Not sure what to do

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Two questions...

One) I have been dating this guy for about 7 months now, not quite sure how he feels about it but for me its quite serious. But there is just a few things that bother me. He won't tell me he loves me, I guess it could be that maybe he doesn't but thats not how it feels. Alot of it I think is he is scared to say it. A year and a half ago his girlfriend said she wanted a break, then she started dating his best friend and married him. Now he will hardly open up to me. He says he's told me more than he's ever told anyone before (including his bestfriend Randy, not the same guy) but I know there is so much in his head that goes on and he won't let me in. I just don't know how the relationship can grow if he won't share how he's feeling with me (he's never happy, or sad; he's just seems like a stone except those small times that i can tell how he's feeling but he still won't say anything). I just get tired of waiting for him to show any emotion because he will try so hard not to. What should I do?

2. I don't get off with this guy, actually I have never gotten off with any guy period. I wonder if its possible for me, if maybe the guys are inexperinced or if its me. The other day I was talking to two of good guy friends (one of which I dated and actually broke up with for my current bf) and it came up that I have never orgasmed and they both said that I should get someone that knows what they are doing. And of course they said that they could get me off and wouldn't stop trying till they did. Is it wrong of me to want to do that?

I really do love me bf but i get impatient easily. And if he wasnt great i wouldn't have stuck with him this long. I think part of it is I know how much he's been hurt before and part that if I leave, even if it was a break, he wouldn't let me come back. Help?

The most important thing you can do is to stick with ur gut. You are the only one who truley knows how you feel about him and if its worth it for you to be in a relationship with him even with all this stuff. I think what you can do is sit down and talk with him, and tell him exactly what you told us. If even this cant help things then id say he has some issues, and there is no reason why you should have to be subdued to that

Thanks for the post aTa7...ill try talking to him.

Unforgetto...Sorry if it was dry, I tried not to make it to long. So you know im 20...

"You sound really immature and weak."

Just to clarify...I'm immature and weak? What is that supposed to mean? You don't know me and if anything you sound like the immature one, you need to lighten up and forget your girlfriend have been with other dudes before you. I bet you like it when they give you good head huh? Its called experience, and how are they supposed to feel about your past girlfriends? You need to wake up and realize that the beautiful girl next to you is with YOU and when she is with YOU thinks about YOU...Not her past boyfriends.

"The girlfriend cheating on him and shit is bullshit I'm sorry to say."

Why is that bullshit? Is it because you think its a lie or excuse he has? Can guys not be just as sensitive as girls if not more? Maybe your tough and your heart has never been broken or just a softie so you tell your girl how you feel all the time and let her grab you by the balls. I don't have any girls that are friends, its just not very prevelant in the military so I have a lot of friends that are guys (always been a bit of a tomboy anyway). But my guy friends have confided in me before about how they feel about a girl but that they are scared to tell them because they feel it makes them more vunerable, this is usually heightened especially if they have been hurt badly before. To say you love someone is like opening a door. They have to know if they open up the door that your not a vampire or just a big bitch.

"As for the other two guys telling you they can get you off..I only got one question "WTF?". I want you to go and tell your boyfriend the conversation that you had, and we'll see how fast he dumps your ass. Perhaps this is the reason why he won't tell you he loves you? Lack of the T (trust)?"

Maybe I didn't clarify. My boyfriend knows that these two guys are my really good friends and trusts me around them. I talk about sex with them alot, the same as you would with your friends. I don't get off on it or anything, its just informational. Actually one of the guys has a girlfriend and we talk about sex and i tell him what he could do for his gf and he tells me what I could do for mine bf. When we were talking about this and they said they could get me off I doubt it was an offer and it wasn't said that way. But that doesn't mean that i don't wonder if maybe I should see what else is out there...

Sorry for the rant and if I was rude, but thats what i have to say.

Well as for what unforgetto said about him having an excuse, i agree and i dont. ITs a tough situation because we're only going off what we read on the net here. When in person, people can give off signs in the way they talk or express themselves that would really answer this question. Obviously it is possible that both directions are the right direction, it can happen. Like i said i would talk to him, really pay attention to how he expresses himself to see if he truley means what he says or hes just making excuses. What about the way he is around u? how does he treat you in the girlfriend sense? does it seem that he loves you and maybe hes scared to say it? these are all things you really have to pay attention too. i know its difficult to do so considering your at a disadvantage because u love him. and when u love someone sometimes you dont always think so straight and what u want sometimes over rules what you actually see. If this all doesnt help, get a girlfriend of yours to pay attention to what he says or does around you, kind of as the third outside party. she can give u that advice about things you may not see. hope this helps.

