oh jeez you guys need to lighten up... if i had of said that to any person in narre, they would cack themselves!
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Joke Thread
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Unanswered Questions1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE2. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the"Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ! are known as the "Bucs,"what does that make the Tennessee Titans?3. If 4 out of 5 people Suffer from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?4. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of he Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.5. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?11 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musiciansdenoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeonsdebarked, and dry cleaners depressed?12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if itdidn't zig zag?21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?22.! Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?That reminds me of something i've always pondered: mouse --> mice...so how come house is not hice?andgoose --> geese...so how come moose is not meese?HUH? WHY NOT!!???????
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An american is in London, hitting hte bars and pubs and having a great time. Hes trying to take in as much as he can and stay drunk so hes busy as hell runnign around and as he stumbles down a residential road into a street with nice homes and tended gardens he realizes hes got one mother of a piss he needs to let loose. Desperate he sees a side road that looks deserted and heads into the alley. Just as he puls out his dick and gets ready to hose the bricks a cop starts blowing his whistle and yellig at the poor bastard about not doing that here.The guy explains that hes desperate and how he go thta way and hes really got to piss, no way to hold it back much longer.The cop says aye well our countrys are allies and you havent done anything yet, follow me.He leads him off and down a few roads all the while the guy thinking his bladder will explode.Finally he coes to a lovely building with very well tended gardens and grass and flowers and trees and statues in the yard. The cop says right, piss here, any place ya like.They guy thankfull for the final relief starts pissing and just keeps pissing. It flows and flows in a turrent till finally he fells empty, gives it a shake and walks back to the gate to find the police man still waiting. Oh god thanks man you saved my life! I guess this is what you call foriegn relatios and hospitality huh?THe cop says ohh no, this would be the french embassy.
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This seemed as good as any other appropriate thread to stick it in so here it is.We have many discussions on various threads about teen type and text talk and all that other bullshit so when I came across this it seemed to require me posting it here for all of you. I was going to search out one fo the threads were we discussed this but then I figured fuck it, no use bringing a dead thread from long ago, better to bring this one back instead.Dear Santa,I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.YeR FReND,BiLLy ---- Dear Billy,Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!Santa
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I had not intended to contiue this threads life,but, when I found this one I thought of Mr U and decided I had to post this......One day an Englishman, an American, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Giuness Stout. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed, one in each of their pints.The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed Womanasked If she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wishgenies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.See t his map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other andwant all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.It will bring about world peace and harmony."The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm outof shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but notTHAT good!I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able tofind the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and getsalong with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map again."
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In reply to:
"i wish my grass was emo... then it would cut itself"
lmao! now that was funny.... and I say that as a former cutter! BUT NOT AN EMO!
Bandwidth - the distance between the conductor and the horn section (ok, ok... there aren't too many jokes in the communications industry!)
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I posted this one in another thread so I thought I'd post it here too ^_^4 RELIGIOUS TRUTHS1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
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Three prostitutes are standing on a corner.The first one: Sniffs the air and says, “I smell dick!”The second one: Sniffs and says, “I smell it too!”The third one says, “Excuse me. I burped.”Sorry if I told you guys this one before. It’s one of my favorites.
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Three women come home from thier dates. They all live in an apartment building and are talkig in the elevator on the way to thier floors.The first one says "you know it was a good date when you come hme with your hair messed up" The other two notice every single hair on her head is out of place and giggle.the second one says " you know it was good dae when you get home and your make up is smeared"The other two look at her ad see that her lipstick is spread from ear to ear.The first two look at the third and ask what her how her date was. she reaches under her skirt, rips her panties off and throws them at the elevator wall where they stick.She says "Now thats a good fucking date" DIRTY JOHNNYA Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Stevie raised his hand and said, "He’s in heaven." Mary answeres, "He’s in my heart." Dirty Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He’s in our Bathroom!" The teacher was stupified. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Dirty Johnny how he came to think Jesus was in his bathroom. dirty Johnny says "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"Dirty Johnny was out with his grandmother for a walk and they come across a couple of dogs humping on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, grandma?" asks Johnny. The grandmother thinking quikly replies "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They’re just like people"says dirty Johnny."How do you mean?" asks grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand and they fuck you everytime!" A guy walks out of his house and over the fence he sees dirrty Johnny filling in a fairly good sized hole. Knowing it cant be good because it is after Dirty Johnny, he says "Hey johnny, whatcha doing over there" "well my goldfish died so Im giving him a funeral"Thinking about how large the hole is the man asks" Isnt that big hole for a tiny goldfish?""well" says johnny."I needed a big hole because he's in your fucking cats stomache"
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......ewww I liked that one hehe
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I know thousands of great jokes I just am too lazy to type them all out so I do it in spurts here an there
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ok i have a joke...its not meant to offend anyone k lols.... One night in their room a wife standing naked in front of the mirror says to her husband "i look fat and ugly...pay me a compliment!" "ok," said husband,"your eye sights f*kn spot on!"
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oops...i also love little johnny jokes so heres sum..... + Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" +One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" Again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!" Hope You enjoy...
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LMAO!
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That was great!
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A man and his wife go back to thier honeymoon spot from 50 years before for the anniversary. They stay in the same room at the hotel and plan to attend the same eatery as before. The woman excuses her self before they are to head to dinner to freshen up. While in the bathroom fshe fthinks "well 50 years ago we were yound and spry and didnt get out of this room alot, he was so handsome! " She decides that she wants to capture that youthful memory and relive the entire affair. She strips naked and opens the door to suprise her husband, emerges from teh bathroom running toward him and yells "SUPER PUSSY"She stands there before him, wrinkled and bent. He looks at her and says "I'll have the soup"
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Blonde Joke (I know them all, this is my favorite)A blonde sits down on a plane. A lawyer sits down next to her. As the plane takes off the the lawyer says "This is going to be a long flight, let's make it interesting. Let's ask each other questions and if you get it right I will give you five dollars and if you get it wrong you give me five dollars and vice versa."The blonde replies, "Well, I don't know"The lawyer says, "Ok, I will give you twenty and you give me five"The blonde agrees and the lawyer asks the first question, "How far is the earth away from the sun?" The blonde says nothing, she just reaches in her purse and hands him 5 dollars.The blonde says, "Ok now my turn, What has 8 legs, 12 eyes, and is bigger than an elephant?"The lawyer replies, "I don't know" and he hands her 20 dollars. He then asks, "What is it?"The blonde says nothing, she just reaches in her purse and hands him 5 dollars.Dirty JokeA rooster and a cat are walking by a pool. The cat falls in and the rooster laughs. Why does the rooster laugh?Because a wet pussy makes a happy cock.
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My favorite blonde joke (And I am a Blonde)What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair? Artificial Intelligence.
