I've enjoyed going through all parts of this forum and it's always been very helpful to read other people's posts. It's now time to make my own - I have an issue and I thank you all for taking the time to read about it, and even more so if you throw in your comments. Sorry for the long post but here it goes...
I'm an Aussie, living in Australia. I met my Korean girlfriend here about 3.5 years ago. We were bf/gf 6 months later and have been serious for 3 years. We were planning marriage (not engaged yet however) and decided not to have sex until we married (that's not the issue).
She's always been quite bitter about many things, mostly Korean and world politics, and Korean history and how other countries attacked Korea, stole historic items and killed many people. She spends most of her time on the internet reading about Korean history and politics and gets very upset about it, and she often swears (or cusses in American?), and displays hostile emotions towards people of nationalities that once did some wrong to Korea. She's not currently working and wastes a lot of time just getting angry. I'm really a man of peace and hate to dwell on such issues, and I'm always working towards our future. I'm working long hours trying to buy a house, supporting us both (have been for about two years) and I'm 23 years old. She's always fouling the atmosphere when we watch movies, go out to dinner etc as she'll see something that reminds her of Korea culture and she'll start yacking on about it. She spends so much time worrying about these things that have no affect on us but to destroy any happy atmosphere. I spend so much time worrying about our future that I don't have time to spend worrying about what happened 2000 years ago.
I try to understand her, I really do, but I've told her that I cannot understand how she can spend so much time being angry and unhappy. I've told her that one day we'll be really old and she'll say "Oh my god, I'm 70 y.o and I've been making myself unhappy all of this time. I've wasted my life". She then just gets angry because I don't understand her. It's gotten to the point where I don't like to watch movies together, never dare mention Australia government (she'll go on about how we killed all the traditional inhabitants (aborigines)) and I don't like to generally go out in public much.
We went to Korea together in April as I wanted to meet her parents before marriage. Her parents pressured us to marry quickly, but I said I want to buy a house before we do. They said do it quickly, and I replied (with a slight hint of sarcasm), "What do they want, a date (of marriage)" and she was very angry. I'm just under so much pressure to buy a house and get married, yet my gf just cannot see how difficult it is to buy a house, she's so absorbed in Korea and it's history, and her parents have always provided for her, her whole life (she's now 28). Things just seem to come easy for her. Now I'm under even more pressure to work longer to get a house quicker, but she doesn't see that. She just hangs around pressuring me to buy a house, or rent one so we can live together. I really can't afford to rent a house, support us, and save for a house at the same time! I'd die! We were renting for two years but I've moved us into my Mum's place were I can save some $ to buy a house.
Anyway, she stayed in Korea to be with her family a bit longer. I came back in May and initially I was a bit upset with her and her parents for totally not understanding what I'm going through here in Australia. I missed her so much, but then when we talked on the phone she said that she hates it in Australia so much, and that she loves Korea much more and that her family is the most important thing to her, and that she wants to stay there. She said she'd come back if I really wanted her to (she was always supposed to come back, it was just a holiday to meet her parents!). I told her to come back but now I'm not so sure. I know she hates it here so much, and she'd probably be even more bitter after coming back here, as I know that 70% of her wants to be in Korea. When I heard that she hates it here and that the most important things to her are in Korea I seemed to just lose all faith in the relationship. How can we live here in Australia if she hates it so much? I've thought of living there, but I don't know the language well, and we don't have any foundations for our future there. I've setup years worth of foundations here, I own and operate my own business, am close to getting a loan and buying a house, I have no Korean qualifications (she has several qualifications obtained in Oz, and is fluent in both languages). I'm only 23 and am having a hard time dealing with the work and worries and plans of our future, and supporting us both, yet it irritates me that she's always thinking of irrelevant things - what about our future, how about some help?
I really think she should stay there as she'd be much happier, the most important things in her life are there (as stated by her). But it'd kill me to do that, to myself and to her, to say "stay there". However I think it's best. She's due back here in about two weeks, and I keep delaying telling her as I keep on going over it in my head. I've never told anyone how I feel as she'd get jealous of my family if I confided in them and just plain pissed off, but her parents are always hearing of her issues and helping her out. I've told her this stuff but she gets angry because I'm not understanding her needs (she really wants to move out together again, but I don't want to waste money on rent). I just feel so alone.
