Paranoid, insecure, neurotic

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okay for a long, long time i have been obsessive. if someone makes an unpleasant remark at me for no reason and i dont hit them i obsess over it for days. or one day, minimum. but lately its worse in this case:i cant remember when it started, but for a while now i have had incredible self doubt about my friends. when i first started hanging out with these guys, i felt great. i didnt worry about what everyone thought of me, i was in a fairly large group, i had lots to say and people wanted to listen, i felt popular and revitalized from my old life of being near the bottom of the social barrel. Now im firmly within this group, in the sense that im a 'resident', and i feel like ive drifted apart from a lot of my friends. this one guy who i knew before any of them, we used to talk loads about japanese cartoons, which i used to be a fan of, and the like. now he barely says a word to me, and insists that he is not annoyed with me. I used to think my friends where annoyed with me, but now im convinced that this guy just likes me less. I mean, if we never talk, how can we remain friends? and if we remain friends, will we still be 'good' friends? this is the same with another previously close friend, and its happening with others.Its like, i have nothing to say to them. And they dont expect me to 'entertain' them, per se, but if im always quiet, wont they reject me? I tried bringing this up in open and honest conversation, but most guys arent as sensitive as me, so they wont admit how they are feeling about anything when challenged. I dont wanna lose my friends. Maybe im getting too emotionally attached, but i dont know what to do. I just want to go back to the good old days when i didnt obsess over what they thought of me and we where all just friends.-max

It's not easy sometimes being somene to whom friendships are important. Especially for men (or young men). Here are a few things to think about:- Make sure your friendships are healthy friendships and not obsessive friendships. Don't expect your friends to be more than they are, or expect them to do/be what they are not capable of doing/being.- Be willing to let a friendship go when it is over. This is pretty hard for me, but I've had to learn to do it. If you've made new friends, it might very well be at the expense of old friends. Not necessarily, but possibly.- Continue to offer your friendship in ways that aren't obsessive or clingy. Sometimes your buddies just wanna see how loyal you are or how solid your friendship is.- Give yourself a break. It's not always about you. Every lost or damaged friendship does not mean you are defective. There's always the possibility that it is an opportunity to learn something about yourself that needs attention. But it could also be the other person's stuff.Hang in there. Friendships are tricky. But if you learn to do them well now, you will be blessed by good friends in the future.

I think you're over-analysing, Africa. Friendships, like other relationships, often start off as a welter of things shared, but after a while they quieten down. That's fine and normal. Though you can't take other people for granted, anything too intense can't usually continue that way, and turns into something calmer.

Sometimes frienships do fade because people drift apart. That's normal too, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Expect that each year one or two friendships will fade, and you'll make one or two new ones.

But I don't see that happening here. You're part of the group, you don't need to prove yourself. Just be with them and be yourself.

damien said, " Don't expect your friends to be more than they are, or expect them to do/be what they are not capable of doing/being."Perfect and accurate advice that all would do well to remember. Also, don't forget that the same applies to them via what they expect from you.All I have to add is to re-read damien and Ineligibles posts, a couple of times, and take to heart.>>> You said, "Its like, i have nothing to say to them. ....but if im always quiet, wont they reject me?"I highly doubt that. It has been my experience that male relationships just don't work that way. As long as you don't pull down the group, or are not in a morose state of mind all the time, or pressuring them, then you most likely have nothing to worry about. Also, don't feel the need to be the life of the party or "to entertain", just be there and join in the good times when they roll around, that's what buds are for.

That reminds me of one of the most amazing "aha" moments I've had over the past few years.I was talking to a counselor about my inability to connect with people. I was jealous of my friends Adam and Mark cause they have the ability to go into a group of people and start mingling and connecting right away. To me, that's a situation I fear. I end up standing along the wall waiting for my buddies to get done so we can leave. Feelign crappy the whole time. I was talking to the good Doctor about this and about how it sucks that I can't be outgoing like Mark.His response: "Where did you get the idea that you had to be THAT person."Basically saying that we aren't all outgoing, type A people. and that's a good thing.

thanks for the advice. about not being morose all the time, do you mean like even though i constantly feel this way, i should lighten up a little around them?