Thank You all who answered the post...Last night he came home (he was in the dorm over playing pool with his guy friends) and we ended up having sex, but he stopped in the middle of it and i didn't know why. So I just held him like I normally do and he asked me why I like having sex with him. So I told him because i want to, it feels good, and i love him. When I asked him why he asked that he didn't answer me. Something typical of him I find he does when he doesn't want to answer me (he pretends he doesn't hear me or hes asleep, heh good try buddy). He does this alot so I got mad, I'm tired of it. I told him I knew he heard me and he said yes he did and it was just a question. From the way he reacted I know it wasn't but he wasn't going to tell me. So for whatever reason I started to shed a few tears (I do this when I get mad, especially if I feel vulnerable.) and he asked me why I was crying. I didn't tell him and he got mad at me so I asked "Why do you expect me to tell you what is wrong with me or how im feeling but if I where to ask you you won't tell me? Its not my fault that I actually feel emotions, and you never are sad, happy, or angry." Then I rolled over and cried and he rolled over with his back to me, so I walked out the door and he tried to pull me back but I knocked his hand away. He didn't follow me because he knows this is my way of blowing of steam, but when i came back and asked him why he doesn't tell me what he is thinking or feeling and he said because when he says something he is honest and blunt and doesn't want to hurt me. So I told him it already hurts me and if he had something to say I wish that he would say it now then wait for later, because it would be easier to let go now then later. Then he told me he loved me. I know it doesn't make since but you would have to know the whole story and know him to understand. We talked much more that night but i won't bore you. Thanks

In reply to:

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he said because when he says something he is honest and blunt and doesn't want to hurt me

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That right there is odd. It is odd that he says that and then says he loves you. To be honest i dont think he meant that he loved u. What i think he meant is he doesnt answer u because he doesnt want to say it, and he wouldnt mean it if he said it. I think he said it to shut u up about the whole situation. it honestly doesnt sound like he feels about u the way you feel about him.

haha yes. Sounds like he said it just to shut you up.From the first post you made, it did originally just sound like he's a bit weird...but now I'm not so sure.I put myself in his situation and notice some stuff that perhaps you haven't.1. If I had a girlfriend who was talking about sex with 2 guys (especially if I don't know them) and they said "I would get you off and wouldn't give up etc" then I'd have some SERIOUS issues with it.I agree you have to trust your partner, but there is a limit, and having some guy (who is close to her anyway) telling her he would give her the big O is a bit of a cheek to say the least.2. From the way you are talking, you seem really quite paranoid. When you said he doesn't tell you he loved you, I can understand it. I'm the same way. I don't like to throw words about, and I'd need to be sure that I did actually love my girlfriend before saying it. NOTE: being together, kissing, having sex etc does not mean you love a guy. There needs to be a deep emotional attachment. Realise that marriage is effectively the "ultimate gesture of love". Can you see yourself marrying this guy and spending the rest of your life with him? No? Then I doubt it's love. Don't lie to him.Don't rush him into saying something he's not comfortable with saying (yet)3. He asked you why you like doing it with him because he knows you don't get much out of it. Maybe he even knows what those guys said to you. Maybe he's suspicious that you have been thinking about doing something with someone else (and you have!) In reply to: Is it wrong of me to want to do that? Maybe he's testing you to see if you're bored of him. Maybe he wants out. I don't blame him if he does.You need to realise that he HAS been hurt before (this I do believe) and that he is treading on thin ice at the moment, and doesn't want to make a big step in telling you he loves you because he doesn't want to fall in and cause himself more hurt.Basically I think you're being pretty selfish over the whole thing and need to chill out.Oh, and stop overacting too.

You know, I think you've been getting slammed pretty bad by these guys. One, I just went through the same thing and I'm 42 yrs old. He did tell me he loved me all the time, but he was not relationship material. He was jaded real bad by his ex-wife and does not have the ability to have a relationship. We just split up last week, and as much as I loved him, I knew he would never be able to make me happy. Happiness has to come from within yourself first.How long was he single before he started seeing you?And, as for your male friends, I have several myself and there is nothing wrong with getting the male perspective. I would take caution however, most men that would make a comment like that to you is really looking to get into your pants. Friend or not.You seem to be a very compassionate person. This man is not giving you what you need. Whether he says the words or not, doesn't mean he's on the same page as you. You are better off cutting your losses before you get into this any deeper.All people have different levels of need. On a scale of 1 to 10 I would say I'm at a 7. That's too high. I, myself, need to learn to be content with myself and not rely on a man to fill what I'm lacking. You seem to be the same. Learn how to be your own person. It doesn't sound like this man will ever give you what you really need. If you spend more time learning about yourself and what you really need to be happy, you might just find out that this man is no where near your standards. It sounds like you've settled for less. Don't sell yourself short.

