Ok, so I am feeling very sad. I will try not to make this long.I have been with my fiancee for 4 years now. He is 23 and I am 25. We have a child together and I have one of my own. Well, when I was pregnant he started going out and staying out late. It was OK at first because he was just turning 21. But then he started coming home later and later and going out more often. When the baby came, I was alone most of the time and working my butt off. He would go out and then not go to work. He went through many jobs since then because frankly he has become an alcoholic. He doesn't see himself as one, but to me, if you cannot go to work after you drank too much the night before, you have a problem. And like I said, this has cost him many jobs. Anyway, I found out he was cheating on me about 2 years ago. I was very hurt because I work hard and do nothing but take care of my children. We talked about it and he said he was sorry and wanted to be with me, blah, blah. I decided I would forgive him, but I have not been able to forget. I unfortunately had/have absolutely no trust for him. Since then, I think he has cheated on me again. Probably repeatedly. When I confront him, he is always saying he loves me and the kids and wants a life with me etc. I do not believe him at all, but I stay I think, because I want my kids to have thier father. When he is around he is very good with the kids and we get along OK. He was working at night, which seemed to be good for him because it kept him out of the bar. Now, he is switching to day shift and I can already see what is going to happen next. Well, I have decided I just cannot take it anymore and I want him to move. He says he won't go and starts the crying bullshit and I love you etc. So, I really need advice on how to put my foot down and either have him move or move myself. It is so hard because everytime, I fall for his "I will change" crap and then a week later, it's the same thing. Any thoughts, advice, kind words, would be greatly appreciated.
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What to do?
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In reply to:
I want my kids to have thier father. When he is around he is very good with the kids
Good.
What does you two living together have to do with them having a father?
My dad was the same way, ater the divorce I saw more of him then I did when he lived with us. Him not living there has nothing to do with being a father. If he is a father he will be a part of the kids lifes no matter where he lives.Next, if you cant trust him then you already are out of the relationship. Being strong enough to put your foot down is upto you nothing anyone an do to make thatbetter for you.
Whos name is on the house or apartment? whos a co lease and whos the leasee or owner? You can have him ejected if he refuses to go if your the main on the lease. Alot o times in most places that doesnt matter anyways its where the kids go and who can take care of them that determine who has the current home nad who moves. If hes a problem then you cna have the police assist you in either having him move or making sure he doesnt interfere with you moving out.
Good luck -
awwww honey hugs Its So hard, if not impossible to ever trust someone once they have cheated on you, but saying that hon you tried and all credit to you. I couldn't live with someone like that, and neither can you, its not worth it.As for how to get him out, i dont' know............i take it he won't go just by telling him to! sigh however i do think you're doing the right thing, you deserve to be happy and treated like a princess..........and he WILL still be able to keep contact with the kids etc, just cos you two arn't together it doesnt mean that he will sever ties with the boys.I think if i thought it was going to be hard to make my other half leave, i would just get the kids and go myself...........it wouldn't be worth me trying to get him to leave...........and i think personally for me it would make me feel less in control and strong if i had to wait about for him to choose when he left.Im sorry to hear you are soo unhappy darlin, especially this time of year, but you are strong, and you will do what you need to do, and im here anytime you need me, you know that big big hugs
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Well sweets I agree with Chance and Angel.Just because he is not there doesn't mean he won't be a good father, sounds like he loves the children and him leaving won't stray his love.You need to be happy, life is WAY to short NOT to be happy. You have to do what's best for you and your kids. And remember the only way for your kids to be happy is to be happy yourself. Forcing yourself to stay with someone who, well, is making you miserable can truely effect your children.I would try again politely to tell him that you're just not happy and this just isn't working for you anymore. Express you need your breathing room to think and having him there isn't helping. If that doesn't work than you will have to be more stern if not have him evicted if possible. I would try and sway from doing anything that might cause more grief, but regardless you have to do whats in your best interest.I hope that helps sweetie and please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. hugs
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Go and get different locks for the doors, change them. Then, you should pack some of his belongings, like his necessities and stuff, put them in a box or a bag then put them outside. Leave a note explaining yourself again. Or leave yourself, I know it is hard with kids, but good luck to you.