If you've read this far then I send out my deepest gratitude. If anyone could offer advice I'd be greatly appreciative.
Please help me sort out my feelings... :(
Just reading that sounds to me like you two aren't that compatible. She's sounds like the boss of the relationship (although I really don't see it as a relationship) and you're just the tag along. It honestly doesn't sound like she loves you. You're still very young, only 23. If you don't want to do something you shouldn't be pressured into doing it. Maybe you should break things off and see what happens.
~*~Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.~*~
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I'm an Aussie, living in Australia
Yeah man!! Good to see another Aussie around
anyhow, for someone in such a relationship, you sound and seem to admit that you feel real down and alone. what type of future will you have? one where you are still alone, no emotional closeness?
i totally understand how you say your a man of peace yet she is very bitter and prats on about the past and not getting over things. someone like that would really irritate me and there is no way i could see myself having a relationship with them if they didnt even listen to me when i confronted them on the issue (like you say you have done).
without being able to communicate and express yourselves, without under understanding and compassion, any future would look grim.
you say that you think it would be best for her to stay there, just for herself, but you love her and want her to come back to you. -one of the hardest things in love would be letting soemone go. im in that situation man and it bites. absolutely is the pits, but its for their own good (we can both see it).
to tell her to stay will be a very bold thing to do, a very hard thing, but sounds like a very right thing to do.
i honestly think it will be a bad decision if you do not break it off with her, and the earlier you do it, the better. and if she's oversea's, even better.
I thank you both sincerely for the comments. I am leaning that way. We both love each other but in this case I feel that love is just not enough.
I know there are things that I could do to make myself a better boyfriend, I'm not perfect, yet I feel that whatever I do will never be enough. She was kind of alone here as her family is over there, but she would talk with them more than I could talk with mine, as she'd usually get jealous or something.
I really don't like to waste time being angry. However sometimes when we go out (say to the movies), and someone does something that pisses her off - she has become upset that I didn't punch on with them! I'm like - that's so primative - it's caveman style. Why not just walk off and forget, never to see the imbecile again, rather than help it to balloon into something that's just plain stupid?
It's going to be extremely tough. All of our things are here, her things, just as she left them. It just breaks me to know what's ahead. When I said goodbye to her in Korea, I had no idea that it would be for the last time. We barely even hugged, and didn't kiss - it's not the correct etiquette in their culture. I met her parents, her family, who were otherwise so kind to me.
Somehow I feel that 23 isn't that young at all, and I'd hoped to acheive more by this stage. I feel like I'll be kind of starting again, and I had never really had a gf before her. I always found it difficult, I don't know how I'll get another. She was a student of mine at a computer training college. I was 20, she was 25. I remember the sound of her crying, and it's all I can hear at the moment.
I'm really sorry to blabber on. Thanks for reading it everybody, I'll do my best to return the help that I receive on here
Thank you for your insights, keep them coming all
Edit: Yes I've heard a few Aussies on here - hello to you all, and hello to all the others too! I imagine it's mostly Americans - hello over there...
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I know there are things that I could do to make myself a better boyfriend, I'm not perfect, yet I feel that whatever I do will never be enough.
i feel that way too. but once i was told by someone that she knew i wasnt perfect, she knew my flaws, didnt like them, but loved me for who i am, so she loved my flaws too. thats a pretty powerful thing to say to someone, and i hope that everyone finds that emotional intimicy with their partners.
yes you are right. it will be tough. but i look at you now and i think that what you are going through now is tough, and the rest of your life with this girl would just be even tougher... its best to end it here, and have a bright future ahead of yourself
one thing that really depresses me, is that i work at a retail deparment store casually, and i see ALOT of elderly aged couples come through. SO so so many of them are bitter towards each other. they have no compassion or understanding for one another. i see it and i pray to God that it will not happen to me.
SilentRain, even tho you love her, it seems to me that you are already headed down a track of unhappiness.
no more of this "im 23 and shes my only gf" business, cause my mum is turning 50 next week, and she had dated 2 guys in her life, married one of them (my dad obviously), and unfortunately he died 10 or so years ago, but my mum started dating guy number 3 at the age of 49 and they are hugely in love with each other and are approaching their 1.5 anniversary.
so you still have alot of time out there!
the most important piece of advice i can say is to think deeply about these issues, what you really want, come to a FIRM decision, and stay strong! no matter what happens, stay strong in your decision
Thank you for listening and understanding cool, and Amanda. I suppose I'll just soldier on a do what I was doing before, just get this house for a bit of security, and see what happens.
