I thought this was sooo funny!
On How to Pill a Cat:
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Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
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Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
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Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten. -
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
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Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. -
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. -
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw. -
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid
to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap. -
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. -
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back
on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom. -
Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil-wrap. -
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open
with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and
pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. -
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
store on way home to order new table. -
Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters or fish.
How to Pill a Dog:
Wrap it in bacon....
