Well iv got this far and im already asking myself why am i bothering. Why bother to post this. Why bother with anything.Iv just about had enough of life.Im 23 and if feel as if im nothing.I Feel as if it should all be over.I feel... ah f ck it... No i dont feel anything. I dont feel anything anymore.Again.I cant be bothered anymore again.365 - 1 year. 1 year ago i felt alive. I felt things i had never felt before. Yes, over... a girl.Well one year on and i find out after all the efort i put in for her she would of never of gone out with me because of the color of my hair.She wouldnt go out with me because of the color of my hair.Shes deaf.Since shes said that and we have basicly moved given up talking to each other (when i say talking i mean texting and MSNing, cos we never really speak face to face.. yeah thats another thing she doesnt want to be seen takling to me). Anyway.. since then people have said just find someone else but it just dont work like that. She was the first girl iv liked (loved).But i know that today we live in such a time that looks is all that people go on.Let me explain further.Not including the last year i had done nothing but play computer games for the last 7 years (no, no other gfs, nothing)I decided to get out of my rut. I lost weight and got fit (was going to gym every day). I got contacts instead of glases. I got new clothes. I changed my diet (got rid of my Acne), learnt to cook. I learnt to drive (test in a couple weeks...if i can be bothered). I fixed something else that is mentioned on these forums (thx to the advice given here).I didnt play a single computer game.I wanted to be with her.I still think about her more than anyone else in my life.I thought i was getting over her. I thought i was.People said "just find someone else" . Well it dont work like that in my eyes. But ok i was willing to try.Now because iv done nothing but play computer games for the last 7 years i had lost most of my RL friends (instead having friends spread across europe online).But i have taken all invites given to me by my housemate and friends at work. Work is where i know just about everyone from. Even her and my housemate.However things just never happen.So i dont go out much even tho i wanted to. I wanted to find someone else. Because i wanted to feel for someone else what i had felt for her.But something really small. Something really petty totally f cked me off a couple of Saturdays ago. Because it wasnt just that it was everything else too. Everything else that just pushed me over the edge.It took me about a week to come back up from that and during that time i thought about everything. And having felt like there is no point in anything from about the age of 8 and suicidal from probably about the same time - my thought processes when on suicide most of that week.So why do i think this again now. Well like i said its the world we live in these days. Everything is to do with how you look. Well i know now that even tho i spent almost a year trying to get to know someone some more and to try telling them i liked them. And in the end its still the color of my hair. And thats what people will always see first. But it aint just the color of my hair. Its every inch of my skin too.So whats the point of trying to go out when i know people will just judge me in the first second. I dont drink, so i dont get any confidence from that, altho the friends i was supposed to go out with were supposed to be trying to get me drunk, but that never happened like everything else.(I also dont smoke or do drugs). Also i think now that there is no point me bothering cos if someone does like me the'll let me know. But no one does or will so there we go no point in bothering anyway.But if you think thats i then its not there are a lot of other things i hate about myself. Most of which cant be fixed, and its just all those things that make me feel like sh t and i cant be bothered with anything.Iv already been back on the computer games. I cant be bothered with the gym anymore. Im giving up on the healty eating. Im turning down invites to stuff. I just go back to sleep after work or just lie down on the bed and think about it all some more. I cant get anymore work (critical to not having to move back in with parents which is a big suicidal factor)Im only continuing to learn to drive so i can get a car and kill myself with it.Most of all i think im beginning to lose my mind because i see things i havent consciously thought about seeing. And iv kinda had enough of people telling me all the usual sh t.Someone tell me something different?Theres no room in this hell. Theres no room in the next.
-
I think id love to die
-
Hair color? Either she's actually crazy, or she doen't want to say what's bothering her. Who knows what her real deal is? Relationships end all the time when one person wants out. It's a sad thing for the other person, but eventually they need to move on.> cos if someone does like me the'll let me knowIf every (straight) guy had that attitude, most would be single forever.Dude, you are deeply depressed. A magical relationship isn't going to fall into your lap and fix everything. You need to seek find help, whether it's a doctor or a counselor. Depression isn't a rare or weird thing, but it needs to be addressed. Sitting in your room and playing video games isn't going to get you anywhere.
-
gz dude... well i cant say that i know exactly how you feel, you and I are similar tho... my past 4 years have been pretty much just been video games, bad food, being alone, and and all that. and like u i gave it all up for a girl...but im going back to my old ways now... i HATE video games... but im playing them... wasting my life away and wanting to die.... i cut my wrist a few days ago also for the first time... so... just letting you know theres sombody else like you... because i feel totally alone all the time, and i want to know theres sombody out there like me
-
I am 21 yrs old and have never had a gf. I want a relationship more than anything, but it is definitely not worth killing yourself over. Nothing is.I have struggled with depression for three years. I used to use computer games as an escape myself (huge RTS gamer). I am currently in counseling and making progress, and advice you to do the same. My depression has blocked me from making any new friends during college, and I am having to start all over too. It will be a long and scary process, but almost everyone has to make friends all over again at some point in their lives.My 15 year old sister commited suicide. She would have graduated this year and we probably would have went to college together. Things do get better...let the thought of this girl go and make th changes for you.
-
okay, i admire your iniative. you improved your appearance and worked out and got contacts. that shows real ambition that id hate to see wasted.the girl you're after sounds like a shallow whore. trust me on this, even if you two got together, she would cheat on you. not because you fall short in any department, but because girls like that get bored of one guy really quick and sleep around. and that would make you feel worse, like you had wasted your time.look man, you need to get out of your emotional rut. you have worked too hard to just kill yourself. thats stupid. what you feel now is depression, but see a counseller, go out and meet people, and if your hair color is that bad just dye it. seriously, its like 4 dollars for a bottle of temporary dye at a pharmacist. you can even get your eyebrows dyed at a beautician.
-
Like Steve said you can't go out waiting for a relationship to fall on your lap. You say you don't have the confidence to just talk to girls without drinking, that doesn't matter! Confidence is a load of bullshit, most people who appear confident are as insecure as the rest of us, they just know how to APPEAR confident. Just go out there, talk to girls, be forward. You will try and most likely fail often, but all it has to do is work once and you've found yourself a relationship.You've done a lot to get your life on the right track, all you have to do now is just do that last little push.