SEMI-RAPE SITUATION >> girlfriend

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I am not sure what thread this goes in but need help.My girlfriend and I have been together for quite awhile.. about a year and a half. Our situation is that we have these sexual pauses. These pauses are caused by her feeling uncomfortable to do anything --- a couple years ago she was at a new job and one of the guys asked her to come chill with everyone and she said to herself "maybe this is a good way to get to know everyone" -- well after work they left the place and them two started driving. He stopped in a empty parking lot - lock the doors and forced her to do things. She was freaking out and crying, and he made her give him a blowjob and then he started moving on her... there was no sex involved ---- somehow she later got home and she was petrified. The subject is touchy with her, but its causing a problem in our sexual life.Our relationship is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything, I just wish we can both be happy with all aspects of a relationship - mentally and physically.I just dont know what to do anymore.So someone help me out and give some advice on ways of helping her get over the situation or whatever.Thanks.

Is it to late to file charges? She needs to see a counsler/therapist. That wasnt semi-Rape, that was rape.

Rape dont have to involve vaginal penetration. The guy belongs in jail!I'd think more about helping your gf to cope with whatever mental stress has come from this rather than your sex life, though I understand it must be frustrating.

You both seem to deny the fact that this was a real rape. I'm sure there is a public service for this and you have to call them for information. Your gf needs also to visit a psychologist, this will help her a lot...Finally, consider that this bastard will do it again to someone else, if you just sit and leave him unpunished...

Let me add to the voices who have already said this is not a semi-rape. This was a real rape. The guy should be reported and prosecuted, because he will do it again.As for your girlfriend, you have to understand that she may not want sex for a looooooooong time. You should respect that. Sex should be the last thing on your mind when it comes to her. You have an opportunity here to be really supportive of her - meaning putting her needs before your own - and helping her start getting through this. You should really encourage her to see a counselor.I'm sorry this happened to her. And as someone who cares for her, it kind of happened to you as well. I really hope you stick with her through this. Not only will that kind of support help in her healing, it will really cement your relationship as well.Best to you and her.

Well said, damien.

I agree with you all, I didn't mean to call it semi-rape - I know it was a rape. Don't get me wrong by thinking I am just thinking about my sex life. I can wait for a long time not having anything sexual -- although obviously it will get frustrating, but I am going to stick with her through anything and help her with all that I can. (I want to be with her for a long long time if possible - I love her)I would love to turn in the guy, but she is so afraid to have anything to do near him again - even if it is admitting that he raped her. I sorta know the guy, never met him or saw him, used to know the name - I have nothing useful to either kick his ass and/or turn him in, she will not talk to me about it. How do I get her to be comfortable to tell me this info and how can get her to go see her therapist (which she goes to every so often.) I try to do these but obviously its not working.Thanks for all your responses so far.I want the best for her and all of your opinions are appreciated.

In reply to: but she is so afraid to have anything to do near him again What about the next poor girl.

Victims of rape who dont go to the police are infact being very selfish. I know she's been through alot but she has to think about other people to.

You say she goes to a therapist sometimes. Does she talk about it there? Or do you know?What about you going to counseling to become more of a support for her? You may gain your own insight as to why she might be "hiding" and a counselor could give you tools to talk to her. And maybe in time you two could go together, that would be the most beneficial, but one step at a time.A womans refuge or other type of agency that is skilled in these matters might help you understand her plight, and there is still client confidentiality. I will also add, that facing the someone who hurt you can be as difficult or more difficult than what actually happend. Look into the statute of limitations, and see if there is time for some healing before you push her towards turning him in.Good luck to you. It is a tough and scary place for both of you to be.

No she doesnt talk about it with her therapists. I told her to but she make herself do it.Tonight we got in a flippin fight for no damn reason, I asked her why she wont turn the guy in and got pissed about it. and ofcourse I dont wanna leave on a bad note and i want to solve before we are off the phone. She now thinks that Im asking about it because I just want to get laid. Dumbest thing I heard tonight. I dont know how I am ever going to be able to talk to her and now me asking is putting our relationship at risk. (sorry im kinda venting a little but not so much)

Make sure she knows its because of the other people that he could/did hurt. And that your saying it cause you care about her. It sounds as if she's being rather selfish about it.

i dont really think thats for you to say, at least 'selfish' is not the word i would use..i think once youve been raped your so emotionally shaken up all kinds of thoughts can go through your mind ranging from 'maybe it was my fault' or 'i could have stopped it'also so many rape cases nowadays are not spontaneous situtations as in a stranger raping a girl - like the girl above she was raped by a someone she worked with, or rape can even happen in relationships- so no i would not define it as 'selfish' as there are so many other barriers to stop a girl from going to the police. i know if it was me i would be so unbelievably scared i dont know what i would do

Its selfish to let other girls go to the same fate, no matter how you twist it. Its selfish to think only about your own fears and feelings, its selfish to leave a criminal loose to the world whn you have the power to stop him, its selfish to run and hide and try and block out the world.I'm sure being raped sucks beyond belief. Thankfully some victims do think of other people and behave in a selfless manner...by going to the police, despite knowing it will prolong their pain.

its selfish to run and hide and try and block out the world.

^^not really- i think thats a completely human reaction. i think its a human reaction not to want to go to the police after being raped, fear, guilt etc. sure its not the right thing, but in a time of mental confusion its understandable. sure these rapists should be stopped, i think the only reason im responding to you is because the way you phrased your post it, it sounds so easy yet its a massive step, i agree with you more rape victims should come forward..but i would defantley not go to the extremes to say theyre wrong and 'selfish'(which is quite a strong word)if they didnt. i just didnt like the tone of your post but i see what your saying

Selfish has a simple meaning, regardless of "tone".

Forget all that selfishness talk. Rape causes such a gammit of feelings that are TOTALLY unexplainable at times by the victim.I think YOU should seek the help of a counselor, therapist or rape victim advocate.Gain insight to the pain and fears that are general among rape victims.AND DON'T be bringing it up with her. Let her bring it up, and don't answer her with anything but "what can I do to help". If she says IDK...just tell her that you will be there for her when she knows.Get help yourself first, and you will be able to help her more then.Fight or flight responses are pretty primal, and when you "fight" someones urge to flee, you are going to cause them to flee further. Or the urge to fight will come out and they will fight with you.This obviously isn't your goal.

o......m.......g.......I cannot believe you just called a rape victim selfish...Rape is very traumatic. I mean some people need some serious help after it happens. She is probably experiencing the same. What you need to do is cut sex out of the picture, if you love her do it. Just stop for now. Focus on making her better and confident about talking about it. I would think you could call the cops for her and have them question her. They will actually help her through it too. SOmething to think about. If not, help her get some help, someone that she can sit and talk to.Java come on girl...selfish...what is this board coming to?

I understand that, i understand it better then you know but you cant just let him stay out there, with the ability to let him do it to other girls.

well better choice of words than selfish...I udnerstand nabbing him and do not underestimate my ability to understand.