I couldn't sleep tonight because I was thinking about this. If you're willing to read this whole thing, I appreciate it. Basically, when I was very young I was I guess in a way "molested" by a cousin. He's only cousin by law though. I say molested because I didn't really want to do it, but I don't know what to call it. He showed me porn, felt me all over, made out with me, made me suck him, and tried to have sex. He just kept saying it will feel good, and we won't get in trouble. I think he had just got the sex talk or something because I remember him trying to explain why.I guess he had pre-cum or something because when I went for the bj I tasted it, and I thought it was gross and said no more. This part makes me laugh though, he offered to put Dr. Pepper on it. Hahaha. Anyway, the whole problem with this though, is it caused me to think that whole scenario was okay to do. I don't remember if it was just kids getting horny or what but I remember all the little sexual kind of doctor games I'd play with my friends. It's sad to say I don't remember how old I was when the thing with my cousin happened. I know it was before 3rd grade, but I dont know how early. I remember when I was in pre-k I had thought sexual thoughts about some kid there that were similar to the things with my cousin, so it could be that early. Having been introduced to all of this, I eventually started looking at porn -hentai- at a very young age. Like 4th grade. Got if through Sailor Moon search, all innocent at first. But don't worry I got caught. Anyway, the main thing that kills me is that basically what happened to me, I ended up kind of repeating to my little sister. I'm just confused about who it was influenced by, my cousin or my little friends? What happened with my little sister never really got too far, but we played the little childrens games, like doctor and humping. I found this from another thread about children sexual games-"Children in the age of 6-12 years play humping games and doctors games, both with clothes on and off. The figure shows that a percentage around 45-85% of all children will have participated in a sexual game with another child when they reach the age of 13 (thus ending the period of childhood). Those sexual games are mainly humping games and doctor games. 10-20 percent of those games will involve a family member be it sisters and brothers or cousins.Also about half of the incidents are between persons with the same gender. The younger the persons the greater chance of the same gender. The explaination for this is that children will often be shy to the opposite sex, and seeking to play out their sexual energy with someone they're close with; a friend. There is no indication that homosexuality should evolve from such episodes, and this act should thus not be viewed as homosexual."After reading that I was glad to know I wasn't some weirdo perverted kid having messed around at so young. Once I realized that those games were "bad" and we shouldn't play them I stopped. After that, I started feeling horrible. I began thinking I'd burn in hell because I had played games with my little sister. It's been years since those games and now she's alittle older. A 4th grader. I decided it was time to talk about it. I explained to her that something happened to me that made me think it was okay to do that stuff, but it wasn't. She didn't remember a lot of it, but enough to know what I meant. She said that was stuff people that our sister should do shes 18. I told her I was sorry that I had done that, but I just still can't help but wonder if that all makes me a bad person. For so many years I've beat myself up over it. My parents know about my cousin, but don't know about the little games I've played with many of my friends and younger sister. My older sister even played some type of sexual game, but that involved barbie dolls. I'm sorry I've rambled. But this is the only place I knew I could say these things without hopefully being put down. I just wanted to get this off my mind, and telling people things really does help relieve your mind. I honestly could not sleep I was thinking about this. I have a feeling some people might think I'm stupid because I've worried about this, but honestly I thought I was alone with the games. Thanks for reading.
Can't get off mind..
I'm sorry to hear what happened.Have you seen your cousin since?I did stuff when I was very young with a girl whose house I used to stay over quite alot. It made me feel wierd but I dont think its had much of an impact on me.
Yeah I have seen him since. He hung out with my family for a day. He dropped out of school. My mom started talking about him staying with us for a week. She didn't know what happened at that time. My little sister got all excited, I'm just glad he didn't. I don't know why it's had so much of an impact on me. Once I was old enough to understand those things are things you should do when you're all mature and stuff I started thinking I was bad. Now at the age of 15 I have done stuff with the boyfriend I'm with now. He's the only person I've done anything with, and I only have because I know I'm comfortable with him. I don't have any regrets towards it or anything. I guess I'm just hoping my little sister doesn't get a fucked up mind. I look back now and think I was alittle perverted for my age. I hate that I was introduced to the whole sexual thing at such a young age. When I told my sister she was like, "You need therapy. You could of gotten messed up because of that. You need to tell mom." That scared the crap out of me, but I told my mom. She didn't comfort me or anything, I started crying when I told her. She just kind of asked questions. She said she'd tell my dad *who lives states away* and I just said as long as you make him promise he won't talk to me about it. That's be awkward for me. I mean it was weird enough telling my mom I gave my cousin a bj. Anyway.. I just kind of wonder if I'm the only one who's played little childrens games.
Give yourself a break hon. You did what you did when you were young and experimenting. Now your older and need to forgive yourself and move on.
Get a taste of Old Time Religion..........lick a witch grin