Well, I could use some advice. One parent does not understand me at all. I have depression. She seems to think that depression is the kind of thing that you can 'shake off' and refuses to get me help because it would 'cost too much money'. That leads me to two possible conclusions: She considers my value less then that of the money it would cost to cure it, or does not get the fact that if she does not do it she will lose me. I prefer to think it is the latter, but either way she does not care enough to spend the money just to take away the worst pain in existance.We argue constantly, which furthers the depression. She will not carry on a sensible, civilized conversation about anything we have different views on.She keeps applying even MORE restrictions. Today I am informed I cannot keep my bedroom door shut at any time except dressing. What the heck? I've never done anything that should make her suspicious of me, except years ago and thats been over for a long time and was VERY minor.I cannot live like this anymore. The other parent DOES understand me. He says more or less to defy her, and to shut my door and lock it.Note: She does not beat me, if that is concerning you. (I'd like to see her try it!)Please advise me on what I should do. I am 16, but moving out under law is an option if court were involved, and I have proven on many occasions I can take care of myself. I am a working professional in one of the most profitable industries in the world, so money would not be much of an issue. I do not wish to brag, but I am also better than average at it, and have never been turned down in a job interview and have never been asked to leave a job, of over 5 jobs over the years, so finding a job quick would not be difficult. (This one is not paying enough for me to move out on my own)
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Parents Driving Me Nuts
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Get yourself amansapated (sp?)If your Mom's bossing you around and treating you like shit you need to get away from herYou said that you can take care of yourself so I suggest that you do itShe will just make you feel worse and you won't be able to better yourself if you stay in the same house as her
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if she knows you are depressed,maybe shes afraid that you will start cutting,and thats why she won't let you close your door.
if your dad understands you,you should talk to him about all this,and ask him to talk to your mom. -
I agree. It's gotten to the point of even hearing her coming up the stairs to the upper level puts me into defense mode and makes me close anything I'm doing which may be seen as 'fun', and open a window which makes it look like I'm working, programming (which she wouldn't be able to tell whether I was working on in reality anyway, she can decipher C++ about as easily as binary - which is to say she is completely mystified by it). It's like I'm worried she'll think I don't work enough. I already work so much I'm stressed out of my skull, at one point I worked 75 hours a week. That isn't right for someone who was 15 at the time.Yes, she knowsI have depression. Both he and she know. I have made it abuntantly clear. She just doesn't get the implications of it.Perhaps she is worried about cutting. That is something another member of my family has done before. I have shown ittle tendancy towards that though. But either way, I'm freaking 16, I need my darned privacy. Programmers have a brain function some do not or do not use, called flow. It lets them work at a very, very, very fast rate, but takes about 15 minutes or more to activate (by working and thinking only about work), and 2 seconds of the slightest noise or even my favorite song coming on can jar me out of it and frustrate me greatly. This happens cnostantly living with someone else, and my work productivity is impacted very much by it, digging me into work even further! It's maddening.I might also note that he is gone most of the time on business (lucky him), so I cannot 'hide behind' him most of the time either.A parents job is to nurture, guide, and strengthen a child until that child does not need it anymore. I not only do not need it anymore, but she is undoing the parenting she once did by cutting me down now. I think the time to end such a relationship is when the parent does not benefit the child anymore, much less the parent un-benefits the child.Please anyone else provide opinions or insights or even just talk on this. Talking is one of the things which can help the most.
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Your parents are not forming a strong unit, which concerns me that they have other parenting or marital issues. It makes me think that since your mom can't control her husband, she takes it out on you. Also... If she has less trust in you, do you think you contributed anything to that? I'm not talking drugs or partying, I'm saying, has she relied on you to do something and you didn't do it, or has she asked you a question and you lied to her, or have you been acting sneaky... Etc. If you do enough of that, your parents will stop trusting you.Remember, your mom is a human being. She is not purposefully making your life hell; she's probably doing that on accident because she feels so crappy. So maybe she is going through depression, or something like it, and expects you to keep going along, too. Or she may just not understand. Or you could sometimes be a drama queen (being a teenager tends to do that) and so maybe she just thinks it's you pulling another dramatic act.Do something sweet for her. Make her breakfast in bed... Clean the house... Clean her car... Buy her flowers. Or whatever you want to do. Don't forget to hug her, and tell her you love her! Giving your mom a nice random gesture when she seems so unhappy will really make things better between the two of you, I promise.