I think what these guys are saying is bollax. Theres nothing wrong in expecting some emotion. Even if he doesnt love you as much as you love him he should still respond when you talk to him, to just blank you like that is disrespectful. I dont think your paranoid, I think you have the very human need to feel loved. If he doesnt trust you entirely for whatever reason he should talk to you about it as theres no other way with dealing with it. As long as he refuses to open up and actualy talk to you only he is at fault as how are you to know whats the problem if he doesnt talk to you and let you know his genuine feelings and thoughts. I dont think you two can work unless he opens up. He is acting very selfishly.

You are soooooo right. When I read her thread, I knew exactly what she was trying to say. My now ex, would never talk to me. I would try over and over to try to reach him. He just wasn't available. I'm not saying he didn't care a great deal for me, I'm just saying he was not capable of having a real relationship. If a partner cannot express themselves to you, they don't want you close.

In reply to: Realise that marriage is effectively the "ultimate gesture of love". Can you see yourself marrying this guy and spending the rest of your life with him? No? Then I doubt it's love. Don't lie to him. Rubbish. Love is an emotion, marriage is a human construct. They are not inseperately linked in anyway. Whats more I believe its possible to love someone without being able to see yourself with them your whole lives, emotions work in so many varied and individual ways. I think she generally does feel that she loves him, if she feels it then its true. Thats what a love is, a feeling.

There's no doubt she loves him. It's questionable whether or not he loves her the way she needs to be loved.

In reply to: You are soooooo right. When I read her thread, I knew exactly what she was trying to say. My now ex, would never talk to me. I would try over and over to try to reach him. He just wasn't available. I'm not saying he didn't care a great deal for me, I'm just saying he was not capable of having a real relationship. If a partner cannot express themselves to you, they don't want you close. I was in a similar situation. The problem was I loved my other half loads and i couldnt give her up despite my doubts about her feelings for me. To this day I'm not sure about her feelings for me, despite the fact she evidently thinks about me still, as she still contacts me now and then. She still doesnt truly open up. The only answer I have for that is that she is either hiding something (that she never loved me for example), or opening up makes her feel uncomfortable.

She probably does love you, but only to a level she is capable of. That was the problem with my ex. "EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE". He enjoyed my company. We moved in together. I really think he made a true effort at it. But he had been drawing away for a couple of months. I saw it coming. I told him if he wanted to go he could go. That I wouldn't stop him. I must have told him that a half dozen times. He finally left. I really think it was because he knew he would only hurt me if he stayed longer. I have to appreciate the fact that he cared enough not to hurt me anymore than he already had.

Well i'm glad it ended civilly. Maybe he was always unsure as to his emotions, perhaps he hadnt had much experience of expressing emotion.

If he did, he forgot how to. Anyway, the further I pull away from this, the more I see. When people fall in love, they cover up all the flaws and make excuses for the shortcomings in a relationship. This is what I believe Beautiful Freak might be doing.In the long run it would be better if she recognized this now, rather that later when it will hurt more.

It's fine that you slam my opinions. No-one listens to me anyway. But I'm right and I know I am.Anyways, I'm not saying love = marriage. I'm just using it as an example. Think about it for a while wont you?What defines love? What distinguishes it between lust? Or simply just "like".The lines between them have become more undefined as time has moved on. Nowadays it seems perfectly normal to sleep around with plenty of different people. I don't believe in that - but I hold the idea of love with a more traditional view.You can be in a relationship years, and years, and decades and decades and whilst what you may have seems like it could be love - it may not be. It's NOT defined by the time that you are together, neither the things you do with one another.Many girls I know (immature ones at that) say they love guys they've been with for a couple of days.A couple of days later they're bragging about their new boyfriend. Just cos they say they're in love - it doesn't mean it's true.The problem is that the word has lost meaning. It's been dramatically overused in this day and age.I've had girls say they "love" me. Yet they were fine to go and sleep with other guys behind my back. Some funny love there.I wish everyone would stop being so literal and open their minds a bit before jumping up and down on someone elses corpse.And yes, I have become bitter and twisted about relationships - but that's only because they're rubbish!(and if you flame me for that sentence, you need to look up the word "irony")

