Hi, my name is Jordan. I’m 16 and I’m a junior in high school. Currently, I cannot stand my life and it is really hard to write and it WILL be long, so bare with me, this came out as 8 pages on Microsoft word writing this. I’m going to not only explain my problem, but first walk you through my life. Who I am, my personality, my tendencies. Anything, just so I can try to pin point what’s wrong with me. I live in eastern Pennsylvania about an hour away from Philadelphia. There is nothing to do in this town. It’s not like it’s a farm land or anything, but that’s what we’re surrounded by of course. I live in the suburbs of reading, pa. Possibly, the crappiest city you will ever see. It has been atop the list of highest murder rate in the country, and is just an overall crappy city. Although, I live in the suburbs. Where there is really nothing to do. it’s just your average suburbs. We have a mall, an arcade, and clubs like your average city. I live with my dad, my brother and my dad’s fiancé. Why do I live with my dad’s fiancé? Because my mother passed away when I was 9 years old. Sure, it’s hard to deal with, because I spent so much time with her. I still get sad about it, but at this point I’ve had closure and I know it’s in the past. My dad’s fiancé is named Nadine. My dad and Nadine met through a former employer/friend of my mother’s, named Sue. So I’ve known Nadine family for almost all of my life. Not much new to adjust to, except Nadine. Nadine lived in Europe with her current ex-husband for as long as my family knew Sue. Nadine broke up with him and moved back her to America with sue about 6 months after my mother passed away. Long story short, Nadine and my dad got together, they are both happy and I like Nadine. I’m glad I didn’t have to adjust much like so many of my other friends whose parents got divorce or lost a parent. She’s a nice person and I don’t have problem with her. I actually can go to her with a problem easier than I can go to my dad. Which brings me to my next subject. My dad is not abusive; my dad is not a very mean person. But he can be mean. He seems to have a short fuse that is annoying. Sometimes I feel I can’t tell him thing. Things, like “my grades are slipping”. Or even, “hey did you see who the flyers traded for?”. Seriously, I don’t know if he’ll respond with “WHAT? YOUR GRADES??!” or “Yeah, alright, whatever.” You see, my dad is a nice guy, a normal guy. But just can be hard to talk to. My dad doesn’t really know how to be a dad since he didn’t really have one. His dad went to jail when he was 13 or 14, and only got out when he was 18. And my grandma was a single mother raising 4 children, 3 girls, and 1 boy. My dad being the youngest, a boy of course. My dad did bad things. Never went to jail or anything, but my grandmother didn’t have time to punish him. He used to have parties and bring a bunch of friends in the house and my grandma just couldn’t really punish him, she had too much on her plate. But honestly, I was never really a bad kid. My mom punished me when I deserved it, and my dad would be his short fused self. I was a pretty normal kid, I got know kids around the neighborhood, even though most of them were older. So in 7th grade, about 2 years after my mom died, and about a year after Nadine and my dad got together, we moved a block or so away from the house we were renting for 12 years. There, I met my current best friend, Matt. I’ve been going to school with matt since, well, forever. I got an acquaintance with him in about 4th grade. He always lived me near and we would hang out sometimes. Then once I moved across the street from him, we hung out every single day. Had classes together, walked to and from school, and hung out with the other kids. And then I introduced Matt to my other best friend, Shawn. Shawn has been my friend since 5th grade, and I still try to hang with him every weekend like we’ve been doing since 5th grade. We’ve each had a big impact on each other’s lives. With the things we’re interested in and everything really. We’re like brothers. So the 3 of us hung out a lot and still do. Every weekend I would bring out my dad’s old camera and we make stupid skits. Be it, the special X games, or a parody of our favorite action shows like 24. We were always thinking of something. I mean, there wasn’t anything else to do in our stupid boring town. That’s where all three of us got our love for movies. We made movies and watched them. And that’s where we became inspired to all become filmmakers. By making our stupid skits. But also around this time is where my grades started to slip. And really, since 7th grade began, they still haven’t come back. It just seemed like middle school was so much harder. I still had my friends but my grades really got to me. My dad’s short fuse would kick in with this too. He’s tried to help me, but yell at me at the same time. Which is where I developed my fear to ask or tell him simple things. Here is also when I started to missed the good ‘ole days. With my mom, and just being a kid. Not having to worry too much about school, and just living life. And then came middle school, which obviously became real challenge for me. When my only break from the real world was making movies with Shawn and matt over the weekend. Now, in 7th grade, where this all began. I started talking to more girls. I didn’t go out with any of them in 7th grade, but I got to know certain ones very well. I was a still kid and I didn’t think about it much, but now I really value that I had good friendships with girls at that time.
