hi guys i am new here i dont want to talk about my problems neither with my parents nor with anyone else. i think its best if i ask here.I am a 17 years old male just finished 11th grade in high school.i dont know how to define myself because i am a very moody person. Sometimes i am happy, open, friendly but sometimes i feel very depressed, down, shy, closed. I am mostly open with friends but that is very rarely because i only have few friends mostly of which i dont want to be friends with. With some people i can talk about everything that comes in my mind and with some i cant stand nor can get into any discussion. The fact is i am very lonely person. Wherever i go out with friends, family i still feel lonely, not important. I am not an emo but i feel sometimes i really want to give myself pain whcih i do by hitting myself on hands, face i sometimes hit my head on wall i have even hurted my hand few times hitting it off the table. I just think that self punishment will help me with the wrong things i have done with my life.But i cant get really happy sometimes. I laugh alot, i like going to concerts, gigs i can talk about anything with someone but thats just the fake me because only few things make me happy in life whcih i dont know what it is. i am not a regular smoker but i think i want to start, i also sometimes know to drink alot of alcohol and get drunk because at those periods i dont want to think about my problems. I dont take drugs but i have tried weed only few times. I dont have a specific goal in my life. I dont know who the really me is about and what is that me supposed to do with his life. The point is i had a really fast childhood whcih was filled with unhappy and happy memories. In primary school they made fun of me alot just because my first teacher was bitch and i still think she ruined my life. I have a developed fear of children and teens on my years and i feel like everytime they look at me they will start making fun of me. I dont have this fear with those i know but only with those i dont know.When i was little i always felt i would help people when they need help and you would recieve the same help from them but turns out not to be like that. Now i cant care about other peoples problem seeing that i cant get their help back. I am a nice person and i would never hurt anybody and beause of that i am used for all kinds of stuff.My parents at home changed me alot these years. They constantly and constantly argue, shout at eachother about all kinds of stuff. My father is shouting all the time at all of us. Even if you do a small problem he would shout at you. My mom is different case. She wants to have everything like she wants to be or she would start saying stuff u dont want to know. My sister (who is 21) has also changed alot. She also shouts at me alot for all kind of stupid stuff. I feel like i am commanded at home to do them like they want to. I have also started to shout alot and i cant change it. what i hate the most is that i am the one who is rarely right about everything and who always gets the blame. My mom is also very changed. She was smoking years ago but stoped and now she smokes again. She looks at my father like he is a mortal enemy. What annoys me most is that she wants me to take side with her that she forbids me to go anywhere with my father if i have to go out with her. I dont want to take sides anymore for chirst sake. I have told them that many times but no they wont lissen. In fact if i tell them anyhting about my problems they would go make fun of it.I also want to admit that i am a computer addict and i rarely go out of my home just because of it. I feel that 2 hours without my comp makes me usntable, mad, depressed.The fear i told you about of having with other persons around my age i do have it alot. I feel like if i see some teen i dont know mostly in groups i want to evade them even if i have to cross the street. Sometimes when i go out with a friend and we go somewhere where they are other people who are friends with him and i dont know them i feel like i want to go home and i dont want to stay there whcih i do in most occasions.I have never had any gf's in life i am straight btw. There is one girl i know since i know of myself. I started to like her alot but she has also changed alot (She even has started smoking). I dont think i can ever have feelings for any other than i have for her. I cant stop thinking about her for past 2 years. everytime i am around her it gives me energy and reason to like life. But she always keep talking about how she likes other guys. I know she is a perfect match because we always have something to talk about, we both like same things. But i dont think i can ever have her. Maybe i am a fool maybe i am a coward but i cant never let her know about it. I dont see her alot and two times i wanted to go out on date with her she refused. I even wanted to give her a free ticktet to a concert last week but she didnt want to come. I dont want to mention how much in fight i have gotten to get that ticket for her. I dont think she would ever want to see me after she learns how my life is and how coward i am. I still think i live this life because of her. I dont know how would i react if i learn that she is dating someone else.What i am asking in my life is what am i supposed to do when i finish high school. I dont want to live a fake life i am just not sure about what i want to do with it. The time untill now is gone and i know i cant change my past nor i cant change the life i am living. I constantly see my future to be of a lonely person who has nothing to do in life expect sit home and hide from the world. I think that my parents are those who want to make my decissions because they constantly bug me things to do i dont want to. I always imagine myself running away from home runnign away from the life i live now and go somewhere else. start a new life change everything i have done but i cant do that. I cant leave my family i cant leave my home. When i am at home and when i close my door that is how i feel save and hidden from the rest of the world. I think i am a hopeless case. I know it because everyone tells me that. Is it that i care about others, that i am always trying to be nice, friendly, good with others, that i want to have friends, good life, that makes me a terible person? Do i really have to be a bad person, treat people unfairly, not being friendly, make fun of others, beat other people, make their life misserable so i can survive in life?I dont know if it was a good idea to post this but i had to. I cant talk to anyone i know about it cause i know they will make fun of it. I am sorry that i have written about it but i wanted to let it out myself already.
Most people that arent happy with thier lives wish they could start all over again. But that 17 years is over now so you need to make the most of the time you have left, not spend it blameing people from the past changing you. If i were you i would try to trust people more, if you dont trust anyone you will not get anywhere. And you shouldnt worry about living a fake life because your life is yours so it cant be fake.Lifes like a game of poker, youve just got to play with what you have even if you must sometimes take risks.
Thanks for posting, anoldfeeling, and welcome to AfraidToAsk.I know how corrosive to the spirit it can be to have everyone arguing and shouting. Even though it's the only place where you feel safe, I recommend you get out as much as you can. Try to do things with other people so you start to feel the support of other people. That will help you to find yourself as an individual human being.
This sounds all to familiar. You basicly describe a good portion of my life. My advice would be to get out into the world. Youth organazations are a great place ot meet new people. The key is to never give up. To this day I only really have 1 friend... I finaly got rid of the so called friends that were "using" me for other things they are just poison to you. I met a girl in a youth organization that is now my GF and was my first in many many years. I spend time with her and my friend and I am a lot happier than I was trying to pretend that these other idiots were truly my friends. As for some of the other things like inflicting pain, smoking, drinking, etc. try to stop, get some assistance from a professional if you need to but trust me removing these things from your life will make things much much better. Evan if you don't have any true frinds, find a hobby that you can do on your own and do it(i.i biking, hiking, computers, reading, charity work, flying, paintball, chess, whatever just find something you enjoy doing) a lot of time it will just open more doors and you will find yourself on a path the you are enjoying. It is important to remember that things are not going to happen overnight, it can take time to change, months maybe evan a couple years but never give up. Find an occupation that you enjoy and do that. All these things that can occupy time and help you improve how you feel.That would be my advice to ya. Good Luck!