I understand completely about it being tough now, but it's to save even more heartache later on. I've been telling myself that the whole time, but I'm always drawn back into doubt by love. I sometimes feel that love isn't enough though. I feel we can learn to love many people, but having a perfect relationship needs more than that.
I had considered breaking it off before we had gone to Korea, but I just love her and couldn't do it. Then, after she'd told me over the phone (whilst she was in Korea) that she hated it here, was bored here and loved Korea, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It's probably the easiest time to do it, and I've written out the email (I will call afterwards, but I won't get it out correctly over the phone) but am yet to send it. It's not nasty or anything as I don't want any open wounds, we could argue about who was wrong or right, but we'd only go around in circles and for what good? We'd still break up, only that we'd have a few more open wounds.
I agree with the others here. I think you have been lucky to discover before you got trapped in a bad marriage that you are not right for each other. You're a nice person, SilentRain, and I think you deserve a happier marriage than this one would have been.
Thank you all for your support. I'm just having difficulty in following through. I wrote an email (with full intentions of calling also) and sent it. I used email as I could think through the best way to do it, I know that if we talk on the phone we'll both break down. I love her but I feel I can't continue living in the relationship like this. I love her how can I do this?
It's 1:40 am here an she just left a voicemail, I was in the shower. She's crying and I'm dieing to know that. How can I do this to her? It's really tearing us both into pieces, and I've never ever ever done anything like this.
HUGS N CUDDLES::
Sweet Angel From Heaven * smiles*
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How can I do this to her? It's really tearing us both into pieces, and I've never ever ever done anything like this.
doing the right thing at times is hard
man i've been there... it sucks
you BOTH want to do the wrong thing but you can't. you can't keep doing it
she maybe upset now, but i can see how upset you are when you are with her because of how she acts and who she is.
i think you'll be that upset for the rest of your life and more if you try to compromise here
did you do alot of deep thinking? and come to a conclusion?
no matter what she says while she's crying away, dont bend for her. it seems to me that you've already done enough of that in your life
keep us updated mate on how things are
Hello again all and thanks for listening. Special thanks to those who've given their thoughts. Just an update...
After I'd sent her an email explaining it all, she called. We talked for hours and hours and I let it all out. She let it all out too. I told her that we were well and truly finished but she couldn't accept it and wanted to come back and try again. She'd already booked her flight back here anyway. I said that it's not possible, that we're already finished etc and she said she'd then come back to get her things. She kept on ringing and I never said we'd try again, but I think she has the idea in her head. I don't want to keep going as we've gone around and around like this before. She's missing out on opportunities and family time in Korea and I want to move on (as hard as it will be in the beginning).
She asked why I hadn't continued to call her, but I didn't really want to - what could I say? I didn't want to pretend that everything was fine, talk like we always did, then when she arrives just get her to pack her bags and hop on the next plane back! I explained that we'd gone over our feelings, I didn't want to continue and that I didn't want to now pretend that everything was fine, so I haven't really called her much. She calls quite a bit and talks like we always did, but I feel somewhat uncomfortable with it. She asked if she should bring an empty suitcase (to take things back to Korea in) and I didn't answer her, I couldn't, I was just breaking up. For this reason I think she thinks we're going to keep on trying, regardless of all other things I've said. I don't want to pretend, and I don't want to lead her to believe that we're all fine. I'm not sure if I should tell her before she comes back (one week) or talk about it and confirm it all when she arrives?
It'll be even more difficult now that she's coming back. She'll be staying with me until she goes back. I'll be helping her pack, driving her to the airport - these will be killers, and I don't know how we'll do it. She'll be staying in the same bed as me, yet we'll be separated. I don't know what we'll do, it'll just be even more difficult to sever the emotional ties while she's here and dependent on me.
As she calls more and more, I feel myself wanting to try again. My heart says try again yet my head says no, we'll just go around in another circle. I just don't know what to do atm.
It's all weird. Sometimes I feel really strong and I feel like I'll be able to pull this off no sweat, and at other times it's so damned hard.
