Let me just say first that I hate complaining. I hate talking about my problems, I hate doing things that could possibly ruin relationships, friendships, anything like that. I don't like doing it, I don't like talking about it. As I said before, I usually do all of this in my head but its just bugging me too much.My relationship is in the shits and my girlfriend doesn't seem to notice. Over the past few weeks/months I have been pretty certain that she was gonna break up with me. We go weeks without seeing each other, days without talking and when we finally do talk she seems completely uninterested. She never says "I love you" anymore, she never says that she misses me or any indication that she even likes me anymore. When we see each other, she never kisses me, she never hugs me. I always have to hug her or kiss her, and for a few weeks now I have just stopped doing it. I'm afraid that she doesn't like me anymore and that she is waiting for the right time to break up with me, which was understandable a few weeks ago. At the start of October we had two Debs Balls to go to together and then a week later it was my birthday. So I thought that she was probably waiting for the Debs to be over so it wasn't awkward for the both of us, then break up with me before my birthday so she doesn't get tied to having to do anything. Well, the Debs came and went and I got seriously depressed during the second one. I knew what she was gonna do and it was killing me, a few of my friends were asking if I was alright giving me hugs and stuff and it hurt so much more because all these people were showing such concern for me yet my gf sat there and asked if I was alright once or twice and then pretty much ignored me. Of all the people that I could have used a hug from it was her and she didn't touch me all night. The only person I told this to that night was my best friend and after I explained everything she agreed that it didn't look too great.A few days went by and two days before my b-day my gf called me and asked what I wanted to do for it. I hate my birthday, well I don't hate it but I really don't like doing things for my birthday. I tell people not to get me things, especially my parents. My gf suggested a trip to the cinema for just the two of us and I agreed, thinking in my mind that this would be when she would end it. But I arrived, we said hi like people who barely knew each other, bought our tickets and sat in the screen waiting for the movie to start. The she pulled out a card and a present from her bag, an iPod shuffle. This really confused me, if she was gonna break up with me, why did she spend over €100 on a gift for me? Why would she buy this for me and still not hug me or touch me? We watched the movie and as soon as it was over we went to the bus stop and she went home. She has done this almost every time we go out, she spends the minimum amount of time with me as if its an obligation then seems delighted to feck off home.Its confusing the hell out of me cause I don't know why she is with me if she doesn't want to even talk to me for extended periods of time. It all started with just being a physical thing, she would never want to do anything sexual which I'm not even interested in anymore. I've said it before, I am shite in bed. Between my total lack of experience and her total lack of interest, its just a waste of time. For a young, sexually active couple who have been together on and off for nearly 2 years, we have barely had sex half a dozen times. We went away to Greece alone for a week, the first morning we had sex then that afternoon she got her period which lasted the whole week. And before anyone says it, we have talked about her going on the pill, she doesn't want to and I'm not gonna push her to. But basically I've lost all interest in physical acts like sex, I just want to hug her and kiss her and see her every now and then, but I'm actually afraid to now. I'm afraid of kissing her in case she doesn't like me anymore and she really doesn't want to. I'm afraid of telling her that I love her in case she doesn't say it back, or worse, says it back then breaks up with me a week later.All of this is going through my head yet she doesn't seem to notice anything. She seems fine with seeing each other once or twice a month when we only live 30 minutes from each other. She seems fine with never touching or showing any sign that we're more than just distant friends. It kills me because I need her to either break up with me or show that she still loves me, because I broke up with her last year and it was a stupid mistake that I won't do again, not without a damned good reason. And I don't want to break up with her, I still love her but if she wants to break up, I just want her to do it now.I'm so tempted to type even more just to make this ramble even longer, but I'll fight the temptation and just acknowledge that I know I should talk to her about this, I know that I should confront her and make her tell me if there is something wrong, I know this because it is the advice that I would give myself. But I am weak, I can't do it. And considering that I'm so weak, I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this. What do I expect? A miracle option that will solve everything.
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This one is very long, you have been warned.