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I feel deeply sorry reading this post, and I even wish I could understand this situation (which is pretty tough for you).Well, I can't advise you if you should break up with him or not. This is a SERIOUS decision, which you can only take. Since he cheated on you and he's not responsible in his life, you have all the rights to move on. But, the main reason for leaving someone is when you realize that you do not love him anymore.Unfortunately, a divorce can affect badly most of the children. But, being married with someone that you do not love at all and fighting with each other all the time will affect even worse your children. I've spoken with chidren that they've experienced an equal situation and they'd say a divorce would be better for everyone.If you still love your husband, despite all these facts, give him a chance. But, I suppose you have to be next time really strict to him (he should ask help about drinking) and he has to realize that you won't tolerate anymore his actions (leaving the house for 1 week to visit your mother will scare him a lot).If you want to leave and he doesn't listen to you, you should leave with your children and go visit your parents. Tell them your problem, and I'm sure they'll understand you. After this, visit a lawyer and ask him to get the divorce papers ready. I know this is pretty hard, but the options here are very few.Anyway, a psychologist would advise you better, since this situation is pretty serious.
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Thank you all for the advice and hugs. The only reason I wanted to stay for the kids, is because I fear that his alcoholism will consume his life and then he will not want to be around his son. At least for now when he is sober, he plays with him and shows him affection.I am also kind of worried that when I do leave, or when it finally sinks in that I do not want to be with him, that he may get very angry or vengeful. Kind of like a if he can't have me, no one will. It is probably just in my head. But he has said things that have scared me before when he has been drunk. I don't mean to make him out to be an asshole. He wasn't this way until he started drinking. I guess I have alot of planning to do. Thanks again guys!
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Hey Lish, sorry to hear that. Being that I don't know what your situation is or anything about it, I'm trying to be as generic as possible in what I say. So, if you can glean anything from it great if it doesn't apply just dismiss it.
Speaking from experience, if it can be avoided, try not to be mean spirited about the break up. I was usually an ass when I broke up with someone and I regret to this day. Whenever I bump into them it's always awkward. If you can avoid that it will be all the better in the long run sense you will have to talk to & deal with him quite often, as he is the father of your kids.
Just going by how I interpreted your post, it sounds like the biggest problem with the break up it you sticking to your decision. I didn't read it as he won't go out the door but rather, he begs and you cave. If that is the case, you have to find the resolve within yourself to do what is best for you and your kids. Keep in mind that staying in an untrusting relationship will, most likely, not be beneficial for your kids. If they grow up seeing dad step out on mom and mom never trusting dad that will surely have a negative effect on their lives and their relationships later on. So, if it helps, as your husband is begging and pleading, remember, if you can't trust him, it will be better for your kids , I think, to see mom and dad have a positive relationship apart than a dysfunctional one together.
Try and avoid the messy break up as much as is possible. Given, I don't know what he's like, just don't outright lock him out. Stick to your decision and tell him this time it is over but you can stay here, on the couch tonight, until you find and friend who will take you in or a place that you can stay. Most likely he won't stay, I wouldn't. I would end up crying myself to sleep in the car somewhere. I guess what I'm trying to get across is that the, unavoidable, anger and animosity of the break-up will eventually wain and when it does the simple kindnesses will be remembered and appreciated and possibly make for a better post break-up partnership for your kids to see. Custody and visitation and child support are going to be problematic enough anything you can do to reduces the animosity between the two of you will be better for everyone involved, because that mother-father partnership won't be dissolved by the break-up of the relationship.
Like I said earlier, I don't know anything about him, you or the situation. You may just need to go straight to a women's shelter, for all I know, and if that is the case then by all means do it. I have just assumed that it can end somewhat amicably. Sense he is a good dad I think it would be better to try and keep the partnership of raising your children in as good a standing as possible by avoiding putting any undue strain on it. Like I said before, your relationship may be over but the partnership of child rearing isn't, and never will be.
I've gone back and forth all day whether to post this or not and here it is. Remember, all of this is based on my assumptions of your situation and if it doesn't apply then just dismiss it. I hope you the best hun, take care.