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And so I've hit Rock Bottom
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But then came 8th grade, most of those girls were not in my class, and no girls were talking to me. I though, “I don’t get it, they were talking to me last year”. I still don’t understand it. For whatever reason, girls weren’t really interested in me in 8th grade, and 8th grade was full blown hell. You see, I’m not one of the popular kids, but I wasn’t totally shunned from girls either. Although, 8th grade year is where I found my first, and so far only, girlfriend. She went to the nearby catholic school where my cousin goes. I met her through my cousin. We still sort of talk, but we didn’t go out for long, a few months, but that’s it. The fact that we went to different schools didn’t work out. Anyway in that 8th grade year, I went to a school basketball game. The game went down to the wire, and everyone was showing a lot of school spirit. Then it hit me, “damn, I can’t wait to get to high school.” I look at high school like it was seen in the movies. Girls, friends, parties, fun and more girls. It just seemed like it would be awesome. But when I got there, I finally realized to wasn’t like that. It was still like middle school, just with a little more freedom. My grades were still average like middle school, and basically had the same friends as a did in middle school. Still, girls were not talking to me for whatever reason. I didn’t get it. I really never saw my self as a hideous person. I mean, back in middle there were some pretty girls who “liked” me. My appearance didn’t really change. But I never saw myself as good looking either. Just an average looking guy. I’m not part of the goth clique, the skaters, the preps, the geeks, none of that. I’m nothing. I’m friends with a few of each of those people. Then came 10th grade. From the start, I had a fixation with this girl. She wasn’t part of the preppy clique, but she was still damn good looking. But she wasn’t talking to me. Then I realized, you know what? I’ve got to get myself out there and talk to her myself. For whatever reason, I though it would be like 7th grade, and the girls would come to me. Did I talk to her? Hardly. Did she talk to me? No. But I finally realized, that I can’t just sit there and let it happen, now way. But for some reason, near the end of my 10th grade year, the shit hit the fan. I was still hanging out with matt and shawn. But then there was mason, and chris. I’ve known these guys but all five of us became pretty good friends, we went to movies together like matt and shawn and I used to do. We don’t party or smoke pot or drink like your average high schooler might. But you see, these guys were my only friends. I mean, there were a few more, but that’s it really. A rather concentrated group of friends. I realized I wasn’t hanging out with a lot of the people I used to hang with. Or at least talk to. I guess when we get older and further into high school, people grow apart. What did I do to change that? Nothing. I just sat back and let it go. I hung out with my few friends. Around may of my 10th grade year, I got kind of bored. I mean, it wasn’t having much fun. School was still a struggle for me as always, and I just hung out in my boring old town doing the same old boring stuff with my same old friends. One night, I was watching Larry King Live. They were talking about god’s existence. Now, I don’t go to church, but at the time, I believed in god. I was always aware that there was “proof” against god such as evolution. But I’m watching this show and there were priests, and atheists. All of them arguing. And the atheists people were really giving it to them. I turned off the show, got into the shower, and it hit me. What if I die? Where do I go? And I broke down. I started crying. I really don’t know where it came from. I mean, I was always aware of the god/atheism arguments but for some reason, this really hit me. I could barely sleep that night. The next day, my friends and I went to see Kingdom of Heaven. Yeah, great movie to see when your freaking out about dying, right? We saw the movie at the mall. My friends and I are walking around, and I’m dead quiet. Barely saying anything, I just kept thinking about this sudden fear of dying. I would break away from my friends at the mall and go to the bathroom and nearly vomit. Then came the time when we saw the movie. If you’ve seen the movie, you probably know it’s pretty long. So I’m sitting there, barely paying attention to the movie. Just having this constant anxiety where I’m afraid of dying. Finally, I calm down just a bit. Enough to the point where I can hide my anxiety when I need to. Of course, everyone noticed there was something wrong with me. I told my friend matt, who was the easiest to talk to. I told him my deal, and he said that a few months ago he had the same problem. But not as bad, he got over it. I then realized that this all came from being bored really. I wasn’t busy with a club, or a bunch of friends or a sport. I let my mind wander and I went crazy. But knowing where it came from didn’t help really. I kept searching the internet. From the time I came home from school, to the time I went to bed. For proof. Proof of life after death. Something’s convinced me, some didn’t. I just needed something to help me through the night, to keep me settled until the next time I got worried. I finally talked to my dad. That’s right, my dad who I’m afraid to talk to about things. A few nights he found me crying. I told him that I was scared each time. He kept trying to settle me, and tell me to go out and play with my friends, just try to get my mind off it. didn’t help. