For quit a while now I have felt really out of place in my daily life. My job is at a stand still and there is no way to move up the chain of command any further unless the office manager quits... plus the job period has gotten very mundane for me.It's not just my job that is lacking, but also almost everything in general. When I go out with friends, I just don't seem to fit in anymore. I used to be that really out going friend people have, but now I am more like a fly that sits and watches everything happen. There's just something missing now. Deep down I know my life is feeling a lack of worth. I know it might sound very cliché but I feel like I am walking and my life is just flying by.Most of my life I let my family rule how my life should be ran and planned out. They have put a lot of pressure on me to go to college and get a successful career and be the best at everything, simply because I was the one child that did very well in school and everything (school wise) came very easily to me. I have changed my degree more time than I even like to admit because either they (my family) disagreed with the degree or I changed my mind because I found something else that would strike my interest (And trust me I got lashings from my family every time). I just have too many passions in life, something my family just doesn't seem to understand. Yet I understand their frustration because I am not getting any younger.Part of me truly just wants to pack up and move and start somewhere fresh and away from my family and their pressures so I can make my own life and decisions. I just wish it were that easy. But I own a house, have certain bills that need paid, and most importantly I have Adam. Honestly if it wasn't for Adam I think I would have moved a few months ago because my ex of 6 years offered me to move with him to Rochester, NY so I can start over and he's help support me as I went to school because he knows how unhappy I am here and he wants to see me make something of my life without the pressures of other people guiding me.Adam knows I am pretty much unhappy here, yet at the same time I know he wouldn't be willing to move from here. I couldn't ask him to move either. He's finishing his BA, he has a strong tie to his family, and truthfully I think he's happy here in Ohio. Sometimes I wonder if it's even right that he and I are together simply because I wonder how long I am going to be here, and yet I am too attached to leave him.I am just stuck here… I am so very unhappy here. There are times, like last night, I just lay in bed going over everything that just seems so wrong and how I feel so closed-in in my life. I start to think of my life elsewhere where I can simply be me and discover my one real passion, and it makes me so happy and makes me feel really free inside but the moment I realize the impossibilities of it I feel very closed inside again.I know there is probably no real answer to my situation. I am just at loss what I am supposed to do or what I should do. Should I start fresh somewhere away from the influence of my family, which means most likely leave Adam behind or stay here and work out the issues with my family, which to be honest seems, and always had been a lost cause??Thanks to those who took the time to read this long post.
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Thinking of a fresh start..
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Ohh Eddie.. I know we already talked about this a little, and I still haven't got any better advice for you other than whatever you do, we will be here for you. I think your mother needs you at the moment with her current problems.. although I know it won't be a 'spur of the moment' decision if you do decide to leave Ohio. How is she feeling now?
Have you tried looking for a new job? Does Adam realise how closed in you feel with all of this going on? You need to figure in your head which problem is the most important to deal with first. -
fresh starts can be very good, ive been there done that and its a good way to start over but you need to ask yourself where the problem lies - as sometimes its not good to run away from the problem because it will lurk and you'll have to deal with it again.i dont know what your family situation is but is there no way you can talk to them about your worries?im not saying its a bad idea to move away-trust me, i completely understand that feeling! it just seems your stuck in a rut - does your b/f know that your unhappy? it doesnt hurt to talk..
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the cost is all relavant.Got a buddy who moved here from san diego almost a year ago. When he got here he was excited because he sold his house there for almost 500k and that was about 200k in profit, after what he had paid off since he bought his house it put just a tad over 300k in his bank account. when he got here he bought a new house, nearly 2 times the size of his old one for 200k, only financed 150k sice he was earning more from his CD's and interest then his loans insterest was.Now hes pissed and bitching because Utah taxes kick his ass.Not the income tax, the fucking tax on food is whats got him pissy. no more 20 minute drives to mexico for jewelry and drugs and taxed food is bullshit. property tax is higher here too as is luxery tax on all his shit.Works for the Feds so his wages went down as your wages are paid at a base rate plus a area cost and when they moved him here, they cut his wages to base and 10% instead of base and 28% that he made there. Hes worse off now then he was and would be even more pissy if it wasnt for the cashe he made when he sold the other house. He can retire at 55 years old though in july and hes heading any place else when that happens. anyplace with lower cost of living and no state tax. Of course he has to stay here another year to realize a profit or even break even on his house.Fresh starts are not always the greatest thing and there is alot to be considered when making a move.You find me spomeplace in san diego to pay me what I get here for what I do and Ill be there on the beach with ya and pissing off the dek of your boat onto jet skiers holding a drink in one hand and the rail of the boat to keep me from falling in while I laugh at those ignorant jet skiing, piss covered bastards.