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You know what you have to do, you know what the answer everyone is going to give. No matter what anyone posts here the only real answer is you talking to her.Just do it!
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Not "confront", but "enquire". What do you guys talk about? Does she just think you're weirdly depressed and are afraid to say anything? I can't imagine that a conversation would be worse than what you're going through now.Barring that, is there any chance you could get a mutual friend to talk to her?
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>I just want her to do it now.
It sounds like it is "dead" for both of you, but neither one can say something is wrong so why hurt the other.
Sometimes breakups aren't about who is right and wrong. Sometimes, it is just that your not compatable anymore.
Falling out of love is what most call it...Talk to her...and remember, DATING is finding the one you love...MARRIAGE is the thing that keeps you together as you fall in and out of love with the one you love...
Your still just dating... -
In reply to:
What do you guys talk about?
She doesn't really like talking on the phone cause there is no room in her house that is any way soundproof, but we used to text a lot and we talk online. A typical online convo goes like this these days:
"Hey"
"Hi"
"How are you?"
"Fine. You?"
"I'm grand"-2 hours later-
"I'm gonna head off to bed now, night."
"Night"That last bit is optional since she doesn't always tell me that she is going offline.
When we're together wetalk about random things, food, movies, college. Its basically small talk, I joke a lot to make her laugh but it just doesn't do it anymore.
In reply to:
Does she just think you're weirdly depressed and is afraid to say anything?
She knows that I have a weird depression thing, she has had issues with depression herself. We joked about how if we ever had kids we'd have 8, 4 with depression, 4 with mania and we'd release them on the world. Her mum has brought her to the doctors before and he always said that she was fine but my gf doesn't believe that there is nothing. I tried to get her to visit a different doctor since the one she was brought to was a family friend but she didn't want to go.
In reply to:
is there any chance you could get a mutual friend to talk to her?
There is someone I could ask, hmm.. maybe I should giver her a call. Well, not right now since its 2:27am, but tomorrow. Altho if I put it off til tomorrow it won't be done.
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But the thing is that I haven't fallen out of love with her. I still love her to bits, if I didn't I would be able to handle this a lot better. The reason I want her to do it now is because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who dislikes, or even hates me. I want her to tell me if she still has feelings for me or not.
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Can you send your friend an e-mail now?
(You think you're having problems? I'm having difficulty conjugating the verb "to be".)
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I could, yes. Yes, I will do that now.You should learn Irish, its great! There are only 11 irregular verbs.
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GEEZE steve....mr observant should be your name....Does the A stand for astute???ON that note....with what I already said..do you think that your depression has anything to do with it?If your not available emotionally she might be picking up on it, and giving you the space she thinks you need.If she is depressed, she may love you, but be fighting off her own depression..
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Ha! Errr....no. Some would say it stands for sshle.Given the place Bob's at, with the difficulty in communication, it seems like a third party would be a big help.
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No argument there!! lol about Bob that is.
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OK, email sent. She usually checks her email in college so she'll probably read it in a few hours. Dunno how long it will be before she does anything or I hear back from her and I'm not expecting any mirracles.And Pepsi, I have no idea whats going on. I was ok with the thought of her just not liking me anymore, I was hurt but prepared. But when she went out and bought me an expensive present for my bday and showed no sign of ending things, its just confused me and I don't know what to think anymore.
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Good luck!
