Need help!!!!

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I have a wonderful relationship with my bf. We have had no fights since we started seeing each other until Sunday. It was the ugliest fight. We are living together and we had gone to a friend's house to watch the race. We both got very drunk. After we got home, we ate and went to bed, so he tells me. Anyway, apparently I woke up in the middle of the night hitting and kicking him. He went nuts. He tore my house apart.I don't know why I did that and I don't remember doing it. I've had a lot of insecurities creep up on me lately which I have a hard time talking to him about. Also, I've had a lot of nightmares. I may have possibly wanted to talk to him about the insecurities, but he said I was saying nothing to him. Just hitting. That leads me to believe I may have been dreaming.Anyway, we have both agreed to try and work things out which I am glad. But I see a lot of sorrow in his eyes. I also feel a huge wall between us. We both agreed that the fight got way out of hand on both our parts. We decided on fighting rules for the future, so I think we're headed in the right direction. But, I don't know what started this and how to prevent it in the future. Also, how can I crumble down that wall? There is so much distance between us right now. I'm not sure if he feels it or not, but it's a very strong feeling for me. Am I paranoid? Paranoia can ruin a relationship and am so scared of that.

If you attacked him while having a nightmare, then he trashed your house becasue of that, then my dear, you have a real asshole for a BF. So he just assumed you woke up and decided to attack him out of the blue? Couldn't he try to calm you down? I would beware of this guy.

Embarrassing as it was, we were both drunk and I don't remember all the details. I took his car keys so he couldn't leave. I didn't want him driving. That's when he trashed the house. I do admit that I provoked this, but neither one of us were in any state of mind to argue. That, we agree on as well. He has never once shown any signs of this nature, nor have I. It was a first for both of us. Not to defend him, but I can understand why he got pissed when he was sleeping and I attacked him. He wanted to leave. I didn't want him to drive. Taking away his keys was taking away his freedom. He trashed the house looking for the keys.

Sounds kinda freaky to me and made-up (on his part). If I were you I think I would be thinking twice about getting back togethor with him. Like sdp said, even if you where asleep and attacking him, why not just wake you up, fight back at you, whatever. Why trash your home? It just doesn't make sense to me. ------------Your last post sheds more light on it. He was drunk. You took his keys. He was pissed and drunk so he trashed your house. He woke up in the morning and thought "shit" (he actually thought that I guarntee it) and figured he had to come up with some bullshit excuss for having trashed your house in a drunken rage.Least that's my take on it.

Seriously, are you rationalizing his behavior? If he slapped you silly and beat the crap out of you, would you be rationializing that too? "Well, it was really my fault."It goes to show what what getting drunk can do: totally screw up everything.You make it sound like you went into the forest and put a collar and leash on a wolf. That is ridiculous. There is no excuse for that kind of violent behavoir. But now you know what kind of drunk you (and he) are.You may have saved one or more lives by taking away his car keys.

I didn't want him or anyone else to get hurt. You're right about drunken stupidness. I don't want to touch alcohol again. I didn't like what it did to us. He agrees. We are both taking a break from the bar and booze scene. That will help immensely. I know if it weren't for the booze, that never would have happened.

Guys he wanst randomly trashing the house...he was looking for the keys in a very hurried and drunk and agitated manner. I dont anyone would have been much different in that situation, taking into account the unpredictability of alcohol.

Well yeah, but she didn't say that originally. She just said he tore the house apart after she attacked him in her sleep.

Iv had this happen on a regular basis with my g/f.if Im drunk, sober and once in a while stoned, I dont do shit about it aside fro wake her up and calm her down.Its normally a nightmare. Shes getting help for it and its mostly stress realted from what they have told her. work, planning a wedding and trying to set up an adoption and college all at once, all that shit.Iv never trashed the house or done shit to her aside form waking her up. After a fall I took a while back that broke my wrist and leg and foot it was me for a few months that thrashed about and hit her in my sleep. Same thing, she woke me and once I was awake things calmed down.Violence with someone you claim to care about is bullshit.no excuses at all. In your sleep its uncontrolled there is nothing more to do then wake them up and let them come back to reality. no reason to fight after or get pissy like a 12 year old throwig a fit and try to leave especially when your drunk.You may not think clearly intoxicated, but its still not an excuse.

And as for the potential for physical abuse, well I've been in a relationship like that many years ago. I know the signs. I will keep a heads up. I'm not going to sit here and say that it will never happen, but I won't wait and see either. If anything like this were to happen again, I would walk.

I believe he was on the defensive. His ex-wife used to hit him all the time. She was very abusive. We have both brought baggage of different natures into our relationship. This is his. He referred to me by his ex's name that night.

More and more light is shed apon this by the minute. Well I hope you work it out. Maybe do soemthing really relaxing together. If you live in Yorkshire take a walk up the m oors on a sunny winters day. If you dont live in Yorkshire do something else thats relaxing and pleasant, with pretty scenery and rolling green hills and the like...if you like that kinda stuff anyway.

Oh okay you live in NY. Not especially close to Yorkshire nor much like it I imagine.

It's hard to put everything into a few paragraphs. Yeah there is a lot more to it. He's a wonderful man. All I really wanted to know is how to break down that wall we put up because of the fight. And instead, I get unexpected feedback because I didn't give enough detail. My mistake. If I post again, I will write a book to be very clear. The situation was ugly to say the least.

Better to give to much info then not enough.The worst that happens is that anyone that is going to respond, responds to the correct stuff.

Looking back through this thread, I can see where the negative opinions come from. So back to my question, I need to figure out how to break down the wall we put up. We are both hurt, confused, sad. He doesn't talk much. I usually get more out of him by text messaging than sitting down and talking. I don't like the distance this has created.

I understand what your trying to get help on. This kind of thing has annoyed me before. My suggestion to people is pay attention to what sentances have the "?" at the end of them. This implies they are aksing a question they want an answer to which is rude to ignore.

Like I said though do something relaxing. Something pleasant and quiet where your minds could fall at ease and hopefully open up. Ifg he has had bad experiences before thern some bad memories have probably been re-oponed and so now he's just a little scared. I reckon you got to re-build some trust.

Well, tonight it's supposed to snow, so I don't think I'll be taking a walk anywhere. The last couple of nights we've sat in the bedroom and tried to talk, but don't seem to get anywhere. Like I said, he doesn't talk much.

So basically, just a quiet relaxing night is your suggestion? Time will heal?

Time will heal if it's accompanied by communication. Perhaps the first need is to reduce the tension so you are both able to talk.

We were able to talk last night finally. We talked a lot about our baggage. My nightmares seem to be routed from my ex who has done everything in his power to break us up. I have fears that he won't stop. The dreams are very threatening from my ex to the point where I'm left with no choice but to break up with my bf (in the dream). This man stalked me for two months after we broke up. He went as far as entering my home in the middle of the night while me and my bf were sleeping tearing through my bedroom on a rampage. He's psycho. In these dreams he won't allow me to explain what's going on. I truly believe I was having a nightmare when I went off on my bf. That's what we talked about last night. And his response to my actions that night was somewhat natural based on his past experience. His ex was vicious. She was known to beat on him anywhere, anytime. I talked to him about what he did and we both concluded that the baggage we have brought into our relationship is effecting how we are handling things with each other. We'll have to stay in check when it comes to our actions and try to remember that it is us, not our ex's. This is very hard to do. Any suggestions on baggage?