Yes. Often you will find that if you go ahead and force yourself to ignore the negative, it will be forgotten about in short order. Furthermore, you will find that you ended up having a good time, even though, when you set out you really felt blue or overwhelmed.Never underestimate the impact that your attitude has on your life. A positive attitude will open more doors and allow you to deal, successfully, with more problems, than you can imagine.

when I was singe I would go in and mingle, make sure I was seen and known then hit the gir against the walls an in the corners hiding out, I have the fuck you Im me and you will love me attitude but it works well to get the girls that id not have that attitude who shirked around and hid out waiting on friends, they were very receptive to people taking to them and treating them like everyone else who was popular and out on the floor.I was happy with the results I got from the wall flowers I would of been alone more often if everyone had the same personality as me, that or been involved in some massive orgies

today was horrible. i didnt act too negative, i just kinda hanged around with my friends, but it became so hard. Theyre constantly having discussions and laughing and joking and im never involved. They dont seem to want to include me in anything, and nobody talks to me on msn. But when i ask if theyre mad or bored with me, they say they arent. At the very least my best friend isnt like that. But still, this is one of the worst burdens in my life. Its like being bullied by myself. My only friends dont even like me much. It fucking sucks.Maybe i should just leave, but i have nowhere else to go. I have exhaused my last resource. Theres only one group more popular than the one im in, and to become part of that id have to change myself entirely, which im just not willing to do.

I've had times when I've felt rather like a ghost around my friends. Like I'm there but they don't even see me. And when I try to interject something into the conversation, I'm not even heard. I know it sucks. But the trick is to find out what it means and what it doesn't mean.It could very well mean that this group of guys is not interested in you being with them all that much. If that's the case, you can stick around for more of it, or go somewhere else. If you choose to go somewhere else, don't let where you go be dictated by who's more popular. The most popular kids aren't necessarily the most interesting or the most fun. Besides if you go from the second most popular group to say the third most popular group, you will pretty much be king of the hill, no?That being said. I don't think that's the problem. I would bet your buddies very much want you to be with them. I think it might be a matter of just being more assertive. Don't wait to be "invited" into a conversation. Initiate one yourself. When you speak in the group, speak loudly and confidently. If you talk like what you have to say is not worth hearing, it won't be heard.I see so much of myself in your posts. I hope that what I am saying is helpful. It comes from experiencing exactly what you're talking about. Stick with it. Try to look for little ways to be assertive. I think it can work out for you to the point where your buddies enjoy you being around as much as you enjoy them.

thanks, i forgot to mention, today we where messin around and i took my friends glasses as a joke, which i often do. Only this time i threw them. Im not sure why. Everyone kinda turned on me for a moment after that. My friend accepted my apology but he clearly resents me or has changed his view of me. I have fucked up my life tremendously. I think im going through depression as a result of my dad dying, and this has affected how talkative i am which affects my friendships. The friend who's glasses i hucked clearly dislikes me now. I am a fucking screwup and my friends are going to abandon me. I want to die.

Are you familiar with the term catastrophize?That's what you're doing. You should stop it.What I mean is that you're assuming the absolute worst case scenario, which seldom actually comes to pass. In reply to: I am a fucking screwup That's very extreme and not true. You threw your friends glasses which was really not a good thing to do. You acknowledged that. Now get over it. I'm sure your friend has. I know it seems like he hates you because of it, but I'm betting that is just your perception which is very much tainted by your fears. In reply to: my friends are going to abandon me This almost makes me cry to read. Why? Because that is my #1 fear in life. That the people I care for and need will abandon me. But when I see it in someone else - like you - I realize how absurd that is. They are not going to abandon you. It's quite possible that you could push them away. But if you just chill for a bit and relax and enjoy your friends without trying too hard, they'll hang in there with you. If they don't...well that's gonna suck, but you'll get through that as well.How long ago did your dad die? It is quite possible that you could be expriencing a lot of this as a result of that. Esecially a fear of being abandoned. My heart goes out to you. I could not imaging losing my dad, especially at your age. Have you considered finding a counselor? That would probably be a great thing for you. You could talk to him about the loss of your dad, your friends, your fear of abandonment, your depression... I would really recommend that.Hang in there buddy, and keep posting. You'll get through this.

