When I was 8 years old my dad was diagnosed with seutamonias (sp) it is a bacteria based in the lungs like Tuberculosis. my dad had originally had lung damage from running long distances. When this flared up it caused huge scar tissue to build up in his lungs, he was dying. They were not aware of what was to come at the time, so he was released from the hospital, he went in and out for 6 months after. Finally when he was on a visit in calgary, he was rushed to ER. at 9 years of age I was told my father was to die. How ever the next 2 years would change my life forever.
My father was put in hospital for 4 months out of which I would regularely see him, from opening vistor hours to closing hours, sometimes I would even sleep there. People tried to be supportive but did not know how to deal with it. My friends started hanging out with me less simpybecause they couldn't grasp the situation and what I was going through. He was rushed to surgery during the night when his lungs were revolting, he was near death but the doctors were able to save him. He was later centred in a Health centre, which is liek a hospital but much nicer, more involved and you have to be on a list to get in. so for a year and a half he stayed there, me on constant trips. Many a time we would take him to places, I would push him and his 3 air tanks along. I would usually get glances, some weirded out glances, some sympathy and some not caring. At most time I felt like I was being made fun of almost, kind of embarrased. Embarrased because of my father dying, of all reasons? When I left for holidays one summer, they told me my father would not live more then 3 months. So tryign to make the best out of the holidays, my family tried to distract me. I was very angry at this, distract me of my father who was dying? 12:00 Miday August 15, - We got the call that the lungs were available for my father, my mother was crying ( they were divorced, which made this eveen harder ) and the relatives were happy. However I was not. His heart barely made the requirements and the surgery was 60 / 40. 60% chance of death, 40% chance of success.I thought to myself my dad was surely goign to die. The operatiom was 12 hours long. And a success! My dad had lived. But I was not happy. No matter what I was still not happy.
School - in grade 6 everyoen ahd forgotten what had happened, my dad still recovering, however I was doing the exact opposite. I was suffering of post- traumatic stress/ depression. By grade 7 my grades had dropped from 85% average to a 33% average. My friendships had gone from good to stale. Life was bad, life was boring, life was mean. But the feeling that was there the most -- Hate. How could "God" do this to me? I had grown in a Roman catholic enviroment including my elementary school from 1-8. And I'm supposed to believe that god was nice, helpful? They say god saved him. I say where was god to prevent it? Where was god to prevent from my grades dropping? I was put on zoloft, to this day I still think it stunted my puberty (but thats irrelevent) The made me go to counsellors. Howver they could never reach me. This experience had given me much wisdom. I went through a crisis at the age of 9. They couldnt understand me. Often I would argue with the psychologists. They wouldn't be able to get at me, I had turned into a stubborn smart ass, who wasnt gonna take adive from a bunch of 40 - 50 year olds, what do they know, right?
Grade 8 - Grades improved to 66% average, my life starting to get back on track. Since the experienced I had turned into a kid with a voice. I voice my feeling and still do now. I get in trouble for a big mouth, sure, but it's worht it to see my opinion go somewhere right? I am spending most of my time debating with my teache rather then taking in education (to this day I still think I was right most of that time, she was a moron) I develop friendships with the right people, and the people who go with the flow usually were going the other way. I was and still am a Rebel. I would get made fun of, sure why not, just as long as I am heard.
Grade 9 (Present) My grade have gone to average of about 73% and I dont see them getting higher, I've cahnged very much since the occasion and I think its opened my eyes to the cruel world many do not see. We are shut in our corners of the world in a nice home, warm food. People in africa are dieing because of lack of treatment, 2.4 Billion people dont live in sanitary conditions, what can we say huh? The world is great.
I've been through depression, and I've fought out of it, I have valid reasons, dont make stupid ones. Most of all, suicide is not a resolution, its a way out. Do you always want to be called a quitter? thats what suiciders are. They quit, give up -- Lose.
Enjoy the little peice of earth you call home, it doesnt last long, and the length it lasts can be cruel.
