'The Cutter's Nightmare'...

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therapy really is one of those things, it works for some and not others .

There's a HUGE variety of therapy out there though, so it'd hardly be the clever thing to try one form of it, have a negative experience, and give up.

Give yourself a break hon..............you sound like you're being really hard on yourself. Finding the person inside who you can love, with all the good bits and bad bits, can take time and be upsetting and unsettling to say the least. Only when you accept yourself for what and who you are will you be happy.I know and accept who and what I am. It's just that I am not someone I would let anyone I cared about be around. I know who I am, and I know where I'm going. I'd rather not go there, and so I am bitter and filled with self-loathing. I see the mistakes I am making, and am powerless to stop this destruction, powerless to break the cycle.>i dont know if u have ever tried this either writing something u have done in the past or something u think that cannot be erased on a piece of paper or a white/chalk board and writing every emotion underneath of how u feel about it and what u did after u have done this tear this paper into shreds i dont know what it is mentally but it really helps me to begin the process of allowing myself to live and let that thing die so to speak it might help.....I've tried that one before. I write until my hand hurts, until my arms hurts, until I have huge blisters on my fingers. Then I switch hands and keep going. When I have a big old stack of papers, I burn them. I watch them burn, and then I scatter the ashes. And then not only do I not feel better, but I feel empty, and naked, and violated. Not the best thing for me to do.>try to think of ur shadow as someone watching over you someone positive as for the side of you you dont like i know its not easy but one time or another you have to confront her curse at her in the mirrors if u want tell her how u feel and how u want her to be gone she hasnt done anything bad yet u said so stop her u are the only person who can do this but we are all here to help u !!!My 'shadow' (a great way of putting it) is not something positive. She is just me, with the small difference that I truly thought I could break the cycle and be normal. She embraces the negative. I hate her. And I'm afraid that I might have been her, subconsciously. I have made mistakes. We all do. But she will make the exact same mistakes that I did, except on purpose. Leaving me to wonder if I'm as innocent as I thought. I would be the only person who can help, if not for the small problem that I'm not entirely sure I can do that, either. But it IS wonderful having y'all's support.>You said "I make sure to cut where it can't kill or even hurt, and then regret it, wishing I had nerve"; Nerve is what it takes, not to kill yourself, but to to go on living when you want to kill yourself. This brings me back to what I said earlier about the necessity for changing your attitudes before you can change your behaviour. It is very apparent to me that you need to work towards a big-time attitude shift. It is only when those attitudes are erased that it will be possible for the behaviour to be altered.Right, but when I change my attitude, I find myself on a strange playing ground, and I don't know what to do. If I'm not negative and pessimistic, then I am helpless and vulnerable. And so being more cheery and loving life isn't exactly going to get me anywhere. It never has before, at least...>Suicide is not couragous, it is quite the opposite; it is the most final possible way of quitting, giving in, what is couragous about that??! And I say this as someone who has lost two people now to suicide.Is it not considered courageous to save someone's life at the expense of your own? Firefighters risk it everyday. So do soldiers, and police officers, and doctors who fight contagious diseases. I know that I am hurting people. I am taking their lives away from them, piece at a time. I think that is cruel and selfish. What matters more, the life of one miserable wreck of a creature like me, or the lives of many wonderful, kind, and loyal people who are forced to interact with me every day, thus being drained of time and energy? I think sticking around is selfish and hedonistic.>Strong people ARE NOT people who cut and kill themselves, strong people are those who possess the inner fibre to resist those self harming behaviours and work towards positivity in those negative areas of their minds.I am NOT strong. I just like to FEEL that way. I am just trying to be the best person I can, so at least for one day of my miserable life I can help someone else, make someone else happy. I can go without cutting, and without death, but only because I have no soul. Every day I'm here is a waste of someone's life. And I don't want to do this anymore.>From everything you've said I really dont think you are up to the challange on your own. I dont mean this in any sort of hurtful or demeaning way; what I'm saying is that I truly feel you need professional help in the area of behavioral therapy because while you are holding fast to the attitudes that you have I cannot see how it will be possible for you to stop harming yourself on your own.Would you consider therapy? (And please dont tell me you've been to therapy and it didnt work for you, cause if that's the case it was the wrong form of therapy)I had one therapist. It was MANY years ago. She was wonderful. Since then, I have not been in therapy, because I have read one too many psych books and I do not appreciate them so blatantly staring me down. I stare right back and proceed to do my best at analyzing all their weak points. I guess I do well, because I've never had more than two appointments with someone. I can't help it. I don't like people looking down on me. And I can't take the feeling of eyes on me any longer. SO I can't do therapy. My dear friend Rick told me something that has stuck with me. He said, 'You need help', and I reminded him that I have no health insurance. He told me to call 911, and when I heard sirens, to cut my wrists. Under the Hippocratic Oath, the doctors can't refuse me treatment. Therefore, I would be checked into the hospital and kept until I was no danger to self and others, and end up with a psychiatric evaluation. Then I could have a therapist, if I was the one telling her what was wrong. I'm odd like that. If a therapist won't let me tell them what i wrong, they can read the report and know I was right.