Lish, your last post wasn't up when I started writing my responce. If you have any fear of him don't take the chance, just get away. If you think he may do something stupid as his first responce to the ending of your relationship then you leave go stay somewhere else, a motel where no one knows where your at and give him pleanty of time to cool off. if he does let acohol consume him than everything I just said is a moot point. Sorry I can't be more help hun.
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If that is really a concern then its all the more reason to get out now.If he doesnt want to be around his kids then he isnt really a father at all. I do every thing I can to get more time with my kids and having them with me is why iM rarely on here durig weekends, I used to drink constantly but I still had time to be sober and be with my kids when I could get them. I spent a shitload of money in court to get custody of my kids and rarely drink anymore unless you count the 2 or 3 beers I have ater dinner if we are going to be home that night. I dont drink all the time and I dont get drunk most time when I do drink jsut a drink or 3. If he really sees himself as thier dad he will still be around or them. I your scared o him that just one hell of a good reason to get out of it and the sooner the better.Too many people said ehh its prolly my imagination and then woke up in a hospital or wound up in the morgue. I your scared of it then Id take steps to keep it from happening when you break all this shit out.Being as it is the 22nd already and its only days from Christmas Id let it go or a ew days if your really not in any danger and give the kids a last Christmas with the whole family there.or years ater my parents divored I still had christmas with both of them. My dad came down christmas eve and slept on the couch to be there for the morning present run. If your both adults ( I mean mentally not physically ) you can work stuff like that out, personally Id kill my x if I was in that situation I cant stand the bitch. Guess that makes me a non adult? Anyways how it turns out after the fat is up to you and him and both of you remeber ing that its not about you two and who wins its about the kids and that they are taken care of ater you two finish with each other.you dont have to be enemys once its over but thats dependant upon you two.Of course if your feeling like you maybe in danger from him then Id say fuck it and jsut end it. make sure there is someone around to help you out if it gets violent. You could change locks and put his shit on the door step. give him essentials and tell him to make arrangments to pick the rest up and have the police there when he does, Iv done that many times with my x, shit I do it just to pick the kids up because if I dont she starts some shit and calls the cops and I wake up in jail. They dot have a problem keeping hte peace and its easier on them to be there to keep it instead of coming over to break it up, safer for everyone else as well.I get my kids and she calls the cops saying I did this and that and this and I get arrested and pay lawyers to keep my ass out of jail when in reality after they talk to my kids I didnt even get out of the car, just pulled up and honked they come out and we are gone, but it never matches her story so I take cops each time I go.Good luck with it all, dont put yourself in more danger then you have to be in and do it smart instead of just doing it and letting shit happen as it may.
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Thanks for the concern Scott and Chance. hugs He has also said things like, he would get custody of the baby. I think though, that it's just his way of keeping me with him. He doesn't say things like that when he is sober.
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Thats possible but aleast here in Utah it takes a hell of a lot of money and work and proof of the woman being a nonfit mother to get it, trust me I went that route. Its the same in California too, my Uncle lives in San Diego and his divorce was messy as shit and he got screwed and hes a lawyer there. Alot of places try as much as possible to keep the mother wiht the kids, I dont know why, I think it should be determined who best can care for them and take care of them. It took me 3 years of Court and a assload of cash to get my boys.
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I'm not worried about that. I am in no way an unfit mother. lol. He just says that because he is angry and has no idea what he is talking about.
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Hey, I sympathize with you alot because I've witnessed something like this happen and it's not right. You are a really nice person and deserve sooo much better than that. He's obviously not giving you the proper treatment you deserve. You don't need it or him. I think it's great that he is good with the kids, that means he's a good father. Just not a good husband. I don't understand why he won't leave when you tell him to. That's pretty rude and selfish of him. Maybe you should give him a nice talking to that will give him the idea of how hard you're working, how he's cheating on you, that you're tired of it, and that if he really "loved" you he would understand how you feel and get out the house. You can tell him he can come visit every now and then but he needs to leave so life can be much easier for you. If he loves you he'll understand and leave. But if he truly loved you in the first place he wouldn't have cheated. You're a a great person and you don't need this. Get him out the house! You can do much better. Hope that helps.