'The Cutter's Nightmare'...

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I have a problem with self-mutilation, which i've been working on for a while now. But not everyone I know is doing so well with their fights. There is a poem I know that strikes home and makes me feel antsy. It's called 'The Cutter's Nightmare'.i cut just to escape my painsmall comfort when it's all too mucha shallow cut across my veinand no more hurt; it's like a crutch my fingers sliced and slick with bloodi should stop now, but i go onuntil i slip, and in a floodi'm pouring life, my control goneno one hears me screaming outi'm dying and i'm all alonei didn't even think aboutslipping and cutting to the boneyou didn't listen when i spokeand told you how i feared myselfyou thought that it was some sick joke?then take this guilt upon yourselfone little slip and it's the endi wonder- was i even real?was i there, or just pretend?i'm numb, and cold is all i feel.someone wake me from this dreamthis isn't real, it's just a liei can't be dead, i'm just eighteenyou know i'm WAY too young to dieIt's really frightening. I've felt like that before, been upset that no one takes me seriously, and scared that I might hurt myself. I'm also not the only 'cutter' I know. My little sister does it, along with many of my good friends. Even I could screw up, as many years as I've been careful. I can't be the only one who finds this upsetting... What does it make you think?

I honestly couldn't tell you why. My family thinks it's repressed hate issues involving my mother. I myself have no idea whatsoever. I didn't even start for any good reason. One day I dropped my boyfriend's mom's hand-blown crystal vase and freaked out. I was trying to pick up the pieces, and I was bleeding, and then I just picked a shard out of the pile and cut lines across my wrist. Ever since I've been unable to control it. The only thing I can do is try to keep away from sharps, but I've never cut with anything other than glass, and unfortuantely, that's easy to find. I've found myself in piles of gravel around Dumpsters before when I've had one of my blackouts. Back to the point, the answer to your question is that I couldn't tell you.

wow...i really like that poem.

hunn i know how you feel. i used to cut myself a few years back when i was going thru some hard times. ive cut myself a few times recently too. it helps relieve myself. its so weird and hard to explain.

im here for you if you want to talk.

Hey, I can't say I understand it--never done it or wanted to--but it's there and we have to deal with it.Okay, so you don't know why you do it...but you say you're little sister does it as well? First thought...how's your home life? And second: did your sister learn that behavior by watching you, or did she pick it up all on her own?

>hunn i know how you feel. i used to cut myself a few years back when i was going thru some hard times. ive cut myself a few times recently too. it helps relieve myself. its so weird and hard to explain.

im here for you if you want to talk.

It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I mean, we all know that, but it helps to hear it from someone who's been there, too. Especially since only a cutter knows what cutters feel. :smirk: (That's a half-smile, as opposed to as smirk. Different meanings.) Thanks for the support. People like you are the reason I'm not dead right now. :laughing:

>Hey, I can't say I understand it--never done it or wanted to--but it's there and we have to deal with it.

I will say, though, that you should watch out. I never would have done it either. To this day I don't know what possessed me to try. And anyone can start doing it. Just saying. Though I was especially high-risk. At least, based on this:

>>> Okay, so you don't know why you do it...but you say you're little sister does it as well? First thought...how's your home life? And second: did your sister learn that behavior by watching you, or did she pick it up all on her own?

Our home life was terrible. I'd rather not bring up old ills, but there is pleanty of reason for her to want to have a way of escaping, especially as she is still living with the source of our problems. As for why she may cut, we've lived together since she was born... I never cut in front of her, and I found out she was a cutter before she knew about me, even though I've been doing it much longer. Being sisters, and fairly similar, what drives me could be what's driving her. So it's entirely possible that it's because of our home life.

Out of curiosity, even though you've never self-injured, what does the poem do for you, if anything?

>>>Especially since only a cutter knows what cutters feel

so true. its weird to try and expalian whats going through ur mind when u do it or why or how hurting urself can make u feel better in a weird way. i think, unless urve been there, u couldnt possibly know.

as 4 the poem, i thort it was quite good but im not really a poem person. it put things into perspective. what if u did fuck up and u wernt trying to kill urself? scary shit.

can i make a small suggestion that u may or may not wish to try? i got over it by replaceing that behavour with another 1 that would also release pent up feelings. id recommend maybe when u get the urge to cut, going for a long angry run, run till it hurts and u cant do it anymore, or boxing could work 2. try sum other way of getting the anger out...just a suggestion, im no doctor but good luck

thanx hunn. i know i wouldnt be here either if it wasnt for my counselling and all that . it feels good to know that i made you feel better XOxmuch love to you ^.^

Ashley, you are such a sweetheart, and this forum needs more people like you.

