Advice needed

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I had the strangest reaction to a website ever when I came across this one yesterday. I'm not sure how I ended up here now, probably looking for porn or something I imagine, anyhow I found it, read a few threads then went into the archive and found a thread about cutting - which my brother has done on quite occasions. I never really understood it so I read what people have posted and came across someone giving advice on scratching with fingernails instead of using blades and it started to become apparent that scratching is a fairly well known alternative to cutting.I constantly dig at my ankles, usually until I bleed. I have excema, because of the scratching. Before I had excema, as far back as i remember I used to either kick my ancles, scratch them with the side of my shoe or just scratch there. Over the last few years it has been a constant 8 inch patch on both ankle. Excema ok. But as I was reading these forums, something quite emotional started to click into place. I walked away from the computer almost as if something had happened to me. I'm not a hypocondriac and I don't look for things wrong with me or look for fantasical and satisfying answers to minor ailments but comparisons kept jumping out at me. For years now I have wondered why I scratch. I have caught myself doing it and tried to figure out what started the session. Usually it is when I feel uncomfortable, when i lie, when I feel defensive or when i pretend to be enjoying myself with my partner but am bored. Occasionally it's obviously because my leg itches like mad.Last night in bed, the comments on this board kept me awake. Making me realise that there is something else. Maybe something I'm supressing, something that needs to be recognised but is guarded so well that subliminally it makes me scratch to take my mind away from it. Maybe it's better left that way. I doubt there is anything incredibly traumatic inside me that I don't already know about. Maybe looking for it will open a can of worms that are better left tightly packed in the tin and controlled. But today, I have not been able to get it out of my head and here I am posting.Things I could possibly be suppressing. I do not think I was sexually abused, there are two uncomfortable memories that really didn't go anywhere - at least I believe so. There are a few flickers of something more beginning to attach themselves to that memory but I don't know how much is embroidering the facts. I grew up with a lot of deaths, one a year every year of my life and close people, not distant aunts. I'm pretty ok with that all things considered. But the more I write the more convinced there is something else. I'm sort of warning myself not to fix something that isn't broken but now it's somewhere out there. My point of writing this, aside from getting it off my chest and hoping it doesn't sound like personal indugence, is to ask for advice. Is it better to look for the answers or let sleeping dogs lie?

Hey. I read through your whole post, and although I don't know the answer, I can say I would probably try to make a concious attempt to not scratch myself, now that you realise you are doing it>
I don't think I personally would look for the reasons why I am doing it... but if you really feel that there is something deeper, and you are ready to confront it, maybe you could mention it to your partner or head over to the doctors..?

I have excema, because of the scratching.> Occasionally it's obviously because my leg itches like mad.This sounds like a chicken-and-egg question. Eczema often causes intense itching. If you're prone to it, scraping the skin can cause a hives-like reaction, which might trigger eczema, but it's usually the other way around (in other words, eczema causes itching, which causes scratching). Were you diagnosed with eczema by a doctor? Sometimes it's not easy for a non-skin-specialist to make a correct diagnosis.What I'm getting at is whether your scratching is caused by eczema, or whether it's some sort of obsessive-compulsive (or impulse control) issue.

Hi secretaffair, and welcome. I think you are right to be cautious about dim memories. It's very easy to create new memories that may be quite incorrect when you are struggling to make sense of things.Childhood trauma is not the only possible reason for your scratching. Yes it's possible, but people with happy childhoods can also have internal conflicts and stresses and unhappinesses.I don't know a general answer to your final question. My instinct is to look for answers, but some experience I've seen suggests that sometimes finding reasons increases the pain and distress without getting any closer to a solution.

