OK, I'll try and make explaining this as simple as possible, I'm gay, 33, married (to a dutch guy) and have had two long term relationships. One of 12 years and my current relationship which is now just over 3 years. Over the last six months what started as an infatuation with a straight best friend and work colleague has become an issue that is always on my mind. At Christmas I had a burnout, some of this had to do with a change of job and difficulties with my current relationship but the major problem has been the love I now feel for my best friend.
I know I am loved by my current partner but he's not a the touchy feely person I am. Every couple of weeks I go out with a group of work collegues socially and I usually end up staying over at his place as getting to where I live after 12 is not really possible. I sleep in bed with him and he has no problems with me cuddling up with him in bed. I think this is partly to do with him being brought up by gay parents and the other that he's just an incredibly open minded nice guy. I know that he knows that I find him attractive and is completely comforatble with that but he doesn't know that I'm in love with him. For me closeness I feel when I'm around him is something I miss from my own relationship and I know he isn't the right place to be looking for it. The last few times of staying with him i've had a hard time trying to keep my hands to myself and have fondled him and on one occasion masturbated him to climax. None of these situations are ever discussed and our friendship continues as normal, well, for him it seems to.
Sometimes he asks me why I look so sad and I just tell him I can't tell him why but at some point i will. I've wanted to tell him so many times as I feel like it would make me feel better, although to be honest would it really? I would be heartbroken to lose the friendship as its one of the few I truly value but seeing him at work everyday is a constant reminder of what I feel. Those feelings haven't haven't changed in six months.
I know for a fact that he's straight, I don't even think he's bi, so the contact thing confuses me. I'm currently at a crossroad where I don't know where to go. End a relationship? Leave my job? Lose a friend.
I'm in need of some advice no matter how confronting it is.
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Emotionally confused
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Hi HelmsmaN,
thanks for the reply, I agree with the things you've said, the couples councelling is something I have thought about quite a few times. From my perspective a relationship in something that is monogamous so the boundaries of my relationship have been broken. Something I didn't add to my first post is that for the last 8 months my partner and I have been sharing our house with a guy my partner used to work with. My partner and I agreed to let this guy (20) live with us (he's straight and we're pretty much playing almost a parental role in his life) as his home situation with his mother was very unstable. Although he's 20 from a social growth perspective he's more like 14. The original deal was that he was gonna go back to school and work in a call centre in the evenings and on Saturdays. This would allow us to still keep most of our private time together.
After two months of school he decided that he didn't enjoy what he was studying and he took a full time job. I am now in a situation where he is working the same hours as we do and is always at home when we are. As I sit here at the moment writing this my partner is at one end of the sofa, i am at the other and the 20 year old is lying in the middle with his head on my partners lap watching TV. Sounds strange I know, he gets more emotional attention out of my partner than I do and its something I'm starting to resent. I have tried to discuss this on many occasions that I'm not happy with the situation but the reply is always the same, a promise was made (a 2 year promise if I remember rightly) and that he's not gonna kick him out. Even at the sacrfice of our relationship? the feeling I have is that if it did come to that I feel like i'd lose. This has changed things for me in a big way, my tolerance level for time spent in my own house is limited. I have to spend more time out to be able to keep myself happy. My partner has said that discussing this puts a lot of pressure on him and makes him incredibly unhappy when I bring it up so I've stopped doing it.
Its given me more time to myself, which for the first time in my life I'm actually enjoying, but I can feel its pushing me further and further away. Hence the fact that i'm now in the situation i'm in because of this. I feel like i'm trapped in a leaky boat that i'm desperately trying to stop from sinking.