Snooping . . . Right or Wrong?

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Over the last several weeks, my bf and I have had a couple of arguements. One pretty serious, the other not so big. During one of the fights he said he was going to leave me (we live together). We've been seeing each other for over 6 months and have lived together since October. Anyway, I asked him to give it a few days to be sure that he was making the right decision. He has since then told me he wants to work harder at our relationship and wants to stay.Well, here's where the snooping came in. During this time period, I have been feeling him pulling away a bit. So, like most women, I think, I started feeling very insecure. I looked in his cell phone for strange numbers and looked through his text messages. He doesn't know I did this.What I found made my heart sink. I introduced a friend of mine I'll call Sara, to one of his friends I'll call Tom, over the summer. They are still together. Well, Tom sent him a text a couple of weeks ago asking him if he would like to meet a really good looking, really nice girl. A friend of Sara's. His response was that he would like to but he had his kids for the weekend and wouldn't be able to. I am furious with Sara because she broke the "woman's code" but I can't say anything to her unless I confess to snooping.Anyway, my stommach sank. I wish I never looked at that because I feel like I invaded his privacy, but on the other hand, with that information, I am having some serious issues trusting him. I have gone through every scenerio in my head like, his response was a macho response, or that because he was having issues with me he was 2nd guessing having a committed relationship, and maybe they were just fucking around. I also put myself in his shoes and realize that women tend to do the same thing when they're pissed at their boyfriends. My girlfriends will certainly come to the rescue at the first hint that I'm thinking about leaving a man. So, I'm not sure whether I should drop the whole thing or address it. I know I should have never snooped, and now I find myself doing it again and again. There have been no other messages of that nature, and he has told me again and again that he wants to stay. I fear that I am being played and that if I don't tell him what I did and get some answers, that this is going to drive me crazy until I get it off my chest.Any opinions are welcome, good or bad.

Whats done is done so what? the end result is the same.If Im seriously thinking about cheating and meeting other people then its time I end the relationship Im in. Fantasy is one thing but seriously acting on any of it is another. You know what you know and ultimatly thats what matters is that you do know. I you hadnt been snooping you wouldnt but there must be some distrust for you to be doing that.You dont trust him and he is atleast looking into with a serious tone, some cheating.Why waste time worring and fucking around?6 months is no big deal and better 6 months then 6 years to find out.Put his shit outside on the porch and change the locks. go for a dirve and find a new man.

You're probably right, but I keep thinking that this might be a passing thought of his. And no, I'm not blind, but he is a great man. He made the choice to move in with me but I think he is extremely afraid of committment. Most men don't think of this at the time. All they think about is the here and now.There have been times in the past (not with him) when I've been frustrated with a relationship and have responded like that when my friends have come to my rescue. When people are mad at their partner, they may react that way but it doesn't mean that's really what they want to do. I know I never would have gone there. I was sitting next to him at home when he got the message. He was just laughing. He probably told his friend that we had been fighting and started running at the mouth. You know, the macho stuff. Anyway, most friends listening to this would come to the rescue. "Hey have I got a girl for you."

I keep thinking that this might be a passing thought of his.Don't bet on it. You need to have a serious discussion about the long-term prospects of your relationship, with the idea that you guys will be monogamous. If he can't or won't do it, you'll know that he's not in it for the long haul.I'm not sure if there's any point in worrying about "commitment phobia". There is no magic bullet to fix it. You need to treat him as an individual.

Wow! Well first off I am against snoopying (unless it Christmas gifts, than I'm guity LoL), but what you did has already been done. Unfortunately you found out some bad info and its info you needed to know.Before you say anything to you BF, you might want to make sure those messages you seen were not old message.. other words check the date it was recieved. Otherwise you need to have a talk like Steve said. If he cannot promise to be faithful than you need to get yourself out of the relationship. You're a sweet girl and deserve better.Hope it turns out the way you want it too. My fingers are crossed for ya babe.

I feel I do treat him as an individual. I know I'm a great girlfriend. I give him his space and time to do the things he likes. He has his guy time. I put no demands on him. We spend what time we can together and it's usually very enjoyable. I stroke his ego continuously and we are very compatible sexually.I am worried about the commitment issue. Why do men agree to move in with women then all of a sudden get cold feet. My assumption is that when a man makes the decision to move in, he has decided that he is looking for something long term. Am I right or wrong?

The messages were written Nov. 25th. And I am against snooping too. I don't know what possessed me to do it. I just had a lot of insecurity. In fact, I am a fanatic about cell phones. My cell phone is my life. All my numbers, contacts, text messaging. I would be highly pissed if this were done to me. Still doesn't change the fact that he's thinking about seeing another girl. But like I said, there have been no other messages of that nature since the first.

> I feel I do treat him as an individual. I know I'm a great girlfriend.

I'm not questioning that. I just meant it in the context of men being commitment-phobic.

> Why do men agree to move in with women then all of a sudden get cold feet.

That's what I meant.

