me. I am jealous of everyone having sex because so many people have been enjoying it for all the time I have been silently suffering, suffering because I am scared, suffering because of my high ideals, suffering because I have to much self loathing to try and find someone or take that chance. I want to just experience life, I want to have sex, I want to enjoy it. I want to share myself with her... when I was younger I promised I'd wait until I found someone I cared enough to not hesitate...I found her, but now she says I am to broken to sleep with her, that in the end she will cause me more problems then sleeping with her will solve. I love her, even if she doesn't love me and I want to sleep with her because I love her and because I feel its right. If I wanted to just have sex I would've done it at 16 when I first got approached. I wouldn't be in this mess and thats part of it to...I am mad at myself for not having had sex all these years... I just want my life to be normal, I want it to be healthy.... I guess in the end, I am lost I want to be fixed....I don't want to be brokem I don't want to be hurt..I don't want to form immediate attachements to people.. I am to emmotionally charged, it hurts me to get attached and not have that returned. I am tired of me life and feel like I want to die. I have for a while now. I am not happy with who I am, I am not happy with anything about me.If anyone can stand to read through all that, please help? only thing that won't is all those cheerful euphamisms like 'tomorrow will be better' ... this is tomorrow and has been tomorrow for along time and I don't feel better.thanks..and no I am not drunk while writing this, I just lost my way a few times...like my life.
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Im lost trying to find myself....
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hey, I didn't read this very carefully for I have to go to bed soon but, it looks to me like in terms of losing it to your girlfriend...I agree with her. Me being a girl, I know that unless its just a casual hook up I want to know that the guy likes me. He has to show me and kind of prove to me that he likes me. I agree that most of your reasons are wrong because the ones that you emphasized were that you were 26 and wanted sex and blah blah blah. So what! Let me tell you, girls do not want to hear this. So even if that is your main reason, NEVER tell a girl that again. Now in terms of this relationship I think you should go back to her and explain just what you said towards the end of your entry. You could start with telling her "when I was younger I promised I'd wait until I found someone I loved." Than explain to her like you did at the end about how much you love her, and that even if she doesn't love you back your feeling for her won't change. Keep bringing up about how you feel that she is the ONE, and that you think she's perfect and stuff like that without it sounding cheesy. Also you could say that story about: "If I wanted to just have sex I would've done it at 16 when I first got approached." If a guy said all this stuff to me I would start crying because it would mean soo much to me. Good Luck, and I hope some of this helps.~MJ
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Noc, some things I get from your post:
1. I think you analyse things too much. Some things are just not analysable (too much chance) and some are not worth it. You can spend your life on analysis when you should be spending most of it on synthesis.
2. You are too hard on yourself, and too much a perfectionist. People are allowed to be inconsistent. They are allowed to make mistakes. So are you.
3. It's fine to have principles. It is better to have some than to have none.
4. You are not required - it is impossible - to have every experience possible in life. Missing things is inevitable. And experiences will rarely turn your whole life around. I suspect that when you do have sex, you'll be disappointed.
5. Look forward, not backwards.
6. Look outwards, not inwards. As eMJay pointed out, few girls will have sex with you because you've decided sex would be therapeutic for you. They want a reason that is about themselves, not one that is about yourself. Think about how you would feel in that other person's shoes.
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I would've replied sooner but I had been swamped and didn't want to see this. It looks like I was drunk at the time, but I am jsut very emmotional (sometimes actually wonder if I was supposed to be a female ;-))You are both right though, I talked with her and we worked things through, she was right for the most part and I let her know, but I also explained why I felt like I did and such. Ineligible... your right, I do analyze things way to much, I am trying to stop, its hard though. I've had a rough emmotional life and alot of what has helped me cope has been analyzing everything so I could hopefully work out or avoid what would happen the next time. But what do you mean by synthesis?All in all your points below hit the head on the nail? I haven't read my post above again, but I can only guess that I really laid myself bare and showed who I was? Thats kind of scary in a way, but again you are completly right.i was disapointed with sex, but not because of what it was, but because I couldn't really feel it. I won't go into the detail as I did in another thread.
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Synthesis is the opposite of analysis. Analysis is breaking things down to component parts to study them; synthesis is building things, constructing things, creating things.
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Are you ok? You haven't written in awhile. I read your letter after writing in a search engine: 26 year old trying to find herself in life. I guess its completely normal and not to make light of your situation but I found comfort in your letter because I'm not the only one. I don't feel quite as drastic. Like life should be over and I want a new one but I certainly understand the pangs of desperation that gnawl at us from time to time. I think its normal. As for the sex part...sex is sex.. Its what everyone single person on the planet can do. Its takes no intellect, creativity or passion. Its easy. If you want to make more out of it and put love into that equation you might find the experience more satisfying. You've gone this long why not wait for a real moment.
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well ur over 21 go to a bar, at like ur mista pimp pick up a girl... can u say "1" "night" "stand"!!!!!
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HUGS N CUDDLES::
