SEMI-RAPE SITUATION >> girlfriend

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I think you guys may be missing the fact that this happened a couple of years ago.

I did, hence my asking about statute of limitations.Few years, lifetime. Things like this don't just suddenly heal.

yeah read it...but did not register when posting.

And the ability of the rapist to go after someone else doesnt suddenly disapear...he's cock isnt going to melt into a useless tube of flesh with the ageing of a few years.

I don't think that ANYONE is saying that bastard rapist SOB's shoulnd't be locked up with their cocs in a box on the shelf to look at for the rest of their lives.BUT, in human nature there are two responses to trauma, fight or flight. And because we are human, we get the chance to change that response, especially if it is flight. Ironically, our way of seeing things causes many rape victims to hide, and not talk to ANYONE about it. It creates other fears, and anxieties that are beyond explaination. AS ONE MYSELF...I understand this. I was married to the bastard though, and the system did little for me. Therapy, friends, and finally a divorce,(which came with other ramifications) were what let me LIVE through and after it.I suffered SEVERE depression, that wasn't life, I was alive but not living. OH I WISH I COULD SCREAM ON HERE!!!When you tell a victim that they are selfish by not turning their attacker in, you are in someways right, but it isn't done as an act of selfishness, it is an act of SURVIVAL. grrr...let me come back when I gain my composure.

Wow...I kind of understand both of you. I understand the Strapster's cry for justice. But I think it is important that you shared what you did to help us understand the perspective of the victim in this.

Last week I sat in on a very long treatment team meeting at an emergency psychiatric unit. There was a girl that came in who was referred by her parents for depression and drug use and whatnot. This girl was an "exotic dancer". She had also been raped outside the club a week earlier. I have to tell you I was amazed at how this girl was farmed through the process like everyone else with no consideration of the fact that she'd just been raped. Things that you wouldn't think would be a big deal were huge deals to her. This girl who took her clothes off in front of strangers for a living was noticeably very embarassed to be sitting there in front of us in a gospital gown that didn't close completely in the back. I felt so bad for her. She didn't want to talk to us. She felt like she was being grilled. It's like all these people in there were thinking "depressed druggie" when in fact it was a young girl who had been victimized in the most intimate of ways. She even said at one point "This is why people don't report these things." DAMN. The more I think about it the more it pisses me off. After she left, the head psychiatrist (who is a prominent "expert") made some comment like "she takes her clothes off in front of people but she can't talk to us". I thought that was so inappropriate.

I guess my point is that victims of sexual violence don't fit into our normal processes. You can't farm them through the legal system, the medical system, or any other system without regard to what has happened to them. Even two years later...I would hope that the op's girlfriend would eventually get to a point where she can be active in the asshole's arrest and conviction. But these things don't just go away. It took me 15 years to begin to deal with what happened to me.

For the OP, if you're still around...this is why it's important for her to have good guys like you around her. Not just for the support that she will continue to need, but to pick up the pieces and fill in the gaps and do a lot of the stuff she still may not be able to do.

man, I feel for you guys.

Thanks Damien \*hug\*. Ironically your post helped me cool off.
No one truely understands what a rape victim goes through except the victim themself. Each person is different.
Years later I still have moments when I smell the wrong cologne, or the wrong "style" of kiss is given, or sometimes the sound of a car, will throw me back to that VERY painful moment. To this day, there are times that I feel like if I don't talk about it, it doesn't really exist. There are times when I want to be held SO close and feel safe, and times that I don't want ANY human contact.
There are times that all I want is sex, because if I innitiate it, I am in control, and other times that I don't want it, again control (not over my partner, but over myself). Yet at the moment it is happening I don't really understand myself and being with a man who RESPECTS the fact that I still feel out of control at times...really really helps.
I understand the need/desire to get the rapist off the street. REALLY I DO!!!
For the orriginal poster. I found a very useful site. It is some support for The Men in a Rape Victims Life. NO it doesn't cover everything, but it covers some.
[http://www.turningpointservices.org/If she is raped - understanding rape.htm][0]
[0]: http://www.turningpointservices.org/If she is raped - understanding rape.htm

well honestly it is selfish to not turn them in, it also isnt always possible depending on how well the victem comes thru it and what mental state they are in after the actual act is finished.
certainly we can agree that fevery piece of shit rapist bastard needs tobe turned in and needs tobe locked up, hg by thier balls unti thier own weight pulling against the stead fast cord castrates them, right? fand i think we can also agree that unless we were raped that we have no real understanding of what a victem of rape goes thru, right ?
that being said, I think that strappings point is right, the prick needs to be turned in and prosecuted, fmaybe the idea that future rapes he commits because he was not turned in can give the needed strength and determination to a person who otherwise would not of been abe to stand up and fight to keep another from being his next victem.
I was never raped, I have no basis ffto compare my feelings and even if i had been, ffI may of come thru it differently then any other isnge person who had ever been raped. The idea that al fthe cock slime bastards who commit the act need to be sought out and punished though is based on having that bastards victems stepping forward to put a stop to it, with out them sayig so, there was no rape as seen by the law who has the authority to punish the criminal.
Those people count of fear and undeserved shame over the fact and a shattered or non-existant before the rape self worth in thier victems to keep them from folowing up and stopping them. In all truth, if you are raped and you do nothing about it, nothing is going to happen to the bastard who did it.