> My assumption is that when a man makes the decision to move in, he has decided that he is looking for something long term. Am I right or wrong?

I'd say that's probably true for most people, male or female. Don't think there aren't any commitment-phobic women. The point is that you have to treat your boyfriend as an individual in this respect. You need to get to the bottom of whether he is willing to have a committed, monogamous relationship with you.

The question is not whether you deserve it. I'm sure you do. The question is where his head is at.

I never rescue my friends, fuckem they can get thier own girls.Now Iv taken my buddies over to girls I know of loose morals at a party and gotten em laid but Inever hooked em up with a date and this girl is great and shes perfect for you.I dated my girl for over a year before I moved her in with me. Wev lived together now for a bit over a year, ths is long term but it was long term BEFORE I moved her in with me and I knew it. Early in a relationship shits great or its over and if it goes over a few weeks its great. people o stupid shit and move in befor they should an beore they had the chance to really evaluate if they want to have anything long term with that person. Maybe thats what you did with him? dated 4 montsh then moved in lived together two and now he is realizing he isnt with who he thought he was.as to you being great sezually, men are pigs, I should know I am one.We connect great with any girl that is willing ot give us sex. We dont even have to have that emotional connection, Iv fucked girls I hated just because they wanted to help me get off at a time when they were all that was convienant.Men are pigs, what can I say, Oink Oink.I he isnt serious and he isnt in it long term then you need to know that and decide what your after in it. I its just sex and a fun buddy great, if its something stronger and more serious then get of your ass an move on with your life. Im all for having fun and sex with no cimmitments but I was always upfront with the girls I slept with and what I was after before we got down to the actual sex part.If you trusted him you wouldnt be snooping and if you dont trust him how can you have a meaningful conversation to decide what to do with him and if this relationship is going to continue?

Until these fights, I had no reason to feel insecure. His eyes would light up every time I entered the room. There is no doubt in my mind that at one point the man probably did want to have a go at it long term. I just don't know why a couple of fights would have spooked him.One thing I realized is that my attitude towards our relationship has become more serious. I used to "play" with him a lot more. Just last week I realized I hadn't sent him a horny text in almost a month. I talked to him about this and told him that I want to go back to the girl he fell in love with. The one that was fun and spontaneous and open to everything.Why is it so damn hard for a man to give women small reassurances? We really don't ask for much. For me, even a look works. Knowing that he is still interested. If I were to get little reassurances, I would never feel paranoid or insecure.

men are pigsSo are women. I had a relationship with a married woman, and I was hurt when she told me I wasn't the only one she'd fooled around with. Silly me. Men and women both often are just looking for a roll in the hay, and they both have a lot of trouble with fidelity.

Are you guys willing to go for couples counseling? You two need to find out if you're on the same page. It's not that easy to evaluate a relationship from one person's perspective.

He's not a couseling type of guy. In fact, every time we have a conversation his answers are "yes" and "no". he never elaborates. This is what makes it so difficult. I try to figure everything out then ask his in a way that I get a yes or no answer. How do you talk to men that don't know how to talk?

How do you talk to men that don't know how to talk? You mean, how do you talk to people who won't communicate? Good question. It depends why the person doesnt' want to communicate. Is this the kind of thing you'd want to live with for the rest of your life?At the end of the day, he's either interested in committing, or he's not. If he's not, it sounds like you guys are done, since you're looking for something else. If he can't answer the question, "Are you willing to make a commitment?" with a "Yes", then you have to decide what you really want.

Well, he's good at a yes or no question. And the communication thing was like that from the beginning. He's just not much of a talker. He communicates to me more through body language and facial expressions if you know what I mean. Yes, we do have conversations on a daily basis. But when it comes to feelings and relationship issues, it's always been me to initiate the conversation.You know, I figured I was experienced enough to understand men better, but I don't know if I'll ever figure you guys out. I pride myself in being open and honest (oh what a cliche after snooping) with people. It has taken a lot of years to control my jealousy and other damaging emotions. I trust until I'm given a reason no to. But, if I ever ended up with the "ideal" man, he would probably bore me.what do women do that scares men off? And if we've scared you some, how do we get the relationship back on track?

Ever think maybe he doesnt talk because he doesnt want to?If you are in a situation its sometimes to you rbenifit to shut up.If your living someplace and its saving you money and ya got eh sex when ya want it and its good then until you have something better lined up why say something to risk losing all of it?even if he pays 1/2 of the bills its still less then if he is on his own.What sort of situation was he in before he moved in with you ?maybe he isnt willing to communicate or maybe he just doesnt because of its inherint risks to his lifestyle and he doesnt have anything better set up to go to YET.I can be wrong, I have no personal knowlege of you or him. but maybe hes just a bastard?