The comparison to firemen/soldiers/policemen dosent work. Firemen dont 'give' their lives, they 'risk' their lives and, unfortunatly, they sometimes lose them in the course of the work that they do. This is not comparable to the death of a suicide, which is deliberate by its very nature.Firemen employ the skill (which has its roots in common sense) of PUTTING OUT the fire before they enter the building; the polar opposite of the self-destructive behaviour of a suicide candidate. The two just do not equate. I could go on with examples of police, soldiers, doctors etc, but I believe I have made my point.I have the feeling we are going in circles here and could continue on like this indefinatly: the bottom line is, YOU are responsible for all the decisions you make in your life and all the roads and back-alleys those decisions take you down on the journey. And believe me, you will not become mentally healthy until you are really prepared to fight for it.

And I could repsond back by telling you that people LOOK for something to be 'wrong' with me, and the fact remains that I am perfectly fine. I'm just sick and tired of the 'moral obligation' I have to keep everyone else happy. You don't like the fireman analogy? Here's one that cannot be contested. Work. This is my job right now, living. I hate my boss, and I hate the work environment, and it's about time to move on. So I want to quit. And I'm not allowed. My co-workers like me, and I can be useful, and obviously, no one knows the exact same things I do. Why not stick around? Because this is my life, and I don't want to. Who's being selfish here, me, or everyone else? I'll be fine and dandy, thanks. It's only they who don't want me to be free. I don't want to be this miserable, but I woudn't be surprised at all if I spent every penny I had on mental health care, and the first morning I saw a sunrise, and SAW it, I jumped headfirst out of the window. Because the only reason I'm here is because I don't care enough about the poeple around me to give a damn what they think. If I cared, I'd leave. And that's all there is to it.

In reply to: If I cared, I'd leave. And that's all there is to it. That is crazy. That is like an abusive husband saying "I beat you because I care about you. If I didn't care I wouldn't even bother with you". I am just gathering information about you from your other posts and this one. I know I probably sound like a bitch right now, but honestly. You are in charge of your own life. You decide if you are going to cut yourself, or if you are going to continue to work at a job you hate etc. Everything you just said sounds like sorry excuses. I understand being depressed. I am there myself. But once again, you need to take charge of your life and see a doctor or someone that can help you with your depression.

• "You are in charge of your own life"Spot on!

You decide if you are going to cut yourself, or if you are going to continue to work at a job you hate etc. Everything you just said sounds like sorry excuses.Yup, they must be. But as I never used either one.... I CAN help cutting, most of the time. I want to stop, but sometimes, I'm just glad I have something to do with my hands. As for the 'job', my actual employment is perfectly fine with me. The 'job' I mentioned was an analogy for life. You don't seem particularly bitchy, but I hate everyone and everything right now.Maybe everything could be fine and dandy, but my whole world is gone. I have never been dumped or hated, and now all at once, I am alone. Right about now, I would pay someone to use me for sniper practice.

I wish I was. It's never been that easy.

Hey there...sorry I'm late to the thread, but I'm not usually on the computer on weekends--do that too much during the week.