HI, thanks for your replies and advice. I hope you don't mind, but I now need somewhere to write this as it unfolds because memories are surfacing and I have no idea where else to post them and I do need to write them down to get them out. I hope I'm not being indulgent on your board.If so, please tell me.Since I wrote the post, it's been ticking away in the background in my mind and something has started to come to light. Firstly, when I was 7 my father died. I was ok about it, probably a bit too young to realise what it meant since it was my first death and he had been ill in hospital for so long and I had a new baby brother to contend with. When he died my mother fell apart, depression, confusion, fear. She became a real mess and neighbours and her family rallied around to help. But when they left she continually sank into episodes of anger. This resulted on probably more than one occasion (but I only remember this one) of violence. I remember arguing with her and she lost it and ended up taking out her rage on me. She threw me to the bathroom door and hit and kicked me unable to stop herself. I wasn't really hurt, more shocked and frightened. That was the furthest it got and last time it ever got that bad, maybe it helped her work it out of her system. The depression was about a year long and it really was a horrific time. I remember begging my grandfather at the door as he and my uncle left, not to leave because "When you go she hits me." They were embarrassed because I had said it in front of my mother right there but I clung to them and begged and it was obvious what I was saying was real. They looked her in the eye and she denied it but the confrontation sunk in. My grandfather sat her down and talked to her and to ease the pressure, we sometimes slept over his house. The violence ended here. But, sometimes at night she got lonely. I am frightened of actually putting this up here. But she used to say, come in bed and sleep with me.I did a few times. I remember being distinctly uncomfortable with it because she was looking for the warmth of her husband in me, just reassuring cuddles etc that were alien to me. Here's the bit that I'm aware of but try not to dig up details around. I have a memory of the feeling of sexual tension and fear. I am not sure if it was her being suggestive or revealing to me, but I am growing aware that there was an occasion where, I am stalling here because I don't actually want to write it. I'm not sure I can write it. It's cloudy but I'm sure that on this one occasion that sticks in my mind, the asked to see or looked at my penis. I remember being very uncomfortable. I don't remember if I showed it, if she looked herself because this is where I have blocked this memory. But since reading this post little fragments and images are coming back that are making me edgy. None of this has been in y mind this vividly for a very long time. I remember putting an end to me sleeping in the bed pretty soon after that and then a very strong awareness of always, for as long as I live including today, never getting changed in front of her. Being uncomfortable in shorts around her, of becoming uncomfortable when she touches me anywhere other than a hug or a kiss, which I welcome. She remarried three years later and the whole thing was over. She became a new person.That night, in bed, I have known about obviously, to that point, now I feel that the rest of it is no longer cemented away behind a wall but hidden behind a very thin skin. I am so frightened about posting this. I know I am anonymous and no one can find me and take action against her or force more information out of me, but I am terrified of being this open about it. I don't quite believe I am doing this and I'm not sure why I am doing it now or what it will achieve. I hope I am not annoying anyone here too. And now I've sat here with my mouse hovering over the submit button thinking I could just wipe this page and it's gone and not come back here. And what will it achieve posting it anyway? But I imagine putting it out there will be like a frightening freedom or a huge mistake. I've given too much away about things, about me, I can be traced, people will know etc. I'm going to post it.

talking, remembering and dealing with things is the only way, with support, we can usually get into and through things, especially bad things in our past. No matter how much you try to repress anything, it will ALWAYS come bubbling to the surface, so now you are nearly there in facing things, don't stop. Apart from posting on here, you really ought to get proper help, maybe when you see someone, print out what you have posted here and let them read it. This is a very good, anonimous way of putting things down, if you need to carry on, you do that hon, but once you have faced things, you need to work through them and out of the bad stuff, and for that you might need face to face contact with someone who can help and support. hugs

Big thanks for accepting me and giving me encouragement. I had no idea this was going to start breaking through. I didn't believe, if I'm honest, that there could be hidden memories that you are not aware of, not of this significance anyway. I always believed that people who remembered things like this out of the blue, had always known and just chose their time to let it out. Perhaps that's true, but since I started allowing my mind to probe closer around the event, it's become apparent how much influence it's had in lots of areas of my life, in attitudes, physicality, personality. Like there is the event - and from it there are little strands that side under the current out of view and latch on to certain things and alter them.

For example. I remember, in bed, cuddling, me facing away, her cuddled up to me, me wide eyed, her pretending to be asleep, her hand falling dangerously close to my penis and me lying there waiting and dreading, but more than that, totally aware of the tactics. Accidental brushes against me, getting away with it in 'sleep'-type touches and excuses. I used to push her hand away, roll over facing down. As a consequence of this, I began to shun physical affection. I've never been a tactile person and this was where it started.

As i write this, other split second images come back to me. One so alarming and a bit distant that I'm not going to force it out, it will come.

I was standing in the kitchen talking to my partner last night about something random and funny, when I realised I wasn't listening at all I was remembering something else.
My mother once said to me, years back, "I've been a terrible mother, I could have done so much better" referring to her breakdown after my father died. I said back to her, "Not really, I like who I am now and I'm happy so that makes you a good mother." She cried like I'd never seen her cry before at this, it was like pulling a plug and allowing her a huge sense of relief that took me by surprise at the time. But I realised in the kitchen last night, recalling that memory, that she had not forgotten the rest like I have, she knows the full extent of her actions, and probably relives them often with dread.

