This post is long, but if you feel like helping me I'd greatly appreciate it.
My name is Jordan. I’m 16 and I’m a junior in high school. I wouldn’t say I’m ugly, but I wouldn’t say I’m attractive. I really don’t know what to think of myself.
SO this is the first time I'm spilling any of these feelings out to anyone. I don’t know if I’m asking for help or what. I just really need to get this out and see what someone think about it.
I'm a humble guy. I don't like making fun of people, and in turn I don't like when I get made fun of or when people make fun of me. I'm quite. Almost TOO quite. Well, not almost, I am TOO quite. Which is kind of the base of my problem. Why am I too quite? Well I was always pretty quite. But I had a little touch of anxiety in the beginning of May 2005. I was afraid that I was going to die for some reason. It pretty much ruined me from the last month or so of school. This was in my sophomore year of high school, I’m in my junior year now. Well I talked to my dad and he just got angry. He claimed it was stupid. And I really hated him for that. It was like he never heard of anxiety before. So one time he caught me crying and he sat me down, calm and quite, and said that we'll go to the doctor for depression/anxiety. Did we ever go to the doctors? No. And he never mentioned it. And that was the last time I ever talked to him about it. My dad is a great guy and all, but he can be really hard to talk to sometimes. You never know if a little thing will set him off. It's almost as if that scared him to the point where he just thought it could brush off
Now I really don't like asking for help. I hate when people pity me, I just really don't like it. I felt I could get over all of it myself, and I pretty much did. Currently, I'm not afraid of death or anything. I was all alone in this fight, and it's one of the few things I'm proud that I ever did. But the effects are still there it seems. You see, I have many friends in school, guys I talk to in class and such. But lately, I have few friends I ever hang out with out of school. Which would factor in that I'm quite. I have a friend, who's been my friend since the 5th grade. He and I are very alike, but he has many friends he talks to out of school. For the most part, I have the same friends as him. He just hangs out with them out of school, has their phone numbers and stuff. My cell phone...very few.
I'm just an extremely self-conscious person. When Shawn (my friend) talks to people, he says some stupid things, at least I think so in my mind. Some of the same things I simply THINK of saying but don't because I think they sound stupid and I'm going to embarrass myself. Most of my other friends are like Shawn as well. I just this is with both genders. I'll be out with Shawn at the mall and he'll talk to some girl from one of his classes. And that's the only way he knows her. I see a girl from my class, we may make eye contact, but it doesn't matter, because we don't talk anyway. I’m just on the outside looking in on this crazy thing called high school. I feel jealous towards all of the friendly people. I'm just insanely self-conscious and it's even gotten to the point where I think it worries my dad. The one day the phone rang, and I said "it might be for me" and he said, "well I'm waiting for a call", I said "yeah, I really have any friends anyway", and he said "yeah...I know". He seemed pretty serious when he said that. It's like I'm just not a regular teenager. He tells me stories about how he and his friends went places, fooled around. Well it's like I’m sitting here waiting for that to come around. I'm already in eleventh grade and I don't really have any friends that are girls. I used to. But never any that I hung out with outside of school. It's sad really; you could say I “have no life”. And it worries me all the time. And I never know what to do about it, which is why I've come here. I just feel on the outside looking in. When I look for help, I look on the internet for people that have had related problems, and people bring up books that show you "how to talk to people". And I sit here and wonder... This is where I am...I'm actually considering buying a book that shows me how to talk to people. I'm stuck in a hole, which I can't get out of. Normal teens worry about girls, friends, and different things. Well I'm almost to the point where I'd happy just to have those problems. Like I said before, I don't have one single friend that's a girl. Which to me is really sad. What will I do about it? I can't do anything about it. I'm so self-conscious I just can't do it. I've had one girlfriend in the past. I was in 8th grade and she was in 7th. She was a friend of my cousins, who is a grade under me and is possibly the most popular girl in her school. We get along great. She's class president, very sport, popular. While I however am... me. I've never kissed a girl, never been close. My cousin’s friend and me got along well and still do. But the whole different schools thing broke us up.
