Depressed

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Okay so my grandpa's dying. I don't really talk to people about it unless they ask and most of the time I don't really want to discuss it with them. And when I want to talk about it none of my "friends" are around. Hell, none of them even come around anymore or call. And it's not like I burden them with it. I figure they don't want to hear about it so I don't tell them. None of them really know what's going on anymore. They don't know how bad it is. They don't know that when I go over to my grandpa's house he doesn't really know who I am even though he says he does. Tonight he thought my sister was my grandma.I have school to worry about, my family, my grandpa, my job, clinicals. I worry about getting into a good school after I graduate and am an LPN. I worry about my extracurricular activities and my community service that I have to complete upon applying to medical school (and I'm not sure that volunteering for the Special Olympics, a rape crisis center, a hospital, and Habitat for Humanity are going to be enough). My stress and anxiety level is at all time high. My blood pressure has jumped from 126/62 to 168-90. I'm afraid of being put on blood pressure medication. I only weigh 140. My blood pressure shouldn't be that high. I'm in great shape. My mom and the doctor says it's from all the stress. My hair is even starting to fall out. I can pull out fist fulls of it. I feel so much older than I really am right now. Im starting to show signs of gray and I feel so old. I'm 21 years old and I feel like I'm 40. One of the guys I work with says I've aged 10 years since finding out about my grandpa. People are starting to ask my b/f (well...my ex now) if I'm all right..if I'm going to ever be the same. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I'm afraid if I do I won't get to say goodbye one last time. And I just don't feel like eating...I have to force myself to because I know I should. I feel like I'm being looked to bear the weight of my family and be the leader when no one else can right now and like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming and screaming and no one can hear. I'm angry at God. I was even screaming at him in my truck on the way home. If there was a shouting match between me and God I think it would be a very close competition. I feel like I'm running out of room to breathe and I haven't made up my mind if I want to keep breathing. I don't want him to go. What am I going to do without him?And I want so bad to talk to my best friend but like I said, my "friends" are never around when I need them. They're always there when it's convenient though. And I'm the one that always pulls through for them no matter what. I'm always there, at every function, graduation...if there's a death I'm always right there to comfort them...I'm the friend that everyone wants but everyone steps on in the process. I just can't take anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way. And I don't want uppers or downers, anti-anxiety meds, or blood pressure meds...I just want to be better. And I'm not sure I can be without my grandpa.

Im so sorry you are feeling this way, i know all to well how you are feeling, and the things you have described are almost the same way i reacted when my mother was very ill.I was upset, mad, felt sorry for myself and just couldnt see how i was going to get past it. I watched my mother take her last breath. It was a moment that will never leave my mind.I to this day have nightmares of the pain and suffering she went through. You dont think you will make it, but im telling you , that you have the strength to go on.. You may not want to right now. Seeing a loved one suffer is just unbearable and the most difficult thing to indure. One day, you will see past all of the pain and suffering and remember your grandpa for who he was ,what he accomplished,and know in your heart he loved you so much. It isnt easy. My mom passed away in Feb of this year, and that was the most frightening, heartbreaking thing anyone can witness. I still talk to my mother everyday, hoping she can hear me.I have lost my mother, but gained an angel to watch over me. She knew how much we loved her.,as im sure yoru grandpa knows you love him. This is something you have no contol over, which makes things seem even worse, the sense of helplessness is just an overwelming emotion.
Im sure your friends care. In my case people just didnt know what to say. Except that they are sorry. And most people dont know the pain you are feeling unless they experience it first hand.
If you need soemone to talk to, im here all the time, Pm me if you need to. I know how you are feeling,and ill do what i can to help you through this.
((((HUGS))))

I dont want my friends to say anything really. I just want them to sit with me and just let me talk if I want to, bawl if I want to. Right now, I'm angry...but that doesn't really last for too long. I'm just depressed about the whole thing.

wow cenfath,i hear ya man.depression is my biggest adversary.and you're going through a hard time.life is complex.most importantly find things to occupy your mind with.reading and stuff like that.take care of yourself.try see the beautiful side of life.and friends for me have been the biggest let of all things in my life,so thats my opinion on friends,they are shitty.be strong,keep your chin up.thinking of you.

I may have to give in and go on the anti-depressants. I don't know...I DO know it's normal to feel like this all the time. I can't just read. I'm expected to help with caregiving. I don't have to give a bath or anything like that but I do have to help which means I have to go around the house and be around him and I don't mind being around him. In fact I like to sing to him when I'm over there where no one can hear. But there's always someone around anymore so I haven't gotten to do it. It's more or less the songs that he likes and the ones I've picked out to sing at the funeral.I have one GREAT friend and unfortunately for me, he lives in Massachusetts and I don't get to see him. But he does the best he can through this wonderful chat median, the internet. I love him dearly. He's probably the best friend I've ever had.I'm almost afraid to say this because I don't want him to go but I'm thinking I'll be almost relieved when it's finallly over and he's gone. So he won't be in anymore pain. I've made it pretty clear to my friend in Mass and my family that if anything happens to me and I can't take care of myself...just shoot me. I don't want to be like my grandpa. He shakes uncontrollably (the hospice nurse says it's because of the cancer). He can't feed himself, bathe himself, walk or even stand up. We can't understand what he says anymore because the cancer is just eating away at him and I get so mad because I keep asking myself if there's a God why the hell is he letting my grandpa suffer? And why doesn't he do something since he has the power to do it? I just don't understand and I don't like it one bit.And thank you for being here.