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Yes my mother does need me right now, and trust me if I do decide to move or whatever it won't be until that is taken care of. I couldn't imagine leaving her before than.
This is I have looked for a new job, but the problem is I make really good money here and I need atleast what I am getting now inorder to pay bills, and esp pay my mortgage payment. When I bought my house I loved my job, so never thought of that as an issue.
I have mentioned to Adam about feeling so closed in, but sometimes I wonder if he truely understand the seriousness of it.
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but you need to ask yourself where the problem lies - as sometimes its not good to run away from the problem because it will lurk and you'll have to deal with it again.Yeah I have thought about that as well. Like what if I sell my house, move and I am still not happy? Only way I can describe how I feel is that I feel locked in a closet somewhere, and I have the key inside in the closet with me but I just cannot reach it. Not sure if that makes sense but that's the best I can describe it>does your b/f know that your unhappy? it doesnt hurt to talk.. Yeah I have talked ot Adam about it, but like I said to Amz I sometimes wonder if he understands the seriousness of it. He has encouraged me to look for a new job, but as I explained to him that it's not that easy because of the money I make here and there is no way he's be able to make up the difference because I do make quite a bit more than he does.
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I got one of your buddies from your neck of the woods living near me.He moved here form the quad citys area near the JMCS base.Brian likes it better here. Of course he moved in the governments chain and he makes more here then he did here, and i just lectured Helms about cost of living.I dunno, Utah is good for some shit but it sucks so bad for others. Of course if ya settle on utah ya have to remember that while you may find what ya like here, being gay in a state of redneck assholes cant be easy, I have known a few gay guys here, they take a lot of shit ( no pun intended ).Course if ya do come here, I can show ya the good places to hang out, you need help finding them, they are few and far between.
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Eddie, you have described my situation and feelings exactly.
I have no answers though........ -
Eddie, come put in an application where I work. :smile: There are alot of opportunities here and we get paid time off. I get 23 days paid I think.
Anyway, I hate when I start feeling like this. I just have a question, do you really think you could leave Adam behind? I mean, (no offense) because of you he had to come out to his parents and he moved into your home. What will he do without you? Maybe a vacation would do you some good, if that is possible. And I don't really think moving elsewhere will solve your problems. I think, whoever said you have to figure out what the problem is exactly (I think it was Amz) had it right.
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Honey you need to take things into hand and be pro-active about the things that make you unhappy.You need to be straight up with your family, tell it like it is, and then step back and be prepared to accept that they thing differently to you, and won't always agree - you won't change their minds about everything so don't bother wasting time trying...........say your piece, so you all know the score, and then agree to disagree.As for your job, look for something else, maybe something totally different. Look for volunteer work around your area, if you can't find a different job, then maybe spend some time doing something totally different, or do a night school course. Learn something new.It must be very hard on adam, knowing that you are so unhappy, and maybe wondering sometimes whether you are going to leave. I know i would be thinking about it, if i were him.The realities are you love adam, you own your house, so personally i would stay where i was, but change all the other things around me as much as i could, like the job, learning something new, volunteerings etc. All that will enhance your life on a weekly basis, and give you that lift, that you need to feel good about your life again. hugs
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Good Post Angel.......That even helped me!
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YAY i did good happy dance
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Well I honest don't think I could leave Adam behind, as I said before he's the only reason I think I stay here.
Adam and I had a pretty bug talk last night and he seemed to have some concerns. Really the biggest disagreement we have is the fact I want children in the next couple years and he doesn't want children for another 5-10 years... which I flat out told him is not acceptable to me and I don't want to start a family that late in life. He kept trying to make it sound like children take so much away from you life, and I was trying to get him to understand they might take a few things away like some privacy but they add so much more. Anyways that was the main disagreement we have.