I really can't stand school anymore. For the reasons that I've presented to you time and time again so far. In late September I began working at restaurant. In the kitchen. My grandfather is the "president" there. Not the boss, but let's just say, I'd have to really screw up to get fired. It’s almost like, I enjoy working there just to get away from the hell that has become school. That’s right, work helps me get away from the pressures of school. Why? Well because I’ve become more accepted there than I am at school. There are a few jerks there, but where aren’t there? Most of the people are nice to be. I even saw a few guys form work when I went to the mall with Shawn tonight, and I said “hi” and we talked a little. But my self-consciousness kicks in the there too and the few days ago I almost quit. But I’ll save that for a little later. There’s a girl there, that’s right Jordan talking to a girl! Her name is Becky. Becky is very attractive. She’s 18, I’m 16. She’s very friendly and we’re what I’d like to call “work buddies”. We talk about stuff every once and a while. And we do a little “play fight” too, just fooling around. So obviously I’m attracted to her. Lately with her, I’ve really been at a loss for words with her since I’ve realized that I “like” her. Do I expect to get in a relationship with her? Well I don’t know. She’s graduated high school, and I’m still just a little junior. Girls, especially attractive girls like Becky rarely go for the young guys. Especially when they’re not super hot, like me. I’d like to try and flirt with her more which might be a big step for me. It will just make me feel better about myself and more confident. So if anyone has any flirting tips, throw them out there for my situation. I’ll try my best to use them.
Now this is where I saved that little part for. This is another example of how self-conscious I can be. My self-consciousness factors in at work too. For instance, I’ve been in the dishroom for the past month or so of working there. I know that’s where they put the new kids and I’m just fine with that. I know I’ve got to work my way up. After awhile I felt I was getting used to it all and going pretty fast in there. Not as fast as some of the guys, but at least I don’t get in their way. At least I thought I didn’t. There was this point where my manager said that I was going to do ovens. Where I put the pizza in the oven, take it out and cut it. We cut our pizza with scissors, because they’re squares pieces of pizza. I wasn’t doing to bad. The guys I was working with said I wasn’t too bad. But I wasn’t too quick with the cutting, which really got to me. They said it’s not really a bad thing, just as long as you get it done, and the cuts are even. Mine, for the most part, are even. But I just couldn’t get over the thought that I might be doing a bad job. They said I was getting the hang of it pretty good. Then I was put back in the dishroom just for the end of the day after making pizza. We had two new kids in there, they weren’t very good, and I was at least decent. Like I said, I’m not as quick as the guys who have been there for 6 months or so. So we were still backed up. And those new kids weren’t exactly making me look good. So we had a guy who’s been there for about 6 months, a guy I go to school with and I know pretty well. We’ll call him Joe He helped us out and we got the job done. However, we went back to the break table and he said something like “Jordan, gotta learn the dishroom better” which really crushed me. I thought I was doing a fine job. I came into the car when my dad picked me up in tears, I told him what was wrong and he told me just to brush to off. And that he’s been getting word that I’ve been doing fine job. So I took it for what it was and I went to work the next day. I worked in the dishroom with Joe’s brother. We put in our 5 hours and sat down about to leave and he says “you’ve gotten pretty good in the dishroom”. So I liked that comment. But I still couldn’t get over what Joe said for some reason. I wasn’t freaking about it like before but it still stuck with me. Which got me thinking. I hope none of the other guys I’m friendly with think I’m a bad worker. I just really hate it how that kind of stuff gets to me. I really hate it. I never thought I was that bad of a worker, and I guess I’m not.
So feel free to ask me any questions. Anything. I just want opinions and help.
So very confused (seeking help)
This post is long, but if you feel like helping me I'd greatly appreciate it.
Hi Jordan, you're like me. I'm a worrier too, always more ready to believe something is not good enough than that it is. I think too much, I analyse too much, instead of getting on with life and living it.
You see, in real life making mistakes is part of the process. You say things that sound stupid, you do stupid things, but people forgive you. If you take an attitude of "safety above all", you don't live. You don't do things. You don't get into relationships because they are uncertain ground and you might get hurt.
As you see, trying to cure the pain of life by avoiding it is worse than the disease. We both need to dive into life, to let go and get wet.