IF EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT READ THESE JOKES.
And definitely don't complain to me. I have given plenty of warning!!!
Here you go LAST WARNING!!!
Feel free to discuss the particularly wrong and disgusting ones, and I will welcome any joke contributions.
Having failed to get a job after school, a local fcukwit is placed on a YTS scheme: he gets a position in the local morgue. After several weeks of being closely supervised as he washes and prepares the recently departed for viewing by relatives, he is eventually entrusted to work on his own.
20 minutes later he comes running into his boss's office, out of breath and white-faced. "Boss, you gotta come quick: there is a woman on the slab downstairs and she has a prawn up her fanny"
"You what? If you are winding me up or lying to me you are fired!" responds the boss as they head down to the cold-room. The young lad pleads that he is telling the truth, and when they reach the slab, he pulls back the white sheet to expose the corpse of a beautiful young lady; a tragic victim of a car crash.
He points to her vag and says "there it is!". The boss examines the corpse's axe-wound.
"You stupid boy! That isn't a prawn, it is a clitoris!"
"Oh!" says the lad.... "Well it tastes like a prawn"
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer
look: "That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. 'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.' The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'
Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ...
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred. His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.
How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Piece of cake.
What has 8 legs and makes girls scream?
What's the best thing about kinky sex?
Wiping the blood off the hammer.
What is the worst thing you can say to a woman?
"Don't let this rape turn into a murder."
What do a bungee jump and a Diseased Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool
and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"!
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind that you
should know five things:
First - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell a Blonde
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,and declares, "Nah...Not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Smile
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.
LIMERICKS FOR THE VERY UN-PC
Little Miss Muffet
Wanked on her tuffet
With a dildo the size of her arm
Along came a nigger
Who's c0ck was much bigger
And did her some permanent harm
Mary had a bearded clam
she really was a hotty
everywhere that mary went
she let strangers drill her botty
A horny young bloke called Dave
Dug up a prostitutes grave
She was mouldy as shit
And Missing a tit
But think of the money he saved...
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a fuk
But jack came running down the hill
because Jill wouldnt suck
Mary liked a bit of dick
Her butt was made to fit it
Then one day, her ring gave way
Now her hoop's the size of a bucket!
There was a man from Hocket
who was blasted up in a rocket
the force of the blast
sent his balls up his arse
and they found his dick in his pocket!