Burns on son

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Hi,I am new to a forum and am pretty ignorant on how to use it but I am in need of help so I have gotten this far so far.I found a burn on my sons shoulder the other week, he got real scared when I asked him.... oh my gosh,,, what is that? he covered it up real quick and said nothing.... a friend burned me with a lighter,,, don't worry about it.Today, I go to the chiropractor with him (because he was in a car accident on sept 11) and I see he has two more burns. One on one forearm and another on the other forearm. that makes three burns within a two week period. He swears up and down that he did it for money on a drunk night. he also swears to god that he does not "burn". I told him I saw a documentary on cutting last week and would like to get him some help. He really has been depressed and sleeping all day and up all night. He quit school again after the accident and I know he his burning............!! He said the they all happened on one night, but it is clear that the one on his shoulder is older and healed along with the one on one forarm. one is pretty current.... at least just a couple days old.can someone steer me in the direction I should go?I am his mother and want to do what is best for him... [what to do, following a suggestion by unsupervised, I moved this post to a new thread to give it more prominence - Ineligible]

as you've already gathered, burning and cutting are basically the same. When someone hurts himself, it's a reflection of the pain inside. For me, it was a way to make my flesh hurt which distracted me from the what I was suffering inside. I out grew it but not until my late 20's. Last year when my marrage went for a shit, I gave myself a few hacks and realised that it just didn't work for me anymore.Your son is hurting on the inside. It won't be easy to convince him to seek help.I do suggest that you read through the several threads on cutting here to get an idea of where people's minds are at when they feel the need to hurt themselves. Hopefully, this will help you to talk to your son.be supportiveGood luck!!

I don't know much about cutting and burning, other than the few people I have crossed path with in life that did it. I can say that your son's story could be true. I have been to countless parties when I was younger where kids thought it was cool to burn themselves. They would do the smiley face with the lighter etc. Sounds like the drinking might be the root of the problem. Especially if he is sleeping all the time from partying. He sounds to me like a kid who parties to much and needs to check himself before his actions take him further down the path he is going.

Hi,Thank you for your reply, and maybe it is just as he says.... I know he does not party enough to keep him sleeping all day and up all night. I see him every night when he comes home. He is 18 and has been emotionally destroyed by my bully ex husband for 6 years up until our seperation. My son is very wise and mature in some area of his life, and in some others,,,,, he is just like a child. I have never been an 18 year boy, so trying to fiqure him out is quite hard. Would the lose of a kinda cool car and then dropping high school again after dropping out last year. ( he still wants to finish his senior year and get a HS diploma instead of a GED) be enough to tailspin the sleeping issue? I fight depression myself and used to drink myself into oblivion instead of cutting or burning or doing anything else that is self destuctive but is the same issue,,,,,, that one is hurting inside and just want relief from the pain, or just ignore it which was my biggest issues...(been sober 16 years) so my questions is.................is cutting or burning really any different than any ohter form of self destruction addictions. Yes it is more alarming,,,, but is it really any different????Please give me your opinions....................

I think there is a difference, yes. As someone who has self-harmed (including cutting) in the past (albeit on just three occasions) and also a former drug abuser I think I can say there is a difference because I felt VERY different when I was about to take cocaine as opposed to when I was about to self harm. For me, taking cocaine was about surpressing pain, but cutting was about externalising it. In the abusing of drugs I was trying to run away from my psychological and emotional issues, but in mutilating myself with glass I feel I was trying to say 'look, here, I am bleeding, can you not see that I am in pain, help me etc'. I think the term 'a cry for help' is actually very accurate, at least I know it was in my case. And I also think it is very telling that I didnt mutilate myself until I'd gotten off the drugs; the issues were no longer surpressable and at that point they could only be externalised.As a mother myself I really feel for you. Perhaps if you take the line that you KNOW what he's doing he may feel there is no point continuing to lie about it?

I'd generally class all forms of intentional self harm together.
The drugs were different for me because I wasn't trying to harm myself... I was just a party boy.

Star fish,You brought up two good points for me. One,,, is the fact that the feelings are very different before drinking/drugs etc than before self Harm. yes, yes, yes, that is a really good point. And then the second one is,,, where you are not able to suppress any longer and it becomes a external action,,,,, I will ponder on these points for awhile.......... Thank you SO much for your insights...He seems more relaxed the past two days,,,,,maybe cuz his burden has been exposed by me seeing them??? and addressing them again????? He goes in tomarrow for a bi-opsy of a lymph node, I asked him how he felt or what he was thinking about, and he responded,,,, I have been trying not to.We will find out Monday afternoon the results. I know that has been heavy on him, because they found the lump in a MRI after the accident,,, and this is when I started noticing the changes in behavior.

I've never been an abuser of drugs to the extent were my life is in a mess, nor have I self-inflicted injuries. But I am 20 so I'm just a little older then your son.