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Hmmm, buddy I felt like I was in your exact shoes... again! Be warned, this is also a lengthy reply but I hope you get through it all because it might be helpful... especially if we are already so similiar.My situation differs. We've been apart for a couple of weeks now. I know that because of the issues that we share and talked about in another thread that I experience things differently then almost everyone. A turn of events will unfold before our eyes and everyone elses sees it for one thing and you and I for another.I often justify it at the time and when it came to my girlfriend I often resented her as time went by. For example, when she threw a party I "thought" she was only hanging around other guys and I felt like she was only baby-sitting me while she had fun with everyone else. I felt that I really wasn't welcome at all. I was convinced that she was hiding her displeasure with me and putting on a fake face for everyone else. I replayed it in my head over and over and I felt broken and outraged, how could she do that me when she already knows I'm no good in groups of people where I don't know anybody!? What did I do wrong? I was so proud of myself for actually being normal around people I don't know, what went wrong with her and me?! I got so mad I actually left unannounced. It was the last straw for her.She has a sobering effect on me and my issues. She knows them well and has constantly been helping me with them. After she explains how she saw and intended the night to go it was completely different then what I had experienced. She said she thought I was doing great and enjoyed me being there, and that she thought she wasn't ignoring me... just having to run around everywhere because she was the host of the party. She said she felt so crushed, hurt, and embarrased when I left. Then when she found out I did (using her odd ability to piece together my mind) she was frustrated and had had enough.Then I get really depressed because it all seems so preventable, after I get over my emotions and I can think logically I compare both sides of the story and realize hers is so much more plausible. Then I feel rotten. I spoiled something I loved more then anything else.What I'm getting at here is, are you sure this isn't happening to you? I know I often had a beef with my girl for doing things and found out she thought I wanted it that way, or that I had misinterpreted everything from the get-go. Maybe she is distant because she feels you are distant... and like it that way.I'm not calling you lazy or anything because I know exactly where you are coming from, but perhaps you should take some more initiative and ask her out more. Maybe not go "out" but come over and just chill out with her. I know my favorite thing to do with my girl when I was still with her was to lay down in bed with her with all the lights off and just cuddle & snooze (Never did we have sex and only sometimes did we make-out). We'd get comfy and relaxed and conversation would just flowed fine... and in directions niether of seemed to direct. I think you (and me) focus too much on what a relationship "should be" when we have to realize that the way the media portrays a good relationship and a relationship in reality are very different. The girl obviously still feels something man, she spend some hard earned coinage on you! I still think it can definitely be saved.Perhaps you just caught her on a bad day or week during your bad spin with her there. I know that also caused ripples with me and mine when she was PMS'ing... she totally admitted it very much affected how she felt towards me. And if worse comes to worse then you might want to do what I did and take a break from her for a month of two. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. But I know me and mine were also very close and talked a lot so maybe this might not be the way to go with you and yours because you are already so distant and you need more closeness.I could ramble on and on and on and you've probably rolled your eyes at least twice by now so I'll leave it at that. I hope it all goes very well for you, I'll pray for ya man... I hope you still have an oppritunity to salvage what you love and cherish.Good Luck!-Hyp
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But when she went out and bought me an expensive present for my bday and showed no sign of ending things, its just confused me and I don't know what to think anymore. I guess you were prepared for the worst, but not the best? How did the email go? I hope well. Really, talking/emailing her IS the best. We can annalize it to peices, but we can't possibly know what is going on in her...
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My friend hasn't replied yet, but I told her that she could do it in her own time.
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OK, my friend texted me. She said that she would organise to go out for coffee with my gf during a lunch break in college.
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I've only just read this thread and I feel really crappy now about the stupid joke I just made in another one, but you know I'd never say anything nasty deliberatly anyway, dont you? hugI think there's no way around this, just straight through it. I think you should look her in the eyes and tell her how hurt you are. If we can see that someone we love is suffering it naturally moves us to do something about it, especially if we are at the root of that suffering. I know what you're thinking "but I dont know if she loves me and if she dosent, that'd be one hard way to find out". I know it'd be the hard way, but it'd also be the short way Bob. What's the alternative, let this suffering go on and on? Personally I wouldnt have involved a third party, but that's the way you've gone; if you still dont feel you're getting any answers I'd say it's because you havent asked the questions. It'd be so much easier for her to fob your friend off with some 'there's nothing wrong, what are you talking about' bull than it'd be if you were the only talking to her.Are you still up?
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Well the friend that I asked is a very close friend to both of us, if my gf would talk to anyone it would be her. And if that fails, I will ask her myself.
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I think that's the way to go from here. Good luck Bob, let us know how it goes.