Why do people cut themselves??

can i make a small suggestion that u may or may not wish to try? i got over it by replaceing that behavour with another 1 that would also release pent up feelings. id recommend maybe when u get the urge to cut, going for a long angry run, run till it hurts and u cant do it anymore, or boxing could work 2. try sum other way of getting the anger out...just a suggestion, im no doctor but good luckThat IS a good idea, and I do that. Walking was my preferred de-stressor, but I had to stop. Too many broken bottles to tempt me, and I'd usually give in. And every now and then I'd get dizzy from blood loss, or have a panic attack, or get lost, and then I'd be screwed. Then I tried making love to my boyfriend , and that's always a good one... But when I'm mad at him... The other thing I do is write. Sometimes stories, but mainly poetry. So at least I'm doing SOMETHING constructive, or rather, non-destructive. Now I've been thinking of getting a punching bag, because I think it might help out. I'm just waiting until I have enough $. Anyhow, thanks for the suggestion. It's definitely a good one. But I guess the reason that I'm still compelled to cut is because I don't do it as any old relief. It's like the supreme one. The release of all the hurting, that walking it off or writing or even great sex can't quite top. I'm sure you've got something that really helps calm you down... This is my escape.

In response to your question, PurpleStain, the reason that people cut themselves is not something you can just put down on paper. Everyone is different. I have never met two cutters with the same reason for doing it. If you want to know why someone cuts, you have to ask them. But in general, people cut because there is something they can't escape, and cutting is a temporary freedom from all that sucks.

So, cutting is a hobby?

aww wow!! thanx a bunch hunn your a sweetie too kisses

Not a hobby. More like an addiction. Like a cross between drinking and smoking. Habitual and addictive as cigarettes, but the same 'sweet oblivion' feeling as getting really drunk. It's a natural drug. Except that it's a somewhat more deadly habit than some.

Hey, afraid, there's a lot going on there and no one but you can choose the path. Truly, I don't understand cutting and probably never will, but I do understand self-destructive behavior all too well....I come from a long line of self destructors.
As for the poem, I'd prefer to discuss that in a PM, as I was a writing major in college and I'm a bit of a poetry snob...and I wouldn't want anything I said to be misconstrued between content and style...the content is WAY too important.

It makes people feel better and helps to relieve pain (inside)

I'm curious to know what you feel after the sense of release? As I told you before, I've only done that a couple of times and not in years. I think the reason it never became a compulsion with me was that I was filled, after the short-lived sense of release, with a much deeper sense of inwardly directed revulsion. I felt that mutilating myself had confirmed me as a weak person. There's no way I could have kept doing that because I despised myself for it.I'm wondering does the sense of release just tail off for you until you get back to feeling 'normal' or is it followed by any other feeling? If it's not followed by any sense of negativity that might have something to do with why it's possible for you to keep doing it.

Fighting Pain with Pain? What a world we live in!Whats next? Masturbating to relive hunger?

I'm curious to know what you feel after the sense of release?As I told you before, I've only done that a couple of times and not in years. I think the reason it never became a compulsion with me was that I was filled, after the short-lived sense of release, with a much deeper sense of inwardly directed revulsion. I felt that mutilating myself had confirmed me as a weak person. There's no way I could have kept doing that because I despised myself for it.I'm wondering does the sense of release just tail off for you until you get back to feeling 'normal' or is it followed by any other feeling? If it's not followed by any sense of negativity that might have something to do with why it's possible for you to keep doing it.When I cut, for a long time, all I CAN feel is release. Then I just feel drained and empty. I fall asleep really quickly after I cut myself. I like to, because for once I can sleep though the night without nightmares and crying. First thing when I wake up, though, I almost always end up with that self-loathing feeling. I feel like I'm nothing but a shell. An empty waste. I don't care. It never bothers me. I feel like that all too often as it is. At least no one is beating me down and making me say it. It's like some sick sort of way of asserting myself. "Here, bch. Check these out. I know I'm nothing. But only I can decide whether the world knows it! Now fk off!" I already know I'm weak. But to do something without her permission... To make myself feel as I want to... While I'm patching up, I feel puny and weak. But my cuts, to me, are battle scars. Proof of what I've been though, and survived. Just seeing the scars makes me feel stronger. I know it's sick. I'm working on it. Still, it'll probably never change. I've never seen a 'reformed' anorexic snacking at McDonald's. She may eat, but the thought of being 'fat' is still the subconscious terror of her existence. And likewise, even if I stop cutting, this damned unmarred lily-white skin will always be a symbol of my weakness and oppression in my mind. I feel negative, angry, once I'm sitting in a mess of my own blood. But for once, that hate and loathing is directed outwards. At its source. Not right back into me. Bad energy out, to be replaced by good, if I can still make that... Like yoga, gone wrong. (Oh, man, that's not funny)>Fighting Pain with Pain? What a world we live in!Whats next? Masturbating to relive hunger?Cutting doesn't hurt the body, only the mind. And when you've been through enough, it doesn't hurt that, either.And I did pretty well on my SATs in high school... If pain relieving pain is the comparison, wouldn't it be masturbating to relieve sexual frustration? And isn't that what it's for?

You still get physical pain.... and Scars! Who wants those?