I wrote this e-mail to a friend of mine. I sent it before I thought about what I had said and I'd like to hear what you guys think about what I wrote.
I guess it's just really hard for me to accept that, I'm not needed there anymore. Everyone has moved on except me. I came into here as an unneededstranger, and now I'm unneeded back home. I don't think I've ever felt so isolated. It's not you. Lately, everyone I kept contact with has been moving on, forgetting about me, leaving me. Here, I'm only just some aquaintence to everyone. I don't have a place anymore. For most people, they'd be ok, take the friends they have, and live for themselves. But I'm not like that. I can't do things for me. It's not who I am. But now I have no one to help, no one to listen to.
The days all run together here. The wind blows a lot. Everyday, I get up for school at 7. I do what homework I didn't do the night before, and by 7:40 I'm off to school. At 11:15 I have lunch and I drive home. I watch the same tv show and eat the same thing. A choice between a sandwich or soup. At 11:50 I drive back to school and school's out at 3:15. I go home, dress for work, and head to my job. At 10 I get home and go to bed. Then I do it again.
My job's easy enough. I help people find the items they're looking for and tell them about the item. Then at around at 9 I empty my register in electronics. Around 8 or 9 I usually start straightening the shelves and putting away misplaced things. I usually leave later than I'm suppposed to. It's ok, I don't have much else to do anyway. I get home at around 11 sometimes, even though shift is over at 10
When I got this job people jokingly told me, "Hey, now you can have a life!", but now I have no time. Today was my first day off since christmas, even though I'm supposed to only work part time. I work 14 hours this weekend alone, 7 hours on saturday, 7 hours on sunday.
I check my email, but I don't read it.
Sleep almost feels like it wastes time now. Sometimes I think about how much I miss all my friends, and how they'd specifically seek me out to talk to. No one does that here. I tend to just stand a little away from my group and just wait for the time to pass. Sometimes I end up crying myself to sleep over stupid things, like being afraid of dying alone, or maybe not having any more true friends. I don't think I've had a real meaningful hug from someone in almost 2 years. Not since I left home. Closest I got was one last year in acting class.
This term ends friday. We have a half day. I look forward to the extra time off, but I don't know why because either way, time will pass it and I have to work friday.
I don't like my classes anymore. They feel like a nuiscance. I still work to get A's because I have a future to make, but it's just not fun anymore. I hope that I like next term better. I hope I can get that class I want too.
I don't know if I stand out too much, of if I blend in too well. Either way, people ignore me a lot.
Sometimes when I'm driving, I want to slam the parking break while moving and just walk the rest of the way so I can have more time to my thoughts. I don't think I will though.
I like to randomly give people candy in class. It makes me feel good, or at least it did. Now they expect candy from me. So I feel bad when I forget. They also ask for a lot of help with they're work. I help greatfully, but i wish they wouldn't be so happy when they get a better grade than me. I'm glad they did well, but they don't need to shove it in my face. None of them has given me any candy. Even if they did, I wouldn't eat it. I'd give it to someone else.
I lost a button on my favorite shirt last weekend.
I bought and finished a 500 piece puzzle in only 4 hours the other day. No one seems to care. But I care. It made me feel good inside.
Another girl told me she wouldn't go out with me yesterday. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't told everyone about it so that I had to hear about it today.
My ASPL hasn't shown up for any of the meetings. I've worked really hard to fix this troop. I'm afraid Todd will ruin it. I don't know how well I'll take that.
My friend used to cut herself. I convinced her to stop, but she has no reason to. She doesn't believe in God, and today's society doesn't promote morality. I feel really old fashioned and out of place. I would have been a really nice addition to the 1930's.
I was really looking forward to coming home this summer. I haven't heard from anyone lately, and I'm beginning to think that when I come back, people will just give me the hello's and then forget I came. Like the uncle you see every year or so.
I've been losing weight lately. I just don't feel hungry very much anymore. I excersise when I'm bored, maybe that helps.
I haven't played my trumpet for along time. I miss it very much. I might join band again next year, even though Mr. Bradly might not like me very much for quitting. I feel bad for not playing more on my own.
No one wants to play Monopoly with me. It's my favorite game, but everyone hates it. Sometimes I like to get it out and play with myself 3 times over. I guess the plus is I always win. But I feel bad because I cheat in favor of one of my players.
When I'm frustrated or sad, I like to play my WWII games. Killing evil nazi's makes me feel good.
I wish I'd had more interest in WWII before my grandpa died.
My bed is as old as I am. It's really uncomfortable and it sinks about 6 inches in the middle. The draft from my window gives me soar throats at night.
I don't watch TV anymore.
I usually feel good about my physical nature until I see the remnants of my acne fading in the mirror and how short I am for a guy.
I crack my knuckles but I don't want to.
I hate my mother because she only talks to me when she wants something done, or if I do something wrong. She yells at me a lot, and she makes fun of me. Dad thinks she treats me badly too. He understands why I don't like her. But I try really hard to like her, because God says I have to respect her. But I have no respect for her. I hope Jesus agrees with me. I don't want to go to Hell.
I miss the rolling mountains. I wish I could be in the wilderness right now.