If I discover something insanely bad in these memories, I will not confront her, there's too much water under the bridge now and since she was out of her head with grief at the time, can't be held responsible. I will figure it all out and do the repairs to myself without ever bringing it up with her.

I always believed that people who remembered things like this out of the blue, had always known and just chose their time to let it out. Perhaps that's true, but since I started allowing my mind to probe closer around the event, it's become apparent how much influence it's had in lots of areas of my life, in attitudes, physicality, personality. Like there is the event - and from it there are little strands that side under the current out of view and latch on to certain things and alter them. You might not have chosen to delve into these things, but i feel its not a 'choice' as in you sit and think, right now im going to sort through this stuff. Having studied and lived through different things, its almost like, not surehow to say this, but kinda like you on the inside, decide right now is the time, does that make sense? LOL not sure if it does, almost like you are at a point in life, where what has happened inthe past, either needs to be sorted, or, that you are at a point in your life, where i can be sorted, as in you have the strength to do it. >>>>>that she had not forgotten the rest like I have, she knows the full extent of her actions, and probably relives them often with dread.If I discover something insanely bad in these memories, I will not confront her, there's too much water under the bridge now and since she was out of her head with grief at the time, can't be held responsible. I will figure it all out and do the repairs to myself without ever bringing it up with her. from your post i gather that you mom might not have been 'herself' when all this happened, and she has to deal with how she was feeling, what she did and how she feels about what and how she felt at the time. You can't do this for her, as much as you might want to. If she were to ask you for help, even then i think it would be too painful, too close for you both to walk through this together, and i would think counter productive too.You have to do this, by yourself with support etc, and more importantly for yourself. And if your mother needs to sort through this she has to do is, not alone, but seperatly from you, if you know what i mean.Im sorry if all this post is a lot of rubbish,

I think you are right, it is the time when I feel strong enough to deal with it. It's been there tucked away just waiting for the time it can be examined. There is one image, a prety graphic one which keeps flashing up in my mind. When it does appear, I back away from it. I'm not sure this image in an addition I am inventing or if it's real. I'll get it out of my head into words and see how that lies with me the next few days.The memory is of my mother showing me herself and telling me to look. At the time I refused to look, I was very uncomfortable with the situation. There are other attachemnts to this memory, her asking me to interact, my refusal, her reaction - moody. Me turning over with my back to her, her pressing against me. Later, uncomfortable lying on my right side, I roll over and she's not asleep and his pushing her bum into me, wriggling a bit, making sure there is contact through my underwar against her. There might be more that happened in this bed but for now, that's all I remember.After this and up until today, I am very uncomfortable undressing in front of her. When i go to stay, if I'm in the guest room and I am changing and I hear her coming up the stairs I dress like lightening. In the summer in shorts, I am aware of her looking. It's a letcherous sort of curiosity that comes out in her. I feel like I am being scrutinised by a secret pair of eyes hidden behind a facade.She's been remarried for years now but ironically she backs away from sex with him. She has also become incredibly moral and religious, the word sex is abhorrant to her. Anything sexual she finds too confronting and unneccesary and just wrong. Probably her way of dealing with what happened.Incidently, the scratching and the excema situation while I have been writing this has spiralled to incredible levels.

**Because now, all these thought are coming to the forefront of your mind and its obviously affecting you, are you getting help, as in professional help to deal with your feelings, and to work through this?

Its fantastic that you are able to face things, that have probably had an affect on you during your life that only in hindsight you would be able to piece together, however, once the 'flood gate' is opened to our emotions and events that have happened, they often come pouring out, and i feel that to cope and to do this 'safely' for you and those around you, you need help in order to deal with things. **