Perhaps the problem isn't the lingering effects of your ex-husband. You say he is having difficulty completing school despite being a bright kid. I was (and still am I guess) very much like that. Out of high school I was a brainiac and every mom in the neighbourhood gushed about how rich I'd be after I went to university and became a doctor or a lawyer or something. Now I'm in the third year of university, I've changed faculties 3 times and I'm working to get out of Academic Probation. It's not that I'm dumb, It's more that I'm unsure about what I want to do with my life. Ultimately I just stopped worrying about other people expectations of me and started doing what I want. So what if it took me 3 years? So what if I'm not an A+ student? So what if I'm never super rich? Life is a lot richer when you don't let the worlds pressure mess with you.

Perhaps your son may be similiar, maybe he is afraid of completing high school on some levels because then he'll have to face the world that expects individuals to know exactly what they want or where to go and he doesn't. He may be physically lazy but he probably isn't mentally lazy. Maybe what he needs is to sit down with a school or career counselour to help him determine what he wants out of life. Or perhaps he needs to just take time off. I contemplated it myself but luckily my 4 month summer was enough. Just time away from the pressure of academics to concentrate on enjoying life. I don't mean enjoying life as in partying, I mean enjoying life as in getting a full time job he like's. After that he'll know where his interests lie and he can complete High School and further his education in a field of study he knows he will enjoy and where it might take him. There is nothing wrong with taking more then 3 years to complete high school. There is nothing wrong with dropping out to re-evaluate your goals and life priorities. There is also nothing wrong with not going back to school if he chooses. Perhaps a trade suits him better, hell it might not be elegant but he'll likely make more then a most white collars until his late 40's the way the world is going now!

OR

Perhaps he is super stressed because of the lump found in his lymph nodes? If I found out I had something serious like that wrong with me I'd be really freaked out.

Advice to you as a mom: Ultimately you know him better then any of us and Mother's Intuition is an odd but reliable compass to navigate by. But in regards to approaching him; don't approach like you would your son. My Mom does this still. Whenever I have a bad day she gets all "Dr. Phil" on me and trys to talk to me like I'm in Jr. High School. He's 18 and where I come from (Alberta, Canada) that makes him a legal adult. Just approach this as you would your best friend or a pal at work. Be Serious but not so serious he feels pampered or smothered.

I hope he stops burning himself and best of luck with the biopsy, I hope it goes well!

The other posters for sure no more than I about this subject, but after reading more of your input on whats going on in his life, it might not just be drunken fun. Either way give him time without pressuring him and be there for him and I am sure he will open up. It sounds like your doing all of that already and he is loosening up a bit and thats huge.

Have you mentioned counselling to him? Maybe he wouldnt go for it, or maybe he'd surprise you. If you put it forward as a suggestion for something that might help him deal with the stress of the medical issues it might be more likely that he would go for it, and then of course he would likely end up discussing with the counsellor what was really on his mind. Let us know how things go on monday and how they're progressing generally. I'd imagine this must be a bloody awful thing for you to have to deal with alone. The thoughts of my own son (he's only twelve) doing something like this at any point in the future is really too dreadful to think about.By the way I cant imagine how you managed to stay sober through all that crap with your bullying ex, fair play to you is all I can say.

hI,I am so grateful that I came upon this forum!!! This is the first one I have done and I am amazed at the wisdom and advice that is given. It gives me such a different outlook and encouragement which is well needed....My son had his bio-psy on Friday and it went well and the premilanary feedback from pathology was good!!! We will find out for sure on Monday, but I do not know why they would say that it looks good if there was anything to be concerned about,,, so I am banking on the good over the weekend.My son also allowed my to put some bacitraicin on his burn and put a band aid on it. It looks a little infected and he has been picking at the wound. It is VERY deep and is clearly the tip of a lighter shape, as his others are also, but have healed.... this one however, is the biggest and deepest burn. He was very receptive to this and I felt really good about being able to actually touch the wound and try to help him with it.Again, I am very excited about the advice given by each person who has responded to my post. Each response has a different level that I can use in my life to help my son, and myself in the process.... Thanks!!!!!I will update as soon as I get some more info.I will be couruis to see if he burns again, after hearing the pretty good news after surgery. He has literly been in bed and negleting some adult friends phone calls and text messages for weeks. Last night he joined them again after they called, and that was a good sign. He actually answered the call....Thanks!!!!!!!!

My sons tests came back that he is in the clear of Hodgkins.....I looked at his burn today, as I bought more save to put on it. He showed it to me and it is still bad, and he is still picking at it. This is the only one it appears that he has picked at.How can I ask him if he has any other burns to see if he is still burning,,,, or do I just keep a watchful eye?He is wearing short sleve t shirts again, so I think if I see him in a long one again,,, I could just ask?Thanks for the input.

If you ask him and he says yes, please don't get judgemental. That is the last thing you want to do. If you do that, he'll think twice about opening up to you. If he's doing this, you need to tell him that you're there for him if he wants to talk. Also, try and suggest to him to get therapy if he wants.