my name's gabe. i just don't know what to do anymore... i feel i'm fucked too many ways to count... i'm told i'm a genius, but i just think i'm above average... i've always had this ad/hd, and it drives me nuts. all throughout high school, i worked hard, always working, surrounding myself with knowledge; and all through high school i've felt inadequate, scholastically, socially, and just in general. i do have friends, a rather small group, and i've always felt that we've never been that close, and they almost never invite me places. every day in class i always feel the role of the outsider...everyone has their posse, i have myself.. the worst is when we have to get into groups... i either take the last person or work alone; unless someone is nice enough to work with me... every day after school i can't seem to get myself to work... i end up starting at like 12 and finish at 5 am getting maybe 45 min of sleep, then i'll sleep for like 20 hours a day on the weekends, thereby wasting them... last year near the end of the year was a total mess... i had a total mental breakdown, couldn't even finish my english project, got a c for the term... now that it's college time i have no idea what to do where to go where to turn, i just feel more depressed than ever... in the next 6 weeks i'm hopefully going to go to a psychiatrist or something...but i feel i just wanted to say somethings, which is why i wrote this post...
Don't know where to turn
Hi Gabe, it seems that you don't compare yourself with other people on an equal footing. Now in fact to do so is practically impossible, because you see yourself from the inside - all uncertainties and fears - and you see other people from the outside, uncertainties and fears carefully suppressed. Perhaps we can't compare at all. But you seem to do a lot of comparing, without allowing for the differences.
Other people are really not so different from you. But they pick up on your lack of confidence in yourself, and that makes them keep a distance. But in fact you really have a right to be on an equal footing with them. Comparison isn't necessary - accept yourself, accept others.
Ineligible has a good point: you really need to just be one of the group rather than "yourself AND the group". That will never work.
I can't say that I remember the date, or the place or even the time of day when I had this particular revelation, but it was astonishing to me: I think I was in my bedroom and I must have been about 14 or so, when all of a sudden it struck me...I had this life...with hopes and dreams and worries and problems and friends and so much more, but it came to be that....EVERYONE ELSE did, too. Now, that seems a little obvious looking at it in retrospect, but all I could think of was how small everything suddenly seemed. I remember very clearly that I saw myself as one tiny little bubble...amidst billions of other bubbles...all of us floating around, occasionally touching and sticking together for a bit, then floating apart.
Okay, that was a bit existential, but I hope you get my point: you are one of a multitude, like it or not....so go out there and BE one of that multitude!
Best of luck! Let us know how you're doing, huh?
Ineligible that was some great advice you gave to Gabe there.