yeah, i'm sry if that sounded cold and lame.
-
Why am i doing this to myself???
-
We meet again in a different forum. I have to say, I think some of what you've said here answers some of the other questions I've seen.I'm not going to apologize for writing a lot, but I'm going to try to give you a couple things to contemplate at the end of this.Two major events in my life: I lost my father when I was 12 to a stroke (not looking for any sympathy, but thanks), and I had a woman I loved die from cancer 4 years ago (still not looking for sympathy, but thanks again).While putting together a memorial service for my late girlfriend, I came across two poems in some poetry books I have. The first I presented to the assembled audience as I how felt about her....the second I let stand as what I believe she would be telling us, if she could. I hope you take the same comfort from them as I did...Nothing Gold Can StayNature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold.Her early leaf's a flower;But only so an hour.Then leaf subsides to leaf.So Eden sank to grief,So dawn goes down to day.Nothing gold can stay.----Robert FrostSong of MyselfSit a while, dear son,Here are biscuits to eat and here is milk to drink,But as soon as you sleep and renew yourself in sweet clothes,I kiss you with a good-by kiss and open the gates for your egress hence.Long enough have you dream'd contemptible dreams,Now I wash the gum from your eyes,You must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light and of every moment of your life.Long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore,Now I will you to be a bold swimmer,To jump off in the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, shout, and laughingly dash with your hair.-----Walt Whitman<>
-
i dont think it sounded cold and lame. its true what you said.
-
wow...those poems are beautiful. im going to apoligize for your loss anyway. it must have been so hard. i really dont know what to say. i really look forward to your replies on my forums :smile: i love reading long answers. i just find it so hard to accept the fact that hes really gone..you know what i mean? it hurts so bad. and its not like i have many friends around here to actually comfort me. there too caught in their own little world. (they are VERY self centered). i just feel that the people that i am normally close to are being pushed away. its like, i want them to understand whats wrong,but i dont want them to be there...its just so damn hard to explain. like,i used to be realy close to my bf,but now i dont even like him hugging me or anything. im always pushing him away and i hate it.
thank you for your reply. it makes me feel appreciated. and i hope your feeling better :smile:
-
I'm glad you like the poems. And thank you for the sympathetic wishes--it's still appreciated. Fact is, I'm actually engaged and I'm feeling fantastic. I loved my late girlfriend very much, but it turns out she wasn't the love of my life....something I never would have believed, had someone suggested that to me while she was alive.Love is tough....especially when one person loves more than the other. However, right now you're going through a really hard patch and you should decide who you need to have with you in it. The fact that you're pushing your boyfriend away suggests--to me, at least--that you don't believe he's the person that can really understand what you're going through. If that's the case, then all the rest of your questions about him are already answered. I'm not going to bother playing the other side of that coin, however, because you seem intuitive enough to answer that for yourself. I guess what I'm saying--and God, I hate cliches--is listen to what your heart is telling you. If you don't want to be with someone in a time of need, then you don't. Period. And one more thing: don't feel guilty! A very wise person once told me that guilt is a useless emotion and she was right; all guilt accomplishes is making you feel bad...it can't change the past...it can't change what is, or what you're feeling about what is or what may have been. I'm an honest believer in the concept that no one should worry about what can't be changed...all we can do is look forward and not repeat yesterday's mistakes.Does that help at all?Oh, one final thing....I don't know your beliefs, but there is a book that a friend gave me when my late girlfriend died that helped me tremendously. The book is titled "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian L. Weise, PhD.
-
thank you so much for your help :smile:. i will try and get that book if it is in my area. i know i shouldnt feel guilty. but i do. and then i feel guilty for being guilty...its so annoying.
but thanks anyway
-
Library? Amazon? Barnes & Noble?
-
ah right. i shall try
-
Hey, girl! How ya doing, today? Better, I hope!Yeah, guilt is a tough one....that's one tricky freakin' emotion. A lot of other emotions you can see coming: love, anger, happiness, etc, but guilt almost always sneaks up on you....the fucker!Once again, I'm forced to fall back on a cliche--we old people tend to do that a lot when our minds fail us--but everything takes time. Honestly, when my late girlfriend died, I can't even tell you how many nights I spent crying myself to sleep and wishing I could die, too. I never thought that pain was going to go away, but eventually, it did. However, I should mention that I did see a grief counselor who helped me work through it all...and I saw my doctor for some pharmacological help. Now, anti-depressants aren't the thing for everyone, nor are they the ultimate cure for grief, but they allowed me to keep functioning in my life so I could get up everyday without wanting to die as soon as I did. And that's the thing--going on.When Carla died, I was devastated. One of her friends even organized a 40th birthday party for her because she said Carla was not going to get out of it....I thought that in pretty poor taste, myself, but it was the friend's way of saying goodbye, I guess. Personally, I just got really drunk--another thing I don't recommend for the grief process, as it really doesn't accomplish a thing since alcohol is a depressant itself.I guess what it comes down to is that we all do things our own way and what might work for one may not work for another. I am sure, however, that your grandparents wouldn't want you to lose yourself because of this...there times were done and yours is still ahead of you....remember the Whitman poem!I look forward to hearing how you're doing!J.
