Tricky situation

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My girlfriend is a tough nut to crack, she's a compulsive pessimist, and her family is an example of dysfunction if there ever was one. Things are going great, she says she's happy when she's around me, and we make out like crazy, but I feel like there's a few things that I need to work out, that are really keeping me from getting into this relationship.1) I don't think she's fully over her first major relationship. I knew the guy she was in love with before, he was my best friend untill I realized he was a complete and utter A-hole. I saw how he treated her, and I didn't do anything about it, because he was my friend after all. She fell deeply in love with him, but her mom wouldn't have any of his kind around her daughter, and pretty soon a restraining order was slapped on him. She says she's over it, she says she hated him, but I don't know, I think she still loves him. She mentions him alot, always remembering something about when they were together, and it makes me kind of mad, because I want her to concentrate on me and the moment at hand.2) She's given up on love. After she broke up with her ex, she's supposably gevin up on love. Today I told her I loved her, she told me not to say that, because love doesn't exist. Later that night I took her on a moonlit walk, we made out a few times, and once again the subject of love came up, and once again she claims that there is no love, and that she gave up on it a long time ago. 3) Now not to sound like an A-hole, because I really do love this girl. But I believe that in a lasting relationship, sex needs to be part of the agenda. Now I am trying to take things slow, because I do want to build a relationship with this person, but today when we whent on our walk she told me "its so nice being able to do this, and not have anything expected of you", she meant sex. Now I don't know, but I think thats a red flag for "your never gettin any". Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I want to try and take things further, but if I do, I brake her trust in me. Oh by the way, I'm 17, she's 16.Thanks

1. It doesn't sound like she handled the break up very well. Its kinda obvious that she still thinks of him, even if he treated her badly some girls just overlook those kind of things when they think they're in love.2) Typical teenage overreacting. She is upset over her past relationship and now that its over and she lost someone that she believed that she loved, she doesn't want to open herself up again to being hurt. That, combined with the moodiness of a 16 year old girl, gives you the overused phrase "Love doesn't exist".3) Well, she is only 16. Is she still a virgin? Are you? How long have the two of you been going out? You can't expect sexual activity to happen, some people need to really know someone for a while before they can do that. And even then they can be quite apprehensive.

She's not a virgin, but I am :blush:

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin.

Well just because she has had sex before, you can't expect it from her. She is still young and I wouldn't be surprised if she has realised that. If you love her then sex should not be an issue. There is nothing wrong with wanting it but if you start basing the worth of the relationship or how you feel about her on if she puts out, then you will seriously need to reconsider your feelings for her. Sex does not create or strengthen feelings that you have for someone.

I really like her, I love being with her, but her past experiences have gevin her a rather undesirable reputation, everybody asks me "so when you gonna hit that" I get pretty pissed off, I even fought a guy cause he called her a hoe. She's the sweetest, most beautifull person I have ever met, and I should be perfectly happy, but I'm not.

Trust me, sex isn't my main priority, but I'm starting to feel that if we never take that step, where will the relationship go?

Well are you actually interested in having sexual intercourse? Cause there are quite a number of steps before that.And just out of curiosity, how long have the two of you been going out?

Well we've been going out for a couple months now, but I've been very close to her for about 2 years before that. I've never felt this way about anybody before, she's amazing. I love being around her and I love what we have, but I want to take things further. The problem is that she's in this sort of comfort zone around me. I'm a romantic guy, I always try to make her happy, and I try to keep sex off the agenda, so she has gotten to the point I think, where she doesn't expect me to want to have sex, and she's perfectly happy with that. I don't want to violate that comfort, or her trust, but if there's anybody I would like to lose my virginity to, it would be her.

Well it may be a possibility that since you try to keep sex "off the agenda" that she assumes that you are not interested in it yet, so therefore hasn't mentioned it either.

I want to talk to her about it, but I'm afraid to turn her away.

You won't turn her away, as long as you don't be a dick about it. Be mature and explain that how you feel.Altho I stand by my original opinion. Sex isn't extremely important for a relationship, it atleast isn't something to base your future together over.

Ok so lets drop the subject of sex, there's something far more important to talk about. My girlfriend has been hurt in the past, so many times, and taken advantage of so many times, that she says she's completely given up on love. But I havn't! In fact I think I love her, but if she's never going to love me back, then whats the point of continuing the relationship? I think that she might love me, she calls me when she's sick and asks me to talk to her untill she feals better, she usually initiates the kissing and cuddling, and she seems to smile when I'm around. But I don't know, I just don't think she feels the same way about me, as I do about her.Then she dropped a bomb shell today, she told me she wanted to go swimming, and that she was going to go to another guys house to go swimming, I know the guy and he's a complete jerk, I know she fooled around with him before sexually, and I can't stand the though of her being with him. The problem is that me and him arn't friends so I wouldn't be invited, sounds like the setup for a disaster! I'm not a controlling boyfriend, I don't care when she talks to guys, but I know this guy is a jerk, and I know what he'll try to do.

I'll say this now, jealousy and suspicion only lead to bad things. If you love this girl then you must trust her. From what you said I would say that she definately has feelings for you. Just because she says she does not believe in love anymore it doesn't mean that she can't feel it. Just be there when she needs you, show her that you trust her and that she can trust you. She has been hurt so many times before, it is up to you to let her know that you won't do the same.

I don't know, I'm really confused right now. I should be happy in this relationship, but for some reason I'm not. Today several people told me some stories about her, that really got me rather disgusted. They said that she had sex with two guys at the same time, for a 16 year old girl to do something that bad, It well leaves me just a little disturbed, and to know I kissed this girl. I shouldn't have these thoughts, I shouldn't believe these people, I tell myself it's all BS, but deep down inside I believe every word. I don't know, she is the most beautifull person I have ever laid eyes on, and I thought I loved her, but I just can't get over the idea that she has done things like that with people I know.

There is a possibility that the stuff they told you is true, after all you told us that she had a disturbing past. That part of her is probably something that she is trying to forget. She seems happy with you, she can see that you are different from all the bastards that she probably had to deal with in the past.

Her past may be something that you are shocked about but just imagine how she must feel about it. She is probably trying to put it behind her and you seem to be helping her do this. Acting weird about it all now can only do harm and if you love her you can't do that.

Knowing what I know now (if it's true) I don't think I could ever think of her the same way, I guess all I can do is try and accept her as a changed women, and hope it wasn't true.

I still keep coming back to the fact that she seems to hate herself. Nomatter how much I commpliment her, she still seems to think she is garbage. She doesn't seem to want to let herself fall in love again, and I just don't know if I can love a person who doesn't love themself.

She probably feels like crap because she knows that if you found out about some of the things in her past, that you would be thinking about her in the exact way that you are thinking about her right now.

I really wish I had never found out, atleast my mind would be at ease.

Its good that you found out, cause now you can talk to her about it. Tell her that you have been told something about her past that you don't know is true or not, but that no matter what you still love her.Its better for her to know that you are aware of her past and you are ok with it and still feel the same way about her, rather than her hiding it and being afraid to tell you, preventing a level of trust from being in the relationship. But for this to happen you must realise that what happened in the past is in the past, it is not the same girl anymore.

I'll try talking to her about it, but I'm afraid that if she confirms my suspicions, my mind will never be at ease.