my dad died november 22nd, i have a counseller but it really doesnt help. the lady listens to me complain, then interrupts every 10 minutes and states the obvious, and i do that for an hour. thank you for being so understanding though, after a long shower ( and slamming my head into the wall a few times ) things are kind of in perspective. i hope my friend will get over it.still depressed though. but thanks.,

Anytime, friend.As for your counselor...you're paying her. You can fire her. Seriously, if she is not helping you, you should fire her and get someone who can. Talk to your mom about it, or whover is paying the bill. They would want to know you are being helped.Another question just popped into my mind. Do you feel like your friends are treating you differently after your dad's death then they did before?

im not paying her, she works for the school. my friend says he's over the glasses thing, but things have totally changed. i had to ask if anything was happening tommorow, and he mentioned i could come golfing 'if i wanted'. He made no mention of something else i knew was happening, which i think is pretty much a sign he doesnt want me there. Before my dad died he'd always invite me to places, but if i hadnt asked him about tommorow i would have spent the weekend indoors, and on monday he probably wouldnt have mentioned the going out. You know what? Im sick of feeling so anxious. If he cant be a good friend to me while im dealing with the stress caused by my dad DYING, then he isnt a good friend at all. If his dad died and i was the one who organized the going out, i would make it top priority to invite him first. Im going out tommorow just to prove a point, i wont stick around long. Luckily i still have some good friends, its just this guy that does the organizing and inviting. He was one of my best friends. He aint anymore. this song quote comes to mindnobody likes youeveryone left youtheyre all off without youhaving fun

Damned straight!People so often forget thatyor in charge not yuor doc, counselor, lawyer or who ever else.You pay the bills, you are in charge, thier job is to take care of you and hep you and if after a few visits you can not see that they are helping or evn might be helping then your stil in charge god damn it!take charge tell them its not working out and you do not feel like they are helping you and leave find a new one who does better for you.

Have you considered the possibility that your father's death has become a problem with your friendships? What I mean is that high school guys don't often know how to deal with such tragedies. You were forced to deal with it because it was your father. Your buddies, however, can deal with it or not deal with it. It really sounds to me like they don't know how to be a friend to someone who has lost his father. It doesn't make them pricks or anything. It's just that you have gone through so much and it most likely has changed the way you deal with everything and everybody. And you have these friends who like you but don't know how/who they are supposed to be with/around you. They might still be scared by the whole ordeal. And instead of dealing with it head on, they sort of distance themselves. It's a lot easier for them to say "Africa (or whatever they call you ) has become a different person since his dad died. We don't really know that person." than to learn how to be with you and support you through these tough times.Another thing that happens is that folks sometimes have screwy ideas about mourning and adjusting after a death. They believe it should take X amount of time, and if it takes longer, well your just unhealthy. That is crap thinking. You're a teenage guy who lost his father. You don't just shake that off after six weeks. They need to understand that. I think they also need to somehow see you not wanting to be sullen and morose all the time - which may be what they are expecting. They need to give you a chance to be the fun guy you were before life slapped you upside the tush.As for your counselor...even if you're not paying her, she has a responsibility to help you. Not to follow protocol or her favoriet counselling theories. Helping you is priority #1. If that means she changes what she is doing, that's what she needs to do. You might even give her some suggestions on what you want to do with your time with her. How she might help you. Here's a couple of suggestions you might look at... - Have her to help you investigate how your father's death is affecting the way you approach your buddies. Be proactive and own what you need to own and then work on that. - Investigate the idea of having her meet with you and two or three of your buddies. Kind of help all of you navigate this strange new reality. You'd be amazed at how much comes out in sessions like that. It could be a good starting point.Finally, if you feel you need to find new friends, don't be afraid of that. Discuss that with your counselor as well. The advantage of doing this (and I'm not saying you should necessarily) is that your new friends weren't your friends before your loss. They aren't comparing you to who/what you were before. You are who you are. That could be a fresh start. Just PLEASE make sure you choose your friends wisely!

Yes, often people feel they should say something, but they have no idea what to say, so they say nothing, which makes them feel uncomfortable, so they avoid their friend. Many people who are bereaved report that their friends disappeared because of that reason.