I used to read this Forum years ago, nice to see it's still going! But this is my first post.
Hi to all..
Apologies in advance for the length of this post...but any help will be much appreciated... I have spoken about this endlessly to my friends, but I think people from a 3rd person perspective could infact give better advice..
The basics are:
I am 23, she is 20.
I met her 3 years ago.
We split 8 months ago, but 3 months ago technically (this will become obvious why soon).
Ok so we started dating, and everything was perfect as always with any new relationship.
Age difference immediately played a part in the demise of this relationship, due to me working and her being at college...she had work to do which I was fine to be relaxed about as this was obviously very important...no problem there. I even helped her do it.
However, after about a year of being together (she was 18 by this time) things started slowly going sour, unbeknown to me at the time her mother started telling her she could or couldn't see me... she had finished college by this time and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't be allowed to see me, I had been with her a year after all... But she lied to me all the time about it, pretending she was ill, or any excuse possible (car won't start, lost car keys...etc etc) to cover up not being allowed to see me. I tried to talk to her about how she felt about this, as she was an adult and so was I, I said this is about us...so nothing should really come in the way of it...anyway, in the end I ended up having an arguement with her mum over giving her daughter the freedom she deserved and that pretty much killed any chance of anything good coming out of it. She took her mobile from her, told her never to see me again.
You may already have in your mind that it was just a joke from the start and we were just simply a bad match right? Wrong...me and her on a one to one basis in our private time had the best connectivity I think I've had with any of my previous girlfriends before this... always laughing, could tell each other anything, never a disagreement (unless it was about her mum letting her live her life), always flowing conversation, same opinions on life, and of course the intimate stuff...even after 2 and a half years, it was still as good as the day we met.
Anyway, we lasted another 2 and a half years after this, but until we finally split in the end, I then found out her mum had absolutely no idea she was still dating me for any of that time, as far as she was concerned, when she took her mobile from her and changed her number, I was history... The reason we split in the end was because she still couldn't stay over mine that often because she would have to lie to her mum about me where she is and I grew tired of it and dumped her because it was impossible... this is what killed it because in my family we are hugely open and can discuss anything at the dinner table together...she was also welcomed by my family with open arms.
Hopefully that gives a over view of what the relationship was about, but here's the thing I am struggling with... we split up and still spoke the next day, (and every day on for the next 8 months, and still speak now)
However, she listened to her friends, who obviously only knew her side of the story, and ended up meeting (and sleeping with within 2 days) a new guy, who is in the Army, don't get the wrong impression, she's not slutty/easy and would sleep with anyone, but because of her upbringing with her family she has always been hugely insecure, and gave it away for free so she would get attention from the guys, she also did this with me...(she slept with guys when we split for a few weeks for the attention, she told me all she ever needed was to be loved).
Ok he went back to Iraq and they talked for the next 5 months via the Internet/phone (I had no idea at this point) and I was fighting to get her back and put things right, we talked every day still, and met up probably 2 times a week or more, she spent the next 5 months deciding who she wanted to be with, and in the end the time came for him to come back (I found out 2 months before he was back) and well, they got together..and I stopped speaking to her for a while, to get over her...
The problem I have is:
I care for her so much, and have done so much for her, and to help her through hard times.
She has told one of my close friends "in confidence" she still wishes she was with me.
If I don't text her, she text's me.
She told me I was the one she always imagined she would be with.
She told me to my face last week she isn't over me and still loves me (and then started crying).
She has kept everything I ever gave her, or wrote to her.
We still get on brilliantly, but only when we meet up.
It's definately true love I feel for her, I've had many gf's before her...but this was far different. I'm not that young, nor naive.
Despite being a little insecure (who isn't?) and even bad to me at times, I still took it, brushed it off and did my best because I care.
Truthfully I think in the end she thought things would work out and she'd somehow never have to face up to her mum about being in love/a relationship with me.
Only to find she's just got engaged last Thursday (Valentine's Day) after being with him for just under 3 months... and it is killing me, I've been with this girl through so much, important birthdays, family member dying on her side (I was there for her through it all) and loads of other stuff... and at the end of the day it's not because of indifferences between us, it's just because of a simple thing, her family... I could understand if it was because we simply did not get on, but we do, so well... and ALWAYS have done..
I love this girl with all my heart, and have had to see her not only meet someone new, but get engaged...she even admitted she regretted not getting back with me, she just couldn't tell her own mum who she loved.. I'm fairly sure her problem is being weak and can't say no, and just does what's easiest to avoid arguement (that may sound stupid but remember I've known her 3 years)
I have also dated a few girls after this, but in truth, none have come even close to her.. (despite the flaws)
I know it's easy to say walk away, forget her, find someone new, but there is something special there, and it's always been there even through the worst times....even now.
The worst thing is this guy is only 19 years old, and I don't want to see her hurt by him, I know people who know him, and they've all said he's a bit of an idiot. And to get engaged after 3 months is surely just crazy? I was with her 3 YEARS and I didn't ask her that...
She admits she loves him, but still isn't what she ever wanted from me...
To me (and probably most other people) engagement is something very serious, but perhaps to these two it's just "a cool" thing to do? I thought she was intelligent...
Which is why this has been such a hard thing, and a sad story..
What do I do? I can't just stop caring....Any comments would be welcome, thanks for reading...
I used to read this Forum years ago, nice to see it's still going! But this is my first post.
Of course I still want to be with her, I truly love her, and always have done...
I can understand the feeling. I too, am 3.5 years older than my gf.
My gf was 13 when I met her where I was 16. We're 15 and 18 now. We both have to deal with the differences in our lives but I love her dearly.
It seems as if your gf did have a serious insecurity. I think you need to step back and understand that this was her decision, and you're not at fault for the ending of your relationship. As such that means you're free to pursue someone who is willing to put as much dedication into a relationship as you are..
I don't really believe in age difference, but is this girl the one you really wish for? I mean whenever you both would walk away for few days she'd sleep with others, if this isn't due to lack of modesty then it's probably due to excess stupidity, no offense.
it seems pretty complicated specially when you can't carry on, but why would her mum say no to you and yes to the other guy? and actually getting engaged after being in a semi-indirect relationship for 3 months proves the stupidity part.
moving on is definitely the hardest thing one can ever do specially when he still care/love. If i was you i'd talk to her one more time, once and for all, see what she really wants/need, whether its the other guy or she just said yes coz she's too weak to say no to her mum. If it's only about her mum I think you should motivate her to struggle and fight for you, you both haven't gone through many to just end it like that.
Wishing you best of luck
Good reply adel!
Well, I admit she is being ridiculously stupid over being engaged so soon, but I believe it's a rebound thing off me, I couldn't really explain much more in the original post as it would take FAR too long... essentially she was madly in love with me, would have done anything for me, but because I fell out with her mum she has had to meet someone new (I did dump her in the end cos thing's got so bad)
We still speak, infact spoke alot today, but she shy's away from how she feels, always has done, since the day I met.. for instance if I go see her (even now) and say, what went wrong, let's talk and sort this out, she just say's as little as possible then ends up crying.. maybe she hurts because she wants me but doesn't think she can?
I tried to get her to fight for her freedom, but in the end that's what killed the relationship.. not due to differences..
I know this is hard to say but how about just moving on? apparently she's too weak to even discuss what's really bothering her, so why the hassle if her choice was to just obey her mother's wish and get engaged to the other guy