i dont know how many will read this coz its just kinda a rant and also it is very long. soz
I posted here a few weeks ago about my self harming, but things have been getting steadily worse.
I just don’t want to be at home anymore and I really hate having to get up and see people through out the day. I am currently in to exams, and I really enjoy them, well may be that isn’t the correct wording, all because for a few hours my mid has to concentrate on one thing and nothing else. The only other time that I am anywhere near happy is at night when I am all alone in the dark that I find so comforting.
I had just about given up cutting my self about a month ago and I thought that I was doing quite well as I had maintained my hard work and my high grades, but then my ‘friends’ had to go and spoil everything. I know that they didn’t do it intentionally but it hurt all the same. We were in class and chatting away about something pointless and stupid when my best friend brings up the conversation about self harming. I have never told any one that I SI. I didn’t know what to do or say. My friend picked up this pair of scissors and dragged them down her arm, not drawing blood. I turned away. About a week later the same thing happened again, only this time one friend suggested that she used the scissors I had in my pencil case. By this time I had begun to break down on the inside, but know one knew.
From there I felt so weak, and I began to get really depressed. I tried to talk to another friend online about how I was feeling but I couldn’t bring my self too actually say that I self injured, so I just dropped hints. If she picked up upon them then she didn’t say anything.
We are moving house now and so both my parents have become really stressed out and are always walking around in a huff. My mother frequently says “God! I hate life!”
I have noticed that I am becoming worse and I am beginning to become afraid of what I might do. I have begun to hate talking to anyone, taking every opportunity to draw the curtains and hide in my room in the dark. I have increased my cutting. I am eating less, and I have begun drinking alcohol (though only small amounts). The worse thing; no one has noticed, and if they have then they obviously don’t care. I want to know what I can do to try and help my self.
I think that one friend might have guessed that I self harm because she saw a cut on my hand and asked me about it. I said I didn’t know who it happened. Then she turned around and saw this boy with his hand in the air with a cross shaped but on his arm. I think she put two and two together. I don’t want her to know because I know that she will tell some one, most likely her mother, who then in turn will tell my mother. If she does that I think that there will be no returning point for me.
i just want other peoples opinions.
thanks every one
smiles i dont know what i would have done without you lot. i owe you all big time!
well you said you enjoyed being by your self... try that for a while... go out in your nieghborhood walk, jog what ever you want.. walk to your favorite shop or cafe... get something you really enjoy drinking or be adventerous and try something new... like i was goin throught trama and i just started running from my house to this one cafe called panera... they have the best frapochino's there i always get the carmel ones... their super good... or if you like smoothies go to jamba juice and enjoy a smoothie... just have fun with yourself... go outside rent a canoe and take a ride of the lake... or a paddle boat if you want lots of time
I'm a Pimp, BITCH, dont be shy, show me dem big tits...
with yo lip stick, smeared all ova my big dick
Well you said you like being alone at night... I'm like that too, I love being up at night ... I stay up for days at a time because I don't sleep at night because I believe sleep is just a waste of time... the night is so enjoyable and precious that I don't understand why people would even want to not experience it and not sleep... sorry, I don't really have anything to say to your post just thought I'd mention that I love the night too.
Still searching ...
find something you like doing, and do it
prehaps blow alot of money on something stupid like car audio
get angry, let it out
find some people / something that makes you laugh, and hang around them / do it
its almost working for me.
HUGS N CUDDLES::
Sweet Angel From Heaven * smiles*