Okay, so to give you all a little backround info, i've been in a few relationships before but never in a serious one, im far too picky which is why im usually always single..I recently started dating this boy, who I can seriously see myself with for a long time. (which is a first) The only problem is that I feel sometimes I don't allow myself to show emotion, & I don't seem to like it when others do but at the same time I really want things to work out.For example, when my boy tells me he misses me (which is constantly) I don't really like it when he says it. It almost seems like he's too romantic. And then if I don't say it back he will get mad at me but I don't want to lie to him.He saps a lot, and i'm sure most girls would like that but I don't. He's almost too much of a 'little bitch' for me. But i'm not sure how to tell him that in a nice way. So far all i've told him is that I want him to be more of an asshole. ( if that makes sense ) I just prefer a more aggressive boy. But he hasn't really gotten the hint. We recently got into a fight because of the fact that I don't really show emotion. He told me that he's actually looking to fall in love. & I want the same thing, but I don't know what else to do to allow myself to be more open and share my feelings or to even talk to him about it...We also live about 40 minutes away from each other.. so since we don't see each other except for the weekends, during the week we are constantly on the phone, & that's when he says all the sappy things to me.any advice on how I can talk to him? or to help me show my emotions better without forcing myself to?
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I don't understand what is wrong with me...
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Is there any way you could try making him understand that you're just not really "built" to show emotion sometimes and even if you don't show it, it doesn't mean you don't feel it?Though how else will he know how you really feel if you don't really show it?I don't know... but would my suggestion work?I'm not too bent on you telling him to be more an asshole, either. That could be taken the wrong way. And I don't really think you should change people - just tolerate who they are if you want to make a relationship with them. It's not like the thing you don't like about him is huge or anything.And my suggestion wasn't one insisting to change him through talking - it's talking something out without being forceful on change. It's not a change in him but a change in the relationship - something like compromise so both of you can gain a little something.
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How old are each of you?
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The funny thing is though, that with my friends I'll express myself and im not afraid to show emotion, but with him, or rather any guy i've ever dated in general it's SO hard for me.But i'm not trying to make him change, we were talking one day and he asked me if I could change anything about him would I, and I told him he's too nice sometimes, & I would want him to be more of an asshole, "in a good way" was how i worded it. But that still doesnt make sense.it's almost as if the things he says to me are TOO nice. So I sometimes find them hard to believe & just take them as a joke, but he will be completely serious about it.ughhh. I don't know. =/i'm 17 and he's 19
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I don't get it? This guy woos you with love and compliments and doesn't seem the least bit worried that he is always the only one on the giving end of things. What is wrong? Quote:it's almost as if the things he says to me are TOO nice.That sounds like a load of crap, no offence, but TOO nice? C'mon! I do not know what to say about this. It seems like you are that stereotypical teenage girl who falls for jackasses all the time. Worst of all, you actually KNOW it full well and go ahead searching them out (or converting the good ones)! Quote:I would want him to be more of an assholeI mean, can I ask you why in the Hell you want him to be an asshole to you? What kind of twisted sadistic shit is this?It just seems to me like you are still in that young girl 'bad boy' stage. It could very well be that in a couple years you will be out of that and then you will realise that the only thing an asshole guy can do properly is qualify for food stamps. But, and this is my very low-relationship-experience advice, until you grow out of that, it might be best to just not get too involved in a relationship.Sorry if I was extremely harsh, but your post crying 'mommy, mommy, I want a guy that treats me like shit' just came off as sounding so immature.I have many female friends, a lot of them have dated their fair share of assholes. It just never works out. They always end up extremely hurt, dumped. I mean, it is tough being in a relationship with someone who has been shipped off to the youth detention facility. And as for what the poster above said, it is true that changing this guy will not work. The ONLY thing you can do is change yourself here. You have to gain some respect and courage for yourself so that you are willing to open up to him and to expect better than some jerk-off guy.But, I feel this insight will likely not come from A2A. I think it is something that can only be learned with a little growing up.Unless this guy is loonier lovier-dovier than you're letting on ... if it's a relationship you want, a good guy is much more stable; an asshole will fuck you and kick you to the curb. Which sounds more appealing?Sorry,LQ
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You completely misunderstood the point I was trying to get across. I don't like 'bad boys'. I've been & already gone through that stage. I wouldn't be complaining about him if he wasn't constantly, i mean about every.. 45-60 seconds saying "i miss you babe. do you miss me? we're cute together. don't you think? i miss you" It's just the SAME shit over and over. I can't take that.We don't even have a conversation. Our last conversation on the phone was probably about 4 minutes because thats all he says so I just tell him i'm going to bed so I don't have to deal with it. I've tried to bring up other subjects like oh how was your day? how was work? but he keeps going back to it. It's to the point where It's absolutely ridiculous.trust me, I dont want an asshole that treats me like shit. I just want him to be able to joke and play around with me. I like a chase, but he doesn't give me anything to work with. I do like the kid, a lot. But im just not into that lovey-dovey stuff.So I would really appreciate if you didn't mock my problem, and attempted to give me advice I can actually use, Because I would not have resulted in posting this in a forum unless really had no idea what to do.Thank you.