Hi, thanks so much for talking me through this. I am going to do it alone, without telling my partner or seeking councelling, but I will be confiding in a very close friend and you have been a great help to me. I think I am strong enough to cope with it. Your replies and support have been invaluable and given me the support I need to figure this out. If I had posted this and noone had replied I think I would be reacting to it very differently. I've noticed that little things seem to spark off memories since I posted here. I can be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly it comes flooding into my mind. Then I scratch. Scratching I am assuming is a distraction, a sort of trick to divert my attention. As I'm writing now I feel a tingling that needs to be scratched. No additional memories seem to be surfacing - maybe everything I have written on here is the total of my experience. On the other hand perhaps my subconcious is stopping me from bringing up stronger stuff.But all of this now makes sense, it explains my non tactileness and lots of little minor parts of my personality that don't add up to much but do alter the course of things. I'm beginning to think that actually although the sexual part of my abuse - that seems too strong a word, has had effects, the effect of that is nowhere near as strong as the physical abuse and the mental abuse that went along with it. If you hit a dog until it becomes fearfully subserviant, then surely the same reaction occurs in people. Not that I am fearfully subserviant, in fact a sort of blase disregard of fear became more dominant in me. Reactions are not always of the same pattern.I am going to stay with my parents for a weekend at the end of the month. I don't blame her for it, she was having a breakdown and wasn't in a healthy place. It happened. The clock can't be turned back but i suspect I will edge my way into the topic of her breakdown if we get time alone, which I intend to engineer. Now with all this at the surface, and I am sure it has always been at the surface for her, it will be a very different conversation. I'm not sure what to expect.

First i have to say i really admire your courage, in tackling this, so many people just push things to the back of their minds, thinking it will go away, and it doesn't, and inevitably effects them, as you say, being none-tactile with people, keeping people at a distance etc.I do worry tho hon, that you are going to go through this alone, as in without professional help, but, i am really glad to hear that you will at least be sharing this with someone close who you can turn to if and when you need to.I personally have never been through something like this, but please feel free to PM me whenever you want to or need to. Sometimes it helps to talk through things with a stranger, and just sometimes replies or responces arn't needed, its merely the act of getting thoughts and feelings down that helps.I wish you all the very best in this, and hope that you can come to terms with things and move on, don't be a stranger now will you big hugs

Thanks Angelwitch, you have been a tower of strength. I don't know who you are or where you are in the world but there aren't enough people like you. I hope you're appreciated in real life.

I met my best friend for lunch yesterday and told her about my postings online and the effect it has had on me. As I started to tell her, I felt really shakey. I thought I would just say it all out loud without hesitation but my delivery was clunky and emotional. I didn't cry or anything but I felt like I might. I held it all back, I'm good at that. Anyway, after the shakes, I got it all out, but not the actual physical act, I didn't touch on that and wondered why when I left. She was great and we have many more conversations to come. I think I next need to tell her everything that did happen.

She asked if I was going to bring it up when i go home for the weekend. I will see how it goes but I will probably be edging the conversation to a place where I can test the water.

I thought I would just say it all out loud without hesitation but my delivery was clunky and emotional. I didn't cry or anything but I felt like I might. I held it all back, I'm good at that. I am so happy that you have been able to tell someone in 'real life' about this, and as you say there will be many more conversations to come, i hope. What i did want to say is that you can't and shouldn't be afraid of your emotions, they are a huge part of whats gone on, and to hold them back is in a way self destructive. Feeling what you are feeling, and allowing yourself to feel that way is an important part of the healing process. You will probably feel, scared, unsure, anger towards your mother, guilt for how you feel etc, it will all be there, and it would be perfectly natural for you to feel ALL of them, and its important that you do allow yourself to feel them, they are part of you. >>>>She asked if I was going to bring it up when i go home for the weekend. I will see how it goes but I will probably be edging the conversation to a place where I can test the water. Im still not sure confronting your mother about this, is firstly a good idea, and secondly needed at this time. Personally, and i am NO expert, i feel that you need to deal with your issues, and get through them to a better place, before you broach the subject with your mother. The act of discussing this with your mother, might bring to the surface a lot of anger and resentment, that at the moment you still have to work through, and im my mind there would be a lot of blame thrown, at your mother for everything, even tho, i know you understand and feel that she wasn't in a 'good place' at the time. I really feel that you need to have done YOU, before you do the both of you, but saying that, if you genuinely feel it will help BOTH of you to do it at this time, then you will. I would think very carefully about it tho, it could make things worse at this time.If you do go ahead and do this, i sincerely hope this works out for you, and that you don't expect too much from your mother. She will no doubt have her own issues, guilt, and may not even want it brought to the forefront, she might not, herself, but strong enough to deal with it, or be in a place at the moment that she is able to. >>>>>>Thanks Angelwitch, you have been a tower of strength. I don't know who you are or where you are in the world but there aren't enough people like you. I hope you're appreciated in real life. Please, call me angel for a start angelwitch is sooo formal LOL and i have to say thank you for your kind words, and im glad that at least, you have been able to 'talk', as for being appreciated as a friend, i would hope so

