Well, I am now over 6 months into a relationship which started out wonderful. He moved in with me a couple of months ago. We've had only a couple of fights. All seemed well until all of a sudden out of the blue he says he's not sure how he feels.I know I'm not a perfect person, but I do what I can to please him. That brings me a lot of joy when I know the man I am with is happy.So, a few days ago he tells me he's leaving. "I'll have my bags packed in the morning." He didn't leave, but I've been walking on egg shells since. He agreed to stay for a few days to think his decision over more and be sure this is what he wants. Since then, he has told me how much he loves me, told one of our mutual friends that I treat him excellent, and also told me that it's not me, it's him. Yet, he hasn't told me what his decision is.I've been reading a lot about commitment phobia on the web and everything it says seems to point to my bf. Several sights offer books to buy on this subject and how to salvage the relationship, but I would rather hear from others who have gone through this, and if they ever succeeded at keeping the relationship in tact. I would also like to hear from men who are commitment phobic and tell me what causes this and how a woman can prevent this from happening to them when their heart is deep into the relationship.
Commitment Phobia . . .
Not exactly been there, done that... but for what it is worth, here are my 2 cents worth.
NOTHING you say or do will stop him from leaving. No matter how well you treat him, if he wants to leave - he will leave. Point being, would you WANT him to stay, if he does not want to stay?? No matter how much of your heart is into this relationship.. you may just have to accept that he is nto into it the same way.
I know that this is not what you wanted to hear...
How about asking him why he feels he wants to leave? How old are you guys? Does he have other issues?
Hang in there, this is hard on you.
I did ask him why over the weekend. He told me he has issues with my ex. They used to be friends. Long story short, my ex will not leave me alone. He texts me, e-mails me, corners me in public. He is practically stalking me. I have done everything in my power to stop my ex from bothering me to no avail. I took the last resort this weekend and threatened to have him arrested for harrassment if he contacted my in any way again. Hopefully, this will stop all interference.Anyway, my bf and I spent a lot of time talking about this and what we need to do to repair our relationship. I am the first woman he has been with regularly since him and his ex separated (now divorced). It has been two years. So when he made his choice to move in with me, I knew he had to seriously think about his decision. I don't think he wants to leave now. He was pulling away for a while, but he's back where he was. I really think that the baggage we both brought into this relationship is hard to put aside. His ex was abusive verbally and physically. I think the fights might have stirred up some of those old feelings. That may be where the fear came from. I know if I had a relationship like he had with his ex, I would have a very hard time trusting another man.I'm still not sure where things are going at this point, but I realized that I have changed a lot over the last month. It didn't really occur to me until this weekend. He fell in love with a girl that was fun, exciting, ready for anything. Recently I started settling; talking about our near and distant future. I guess that would probably scare any man.I explained these changes to him letting him know that I am scared as well; that I am looking for a man I feel I can spend the rest of my life with (no marriage) that's fun and who loves and respects me. But in the same breath I also let him know that I only see short term right now with him. I haven't developed enough confidence in our relationship to see beyond that. I think that eased his mind. I really think he thought I wanted to run off and get married. I let him know I am no where near ready for anything like that.Your other question, I'm 42 he's 36. We have great chemistry. He's a terrific man.But back to the original question, does anyone out there have input on commitment phobes? I tend to be attracted to that type. How do you recognize this in the beginning? I need a "COMMITMENT PHOBE RADAR". If the two of us can't work this out, I don't want to end up with another one. I'm getting too old for this BS.