Utter confusion and frustration

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Ok, I posted about 2 weeks ago about this girl who I'm absolutely nuts about. I'm crazy about her and shes crazy about me but she has a boyfriend. I asked whether or not I should tell her how I feel, you told me I should and I did. Thanks a lot guys, its moved things along a lot but here's my problem now

I'm studying at university and I moved back to university on saturday. This girl (Wendy) has been eagerly anitcipating my arrival, txting me emailing me, myspacing me, saying that she can't wait for me to come back. Anyway, we arranged that we should meet up, so we sorted that we'd watch a few films round my place, get some booze in and enjoy the night. That was last night, but let me explain.

The orginal plan was that we'd get some booze in, have a few drinks whilst playing xbox or watching films, then I'd give up my bed for her, and i'd sleep downstairs in my living room on my inflatable bed (its dead comfy)

What actually happened was radically different. She came round abut half 7, and we played on xbox for a bit, watched some episodes of south park. We then decided to go out to the bar where my friend and housemate works. It was really really great, there was a live band playing and my mate gave me and her free shots all night. He knows how much I like Wendy and wanted to help me out

We made our way home, and we were both tipsy by this time, and made our way into my room. I poured another glass of vodka for me and her and slap on a film, Groundhog day.

Whilst watching it, I said "I need to pull out that inflatable bed" to which she replied "Both me and you know that you're staying here tonight" which kinda shocked me, but in a good way

The conversation went onto what sort of girl I liked she said "When I read your myspace, it said you like blonde blue eyed girls" which shes not. Shes a brunette with deep dark brown beautiful eyes.

I replied "But I still think your absolutely beautiful" and that was it. We started kissing and kissing. we were rolling around on the bed kissing, fondling. She took off her bra and top for me, I reached into her pants and fingered her. This went on for hours.

Then, I stupidly said, "look, are we affairing?" because her boyfriend lept into my mind. She stopped, looked at me and started to get dressed

she said "I can't keep doing this to you, I can't keep teasing you and myself" and I told her that I really like her and I want to be with her no matter what. She lept on top of me again, and we started kissing and fondling again. I think if I hadn't mentioned anything, we would've ended up having sex.

We eventually fell asleep at 4, facing each other, in each others arms.

I woke up this morning at 8 and she woke with me, we were staring into each others eyes smiling. We hugged and held each other, but didn't kiss. She got dressed, I watched her.

She told me "Please don't mention this to anyone, if you do it'll destroy everything" I said I wouldn't and proceeded to see her off.

The whole ordeal has left me terribly confused. That last remark has made me think it was nothing but a drunken mistake. Shes been on msn, and I've tried to talk about it but shes dodging. I need to talk to her, because drunken mistake or not, it felt incredible. She made me feel indescrible, a feeling I've never felt before, a good feeling. I know she liked it too, because shes been happy today and was happy when I left her.

I thought at first I might have taken advantage of her, but I qualled that with the fact that if was a mistake, we wouldn't have been doing it for 4 hours. Also she was on top of me part of the time, so she knew what was happening.

I want Wendy as my girlfriend so much. I want to be able to do what happened last night over and over, hold her in my arms, kiss her, stroke her hair, wake up looking into those beautiful eyes. But I feel guilty becuase of her boyfriend, I feel confused becuase she seems to be dodging the issue, I feel like I'm gonna go nuts if things carry on. Please guys, I need your advice, what should I do. Wendy is the most incredible girl I have ever ever met.

I went back to have a look at your two-weeks ago post to see if I remembered it and I see that indeed I did and had posted you, I also copped on that I'd failed to respond to your final post to me; very sorry about that bobwobbaz, I didnt spot that post at all. There are so many forums here and so many threads within them it gets a bit confusin and is sometimes easy to miss a post.Well, all I have to say to this is that you ended up in this situation because you didnt take the advice of auntie starfish, which was to make it very clear to Wendy that there'd be nothing intimate between you till she was single!Seriously though, my hormones have got me into a lot of trouble in my life so I'm no-one to point the finger! I think from here the thing to do is tell her very directly that you have feelings for her but are not prepared to be toyed with and confused. Tell her you dont do half measures, it's all or nothing. Of course your fear may prevent you from saying this in the emotional terror that she'll opt for the 'nothing', but really, I feel if your force her hand that way, yes, she may go back to her boyfriend for a while, but believe me, she'll be thinking the whole time about the man who's made himself unattainable - you. And with a bit of luck she'll end up seeing her boyfriend as an obstacle to you and her being together. Normally I wouldnt advocate getting involved with somebody who is involved already, but as I said, if all was rosy in the garden of their relationship she wouldnt be carring on with you in the first place.