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at one point I worked 75 hours a weekAre you going to school? If so, how? Why do you work so many hours?
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A parents job is to nurture, guide, and strengthen a child until that child does not need it anymore. I not only do not need it anymore, but she is undoing the parenting she once did by cutting me down now. I think the time to end such a relationship is when the parent does not benefit the child anymore, much less the parent un-benefits the childPARENTS ARE PEOPLE, TOO! I don't get why kids don't understand that!!! They expect their parents to be a sort of God... And parents will always be your parents, unless you are adopted. There is no such thing as "ending the relationship" between parent and child. Are you kidding me with that?Good parents will realize that since you are gettin older, and will move out of the house soon, you will need to live more independantly.And don't give me the "I can't work with other people in the house!" Unless you are planning on becoming an unmarried hermit, there is probably always going to be people in your house, whether it's a roommate, or a boyfriend, a husband, kids, or even a pet... And they will be causing noise. So deal with it, you are learning how to live with other people.
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Well, she CAN control him. He has confided in me that he married her knowing she was a control freak and hard to live with, but thought he could change her. He told me after that he gave up. He more or less does whatever she tells him and does not argue anymore. Maybe she craves fighting, and since he won't give it to her she turns to me?Yes, I have contributed to that. She tells me to do things and I forget. It's not that I disobey, I just have a very absent mind and forget simple things easily yet remember the most complex things. I remember, for example, the percentage of people who have IQ's above 145 down to 2 decimals, yet do not remember to turn on the dishwasher if she tells me to. I cannot help it, it's just the way I'm made, but she blames me for it anyway. In addition, after so much restriction, at about age 12 I 'went rogue', and pretty much became the best 12 year old spy there was. If I was unable to get something from her, I snuck it from someone else and hid it. Nothing bad, things that aren't wrong but she might object to at that age, such as The Matrix. In addition, I had another identity online. I became somewhat popular under a name which I almost never use now, was leader of a top gaming mod, and many other things, and did some things I am not too proud of as well. However, since I was so good at sneaking it, she never found out and would not have if I had not confessed everything and told her, stopping the sneaking at age 14. That alone should have made her trust in me, and it did seem to.I doubt she is going through depression. She is controlling. Controlling people make themselves happy by making others sad. She is doing plenty of that. I am not in any way a 'drama queen', I say things like they are and rarely exadurate, and criticise others for doing so because I believe it is a form of lying.To be honest, the thought of doing something sweet for her makes me feel sick after all shes put me through. I used to tell her I loved her several times a day. Now I cannot remember the last time I did, but I do remember wondering if I was lying.
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I counted school in that, since I consider school to be a form of work. I did not mean to be misleading, if I was.By 'ending the relationship' I meant moving out, not losing all contact.
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Well, she CAN control him. He has confided in me that he married her knowing she was a control freak and hard to live with, but thought he could change her. He told me after that he gave up. He more or less does whatever she tells him and does not argue anymore. And you can't scrape up ANY sympathy for your mom, who is apparently married to someone who doesn't want to be married to her???? And who has a daughter that hates her?>Maybe she craves fighting, and since he won't give it to her she turns to me?Maybe she isn't strong, and she turns to you to be her strength. Maybe THAT'S why she refuses to believe you have depression. >I doubt she is going through depression. Funny, because she doubts YOU are going through depression, too. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, eh?>Controlling people make themselves happy by making others sad.Yeah, you still don't think of your mom as a human being. People want to be loved, and want to be liked. No one wants to be hated by other people, especially not their own husband or daughter.>To be honest, the thought of doing something sweet for her makes me feel sick after all shes put me through.Right. Sorry. I was trying to make your PERMANENT relationship better, but apparently a good relationship with your mother is going to be impossible. The idea is that if you kick start being nice to her, she will be nice back to you.
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That may all be true, ajmakoko, but 3DMapper is not going to be psychologically strong and confident enough to do what you're asking. I think there's too much emphasis in American culture on loving your parents no matter what. Anyone can be a parent, it's not very hard, and that includes people who are totally unfit for the job. It includes people with severe personality disorders, as 3DMapper's mother seems to be. People who are so widely hated usually are hated with good reason! Such people can be loved, but to ask their victims to do it is asking a lot.I think 3DMapper should get out as soon as he can.
