I have no idea where to start. As of an hour ago I was just sitting on the kitchen floor with different pills spread out all around me and I'm cryin my eyes out. I really came seriously close to ending it but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I remember having a handful of em and just looking down at it for 15 minutes while tears rolled down my cheek until I got pissed off at myself and threw it all at the stove. Kinda funny the noise of all those pills falling. I am a complete wreck. I'm a 20 year old guy who has had everything in his life fuck up beyond what seems repairable. It all sort've stems from my problem I kinda shared in the Teen Life & Health forum under the thread "First real thread in a while..."My parents love me but my father doesn't know what to do with me so he doesn't touch the issue. My mother I think is afraid of me. I've never had any close friends besides one who I've grown so far apart from the last couple of years. The friends I have now I don't feel close to, I feel they don't understand me. I don't feel that anyone understands me. I seem to be emotionally distant from my parents and siblings, and most the time I put on a mask and become someone else with my friends so they don't really know me either.I"m tanking in school and I have no idea what I want or what to do or what I need. I've changed my major 3 times in as many years. I went from a 3.7 GPA in my first term of my first year to struggling to get off of academic probation now.I worked in the summer and made good cash but I couldn't work that job going back to school and I've been out of the job for 2 months with no work. I tried getting a decent paying job in the city to no avail. The one person on the planet that does understand me perfectly wants me to be in her life one minute but shuns and ignores me the next. And thats the most difficult part. If she was just a girl that would be fine, I could handle that. If she was just a girl and we broke up, I could handle that. If she was just a girl and we broke up and we were close and had a lot of emotion but had to part ways... I could even handle that. I can't handle it when that person who has had such an enourmous impact on my life in so many ways seems to toy with my emotions. One minute she loves me and wants to be with me the next I'm walking home in the snow from her house after she just treated me so harshly in front of other people and critisizes everything I do. She seems to love what makes me me one minute and hate me for it the next.I guess because lately things have been sooooo fucking bad I really needed her. We always helped eachother out and was there for eachother when we had huge problems. She's the only one that seems to love me for who I am at times and others be mad at me for who I am. And lately I've needed her. I just feel the need to be around someone who understands me, not even just talk... just lie down with and forget the world for a bit. Just to be content with who I am and all my problems. Just be accepted ya know?And today especially I put myself out there for her and I got burnt really really bad, and we've been talking lately about finally making a decision because I know I need to move on. We either be with eachother for sure or we go our seperate ways for sure. And I think that I'm going to have to pull the plug and say no and I think she might feel the same way. And my friends have been pissed lately at me and I don't know why. My parents aren't happy with me and think I'm just a lazy asshole.I feel like I'm losing all the people I care about, especially this girl and my parents. And NOBODY I know seems to understand or accept me now. I fucked up with my parents.I fucked up with my friends.I fucked up with my university.I fucked up with my girl & biggest support.I have no idea what I want to do with my life.I have no genuine support.And I don't know how I've done it. If I was an asshole or a dick then at least I'd know the reason. Arghhh... This is all just so frustrating. I really need help. Like honest to God help. And I hate ranting it here because I feel so bad that the only people that will listen to my problems are strangers I just need a hug really bad.I know I won't kill myself, that's just stupid. I think I just get frustrated with my life because I can't find anything good in it despite how hard I try. I guess I just had a bit of a nervous break-down tonight. I would ask what should I do to solve this but I don't think anyone has the golden answer I am looking for. I don't know what I should do or where I should go from this point. I've cleaned up the mess in the kitchen and I feel sick to my stomach right now. I feel like my life is a freakin etch'n'sketch and it just all got shook up and now I'm supposed to start over...
I've fallen apart.
In reply to: just lie down with and forget the world for a bit A lot of Snow Patrol lyrics coming through there.I can identify with quite of a few of your problems here. I can't really give you something covering everything you've covered but I'll give some advice where I can.I reckon you're too reliant on this girl for your emotional support. I really think you should try to branch out your "support network" to include more family and friends. Yea I know, not as easy as just doing it. I think you should actually approach your parents about it, they may not know what to do, but if you ask them for support I'm sure they will give it to you.Friends? I don't know about that one, I'm in the same boat as you.
"Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it"
It's been very rough for you.First, remember that human beings are not required or expected to have everything together. Throw away any self-help book that suggests otherwise. We are constantly falling down and sliding back and stuffing things up. All that matters is to try to get up again.Have you considered taking a year off doing something like working as a paid volunteer in the Third World? It's clear you're not sure what you want to do at college, so why stay there? Why not take a year off and try some different things?
Just hang in there buddy. Things will get better.Best wishes and prayersThe HotDog
Honey, you're having a seriously down time at the minute. I just read what Ineligible said, and I have so say I agree with him. Maybe try doing something different?
Thing's will get better and even out. Definately try asking your parents for some support - they may not know instinctively what to do, but it might help them being there for you.
Thank you all for the support. I think I just needed to get some stuff off my chest more than anything. I talked to "her" and she said it might be good for me to take some time off and just focus on getting myself on more stable ground. She hasn't lost her attraction to me, she just knows that I have a lot of personal issues that I need to resolve and I sort've looked to her to solve them when really I should look to myself, my faith, and if really need be a professional.I am truly touched by the few of your who were so concerned about me they PM'd me. I'm sorry I haven't responded, I just needed a day or two to myself. Know that I am very very thankful and amazed at the generosity and acceptance of the people here. I talked to my Dad about a few of my issues and he just listened, I think I might have caught him off-guard and perhaps he didn't know what to think. I am going to see a doctor soon to get a referral to a psychiatrist about the possibility of my having ADHD. My Dad was quiet about the subject but he did mention my Grade 2 teacher wanted to hold me back because she thought I had the disorder. I would almost be glad knowing what it is that I have just so I know how to treat it and some parts causing my depression. There are other parts that I still have to work on otherwise, I hope I can be friends with "her" because she is one of the few I know who also shares my faith and I think going through that with her might bring us closer together on a spiritual/friendship level. Anyway I'm getting carried away! Thank you everyone again! I appreciate it very very much!- Hyperion
your welcome sweetheart
*~I don't mind living in a man's world..As long as I can be a woman in it!~* -Marilyn
That is what this site is supposed to be about, help and understanding. You will get through this, change is hard, even when it is for the better. Good luck to you. I hope the help you need is there for you.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Theodor Seuss Geisel