As for me moving, I really don't know. A large part of me really just wants to leave here. Would it solve all my problems? No, and I know that. But I do think it might help me solve them by having distance between the problems and me.
Anyways it's a lot for me to think about, and discuss with Adam as well.
Oh and as for the job idea Lisa... that would be a hell of a commute, that's at least an hour to hour and a half drive one way LoL. And a vacation isn't possible for a few more months until I get my next two weeks of vacation.
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I spent ten years at a job with over an hour commute each way. The pay was good, not alot of 18 year old kids start a job making 40k a year so I stayed. Of course there were many people in the area that worked there so I had options like a car pool instead of always driving so that made things better.
Kids do take ALOT away from your life.
Time, money, privacy.
My kids are older so it wasnt such a big deal for me the last few years. I could go out when I wanted to and they were either fine alone or my parents would watch them since thye were older and not really a problem to take care of. The last two and a half years has been different. I met a girl who had a 6 month old kid and before very long he was my kid. After a bit over a year she moved in with me and the kid has called me dad since he started talking. He never has seen his real dad ( I use that term loosley as the sperm donor isnt his real dad, a real dad takes care of his kids instead of running off when he finds out the mother is pregnant) and Im the only father (and his REAL DAD) hes ever known. We dont get out much anymore as hes a real hand full. I lost all my extra time, my climbing has been cut to nearly nothing most months, rare times to go out alone with jsut us two and he is always in the way with books to read and toys that need to be fixed so even at home we cant get any time alone. Throw in all the basketball games and practices with my older son and my time alone with her is nearly nothing aside form when we climb into bed at night.
alot of my cash flow is gone as there is stuff he needs like new beds when he outgrew his crib, new clothes as he outgrows his every month and he eats like a horse. add in the older one who eats three times as much as the younger one (I swear both are considerable amounts) and food is not exactly cheap, plus basketball shoes every month as the old ones get trashed. The other son doesnt live iwht me and I pay a lawyer extreme amounts of cash trying ot change that. besides him not living wiht me hes diabetic and that shit adds up, plus the extra and different foods when hes here every other weekend, vacations schedules revolve around his diabetic schedule and traveling is a bastard. Add all of them to my health insurance and and my premiums go up as well as my deductables. It costs me a assload of cash to keep them all and cuts all of my 'normal life' to shreds and doesnt lead alot of time for me let alone me and my fiance.
Now I wouldnt trade any of it for anything, I love them all and Im happy to have them. I just wanted to point out there is alot of negatives to having kids, not to mention the heartaches they bring with various circumstances that make you feel like shit for them, and that I thought Id die when si saw the diabetic laying in his hospital bed when he was diagnosed or the two surgerys he had, one at 3 months old befor diabeties became a factor and he had that IV stuck in his head and tape and tubes every place and the one last summer when he was found to have cancer and ended up in the Huntsman center for cancer to have his thyroid removed. I thought Id fucking die when they took that drain out of his throat 4 days after surgery and i saw the size of it and watched his face in pain as it came out and listened to him scream and sink his nails into my arm while they drew it out.
every thing that affects your kids affects you in exactly the same way. I feel every thost he takes and every stick of the lancet to check his glucose levels, every bump and bruise of hte little one and every heartbreak over a loss at a game of the other one.
Kids wrench your soul, someties its with a smile or pulling a face or the first time they eat something cold like ice cream.
For me the good times far outwieght the bad, bud there are bad times iwth kids and they seem to be plentiful in number.
When you think you want kids think about all the bad that comes too not just the good. In yur case eddie think about the fact that your a gay man and wants to raise children, the kids are going to take alot of shit in anarrow minded redneck world.
My fiances uncle is going thru the smae shit, he decided hes not gay anymore and needs a woman and marriage and kids, I cnat imagine it will work out for him. If your gay your gay and there is no 'cure'. You are not trying ot pull off what he is, just the haivng kids part. Kids are a hell of a responsibility and a real drag on your heart strings, every failure is yours to share and every success is better then any of your own.
Theres good with the bad but there is bad and your adding a extra factor being a gay man.
Im not saying dont, Im just trying to give you some facts to think over before you decide that you are. Being a parent when your straight is hard, I cant imagine being one when your gay and adding the extra strain of that to your child. Think about how cruel kids are and the amount of abuse that kid would take.