I'm just guessing here, so take this for what it's worth.It seems like she wants to be with you, and she also doesn't want to leave the other guy. There was a song back in the 70s called "Torn Between Two Lovers" that may describe her situation, and it isn't really a good one. Wendy may actually be completely conflicted about this. By this I mean that the other guy may be just as great a guy as you are, and she may be unable to make a decision between the two of you. It happens, particularly in the case of "phlegmatic" personality types who hate to offend anyone or be the cause of conflict. IF THIS IS THE CASE (I could be wrong!) she will most likely not make a clear decision, preferring instead to hope that the situation will somehow quietly resolve without any decision on her part or any conflict ever happening. The only way something like that can happen would be if you took it as a one-time-thing, and it didn't happen again. She is dodging the issue because she doesn't want to be faced with the difficult decision. I don't really see a happy way out of this for you if I have guessed correctly about what is going on. If you force the issue you will bring conflict between her and the guy she's with, which will leave her angry at you for breaking your promise not to tell. If you hadn't made that promise, there would be more pressure on her to make a decision without being able to blame it on you, but it's too late for that. If you don't force the issue, she isn't going to change anything. The only way you could get together then is if they break up and you are there; you've got a head start on any other competition. That may be your best hope, in my opinion. Remember, these are all guesses and someone else here may have a better solution for you. This is just something to consider. Good luck!

I saw her in the library earlier, and she was asking if i was ok, I said I was fine, and just blanked her, which probably wasn't the most mature thing to do. She told me she was going home and just wanted to say hi. She then contacted me on msn saying "what was all that about"I told her I'm upset and confused and frustrated with her. She asked whyI told her "you don't know why I'm upset and confused?"She replied "I wanted to go I wanted to leave but you begged me to stay"I said "I didn't want you driving around drunk in the middle of the night"She replied "So all that about caring about me and liking me was a lie? You lied to me"I tersely replied "Lied about what? What did I lie about? That i like you? that I want to be with you?"I quickly posted "Do you want to know how I feel about sunday?""Yes" she replied"Sunday to me was fantastic, it was brilliant being with you. But what you said in the morning, about keeping quite about it hurt me so much. Because you made me feel utterly worthless. It made me think that A. you thought of it as a drunken mistake, that it meant absolutely nothing to you at all, B. it made me think there was something wrong with me and C. It made me think you were ashamed that something like that had happened between you and meHer response was "Look I'm sorry about what happened, but you won't have to worry about me anymore"And then she logged off.Shes blocking me, completely. Shes said "do you want me out of your life?" Of course I don't. But she is blocking me. She won't talk about what happened Sunday. She dodged the situation yesterday, and shes blocked me today to stop talking about it. I'm even more upset about this, becuase its like she doesn't even want to resolve the situation. The thing is, I knew I KNEW that something like this would happen. I backed off weeks ago from being flirty with her, yet she got upset and told me that she wanted things normal between us, she wanted me flirting. And now, after the flirting lead somewhere, its like she wants no memory of it. I'm hurt in a deep deep way here.

Of course you are, you've got to be, but whatever happens DONT go contacting her till the heat has gone out of this situation a bit. Wait till the dust settles (a few weeks at least, in my opinion) and then contact her ONLY to say that you liked her and you miss her around and are sorry that things went the way they did. NO declarations of undying love, do you hear me? It's clear to see that the ONLY way you have a chance with her now is if the decision comes from her, and if you apply pressure to her now, she'll be highly unlikely to come to the decision you want.In the meantime, dont sit around moping. Try to get out there and let her see you're doing ok and enjoying your life. Believe me, somebody who is obviously pining for you in a major way can be as off-putting as the opposite.Are you still online? Post back if you are.

My advice? Expect the worst. Been there, done that, and it's not gonna end with you two living happily ever after.

Thats exactly what someone said to me four years ago Big Jay, but I got together with the same man I was warned away from shortly after that and now we're living together and talking about marraige and kids; it isnt always a gloomy ending you know!

I cant wait for the day you post to say you've met the girl of your dreams and are in a state of total bliss; it'll happen sooner or later for definate, some fine young thing will take a shine to that sulky face of yours!

Oh, you are just the hopeless romantic, aren't you, star?Hey, Bob, star's hit this one on the head: let some time pass and let the heat die down a bit. Truth of the matter is, Wendy's probably as confused as you, but she's the one with the big decision to make. You've already made yours, for good or ill, now you have to give her the space to make hers. These situations are always painful...and they always suck. Hell, literature is chock-full of tales of unrequited love...it's a very popular theme, probably because it happens so often. Just give the girl a chance to figure out what's on her own mind before you try to put more there. If you happen to be around her, be nice, be polite, but give the impression that you're okay with everything...that'll either tear her up inside or let her fall back into the old routine; and if the latter happens, you'll know where you really stand.Best of luck to you!

