Hopeless and Tired Teenager

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Hey. I've been reading this forum for a while, but just signed up as a member today. After a drug overdose that resulted in a trip to the emergency room in my father's car (I'm sixteen years old) I saw a therapist who diagnosed me with depression and anxiety (which I already knew I was suffering from). She strongly suggested I take pills for this, but I did not. I am profoundly sad all the time and consider killing myself quite a bit. I absolutely dread going to school. When I wake up the first thing I think is, "shit, I don't want to do this again". I recieve mostly Bs, some As, and some Cs in my classes. To me it doesen't matter, I don't want to go to college to learn how to do a miserable job everyday like most people do. I'm a dreamer. I want to play music for a living. Recently, I got the idea to put out a magazine/newspaper type publication. This seems more realistic. The point is, I can't be working for someone else my whole life. However, that's what's expected of me. My parents tell me, "You can do whatever you want to do". I still feel pressure to get into college. Also, it's nearly impossible for me to make decisions and I have to sulk about having to do something for a long time before I actually do it. I have very little energy or enthusiasum for living. I love literature, but not when I have to take a test on it, or have to finish chapter 8 by Tuesday to be prepared for a dreadful class. In addition, I do not have a girlfriend. This truly bothers me. I want to fuck. I want someone to love me. There is this one girl who is so amazingly pretty that I get to talk to a lot every day. She has blonde hair and blue eyes that give me the sensation of melting inside. She also happens to be very sweet. This gal never fails to brighten up my bleak days. She kind of gives signals that she likes me too (or I may be wishing so so badly that I imagine so). Why don't I ask her out? I'm scared. If she says no I'll be SO embarassed. Even if she says yes, the relationship probably won't work out; she's too good for me. Also, I'm hiding my cigarette smoking and drug use from her. Plus, she won't have sex. But she is just so fucking amazing! Seeing her is what I look forward to. Another thing I like about this girl is that she is depressed too. Two days ago after she had asked me if I was going to prom and I said "no" she asked a good friend of hers out who was going to go all along. I wonder if she asked him because she likes him more or because I said, "I don't think I'm going; I'm a loser".My future sucks. I'll die before I take a "real" job. I just can't handle the real world. I'm overwelmed.

Why didn't you take the pills that the therapist suggested? I realise that most people would rather just go on living with their depression than asking people for help, but when it is offered to you it is the best course of action to accept it.and nobody likes things when they are forced to do it. Its a natural reaction to reject what we are forced to do.

Dude, you have got to take those meds. You are depressed, but you know that. Your post exhibited several textbook symptoms of depression. But it also had a bit of hope, didn't it. The whole bit about publishing a rag...that's awesome! That's not your future, that's your present, my friend. What can you do RIGHT NOW that is a step toward that?As for college, you can totally make that work for you. Sounds like a degree in journalism or graphic design or something like that would be right up your ally. If I were your psychologist, I would say 1)take your meds, 2)continue to be around people, 3)spend some time everyday doing something you enjoy (music, writing, etc), 4) take your meds, 5) continue to be around people...and 6)take your meds.Hang in there buddy. You'll get through this.

I can't take the pills. I never actually had them. I visited the therapist three times. She called my parents and said I should take pills and "he is in a serious situation". Well, my parents discussed this with me and we agreed that I would not be getting the meds. I never went back to te therapist after that (I guess my parents thought she was overreacting and I just agreed because I needed the conversation to end). So, it's not as easy as just opening the bottle and popping the pills. This whole drug overdose/therapist ordeal happened about five months ago. Now, there is no way in hell that I'm going to tell my parents (who are either ignoring my depressed attitude or unaware of my emotional state), "Actually, I think I'd like the medicine; I fell like shit everyday". It's too enormous of a thing to do. Too much stress, embarassment, and shame. Also, the idea of going to college is getting further from even being possible everyday as my grades slip as a result of being too sad and dead to do anything in school and a broken arm that makes schoolwork even more difficult and overwelming (even though my mom helps with writing my homework at home).

Can you see a school counsellor, or someone similar? A new person can help open things back up again and get everything looked at again.