Earlier in the week she called, and we just kind of had a normal chat. As stated I feel a little uncomfortable pretending everything's fine like this, as it's not. Again she asked why I haven't been calling her (this leads me to believe that she's planning on trying to stay together, as if she was expecting we'll just finish she wouldn't really care if I call or not - right?). I told her I haven't called because I don't want to pretend or give false hope, and I just dunno what we'll talk about, it's quite obvious that this will dominate conversations. She said just a hello call will be fine, and I thought Ok, why not?
So the next night I called her and it was nice as she was happy, but I still didn't want to give her any false hope.
Last night she called, she was leaving her parent's place and heading to the capital as she's flying back tomorrow (arrives Saturday). We talked and talked again, and we were both just really explaining what we haven't liked about the relationship, and why it's been the way it's been. It was extremely hard, but I told her she will need to bring an empty suitcase (I think it's more just a symbolic thing - I have one she can take back). This upset us both, and I told her my heart wants to continue, but my head just keeps telling me we won't be happy together, as we've tried, and we've ignored the fact that there are too many things working against us for us to be happy here.
Is it right to listen to my head? It looks like we're finished but she's coming back anyway, mostly to get some stuff. I know she'll probably try to talk it out and see if we can keep going. But is it right to listen to my head and ignore my heart? My heart is dying, it's dying because it kind of wants to keep going, it's dying because this is all hurting her, but my head tells me that we can't be happy regardless of love. There are other factors that affect our happiness, and in this relationship those other factors are negative, so we're unhappy. Can anyone help here? Is my head just making things difficult?
I'm a network engineer, so I've always thought logically. I've always sat down to issues and problems, had a look at the overall picture and attacked it. She says I listen to my head too much, and not my heart.
Every relationship will have some degree of problems, and one must work through them to continue. Am I just bailing out of this relationship when I could be fixing the problems? My parents divorced when I was a teen, and maybe I'm scared of a relationship that has any kind of problem, so I'm just 'jumping ship' and bailing out? I've thought of fixing the problems but the main ones seem to be that I just don't understand her (mostly her negativity), she doesn't understand me (thinks I'm just having a ball working 16+ hour days for fun, jealous of my family etc), and that she's such a negative person. She always looks for the worst things in any situation then dwells on them. I always make the most of a situation.
I do still love her, does that mean it's stupid to cut it off? I'm sorry if these are all such stupid questions, I guess I'm just not experienced in this kind of thing. It's my first real love relationship.
Anyway I'm just not sure if I should continue listening to my head, or my heart.
I just don't seem to have any energy anymore. It even feels like an effort to talk. I'll just have to keep on going. I want a holiday lol. Mmmmm that'd be nice. And another motorbike.
I'm sorry the saga continues. This is more just like a diary now. Thanks for listening people. Thanks to all.
I don't know every detail about your relationship but I think from what I've heard it's best to end it. There's too many problems/situations involved.
~*~Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.~*~
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My heart says try again yet my head says no, we'll just go around in another circle
u know that when this is happening that it will never work out between you two...
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She'll be staying in the same bed as me
sleep on the floor!!
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Is it right to listen to my head?
yes... your future with a heart / head that doesnt agree with each other will be hell. you'll always have this principal of uncertainty in what you do. you'll have an ongoing battle inside you which will never leave you feeling totally happy...
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Am I just bailing out of this relationship when I could be fixing the problems?
from what you've said initially it seems as tho you have tried to adress the problems yet she see's no issue to address... until you pull the plug on her. thats not exactly the best trait for your partner to have
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I do still love her, does that mean it's stupid to cut it off?
no, its possible to love someone that you cannot have a good relationship ahead of you... i know from experience and current situation
like i said before, think things through 100 times, weight up everything over a couple of days and come to a final decision., -STICK to that decision regardless of what she says in the heat of the moment / what comes to ur head in the heat of the moment, cause u dont think straight like that (well i dont anyhow).
seems to me as though u have done this and have come to a conclusion.. stick with it
I suggest a temporary seperation to see how you guys cope w/o each other. During this time, hopefully she will realize what she has done and what she's doing by being so negative... Then, if both of you still feel a love for each other, you will be refreshed to start a new and better relationship with a few conditions including:
more discussion as to why
1) she has such a grim outlook (of course, don't phrase it to her this way, she doesn't want to feel attacked...make her feel like you're on her side),
2)why she feels you don't understand her, and
3)how you both can improve your deficiencies in the relationship.
After all, a relationship involves the work of two people, not just you carrying her burden as well as yours.