I knew him for two years before we started seeing each other. He was married for 10 years prior to this. He was burned. I am the first woman he's seen regularly since his ex and him separated, now divorced. I wonder if his past experiences are hindering on our relationship. He's just not a talker and it's very hard to figure him out.What you say about him possibly playing me until something better comes along. Well, I've thought about that too. That is something I hope is not true. If he's a good player I will never know it until he burns me anyway. I think we all know that.Let me tell you something, I'm 42 yrs old. This is the first relationship I can remember that was absolutely wonderful. He's said that himself. This is what's so difficult. That's why it's so hard to conceed to that possibility. If he's playing, I haven't had this type of playing done to me since high school. He knows I am in love with him. He knows where my heart is.

Relationships are the hardest thing, and they are SO hard when you don't feel 100% secure with the person you are with.I totally get why you checked his texts, and i am sorry that you found what you found. One thing i don't get is why you would blame your girlfriend............the text was from her boyfriend to yours, she very probably doesn't know.His age and previous history means that yes he will have baggage, but that is absoutley no excuse to think about cheating on someone they are living with. >>>>>> How do you talk to men that don't know how to talk? Men do know how to talk, but not in the same way we women do. Men think very differently to women, we might come up with the same conclusions, but we got there a totally different way. Women are feelings driven, its how we talk, men arn't feelings driven and sometimes don't get why we are in floods of tears over something, and we don't get how they can be so hard faced when we are so upset. We are just wired up differently.Now, as for tackling this with him, you have to ask him straight out, and I really don't agree with lying about anything to a partner, but if you feel you can't admit that you snooped, then tell him your girlfriend found out (leave out details) what Tom had texted him, and what he had replied. He won't be able to deny it, and will get that the game is up. Be careful to do this in a calm manner, don't back him into a corner by going for him and screaming the house down, all you will get is a 'arrggh fuck off' response from him. Be calm, sit across from him, and tell him, try not to get emotional, at least until you hear his excuse.

You know Angel, I was going to PM you with this because I thought you would have some good suggestions. I have not confronted him yet, but every day since then seems to be getting closer to the norm. Last night specifically, I felt as though everything was good. I don't know if I should say anything at all about the text.

As for what Sara did, I'm mad at her because she broke the women's code. I would never interfere in someone elses relationship. Not once did she even consider calling me and asking about the situation. And as for her knowledge of this issue, I am 100% sure she knew about it. She is not a close friend, but still, we do get together from time to time and as I said, I introduced her to her bf. It is well known that this woman is manipulative and enjoys drama. I have really never trusted her. I don't like the fact that Tom sent this text message to him, but I do realize that he has been friends with my bf for years. And as I said, I truly believe that my close friends would probably do the same if the roles were reversed. As for Sara, there was no reason for her to do this other than to start shit. She is notorious for this. I just never thought she'd do it to me. I guess I'm pretty stupid. I live on the belief that I will be treated by others as I treat them. Whether I like a person or not, I treat them with respect UNTIL they fuck me over. Then watch out.

Also, I have not forgotten the fact that my bf is really the issue here. He is the one who really broke the code. Dealing with that is much harder. He has been coming around over the last week like he's made his decision to stay, but I still get paranoid. I truly believe that I feel this way because of the text and nothing more. Had I not read that, everything would seem normal to me. I wonder if I am creating the distance rather than him.

hey you can PM me anytime hon im always here.......well for now anyway. >>>>>>He has been coming around over the last week like he's made his decision to stay, but I still get paranoid. You are bound to be paranoid hon, not knowing if he is staying or going. Thats totally unfair on his part, you are bound to feel VEYR insecure. I went through a stage where i didn't know if my other half was staying, after it was mentioned once that if things didn't improve that he would leave (this was in the first year we got together) he packed his bag while we were having an argument, and i begged him to stay (i was at a down point in my life and suffering from depression at the time, no way i would beg now) he did stay, but the packed bag sat there, because he said he just forgot about unpacking it, but for me it was there, would he stay or go.............so on our next argument it was me that got the car keys put his bag in the car, threw the keys at him and told him to fuck off and leave me alone. That was his wake up call. He realised that he couldnt' mess me about, 'thinking' about whether he was staying or going, depending on if we argued or not, he was either here and we worked through stuff or he was gone, no in betweens. He drove 100 miles, stopped, and came back, aksed me if he could come in, and we talked. That was the turning point for us, and i felt safe in knowledge that he knew i wouldnt' put up with it anymore, and he knew that he couldn't leave, he just couldn't drive away..........it was then we both realised what and how we felt about eachother, and made a vow of brutal honesty between eachother, its not nice to hear sometimes, what we have to say to and about eachother, but there is no misunderstanding, etc. damn i was making a point with that and i can't remember what it was LOLAs for things being alright now and not knowing to mention the texts or not. Well personally i would still confront him with it, YOU will think about it still, even tho things are ok, and you will still feel insecure and wonder whether he is cheating on you, for your own peice of mind you have to know.............if he is, or thought about it even, then hes not in the relationship 100% and you dont' need that. Insecurity is the thing that breaks up relationships, it leads to jealousy, seeing things that arn't there that cause arguments, you can end up putting up with things you normally woudln't cos you are scared he might leave etc, its just not worth it, in my opinion, but thats just me.