Someone has to be ther to help him and explain the ignorant self rightous bastards that will constantly put him down because of his father. Roc Im sure can relate some storys to you about that.
Like i siad I wouldnt discourage you to try and change your opinion about having kids, just give you extra information you may of not thought about when you decided you want them.
Good luck -
I understand there is negatives to have children, I am not naive. But i know kids bring a hell of a lot more positive than they take away negatively.There is one thing I have never compromised on and never will, and that's having a family. PS. Also just because I am gay doesn't mean I cannot raise a "normal" family. All it takes is love, and I have enough of that to give. I am not going to let other peopels ignorance stop me from having children. There are many stories you can read of chidlren who were raised by a gay couple and how wonderful they turned out. Not saying there perhaps won't rude children out there that won't pick on them, but hopefully my children will be there to fight back and give a stand.And I have done A LOT of thinking and researching so I know what I am getting into when it comes to raising a family.
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wow after reading that i wouldn't have kids!!! There may be negative things about having kids but they outweigh by far all the postive things, and even having 3 kids, one who can't see i still think kids are a HUGE POSITIVE I agree Eddie, don't ever compromise on having a family.
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Exactly Angel! I am pretty firm on having children. That's actually the reason my ex (of 6 years) and I broke up because he decided he no longer wanted to have children, and I couldn't imagine not having them. Sure I could of had a set life! He loved me full heartily, my family loved him and financially we'd be set! But having children is more important that all that.
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I never siad you not capable of raising a normal family.
What I said is the ignorance and redneck bullshit factor is there, ther are people who will abuse, taunt, tease and otherwise put shit off on your kids because of you.
your adding a extra factor to an already hard experience.
I agree the posatives are better then the negatives, but the negatives are there an not everyone think it thru when they decide to have kids.
Maybe you did and maybe you didnt, I dont know that for sure, I was simply putting out some extra information for you to consider.
aside form that, I try to write things directed more towards future viewers that wil find this and have somthing similiar that maybe what I siad helped them to make a decision.
Not everyone thinks about the bad shit that happens and only thinks about the fun and having a baby that loves them with out thinking about hte responsibility that goes with having them.
You probaly did, youv shown yourself to be intelligent in the past and I dont doubt you considered it, but I dont know that for fact, and I dont know what others that stumble across this post have thought.
Maybe what i siad keeps someone in a similiar situation from having kids down the road that isnt capable of dealing with it and saves a child from having to live thru some teen age girls decision to get pregnant so that she cna have a living doll.I dont dount that your capable of rasiing a child eddie, I simply wanted to make certain you understand the bad shit that goes into. Its not all good, some fo it really sucks, like sharing the failures and the injurys. For me its worht every bit of it to have the good times and the triumphs but thats not alway the case for everyone.
If you understand what your getting into and feel like your strong enough to weather the storms that will come then I dont think that you being gay should be abarrier to having kids. you dont need my permission, but you have it so long as you thought about all the shit that goes along iwht having a child. -
I agree angel, 100%. but there are alot of cases of people who didnt think it thru and now innocent children suffer becaue ther parents are idiots or they didnt think it thru or they didnt think that they could have a retarded child or a blind child or one iwht some disfigurment and because of that SOME people toss them aside.Anyone who thinks it thru and realizes the risks and the bad times that come as well as teh good and still decides to have children can do so. My kids are a very positive force in my life, but they dont affect all people the same and some people dont have the capacity to love no matte what happens with the kids.Gotta make a run to the big big city :P we can continue this converation when I return tonight Im sure there is alot more to be said and as peopel see this iM sure Ill be attacked and have things to defend myself on. Reread what I wrote, I didnt discourage eddie, I only said he needs to think it thru and think of all of it before he does anythign about actually having them. If he has thought it thru and still wants them, he should have them. I simpy thin that people planning on having htem should think it all thru before they take any steps to have them.
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I agree with you Eddie on the kids part, but I think you and Adam both have to agree when the right time would be to start a family. Or at least make sure that Adam is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. From this post, it seems you two kind of have different goals.I just want to be clear, I think if you want kids, that is great and you should have them.