I also wonder about the mental anguish caused by hearing about other girls who get raped...knowing that it could well be done by the guy ya didnt put away.I'm sure inverting on oneself is entirely natural, but that doesnt change what I said. The idea that its selfish to not put away a rapist you can put away should be encouraged so as to highlight what victims MUST do...else next time it could be a friend of mine or my girl-friend or my mum.

By definition you could say it's selfish, but it's not generally something you say to someone who has been traumatized. Sometimes when someone doesn't come forward when they have been a victim is because of negativity they may receive from other people. Being called selfish among other things can keep people silent, like maybe they did something wrong to be seen so badly by others.Whenever she does decide to tell police, which would be a good thing, I hope she has someone with her that will stick up for her. Sometimes when people don't understand, instead of listening the open their mouthes and say something hurtful and inconsiderate. That may stop her from even seeing things through to help prevent other victims.

it's going to take a long time.. very long time.. or so i keep getting told.

they say it will getbetter... i say it never will.
..and if it does get better it will always be in her head of wut happend.

don;t pressure her to talk about it. don;t bring it up. she'll talk to u when she's ready too.. probly.
and don;t hold ur breath... u said it happend 2 years ago... the shit set in her mind hasn't even started yet. well it has but... well i dk how to explaine it.

In reply to: Victims of rape who dont go to the police are infact being very selfish that is just....GRRRRRRRRRRrhow can u fucking dare say shit tlike htat. u have NO fucking idia how fucking scary it is...... and how it just couses more and worse problums.wut if she does go and tell.. he dienies it and goes back free who the fuck u think he;s going ot go after.. HER! and it will be worse...so bad worse u have no idia.!!!untill u get fucking raped (and i hope 4 u it never happends...or no one 4 that matter but still...) u can't say shit about selfishness..... FUCK i wish i hadn't came back!

Thanks to all those who have posted or continue to post.Every bit helps and doesnt go unnoticed.I am trying to read through the rest of them and I will be responding soon. SO dont think I am paying attention.I think one of the factors (even though there are probably many) of why it is hard for her to turn the guy is, which I can understand, is that she doesnt want to suffer embarassment on top of all the feelings she currently has. Atleast thats my guess. & I think I know who he might be or could prolly find out. If I do, I think I might turn him in even if she gets upset about that.Keep the comments coming.I will respond soon.thanks again for all your concerns and input.

Well, it depends on your goal, If your goal is to help her, turning the guy in for her, will betray her trust in you, and I am sure she already has a hard time truely trusting. However if your goal is to get the ass off the streets, go ahead, but there is no garantee that she will talk, she might say your just a crazy sob..jelous ex boyfriend.Your best bet, is to just be there, and be her safe guy. She will open up sooner or later, depending on how you handle it, and then maybe she would be strong enough (especially with your support) to turn him in.

In reply to: However if your goal is to get the ass off the streets, go ahead, but there is no garantee that she will talk, she might say your just a crazy sob..jelous ex boyfriend. jealous ex boyfriend?dont understand that. and definitely we are still together. But I think I am going to let her decide to turn the guy in because even as much as I would like to find the guy - first kick his ass then throw him in jail.. i dont wanna betray her trust in any way.

I think that's a good decision.You're a good man.

I mean if you turn the guy in for her...
She might just get her hackals all up...and take it out on you.

To acheive both things; Getting the guy, and helping your girlfriend, you will have to work THROUGH her, at her pace.

Have I got you totally confused?

Fuck her around and piss her off by pushing her to fast, you can go from fher current love to her ex in a matter of seconds.
All she is sayig is go at the girls pace, maddening as it is to slow down when your ready and desperate for action

Dont swear at me, you tard.I understand the need to go at that girls pace, but frankly I care more about girls that I know than someone I've never met. I fear for my friends and families safety, thus wanting rapists locked up is rather natural, and theres only one way for that to happen. In reply to: wut if she does go and tell.. he dienies it and goes back free who the fuck u think he;s going ot go after Indeed, it will be harder to have him locked up after leaving for that length of time, which is why girls must be encouraged to go to the police SOONER rather than later. In reply to: (and i hope 4 u it never happends...or no one 4 that matter but still...) Its less likely to happen if rapists are in jail.I wouldnt pretend standing up in court is easy or that its going to make the girl feel any better. But there are other girls out there. Rape is on the increase and still only a very small amount of rapists are ever caught. There is simply only one way to change that. In the UK we are proposing new laws that enable a girl to a record a video message and have that taken into court rather than her go in herself (formerly a right reserved for under 16's), it is my hope that that will help. Of course encourageing girls to come out about rape is only part of it, of course they need peoples support, but society also needs one thing of them. Saying its acceptable to just hide a way is only prolonging and exasbertaing the problem...the problem being rape...not that girls rape, but rape in general.

I don't think CR is saying that rape victims shouldn't report it if they can. I think what he is saying is that you have no idea how much you are asking. An accusation of rape has to be tested - otherwise anyone could cry rape against anyone they didn't like. The testing process, however it is done, is bound to be very traumatic, and doubles and redoubles the pain of the rape itself. If the trauma can be reduced while still allowing those who are falsely accused to defend themselves, that's good, but we can't expect it will ever be anything but very stressful. I suspect it is actually much less stressful to carry through a false accusation of rape than a true one. The true victim has to go through the trauma over and over.To criticise a rape victim for not reporting it is a bit like criticising a mugging victim for not fighting back. Those who can should, but not everyone can.