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. I knew that the reason I was sitting in my bed crying was because I became bored and lonely and let my mind wander. I wasn’t going outside and playing sports with my friends like I used to at all. Just stuck up in my room freaking out. Finally my dad got frustrated. He thought it was just me thinking stupid and couldn’t understand why I was acting like this. Then he found me again crying. This is in mid-june. He told me that he thinks I have depression and that we’re going to see a doctor soon. This is after my entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, could tell I was depressed. So he tells me we’re seeing a doctor. Finally, I get what I wanted. But did we ever see this doctor? No. And we never ever spoke of my situation again. But fortunately, in june, I got better. But I was still lonely. Sure, I had my few friends. And every Tuesday we’d get together and play ultimate frisbee over the summer, but that wasn’t enough. It actually started to seem like they excluded me from things they were doing. It depressed me. You see, during my anxiety, I learned a lot about myself. I learned I am a pretty self-concious person, and I’m not very good at talking to girls. Why? I don’t know. I just really suck at keeping a conversation going. I feel like I’m just not an interesting person. So I’m waiting and waiting, and finally school started. Now, every year I think to myself, this year will be different. I’m going to get back in shape (I’m not really fat, I’m just not in shape) and I’m going to talk to more people and make new friends. How’d I feel this year? Different. I didn’t have much determination, if any at all, to go into this school year.
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Now in late September, a little bit after school started. I got a job. At an Italian restaurant known as victor’s. My grandfather is the president of the “board” they have there. So basically, I’m hired. And I’m excited. I know this job will be good for me, because I gives me something to do. I come in and see this girl. She’s beautiful, stunning. It’s my first day and we smile at each other. No talking yet. Then I didn’t work for a few days. I come back, first thing, she says “hi”. I of course, say “hi” back. We’re doing our jobs and she’s complimenting me here and there. Finally, when I come in, she always made sure to say “hi” to me. And ask “how are you”. And she’s kind of treating me like a child almost. Finally, we get to know each other better. And she really seems to want to get to know me more. I, as you can see, am a shy person. I do not initiate a conversation, however if you start talking to me, I’ll be friendly right back. I just don’t initiate it. Which could be the reason why I have few friends, and really no friends that are girls. So we start getting to know each other a little better. Our relationship gets friendlier and she’s not treating me as “childish” as before. This girl really wanted to talk to me and get to know me. Hell, I’m not used to that. But I go with it, we talk, laugh, and just get to know each other well. But then I come into work one day, and I’m sad. She keeps trying to cheer me up and I’m not really budging. This goes on for about two weeks. What am I sad about? Same thing I’m sad about now, loneliness. So she’s trying to be nice and cheer me up and I’m not budging. Finally, we seemed to grow apart a little more. I cheered up after a week or so. But we were not fooling around as much as we used to. It really got me sad. I started to like her and she just seemed like she was moving on from me. I mean, to this day, I act normal around her, but it’s just not the same as it was before. Before, she was obviously flirting with me. Now, it’s hardly anything. We’re just friendly, barely. She seemed like my dream girl. And now we’re growing apart. And I just don’t understand. I’m not a “ladies man” so I don’t know how to start and flirt back to girls very well. I always here, “be yourself”. Well you know what? I hate myself. I am a boring, lazy, uninteresting dork. So not only was she getting me down. But other things were too. Lately, I’m even worse in school. I still have my friends who sometime seem like they avoid me. Before, I used to care if people talked behind my back, now I don’t really care what you think of me if I don’t know you. I really don’t about what I wear to school. Just as long as I look clean. I hate being dirty. But I come to school, wearing sometimes the same hooded sweatshirt, and a pair of jeans. I get like 6 hours of sleep which normally is enough to keep an average person going through the day. But not me, I come to school, get bored quickly in class, and sometimes fall asleep. That shouldn’t effect my grades, and I don’t let it. I’m just lazy. Near the end of class, normally, like last year, or previous years. The teacher would let us talk to our friends until the bell rings. Now, I just sit there. I come to school, and I wait for the damn day to end. I wake up in the morning and I have nothing to look forward to. I have a horrible GPA. It’s like a 1.8. I never failed a class for the year. Usually I get straight C’s and somehow that contributes to a horrible GPA like that. My dad keeps telling me “you’re not stupid, you just don’t apply yourself”. Well, I think it’s both. Lately it seems like I’ve given up. There’s nothing to look forward to when I wake up. What do I do when I go home? I play video games, or go on the computer and on occasion, I hang out with the few friends that seem to avoid me sometimes.