Ok, here's an update to what happened.After what was said monday, I was extremely hurt, confused and frustrated with Wendy, I thought it meant nothing to her. I saw her in the Library up at uni on tuesday, and I was very terse with her, just sort of saying hi and bye. She looked hurt and confused by this and went back to her computer in the library.I got a text from her saying "I don't know what that was about but thanks. Thanks a lot"She logged into msn and asked me what was up with me. I told her I'm hurt, frustrated and upset with her.She said why, to which I retorted by saying "you don't know why?"She replied, look I'm sorry" and promptly left.I get a text from her about 6 oclock, shes in work, saying ""I can't bear the thought of you hating me, i know its all my fault and i've messed up, i'm so sorry, this whole thing is killing me but I know all I do is hurt you, which hurts me the more, I'm gonna miss you so much, I'm sorry x"I sent one back saying"Everything I have done regarding us 2 I have done with your best interest at heart. I found out about Mike, so I backed off, but that upset you that I had. So I let things carry on, and when the flirting led somewhere on sunday, I stopped it before things went to far. I have tried to talk to you about this, I've told you how I feel from the heart, but your avoiding me and blanking me. U are holding back and avoiding me and its tearing my heart apart. If you still want to avoid me, thats your perogative, but I know you're justdoing because its easier than talking to me. I understand it now"She calls me from work, shes crying on the other end she says "I can't bear this, we need to talk, can I come meet you after work?" She finished at 10about half 10 at night, the doorbell goes, and Wendy is there, looking really upset and still in her work clothes. We go for a short walk and sit downI told her how I felt, I told her where I want things to go. I said "what happened on Sunday, to me, was fantastic. and not just the kissing and everything, hanging out and having a laugh and being that close. And thats what I want. I want that, but without the guilt, I want to be with you"She said that she'd been with Mike 4 years and only known me 3 months, but she really enjoys us being together. I asked her what she wanted but she didn't know. I asked how she felt and she didn't know.THe poor girl is more confused about this than me, she was on the verge of tears thorughout, and I understand that she got a lot to think about. She asked me if I hated her, and I said I could never hate her, but I'm hurt at the moment because of her. We hugged and made up.She told me that she is crazy about me, and that shes very happy around me and she kept looking at me in that kinda of way, if you know what I mean.It was getting cold so we went back to my room to carry on the convo. I told her she needs to make a decision on what she wants, I told her that the decision is hers at the end of the day, and that I won't influence her either way. She nodded because she knew this.We hugged again. This time though, her pen went in my ear. She works at asda, right, and we have to have pens on us at all times, she puts hers in her hair like those chinese stick things. when we hugged it went into my earI said "not to spoil this lovely hug, but your stabbing me in the ear with your pen."She said sorry, then got the pen out of her hair and starting trying to put it back in my ear, playing with me, and what I thought was quite flirty. I walked to her car, and saw her off. I told her that the decision is hers and that she needs to think about what she want. She asked if we could keep in contact whilst she came to a decision. I agreed.That was 2 days ago. I've seen her since and talked to her, but like, the coversation will stop, and I know shes thinking things over. I'm not going to pressure her into decision soon, I'm thinking of givinng her a week to decide. Its long enough and I've told her to let me know eitherway so as I'm not left dangling. I went out last night and she said she saw me, though I didn't see her, she said she saw me near my house with my mate, implying that shes been keeping an eye out for me

To me, as a woman, if everything you've said is true (and dont get me wrong, I've no reason to think otherwise, it's just that people can colour things the way they want them to be) but if this is the way things are panning out it sounds like she wants to be with you but has enough feeling left for Mike that she cant bear the thoughts of hurting him.It's maybe not the greatest idea that you spend too much time around her while she's making up her mind. That could lead to a 'having her cake and eating it' type situation. You have to strike a balance here; spend some time with her; let her see what's on offer! But dont spend so much time that she ends up feeling theres no need to make a choice at all cause she's got it both ways. She sounds like a nice girl by the way. I hope it works out for you both; keep us posted.

Hey, Bob!You can pretty much stop reading anything I write, here, as star keeps stealing it out of my head, anyway. Once again, I agree with her completely.Keep us posted!

Hey, you've got to know by now I am your psychic cyber-shadow; no point trying to dodge ME, ha ha!