First of all thanks for seeing it how i see it. I actually started thinking for a moment that maybe i was the only one in the wrong, not saying none of it was my fault but, its not interally. And I don't have any real problems with the relationship besides the fact that he won't talk to me. And your right, you don't know whats wrong unless they talk to you about it. How are you supposed to fix it if you don't know?"I wish everyone would stop being so literal and open their minds a bit before jumping up and down on someone elses corpse." By golly, your right. Now listen to what you said.And as for love, I know what love is. I haven't been with this guy for years like some people have been with those they love but its not a few days either, more like 7 months. I'm not immature in that aspect. And about those guys and i asked if it was wrong to want to do that. I never said I was going to. I would never cheat on him and frankly I know that they aren't worth me messing up what i do have with my boyfriend. But do not tell me that you never have thoughts. Its the same as a guy checking out a girl or vise versa while you are dating someone else. Its going to happen because its being human but it doesn't mean anything. But i do understand that there is a great possibilty they weren't joking. Hell, im in the military and thats one things they don't get enough of, girls. So honestly, it wouldn't suprise me.As for love, this maybe a childish example and not fully symbolized but is what love is to me.Love is special and it is many things and shouldn't be single down to words. Words are great but they can be for the insecure. If I wasn't insecure with myself I wouldn't have been worried about it. I would have realized that love is what you feel for your family and your close friends or even a certain person, its not 3 little words. Love is caring. Love is knowing if hey died tommorow you would cry at their funeral and would never forget them. Love is giving them a little piece of your heart so that when they feel down they can look into it and smile. Love is being their for a person, caring enough to worry about them, holding them when they are scared or sad, and wiping tears from their eyes and letting them know you are there. Love is getting them a glass of water when there mouth is dry. Love is feeding an old woman jello when she can't do it herself and then changing her bedpan. Love is when you would be willing to do anything for a person, and even die for them if you had to. Love is wanting another person to be happy, even if its not with you. Love is trusting a person enough to let them go and know they will come back. Love is tucking a person or child into bed and telling them a bedtime story even if they are all grown up. Love is finding a pebble on the side of the walkway and picking it up because you think it looks like a little heart and reminded you of them. Love is missing a person and looking at the stars knowing that somewhere under those same stars they are there to and it makes you feel closer. Love is loving them, even when they've hurt you. Love is raising a child and even when they are old they are still your little bundle of joy. Love is taking care of a person when they are sick and bringing them soup, even if they are contagious. Love is letting someone you care about walk on the sidewalk farther from traffic so a car will hit you first, its giving them your helmet so atleast you know they will be safe, its giving them your last curly fry. Love is inspiring a person to dream and then allowing a person to do what they dream, even if their dream doesn't include you. Love is telling them they can do anything (even be a superhero). Love is not being selfish, but thinking about their best interest instead. Love is not being happy, but being willing to work it out. Its anything you do because you care about someone, even if its not in your best interest. I apologize that I posted this, it seems I had my own answers, I guess I just wanted a second opinion. I am not going to give it up just yet though. He leaves in Feb for Iraq and when he comes back if things have changed then we will go from there. It will give me time to be alone and myself. And learn to do things without him. And maybe being away from each other will do us good.As for the bitter people that replied, I think one day you will fall in love again and you won't think it is rubbish. Everyone I've always know, even me, thought love was rubbish once crushed by it, but when you fall in love again, it will soothe those hurts.

As young as you are, you are an extraordinary person. You seem to be very intelligent and insightful. Don't ever give up on yourself. That's what I did. I gave all of me to him, and he still left. I have never tried so hard in a relationship as I did with him. I totally convinced myself that if I catored to all of his needs, how would he ever want to leave? He still did.I started seeing a shrink after this one. One thing I haven't done for the last 18 years is live for me. It's always been about other men and of course, my children. That's without saying. I would hate to see anyone fall into the same pattern as I did. And face it, I've wasted way too many years. Well, never again.You have a good head on your shoulders. When he leaves for Iraq, don't be surprised that the whirlwind romance your in now dies as fast as it came on. I could be wrong. I hope for your sake, I am. But don't ever forget that you deserve the best and REQUIRE it.