As almost every women I have been in a serious relationship with had been sexually abused or was, then, being sexually abused, three of them total, let me offer you the benefit of their experience via me.I would like to reiterate what Angel said and suggest that this might not be the best time, for you, to confront your mother about this. From what I have seen, I think you should deal with your own demons first. Resolve your experiences in your mind, have dealt with them and be in the process of moving on with your life, before any kind of confrontation takes place. The reason I say this is I was with one women, about your age, who thought she could deal with it and confronted her dad about him abusing her. Without getting into the details all I'll say is that things didn't go well, or as she had expected. Even after the initial turmoil she thought she was dealing with it just fine. Well, a week later we were riding around with a couple of friends, seemingly having a good time, and as they were driving across a bridge, out of the blue, she says "stop the car." They did, she jumps out and climbs a truss of the bridge and proceeds to have a breakdown. Sitting on top of this bridge she begins reliving everything she went through and trying to talk herself into jumping. The bridge was closed and only I was out in the middle of it trying to talk her down. After eight hours I still couldn't get her down. By then it was dark and luckily a deputy sheriff had managed to sneak his way up a truss on the opposite side of the bridge, which wasn't hard as she could neither see him in the pitch black or hear him over her screams of agony. He managed to grab her and they did get her down.The only reason I tell you this story, given that I don't even like to remember it, is as a caution. She thought that she had been handling it fine and was ready for confrontation, she obviously wasn't. Confrontation is a big step where you lose control of the situation and the dialogue. You need to be sure your at a place that you can handle the unforeseen things that the situation and the dialogue will produce. So that no matter what happens what comes up, you have already resolved it in your mind and can still move forward with your life.I am no doctor, I was never sexually or otherwise abused, all I am doing is relating an experience to you in hopes you can find something worth while in it that may help you avoid such a situation. I am very glad you have found a real person to talk to about this but, like Angel, I would strongly suggest professional counseling not in lieu of, but rather, in addition to your friend. Speaking form the friends point of view, this is a great weight to shoulder alone, not just for you but for the her as well. At least with an outside third party the weight will be less for the both of you. Had my girlfriend jumped it would have been me alone who failed her, as she didn't have or want any professional help. At least if she had a councilor he could have shared the blame with me if she did jump. It was just dumb luck that the deputy got to her first.If this has seemed overly vague, I apologize, but as this was and is her life I don't feel I should be discussing it without her, especially not on a public board where it will remain for time in-memorial.I don't know that I could offer anything more than I have here but if you wish feel free to PM me. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you. Take care and don't be a stranger to the boards.

Thanks both for your advice. Which I have decided to take. I will not confront her or tease conversation in that direction. This line from Oldfolks: Confrontation is a big step where you lose control of the situation and the dialogue. pretty much made me see it clearly and made me see what could happen. As I said when I met my friend and started to tell her, expecting to be able to speak coherantly as we are totally open and have nothing to hide from each other, but the emotion slammed in and I was hesitant and jittery and basically, I did lose control of the dialogue to a degree. I think it was the shock of actually looking in someone's eyes and telling them about it, and having reaction to it, reaction is too strong a word, just aknowledgement of it was enough to change my breathing pattern dramatically. So if I did bring this up with my mother, you are right, the reaction might be a mess, on my part too. I need to be in a fully confident place where I have already moved on and the reaction to it is not going to be devastating. I will not ocnfront her anyway. I will offer her the chance, in a round-about way to aknowledge it eventually and if she chooses not to, then I am ok with that. She is much older now, she might not be able to cope with it, whereas I will.One question I would like to ask is. Has anyone contronted the person who abused them and come out the other side of it with issues resolved? Did it actually change anything. I suppose the burden of the secret or looking into the other persons eyes and knowing you both share an unspeakable secret has been lifted, but does that open a whole new avenue of tention?

If you have any interest in this sort of thing, here is a group, I ran across, that has e-meetings and could certainly offer more help than I. They appear to deal with all kinds of abuse. Have a look and see what you think. Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse Stay in touch, Bud.

**I have to say hon im very relieved you decided against confronting your mother, its something that you may have to/need to in the future, but you need to travel your own path first :smile: **