Hello people. I'm in a desparate situation here. I've allowed my life to crumble before my eyes. I used to have a lot of friends, hot girlfriends, was in a number of bands, had A LIFE! But it's all gone now. Wow! That almost sounds like I was once normal. I feel like I'm destined for misery. I'm 29 now, and ever since I can remember, I've had a confidence problem. Even though I look "normal" to most, I've always been super shy, reserved, afraid I guess. Afraid of life. My god, I'm almost 30, and it feels as though I'm waiting to die. I'm not living my life... that's the problem. Actually, the real problem is that, in my own shell of insecurity, I've pushed everybody that is important to me, away from me. I haven't talked to my father in over 6 years now. My mother lives 5 miles away, but I barely talk to her... I don't know, it's fucked up. I had my possy of friends from high school all the way up until 2 years ago, but shit happened, and I got screwed over by my best friend... about a girl of course. But even just the thought of having a girl seems like an impossiblity now. Feel as though I've got nothing to offer anymore. Why? Because I don't. I've literally lost all my friends, I don't go out at all, I don't even enjoy the things that I've always enjoyed. I'm a genuine hermit. Who the hell would want to be with me? But the thing is, is that I have a great job, I make really good money, I'm decent looking (at least I'm told), but I just can't find any confidence or strength in myself. Constantly thinking back to bad memories and the pain and regret I carry is intense. Starting to become an alcoholic now. I cry a lot. My solitude is literaly driving me crazy, but it is also the only place I feel comfortable. Been seriously thinking of seeking professional help, but I already know I won't do it. Look, I've had some great times in my life, done some really cool things, but I can't stay on that high. My inner-demons don't let me escape. And now I have nothing to escape to...
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Wasting my life...
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It sounds like you've been hit by depression with anxiety. It's a nasty disease, but it can be treated, if you get some professional help. Life is for living, and it's risky, and sometimes things go wrong - but we can build back up again.Have you considered taking some leave and going somewhere on vacation? Fresh scenes can really help. But professional help would help even more.
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Yeah, it's total anxiety. I can't even get a good night sleep anymore... so much on my mind. Just feel as though I could have been.... SHOULD have been so much more. But life is passing me by now. There are some that I could reach out to, but I don't... why? The phone rings (not very often anymore), but I don't answer. The thing is, is that I used to feel somewhat justified in my approach to life. Now the BIG question for me is - "Do I have a serious mental issue?" or "Am I just a bad person?" I feel that way because even though I know I have a good heart, it doesn't come accross that way to other people. Because of my insecurities & lack of self confidence, people think I'm kind of an asshole sometimes... cuz I don't go out of my way to talk to people anymore, cuz I turn down invites, cuz I seem cocky. But really, it's just because I put myself in a shell. And now I feel as though I have nothing interesting to share. But obviously I don't need the whole world knowing that. You see, I'm incapable of "moderation." It's actually in my nature to where my heart on my sleeve. But after doing that so many times, I regret it so many times. I've made an ass out of myself many times. Everyone says, "Look to the future, there's nothing you can do about the past," but I feel so damn bad about things that happened even 10-12 years ago. I carry so much regret and can't stop dwelling on things. I think it's just the way I am. I know I have serious issues and I know I have depresion along with social-anxiety, but if I know this, why don't I take the neccesary actions. Am I just a selfish-rotton person, or do I have some kind of chemical inbalance? I'm lost man... thanks for listening.
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I can't see you as a bad person, or selfish or rotten - the chemical imbalance theory seems much more likely.
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Well, I dont think I have anythign brilliant to say, but if you regret things from years ago and you're dwelling int he past, that sounds like the sort of thing sitting and talking with a therapist could help. I know some people get nuts over theraopy and I'm NOT like that, but it can help you sort your shit out a little. It has helped me and I don't go regularly at all, but I would again if I began to felt overhwelmed or felt the way you describe. It actually sounds to me like you've got a LOT going for you, ubt I undersatand that it might be hard to see it or for that to make a difference, but talking things through can help make a person see things more clearly. Best of luck, brother.
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Thanks for the advise Johnny. I sort of am doing theropy now. I met a really nice person on this forum that has gone through a lot of the same things as myself. She's been great... basically just listening, giving advise, & letting me know I'm not a complete FREAK! I've made a little improvement since, which is cool. I just have to find a way to keep improving and maintain some happiness. It seems like every time I start getting up, I get knocked back down... like I'm not allowed to be happy or something. I don't know... we shall see. Thanks again friend.
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Hey, dude...I know EXACTLY from where you're coming...or the next town down the road at the very least. I'm not going to try to sum up what I went through to get past all that crap here, but please--I mean this--PM me and we'll shoot the shit for a bit. I'm a decade older than you, so I've pretty much found myself through the same time period. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I'd be willing to bet I've been down some of the same paths.And if I don't hear from you in other than the forums, I wish you the best of luck!
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Yeah, you most deff. got hit by depression! :frowning: That sucks. I know how it feels, but you know taking a break from everything for a while works pretty good. Just calm down, and get help, I am on meds. and they seem to help a lot. Good luck with that