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> I'm almost afraid to say this because I don't want him to go but I'm thinking I'll be almost relieved when it's finallly over and he's gone. So he won't be in anymore pain.
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There's nothing wrong with thinking that, cenfath. It's the way we all feel when it gets to this point. In fact, it becomes selfish to wish him to stay when it is only pain for him.
This is the way that most people die now - a slow death. My father-in-law took years, during which moving, and later breathing, became difficult and painful for him. God does not want people to suffer or to die, but in our fallen world it is so.
My mother-in-law died this year. She had been suffering progressive dementia as well as getting increasingly frail. In the end she stopped eating, we think deliberately. We decided not to force-feed her.

yeah,i dont beleive in god for that reason.just btw.my friends father died today in the hospital,so,i'll be at the funeral tomorrow.i told my mom i'm so sad he sufferd,and it proves there is no god,or no god worthy of praise.my mom said that according to his wife and children since he became sick a year ago he changed completely in everyway,he told them all he loved them everyday and he was such a beautiful person for that period.i dont dont know if that justifies suffering or anything,but maybe things do happen for a reason.you just keep doing what you have to do,i'm really impressed with your dedication and the responsibility you've picked up.i get annoyed everyday when i have to put on the old mans hearing aid that lives here. i shouldnt shirk it anymore but go and do it graciously,cause thats what life is about helping and being helped.sing for him man!thats admirable.i just came off anti-depressants.if you feel you need them take them,no big deal.it's not permenant.it can help you through this period.on the other hand if you feel you can manage then just look after yourself properly,make sure you're eating right,being physically active,and doing things to cheer yourself up,and keep your spirits up.be cool.

We went out to eat with my neighbors this evening. Before everyone says that's good...we got a phone call from my aunt telling us to come quick. They said his breathing was different now and his temperature spiked again. When we got there it seemed like Shane Stokes which alternating betwen not breathing at all and gasping for breath very rapidly. When the hospice nurse finally came she said he had the 'death rattle'. My grandmother asked me to come sing for him. He can't see me. But the said he can hear me and that hearing is the last of the senses to go usually. I'm so scared.My mom and my aunt were saying that even though he can't see he had his arms reached out to someone earlier today and he was yelling, "momma! Momma!"I can't say there isn't a God but I'm just wondering if my faith in Him will ever bounce back. I wonder if I'm really going to be okay. I don't cry in front of people. I cry behind closed doors so no one knows how much this is really tearing me up. I mean I can remember playing with Mr. Potato Head when I was about 4 or 5 years old and thinking I didn't like the plastic potato and the parts looked better on me and my grandparents (i have them on a disk if anyone would like to see them....they're cute.... ). I used to crawl up in his lap and fall asleep. I used to sit and listen, enchanted by the stories about when he was a kid. When he bought his telescope I used to sit outside with him for hourse and just look at the stars. And now....now I won't get to do that with him anymore. And the worst part is all of it, fall asleep, mr. potato head...it all feels like it just happened a few days ago even though I know it didn't. I can remember it so vividly and I'm scared I'm going to lose the memories. The way he smelled and how particular he was about his hair. Mom gave him a haircut yesterday and I said, "grandpa, mom's trying to give you a mohawk." And I know he heard me because his eyes got real big like, "excuse me? She's what?" I just want him to look like what I remember him as. I love my grandpa. If he had known what was going to happen he would've wanted someone to shoot him. He can't control anything anymore. His arms, legs, his bowel movements....nothing. And if there is a God (and I'm pretty sure there is one) he's gonna get one hell of an ass chewing when I'm done grieving. And it's sad when he looks at my grandmother and says, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It wasn't supposed to be like this." For the longest time my mom and her sisters had been preparing for my grandma to go first because she's had some pretty bad health problems. My dad had been talking about building a ramp for my grandma to get to the house wth using the steps up to the porch. Who'd have ever though we'd have needed it for my grandpa?I've even reverted back to when I was still just a baby. I curl up in my grandpa's old recliner and just sleep when i'm over there. I don't know anymore.....

He seems like a lovely Grandpa.

God doesn't like it any more than you do.

He died this morning. Around 4 a.m. is what my aunt Kim said. My mom and my aunt Christy stayed with them last night. I don't know how it happened. I don't know who found him or checked on him and realized he was gone. I just know I was over at their house and it was wierd. I kept looking around as though I were going to see him come out of the bathroom and through the hallway to meet us all in the back part of the house but he never did. I'm not sure I can handle this.

I'm so so sorry babe, but at least now you know that he is at peace.

Things will be hard for a while, but I know you can pull through this.

Paul

so sorry cenfaith,but as diver said,he isn't suffring anymore,and one day we will all join him wherever you go after here.life is strange.we all come,we all go.i know you miss him,but the memories are sacred,and he will always be your granpa,and you his grandaughter.

I'm so sorry, cenfath.

Im so sorry cenfath. You and your family are in my thoughts.(((HUGS)))

Thank you all for everything. I'm saving my "break down" for after the funeral. I think I need to be strong for my family right now and just be there for everyone. So I'm going to try and be the wall. My Nana gave me the earrings he bought her (the first jewelry he bought her is what she said), one of his belts that has his name in it and I also have a lock of his hair which the last two are going into a shadow box so I can hang them up. People at work have been really great. My mom's work has been excellent...they all came over to my nana's house today and brought everyone food and stuff. They're just awesome. I'm writing something for the funeral and I'll post it here later along with the songs I'l be singing. I'll welcome any thought and/or opinions.