Im sorry to put you through this, but I'm going to fall back on another story from my past: I was 20 and had just broken up with the person I thought was the absolute one and only love of my life. We'd gone through quite a bit together by that point, to include an aborted pregnancy of which I was unaware when it happened, but we tried to get back together and make it work.....and it didn't.

To get to the point, one day I found myself sitting on the floor against my bedroom door in my mom's house at 8 in the morning, hadn't slept, still extremely drunk, with a VERY large hunting knife in my hands 'cause I wanted to kill myself. I knew from classes I'd taken where the heart was located in the chest and between which ribs I'd have to stick the knife--and at what angle--to make it work. And then I thought of something: someone would have to find me--and it would probably be my mother.

Now, you apparently have a problem with your mother, but let me tell you, I didn't--when my dad died when I was 12, she had to take over and do it alone, something for which her upbringing made her completely unprepared...and she had 7 kids, although most were already grown.

Regardless, I couldn't do that to her. And then I realized I couldn't do that to ANYONE. Seriously...my friends might even understand my feelings and why I wanted to do it, but would they understand that I left it to them to find me in that state???? I'm sorry, but that's beyond selfish...it's just hateful. Oh, but as a corpse, you wouldn't have to worry about what anyone thinks. Nevermind that your blood could be everywhere and both your bowels and bladder will let go...nevermind that someone is going to have to pull up the carpet and replace it...or scrub the wood floor as best they can, but won't ever get the bloodstain out, and will have to cover it with a rug that will ALWAYS remind them of what's under it.

Oh, and that's not even taking into account the friends and family who will all have to attend your funeral or memorial service and wonder why...if you were having such problems didn't you talk to them? Not that they may have made a difference, but because they loved you they would have appreciated the opportunity to at least try.

I don't know...and I know I don't know everything...possibly not anything...but I do know that to knowingly cause other people pain is a crappy thing to do.

But maybe that's just me.

As always, BEST!!! and PM if you like.

I'm glad there are people out there who stop to think about the mess they'll be leaving behind - and I'm talking about the emotional one. Unfortunately for me I know that the pain of losing someone from suicide never never never goes away, so I'm glad you spared people that, xx. (apart from the fact that if you'd taken leave of us I wouldnt get such a laugh out of your witticisms, ha ha!)

LOL! Witticisms....I've always liked that word...it's so much better than "sarcastic asshole comments" :grin:

Love you, too!

i dont care about anyonegood riddance for the mess

Hey...how can you not care for anyone? I'd really like to know.

I can not care about anyone pretty easily. All I have to do is hate them and not tell them. Let that wretched creature slap me, for one. I am not five. Child abuse ended when I turned 18. And yet I let her slap me across the face. I, a grown woman, cowing down all because my love is the only one who ever bothered telling me to stand up for myself. And then I let her have her fun. I went limp and let her do whatever. And you know what? That b**ch is strong, because she chucked me across the room as easily at 5'4 120 as she did when I was well under four feet and thought seventy pounds was fat. That is not caring. If I cared about her, I'd call the cops andget her some help, and if I cared about my family, I'd get them away from her, and if I cared about myself, I woulld have hit her back or run. And those are the only people I have. THAT'S how I can not care about anyone.

In reply to: and if I cared about my family, I'd get them away from her So, does she have younger kids that live with her?

Well, not to get into semantics, but "anyone" refers to a lot more people than those who exist inside 4 walls. Get the fuck away from that place and don't look back--you'll be better for it. Shit, three towns down the road things would probably look FAR better.

You need a hobbie? Also im not telling Im suggesting lol. Find somehting to do, things others are interested in, sounds like you have creative talent, that is a good poem. Dont be so hard on yourself, its not your fault, but you still have a full life ahead of you.

http://blackflagclan.net/index.php

Hey Girl, sounds like things are really tough!! Some creative advice: Check the song "FREEDOM" on http://www.myspace.com/jdjesusdisciple

oh, only four kids between the ages of twelve and seventeen.... and me, now that the boyfriend's got my apartment keys and the bank account.... and i didn't even have a computer for all this time, because she got mad and smashed it.