I don't want to have any conversations about this with my parents. They would know if I saw a school conseler or began taking medicatin (obviously). Plus, I don't even want to see the school conseler walking down the halls after she knows about how I am. That would be awkward.

How would it be awkward for the councilor to know? S/he is a professional and everything will be confidential if you ask them. S/he would need to ask/tell you first if she was going to call your parents. And yes it might be weird having your parents know that you have a problem, but a moments awkwardness is better than a life of pain.

So you were diagnosed as having depression and were prescribed medicine to help you but you didn't even get the script filled cause your parents talked you into thinking you were over-reacting and now you're still depressed and don't want to take medicine or see a counselor.How's that working out for you?Not very well, huh?I think somewhere inside you, not too far buried, you've got some pretty healthy strivings. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting here, no? What you're going through now is inconvenient, but not the end of the world. I think you've got a helluva future ahead of you, if you could just see beyond the dark cloud you're sitting in.As for the counselor, she may very well contact your parents and let them know you are seeing her, I don't know. But normally counselors, even in schools, have confidentiality agreements, which mean they won't share what you say to ANYBODY unless they think you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. I agree with Ineligible. That could be your best first step to being able to break things down into manageable pieces and begin to move beyond them.One more thing...I was having dinner with a friend tonight and she reminded me of where I was this time last year. Horrible horrible depression. Couldn't even get up off the sofa. I was totally hopeless. Totally. And fearful of my future cause I knew it was gonna suck and I just wanted to die. Now here I am a year later and my friend Leslee told me I should buy a lottery ticket because everything seems to be going my way. I won't bore you with details, but it's everything I thought would never happen to me. Total opposite of last year. I'm just telling you that to say that there is hope and a future that you can't even imagine. I think it's worth hanging in there for that, don't you?

I had a discussion with my mom tonight. We talked about my problems with constant sadness and she is now actually urging me to get some medication for it.

This may be odd, but I am a little aprehensive about taking this medicine. I feel that I should be sad. The meds would only trick me into being happy and hopeful for a future that will probably be shitty regardless. It may also blind me to my important problems.

Also, I'm getting a tutor to help with math.

I have decided that I DO NOT want to go to college.

I'm slightly drunk right now so things are looking a little better.

The bottom line is probably this:
I should at least give enough effort to pass high school, and from there choose what I want to do with my life. Something good like putting out a "rag" (newspaper/magazine). Secondly, I should get on anti-depressants to prevent me from living in constant hopelessness and misery.

Is it really that simple?

In a way, it is that simple.The meds don't trick you into thinking anything. They basically correct the problem with your neurotransmitters that help to eliminate the toxic, depressive thoughts that are what is tricking you into believing there is no hope.Get the meds. Don't get too upset if you don't see immediate results cause you won't. It will take several weeks for you to feel the full effects.You're doing some good things. Kudos to you!Oh yeah...you might wanna lay off the alcohol when you start taking anti-deppresents.You're gonna do fine, my friend. Real fine.

I'd like to thank you all who have posted. I feel moved by your kindness and it is greatly appreciated.

Damien is right. Depression is an illness and no-one is "supposed" to have it. Taking medication for depression is like taking medication for any other illness - it's to fix something that's wrong.

I took medication for depression, mine was severe, and i know for a fact i wouldn't be the person I am now if i hadn't, take the medication, and then work on the problem causing the depression. The medication allows you to almost stand back and see things for what they are, while without it, the depression is just everywhere filling up your life and you can't see out.

They don't trick you.. they recognize the negative thoughts and challenge them

Take the stuff mateI was really cynical too but it REALLY can workThe way you are feeling is probably a chemical imbalence in the brain as was mineI found PROZAC to be the best, tho you may feel even worse during the 1st 2 weeksDont give upIts worth it in the long hauln hey hang aroundlife REALLY is a partyand you only get 1 invitehang in there!!!!

Hello. I got some meds today. 10 mg Paxil. Plus, I'll be going to counseling. Just popped the first one.

I'm glad you went to the doc and are seeking help.You're gonna do fine my friend.