-
im doing alrite today. i keep my mind occupied by my art. (i gave it up since everything happened back in november). ive decided to produce artwork (all original, from pictures i have taken from my camera), and sell them. its keeping me going i guess. yesterday, my mother,father and my grandmother all went to see my pops headstone. it was so hard. god. even then i held back my tears. i hate myself for doing it. i took a picture of it, and even then i find it hard to cry. i dont want to cry because then it will make me realize hes gone. and i dont want to realize it. so im avoiding the greif process i guess.
my grandfather always told me to keep at my artwork. he always believed in me. since all of his has happened, ive never got into it. but now im trying my hardest to make him happy. i would rather him happy than me. and knowing that he has faith in me, is giving me the strength to produce my art again. thank you for your help.
-
Hay, that sounds really good! How do you produce art from your photos? Do you paint from the images, or do you alter the photos, themselves, digitally? I'm really curious, because I've had photos adjusted in the past for a purpose and I've thought about making a business out of it. I'm not going to explain any more, here, because I'd hate my idea to be done before I'm ready, but I'd be willing to discuss your art and my own in a PM--and I have an idea for you that might help you....but possibly not...don't know.At any rate, I'm sorry you have to deal with the reminders--and I'm not sure where I got the idea that both of you grandparents were gone...believe me I wish your grandma long, long life and happiness, and I apologize for ever even suggesting that by accident to you at this time!Of to a different topic...please let yourself cry...it's necessary and, while it doesn't feel all that great at the time, in the situation you're in I guarantee you that once you stop, you'll feel better that you got it out. I wouldn't recommend it at work, however, as it may tend to freak customers out, should you have to deal with them Like I told you in an earlier post, I'm quite certain your grandfather wouldn't want you to lose yourself because he's moved on to a better place. There is no doubt in my mind his spirit is all around you...lose the grief and you will feel the positive energy!And I don't think I said this previously, but I look forward to hearing from you in your posts, as well J.
-
when my popa died i didnt feel too effected by it. when i went to his funeral , as i have a way of holding everything that makes me sad in till the last moment, i cryed so much, its was so embaressing and i felt so guilty becausei knew that his death wasnt the real reason i was crying, it was more a build up of everything...
then my uncle died and i didnt feel anything, that was awful cuz i felt bad about not crying over it...
death is a weird thing and every1 reacts different
good luck with ur art
oh and i know that nothing gold can stay poem, ive always kinda liked that 1
-
Frost is my favorite. Glad someone else appreciates him as I do!
-
i think its cuz of my 3rd form english teacher, she introduced us to lots of stuff and gave me a passion 4 reading. she was a great teacher
-
Years ago I wanted to be an English teacher....at the college level, because I only wanted to teach those who wanted to learn. Unfortunately, life just didn't turn out that way....but I love what I'm doing, now, so it's all good, 'cause I still get to make a difference in people's lives, everyday.
-
i produce art from my photos by taking them, then painting them. id like to know what you want to tell me,so pm me and let me know.as of you thinking that my grandma was still alive;one of them is (on my moms side - she is my late pops wife). however,my dads mother is the one who passed 3 days before my pop.(sorry if i confused you there). the thing is,i want to cry. but i keep making excuses so i cant.but yeah pm me and let me now what you think about my art and stuffthanks
-
thats exactly how i feel hun. everything jut keeps building up. the thing is,when my grandma died, i crie s hard at her funeral (ive neer been to one until he died). we (the family), all walked out and everyone stood for us. i got this sick feeling and just burst out crying. the funny thing is, i wasnt even that close to her. i was crying so much because i felt so bad that we werent closer. when my granfather died (we were VERY close), and barely even cried at the funeral. so yeah, i know what you mean.
-
Hey there! How's it going, today?What I really wanted to suggest doesn't require a PM, and someone else may have a better suggestion to piggyback on mine, or a better one altogether.What I was thinking--when I'd read that you'd taken a photo of your pops headstone--was that you alter the photo to make it a more positive image. Okay, I know that sounds a bit nuts, but here's what I had in mind: if the pic isn't digital, have it scanned and find someone who can Photoshop it for you, if you can't; change the color of the stone; add images that remind you of him and more pleasant memories; change what's seen in the background to a happier place.Like I said, it could be an insane idea--I've had those from time to time, but as it occurred to me, I figured I'd suggest it to you.As for finding excuses not to cry, well, I think you'll find that letting it out in small doses is better than when it finally takes control of you and explodes out. But maybe that's just the way it worked best for me.Hope you're doing well!J.
-
thank you. i would like to get that done to my pops picture. but i dont know how to alter it. its digital too..but im just not that smart when it comes to that stuff. id like to have it done tho. i want to cry...but i just cant...
-
i hate that. i can never cry when i want to. it just builds up till sum tiny thing sets me off and then ill cry 4 ages...often in an inconvenient place.lol
u will cry, give it more time