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"Thou shalt honor thy father and mother" holds a lot of currency, but not all parents are worthy of honor.
3DMapper, I know that (less than) two years may seem like an eternity, but if there's just some way you can make an accomodation with your mother until you can leave for college (or whatever you plan to do), it might be the best course. I'm not sure what you can do with your mother, if she's that bad, other than tune her out.
It's not right that your father is using you as a pawn in his relationship with your mother. He's really not doing you any favor.
What made you spill the beans to her when you were 14? What were you hoping to get out of it? Couldn't you just stop doing what you were doing without the confession?
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In reply to:
Anyone can be a parent, it's not very hard
I have to asume, especially after the rest of your statment, you meant that any one can have a baby. To of menat different is a disservice to real parents the world over.
Its not easy being a parent, the money, diving the time to the job the kids the wife the house and still have anything left for yourself. Showing and feeling the love of the family, having children rip out your heart when they break a bone or doa face plant and not to mention that its shitty job, ungreatful children that never realize until they are parents themselves what you gave up to give them life and raise them. A really thankless job when your raising them.
I dont doubt that you meant what I said rather then what I implied you meant. I jsut hated to think of someone reading that and thinking its easy and doing soething stupid like getting pregnant at a young age thinking that they will get married and live happily ever after. -
That's true... And I KNOW about unfit parents... My aunt and uncle are, in the extreme. Don't get me started.
I guess I just questioned how off his mom was, because 3DMapper himself even said that his mom wasn't bad when he was younger... Presumably before his parent's marriage started to get kind of bad. Although, I don't think he should try to save their marriage... I was trying to get him to see it from his mom's point of view. But if he feels like he REALLY needs to leave, then maybe he should.
EDIT... For sex changes... Are you, 3DMapper, a guy or a girl? In my previous posts, I assumed you were a girl... I don't know. I'm sorry if I offended you.
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What you said in your earlier posts are true. He should consider those as wel.There are too many unfit parents! Maybe it's time for the government to decide who can be a parent before they couple have kids. Not social services.
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The goernement has to much say already in what its citiens do. Fuck the dictatorship you suggest.were you not off to do some research? maybe take a honest stab at making a worth while post for once?or did those plans fall thru?
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Very good points amiko. However:It's not that he wishes he did not marry her. He loves her. It's just shes hard to live with.That could well be.Very good point, thogh there is one bit of information I have not shared. She has been around only 4 people family-wise for years at a time, not counting her parents. All 4 have clinical depression. Seems like an odd cooincidence. Perhaps, though, its hereditary? Or perhaps she drives people to it. Who knows.Very true. It does not help that I stand up for what I believe no matter what, and won't let it slide if she asks me to do something which isn't right, etc. I stand up for what I believe, while stepping down would lessen the severity of it - however, then I would become like him, submissive. And I do not hate her, I just find it excrusiatingly hard to truly love her these days.I have tried that many times. I have tried beginnning the day with cheerfulness, but her tone is always 'I don't want to talk to you, nothings right anymore, leave me alone...' and I mentally cannot keep up the sugar for any longer.(by the way, I'm male, no offense taken, 52% of the human population is female)@steve: I do not know. I am trying, but as it is I see her for about 15 minutes total every day. I wake up, say good morning, feed pets, shower, occasionally eat breakfast, work on computer, often on work work, till lunch. Get lunch, eat at computer while surfing the web or reading a book. Work till dinner. Feed pets, eat dinner downstairs in dining room. Work till bed. Go to bed. She rarely sees me, but the time she does she tears into me and is slowly but surely driving me to do the unthinkable in just those few minutes we're together. She can ruin an entire day in 5 minutes. You really can't know until you feel depression.I do not think he's using me as a pawn as much as he's reacting the way he would naturally - hes submissive, I stand up for what I perceive to be right, nomatter what, and cannot let a lie or injustice fly. That is why we clash so much. It's just the way he is, and the way I am.I think conviction partly, and partly to earn her trust, ironically. Now that I am in the position I am I wish I had not told her and just stopped silently.
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Maybe the government wouldn't let bad parents as your self have kids period! Then more kids would have atleast satisfactory lives!
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Slight bit offtopic, any way the government discussion could be continued in another thread?Also, does anyone have any more opinions on this?
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Sorry.Is there constant fighting in your home?