I dread having sex

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I have a real problem, and it seems that every doctor I have spoken with doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. I can't stand sex. I don't enjoy it, and as a matter of fact I dread being intimate with my husband. I don't enjoy it at all. I think it's messy and pointless. I can't say that I've ever had an orgasm. What's the most embarassing and frustrating thing is that I can't even masturbate to orgasm. This wasn't a problem when I was single. Heck, it probably kept me from catching something. But now that I'm married, it's not just me that I have to think about. I know that money and sex are two things that are sure to break up a marriage. I love my husband, but I can't stand to make love to him. We've gone round and round about the issue, but it just ends with me not enjoying anything we do in bed and it's killing both of us. I have talked with my family doctor, my local Planned Parenthood, and a psychiatrist and no one seems to think it's a big deal. I ask you, if your partner consistantly said to you "thanks but no thanks" would that be a big deal to you? Help! I need to know what I can do and who I can talk to that will take me seriously and help the two of us have a normal sex life.

Unless your husband has an extreme lack of sexual desire himself or he is infallibly loyal, then he in my opinion, is primed to stray.

I am astonished that all these people who should know better don't think it's a big deal. Of course it is important, both because you are missing out on one of the big pleasures of life, and because you are right that it impacts on your husband, who may feel that he's not doing a good job, or that he's not appreciated. Getting repeatedly knocked back for sex by his wife is a substantial blow for a man.My first thought is, have you had your testosterone level checked? Women have testosterone too, even though it's the male sex hormone, and it is a major controller of sex drive. (Women's testosterone levels increase after alcohol, which is why many women have much more sex drive after drinking.)

Yeah, I know that women have testosterone, but having has no support from the medical community, I haven't been able to have it checked. I have been on Depo Provera for the last 8 years, and I'm starting to wonder if that has slowly been impacting my libido. We have both considered having our respective tubes tied as an option for birth control as neither of us want kids. What I need is someone in the medical community to listen and take steps to help. I just don't know where else to look. I mean, if these three docs can't help, who else can I talk to? Is this where I go see a sex therapist? Is it time for couples counseling? Do I rent him a hooker for a weekend? (The last one is a joke.)We've been married less than two years, and I know that he will more than likely explore other options if I can't get my problems fixed. He's a wonderfully understanding man who's caring and wants nothing but to please, but he shouldn't have to sacrifice anything. I know this is a malfunction on my part, but the question is how do I fix it?

Get your levels tested if you haven't. Just because you're not getting support from the medical community doesn't mean you can't walk into your doctors office and get blood work done.

It could be the Depo Provera. Although the listed side-effects on most information sites say little about sex drive, it is used to reduce sex drive in males, and there are indications that it does affect the sex drive of some women - 1-5% according to the Pharmacia study, but it may be more. I think you certainly should look at other methods of contraception.If your husband wants a vasectomy there should be no difficulties having one. It's quite a small operation, done under local. Having your tubes tied is a bigger operation. You could also look at contraceptive pills.

That I can do. Are there any other tests I should ask for? I have an appointment to discuss having my tubes tied after work tomorrow. I wouldn't mind being prepared with some requests before I go.

http://www.abcinternetmarketing.com/depo-provera/Scary. But, it doesnt say anything about lack of sex drive, but hell i wouldnt limit it to what she experianced

You have to be careful about individual reports - sometimes the people are unfairly blaming a drug for more deep-seated problems.http://www.mercola.com/2002/jan/2/depo_provera.htm talks of loss of libido, but I suspect the author may be a quack.

I've done some reading about Depo over the last year or so and it seems that I fit the profile of someone who is experiencing the side effects. I have acne that I should have outgrown at least 8 years ago, I have put on more weight than is healthy, I have personal dryness, and my libido is non-existant. I don't want to make assumptions that these are directly related to Depo, but the laundry list of matching complaints is suspicious.What I like about Depo is that I have no period. I would really like to never menstrate again, but I'm finding that I can't have my cake and eat it too. Meaning, that I think it's time to find another form of birth control, if for no other reason than long-term use is bad for my bones. (Calcium absorpsion is a real problem over time I'm told.)What I would like to know is, if I should discontinue Depo, what are the chances that my sex drive might fix itself versus having to seek therapy and or drugs? I know there are women who have to take hormone therapy to regain a normal cycle in order to become pregnant after depo. Is it the same with libido?

if I should discontinue Depo, what are the chances that my sex drive might fix itself versus having to seek therapy and or drugs?I think this is probably an individual thing, and you'll need to find out how it works for you.

I'm sorry all of these professionals don't see this as a problem. Sure sounds like it is for you and your husband. I would suggest locating a therapist trained in sexuality. Certainly there is something causing your issues with sex, it may be something physical and it could be something psychological as well. ONce you've figured that out, then maybe you can better deal with it. And don't forget that there are many forms of intimacy and sexuality that don't necessarily include intercourse.

To clarify, do you simply have a lack of (or no) sex drive, or do you find the act of sex, its self, repulsive?If you find the act of sex repulsive, how long have you been this way? Has it been as long as you can remember or has it just developed in the past few years?If this is not to forward, assuming you've had sex with your husband, what is your emotional state when your having sex? Are you disassociated, from the situation? Do you ever have any irrational fears while having sex?

My wife has a somewhat similar problem in that she has virtually zero sex drive. However, she is more than capable of orgasming and has an orgasm about 50% of the time during our (rare) intimate encounters. She is often able to orgasm through solo masturbation. Also, she did have occassional sexual experiences (M and F) from when she was 18 until we met in her mid 20's. But since about 6 months into our marriage, she has just had virtually no sex drive. She is not taking any medications regularly and insists that many women feel the same as she does. Of the counselors and OB/GYN's that she has seen, most just say that she needs to have sex, point of fact. I have never heard any of them agree with her or dismiss the problem. However they also don't give the problem the attention it deserves - merely telling her to just have sex has done little to solve it. I am very unhappy with the situation but am still married and have not cheated in the flesh. However, I do masturbate regularly and have been known to seek cyber partners when the need prevails.

Granted I'm not doctor, but I don't think general practitioners or OBGYN's would be much help in these matters. However, a doctor should be willing to supply a referral, for a problem that is beyond their knowledge, training or field of expertise, to a specialist for any problem, that they can't handle. Is there any possibility that you could convince her to go to sex therapist? The situation, as it is, is niether fair to you or her. Therapy could help, if needed, and could re-open a pleasurable, closer world between the two of you.

You need to see a sex therapist. Seriously. I speak from experience, having the same problem as you (minus marriage) two years ago and the therapy helped a lot.

You're not being too forward in assuming that my husband and I have had sex, but it's rare and short-lived. I don't enjoy it. There are no tingly feelings like there once were. It's more of a chore to me, like doing dishes or doing laundry would be to other women.When we do have sex, the first thing I want to do it wash. All I can think about is trying not to get the sheets dirty. It's sad and humiliating for both of us. I had the bright idea of trying to have sex after I'd had a few drinks, but that just makes me really tired and I fall asleep before anything can get started.I did see a doctor today about this and he now has me on a low-dose estrogen patch to see if it related to the depo. We shall see if that has any effect. I'm told it will take 2-3 weeks before anything might change. Though, I'm encouraged that this person takes me seriously and wants to help. Wish my luck.

Good luck! I hope things get much better!

Well, if there is some kind of psychological hangup about the "mess" maybe you can try having sex with a condom. Perhaps that will help you feel more comfortable about it. Your husband may rather have it without, but condom sex is a hell of a lot better than no sex!

Good luck! This might sound strange, but could you put like a i dunno boundry between you guys and the sheets so there isnt any mess?