Why am i doing this to myself???

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Cycling moods (if that's what you have -- just a guess) might explain that. Maybe you don't let go until you're in a "down" cycle; you can't when you're in an "up" cycle.

i hope so. and i know what you mean. little things really get me going. but its not about my pop..and nan i dont think. im just so stressed out.

Well, that's completely understandable...little things tend to become huge ones when you have something like you have on your mind. My late girlfriend hated having her picture taken, but I have about 20 or so that she couldn't escape. When she died, I made it a point to sit quite often and look through those pics...they made me smile, they made me laugh and eventually I cried it out for the day. Little by little they just made me smile and laugh. I still miss her and will for the rest of my life--my fiancee notwithstanding (she was one of Carla's best friends), but I don't break down anymore when I think about her.

As for the photo of your pop's pic, I'd be willing to bet you know at least one person from school who's a whiz with computers and is propably completely conversant with Photoshop or other media applications. If not, I'll bet in your local phone book there's at least one company listed under "photo" that specializes in photo technology. That may cost you a few bucks, but it might be something to save up for if you really want to do it. My suggestion--for what it's worth--ask around your friends, first, then pick up the phone book.

My thoughts are with you!

J.

thank you very much for your concern. the only problem is that i dont really know anyone who is willing to help me with the photoshop :frowning: its really sad. im such a loser. id say it would have been hard for you to look at the pics..but im glad you can now.

Give me a break, you're not a loser. You're obviously intelligent, well-spoken, sensitive, caring, and if that's your pic as your avatar, you're very pretty, too. Ease up on yourself.I'll tell you what: sit down and write up a list of what you'd like to do with that pic. Once you have it--if you're willing--you can send it to me and I'll do my best to have everything you want done. I know a bunch of ridiculously geeky computer guys at work, as well as a really cool one who's a friend of a good friend and has helped me out in the past with a project for work. One way or another, we'll get it done!

thank you. that actually made me smile...and yeah thats me in my avatar. so thank you. i think i look pretty ugly tho (im not just saying that either. ive had issues with my looks for about 10 years).ill think of some things that i would like to have done with the picure. thank you so much for this. i really appreciate it. you have no idea.

You are very welcome--I'm a sucker for a pretty woman Lord, you have nothing to worry about with those looks...don't think twice about it. The world is your oyster...which I'm positive you will you realize in a few years....and God help the male half of the species when you do.Start on that list!I'll be offline until tomorrow afternoon, but will be back with you soon

awww your sweet hugsi hope i do realize it...maybe then i will actually try and look half decent. :S i will start on that list asap. thank you so much. ill pm you when i figure out what i want on it. its not an original headstone. its one that is flat to the ground..so its just the ground and the headstone that is noticeable. thank you so much. you made me smile today and for that im grateful

It sounds like your pushing away the greif cause it is so hard to deal with. That's a natural response, I did it myself. My best friend since childhood hung herself on the first day of June, 2000 and I only went to group therapy a couple of months ago, just couldnt face it before that. Couldnt believe after all that time there was still so many tears..

I read a book by a woman called Betty J Eadie called 'embraced by the light' a few months ago and it put me in the mindframe where I was ready for counselling. I advised somebody else recently on the forum to read that book, it did a lot for me, you should think about having a read of it.

Take care of yourself and good luck, xx.

By the way, I cant imagine why you'd feel insecure about your looks, you're actually very pretty.x

wow..i should really look for that book thank you for replying..maybe i should go to counselling or sumthing..

o hehehe well thanks..yeah i am ver insecure about myself...i always have been. its sad to say, but if i could i would change everything about myself.

You're welcome. Berevement is the worst type of pain, in my experience. It is the finality of it. At least with other types of emotional turmoil there is always the possibility things will get better, but when you've lost someone you love in that most final of ways you dont imagine things ever can get better.

Sorry for the lateness of the reply by the way, I dont go into the 'Depression' forum often, as I've been treated for depression on and off for nearly twenty years, first time when I was eleven, so I try to make it my business not to read anything that might possibly depress me, understandably, I think, ha ha!

Just telling it as I see it Actually, an in-ground marker should make it easier to alter in a lot of ways, so we'll get it done one way or another--I don't really think it will be too difficult, and I think the altered image could make you feel better...at least a little. We'll see when you get that list.Oh, and beware of octopi and starfish....multiple arms, you know just kidding, starfish!

Dats ok, I might look odd, but I can scratch myself anywhere, ha ha.

And our women love that....especially in public! :scream_cat:

Wow. Frost & Whitman!! Excellent. Ashley, I'm sorry for your loss, and it sounds to me like you're actually dealin wel with things. Like you're aware that you'e not grieving the way you expected to-- which means you're thinking about it. You'd be totally screwed if you werent thinkin about things, or pretendin you were a-ok. Losing family members iks really really hard. Even as you say the loss of pets can be hard. I've lost both parents, one fou years ago and another two years ago. I do think counseling is worthwhile sometimes, and it may or may not be for you, but you're on top of it and you'll do well. I wish you well.-Johnny

wow...ive never thought of it that way. i thought there was somthing wrong about me being aware of things. hmmm...now iv got some things to think about. thanks hunn XOx

Makes sense to me, too! Good post, JohnnyKi!

Im not gonna read the rest of the posts.. im just gonna answer here.. so if I say something thats already been said.. im sorry.The grieving process is different for everybody... nobody ever grieves the same way. Losing a loved one is the hardest thing ever.. trust me ive been thru it all too much. I think you need to stop thinking that what you are doing is wrong.. because its not.. im sure your boyfriend understands that you are having a hard time and maybe you should let him know that you need space. This might help you sort out your feelings and decrease the amount of stress you are going thru. If he loves you he will understand.. this will either make or break your relationship.. and maybe thats what you need.. because of this other guy. This will test your relationship and will guide you towards the right decision.Be safe and remember that nothing is wrong with the way you are grieving.