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Quote:I like a chase, but he doesn't give me anything to work with. I do like the kid, a lot. But im just not into that lovey-dovey stuff.Then tell him that so that both of you can move on... to other people, of course. Quote:I like a chase,Grow up. The 'chase' thing is so snotty teenager of you. Quote:I do like the kidYou just called him a 'kid'. Do you have any respect for him at all?From what I can see, it is obvious that you like to play games. I think he is picking up on that, and is having trouble trying to figure out what you actually think of him (I've been in his shoes before). As a result, all he can really do is sit there and make sure that you actually do like him despite all the mind games you throw his way.He is not the kind of guy who wants to be part of that, and it is terribly clear! You have two options:1) Get over your desire to play games and just be straight with him in your words and actions.2) Release him and let both of you move on.The third option, to change him so he is how you want, has already been pointed out as inviable.Which of the remaining two will it be?Sorry for the harshness again, but you need to STOP putting these problems off as being his. LQ
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I'm agreeing with Tony on this one. You can't really change a person simply by telling them to. You need to learn to tolerate who your boyfriend is. No one is perfect and I can guarantee that everyone you come across, you'll find something you don't like. But if you can learn to tolerate one's flaws, then the relationship can build. No offense, but I can bet you're not perfect either. Everyone's human.
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help me show my emotions better without forcing myself to?
That's a problem. You either feel comfortable showing your feelings or you don't. Don't force yourself to because you'll be lying to yourself and him. If you don't feel comforable showing emotions, you need to learn why that is. Because once you do, you can explain it to him. It's obvious this guy really likes you, but you're hurting his feelings when you say you're not an emotional person.If what he says really irks you, you need to be honest with him. If you already told him to tone it down a bit and he's still not doing it, then there's nothing else you can do. Either tolerate it or cut your losses and move on. And don't tell him "be an asshole" because that can be greatly mistaken. Tell him you like a guy who's a bit more aggressive or masculine.
Bottom line is this: he's an emotional guy. You can't do anything to change it. Learn to accept it or move on. I'm afraid there's nothing else you can do.
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Quote:And don't tell him "be an asshole" because that can be greatly mistaken. Tell him you like a guy who's a bit more aggressive or masculine.Fuck that! She should tell him the truth! Why let him go through his life thinking he isn't masculine or aggressive? She wants him to be an asshole, that is what she should tell him. And I cannot believe people are actually associating assholishness with masculinity? What the Hell!?The rest of your advice is cool, but telling a guy he isn't masculine enough simply because he likes to compliment you? C'mon! Why not cut his dick off and roast it over a fire while your at it? Jeesh!
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You greatly misunderstood me. No where in my post did I say he SHOULD be more aggressive. I simply and clearly said "tell him you [the OP] like a guy who's a bit more aggressive".In that sense, she would be telling the truth. And this guy clearly isn't, so she needs to find someone who is.
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It wasn't the aggressive part so much as the masculine part.I do agree that this guy seems a little insecure, which likely makes him very unaggressive. But it certainly don't make him not a man!Anyway... continue,LQ
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I guess I will be surprised to see you come back and read up on your post, but just in case.You are who you are. I dated, was married, all that, before I figured out who I was well enough to find the man that works with me. You may like this guy, but you may need to bail. Guys like that feel too needy to me. And in the end always ended up BEING assholes, because they needed so much affirmation from me, that I simply couldn't give, then it turns into a mess...They (the guy) will find a woman who can give them all the attention and affirmation eventually, and you will find a guy who is confident, and doesn't need YOU to give him that. There is nothing WRONG with you, you just haven't met your match yet. If your young enough, this guy may grow up a bit, and be less needy, but I wouldn't count on it.
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You are so right Pepsi. These types of guys tend to have trust issues also. The 'niceness'is great at first, but then it turns into smothering. I dated a guy that called me 5 times a day at work to tell me he missed me and loved me and constantly asked if I loved him. Of course I couldn't have all these phone calls and when I asked him to stop, he said I was cheating on him. That relationship drove me crazy. Your boyfriend may be a really great guy, but I don't think he is what you are looking for.
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As Tony(?) already said, those trust issues you speak of, which there probably are, most likely stem from her inability to actually interface with him or show him her feelings. How is he to know that she actually feels ANYthing for him, if she does not tell him? Or, if she doesn't accept any of the affection she gives him? He's overcompensating for the lack of return. I used to be exactly like he is, but that was when my relationship was hitting the rocks, so to speak. But now that everything is fine and we're completely secure with eachother, we dont need to constantly affirm the other's feelings. We can focus on everything else, and even just joke about being mushy.As has been said, OP, you need to either figure out what's making you unable to emote to him, or cut him loose. Leading him on and constantly skirting around the issue with him is going to ruin his confidence and it's going to ruin your temperament with guys in the future. Better to just end it now if you can't do anything YOURself to fix it.
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I disagree. I think the issues were there long before her. Either way, they probably shouldn't be together.
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I had a couple of those. My littlest ones dad was like that. He cost me a few jobs by showing up just to "say hi"...then hanging out to see what I did...When I told him to stop, he too accused me of cheating. And, the other one...Who couldn't handle my grief when my best friend committed suicide...He was jealous of a dead guy. Ridiculous!!Letting a guy know I care, isn't an issue, but having to re assure more than once a day, is somehow, not ok on a regular basis...It is in our actions, not our words, and my man now, KNOWS I love him, and I don't have to speak it.
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Originally Posted By: DxLISHxISx_43I disagree. I think the issues were there long before her.I can see that; whether they were there before or not, though, doesnt change the fact that the emotional distance is not helping either of them. Originally Posted By: DxLISHxISx_43Either way, they probably shouldn't be together. Agreed.