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Remember when I said I wanted to do something in video? Well, in my video class I can’t think of a video. It’s like I have 24/7 writer’s block. And I guess it’s just because I’m not creative. And If that means that video isn’t the field for me, than what do I have to look forward to? I love video, every once and a blue moon, I shoot sports for my video teacher. And like I’ve been doing since I’ve wanted to get into the video field, I watch movies. I watch them for entertainment and to get inspiration. Hardly to I get inspiration. Whenever my video teacher shows me a video that a kid did a few years ago, it inspires me to do one. For about that day, and that’s it. I lose my inspiration. I think of few creative ideas, and nothing clicks. It really gets me down. What do most of the lonely kids in my grade do with their time? They study. They get good grades, and are lonely. They at least have a college to probably look forward to. What do I have? Almost nothing. My GPA is crap. I’m half way through my junior year. I have a month to get my grad project done. (yeah, they’re making us finish it in feburary of our junior year, who knows why). So far I haven’t thought of a damn thing to do for that. That I’m not all that worried about. Right now, literally tomorrow, is the beginning of the 3rd quarter. Every quarter, I think, this quarters going to be different. But somehow I still turn out with C’s and D’s. It’s all about the effort and I’m sick of it now. I have no motivation. What about the other kids with no movtivation for school? They at least have friends that they go and party with. What am I? I’m the lonely half of the geek, and I’m the unmotivated half of the lazy party guy. So I kind of start with a clean slate for the 3rd quarter, We’ll see. I mean, I know I say, it’ll be different, every quarter, but I’ve got different motivation this time. From about the beginning of the school year and now, I’ve been the lazy that I ever was. Hopefully I can dig myself out of the whole and get into Temple to study video. But I’m still lonely. I look forward to go to college to change my life. You know, get a new start. Not be so lonely and meet some friends. But sometimes, I feel I’ll be the same self-concious shy kid in college. Everyone says, college is a lot of fun. Much better than high school. So we’ll see. I have to get there first. I look at other lonely people. People that were like me in high school and still lonely today. And I just don’t want that to be me. It really scares me. This is part of the reason why I say “I wake up and I have nothing to look forward to”. I hear that life after highschool/college sucks. Well, right now, high school sucks, so that also makes me sad. I really don’t have many friends in high school like I’ve said, and I hear that people grow apart after highschool. So basically, I could be more lonely than I am now. So I got looking into it. And I researched loneliness. I just had to. I really, at this point, have nothing to lose. So I found this site. I was glad that I know there are enough people like me to make a site about, but then I got scared. I match every type of loneliness at this site: http://www.webofloneliness.com/type_of_loneliness.htm. Yes, every single one that page has there. -------------So I don’t know, I wrote this huge thing, and I don’t know what I’m searching for. I haven’t told anyone that I have an issue with loneliness except for whoever is reading this. I feel that no one can help me. Monday, in school, my health teacher told us we were doing relationships. She said “we’ll learn how to handle relationships, but first, we have to learn about ourselves first. Make sure we’re ok, and find out who we are. And it might be a little uncomfortable for some people”. Basically, that targets me. The lonely crazy kid. I looked forward to, our next class was Wednesday. That’s today. Did I go to school today? No. the night before I suddenly got scared of what I might find out. So I faked being sick. Although, I did do that research of loneliness, and now I think I’m ready to face that class on Friday (the class is every other day). So if you’ve read this whole thing. I thank you, so very very much. You are obviously a very nice person who likes to help people. I can’t tell if I’m posting this to vent or to ask for help. I guess it’s both really.
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well, that took me 20 minutes to read loll..The Main problem is you dont love yourself. The Nr. 1 thing you have to do to get out of this "hole" learn to love yourself. Once you do that, you will find you will become more open and "laid back" not always stressed, and paranoid. So once you have learned to love yourself, you will gain your confidence back ... which will consequently get you more friends, and the Ladies I hope this Helps ... all you need back is your self confidence and you'll be fine bro. Good Luck!
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Well if this helps Im going through same probs and I feel the same but I have rly good weeks and rly bad weeks. What I suggest for what I do on my good weeks heh is just have self confidence and dont be afraid to be your self dont be shy if someone has a problem with you thats there problem and they can go screw them selfs. Just dont always feel bad about your self your day will always be the same if you just live how you always live. Also for that girl you work with being depressed around her made her think that you didnt like her what you need to do is tell her your probs and that you do like her. Shes a human she wont slice your head off if you tell her you rly like her.