Post deleted by the request of the OP ashley69
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I cant fucking take this anymore
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thanks for the reply hunni.it made me cry tho. but thats ok.i just do feel like its my fault. i feel like i should be doing something about it. like im just running away from it all. i fucking hate myself. i just feel so empty. like i have absolutely no motivation for myself. i stopped drawing again. all i want to do is sleep and cry. i miss my family. i miss my kitty. i miss my grandparents...i fuking miss everything. i just want to wake up and for it to all be over.
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she died in my arms after she nursed her babies... we gave her babies away a week before she passed. she wouldnt eat and she could hardly breathe... we were on the way to the vets, and she cried out and fell in my arms. im a huuuge animal lover, and i found this really hard to deal with.i really hope i can survive from this. i thought i was feeling better. but every now and then i have these dreams of my poppy and my nan and muffin. and then i wake up in tears and i feel broken again.
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im so sorry Ashley, this is quite a situation, It makes me feel selfish compared to some of the things I complain and get depressed over. Your a strong girl just to be were your at with it right now, i myslef would never be able to handle anything like that without snapping, and for you to be even were you are right now shows your strong =)I wish I had advice to give but im not really good at giving advice in these types of situations, but im a pretty good listener so if you ever need anyone to vent to go ahead and drop me a message or anything :).Hope everything turns out ok, we'll all be thinking about ya im sure!Sorry again,
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the one thing that i can say is that surrounded in the environment, and the suffering and the things that are happening and that you feel helpless, it would be really hard for someone not to feel depressed. there is so much we can do, and when we feel like we are helpless, and we feel that nothing, and a failure in the eyes of everyone, it is really hard not to feel depressed. it is not simply this, but a build up effect that you start to feel, and you start to accept it as truth. as the real reality that is. when you see all of these things faced against you, and you helpless to do anything, it shooks us the bottom of what we can do, and it shakes our confidence in ourselves. your situation is one that is tough to deal. you probably just want to express this, and sometimes it is really good to let it out. sometimes it is really good to let these things known to somebody. glad you posted this, whether was a rant it is good for you. the only thing that i can say is things may get worse, and this will cause you to think you are more of a failure even thought in the eyes of everyone you are a fighter that is doing everything she can do help the people she cares the most. you are probably someone that has alot of talents like drawing which i got to see in those two drawings, and alot of good qualities, yet because of the current affairs, your mind and your judgment is clouded. this is normal, and in everyone's moments of weakness, and of feeling like a failure, there is nothing better than to find support and try to see the positive things even thought you might find it hard to recognize the many good things you possess. one advise i could give you which i have found to be true in my personal experience is not to do anything final when you feel your judgment is compromised. anyways, i hope you feel better, and well, althought i am fairly new, i feel as i shouldn't be doing this......
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thank you so much for your kind words. i just got home from work and i read your message, and i almost cried. it really helps to know that if i need someone or somewhere to rant to, i can come here
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hunn, i dont even know who you are, but wow, all i can say is "where the hell have you been???" why havent you been on this site sooner? your post made me feel so special. i forgot how to feel that way. but i felt it when i read your post. thanks again.
love,
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hun i know what your saying and i completely understand. see the thing is, im not really thinking about the future. the future isnt going to put food on the table for my family. the future isnt going to help pay the bills. i just feel like i should do something NOW. but i DO understand that my future is important. but the only thing im worried about is how very soon if nothing changes, were going to be homeless. i feel like such a failure.... :cry:
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the only thing besides listening I can offer is prayer, so if you'd like me too, I'll def say a prayer for you and your family :smile:
Best of wishes to you hun! Im pulling for ya for sure!
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oh hunni!! you can say what you want! if you want to pray, by all means, go for it i woke up this morning from having more weird dreams. i cant remember what they were about tho. i dont really want to.i feel right stomach sick.
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I know your concerned, but it isn't your responsibility. The only real responsibility that you have is to yourself. Each of these people, are making choices that affect THEIR life, and it isn't your responsibility to make the choices for them.
There is only one person in this world that you can control, and that is you. You can set a good example, and take care of yourself for their sake, and then it is their choice to fallow suit or not.
I am not saying that you can't or shouldn't help out, but it is an awful lot for you to take on completly.
What is the chances that you can move in with your boyfriend if your family becomes homeless? Your staying there alot anyway.
As for your mom, she will make her own descision no matter what, and sometimes it takes rock bottom for someone to get out of a bad relationship, off drugs/alcohol, and she may need that in order to get away from your dad's crap. As for your dad, he might realize that he STILL has to work, in order to eat if no one is providing FOR him...
I am not advocating homelessness, but I just don't think it is your responsibility to take care of them. THEY made/make the choices that put/keep them in this situation.
Do good for yourself. Your worth it!!!
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dad HAS tried to get a job. theres nothing around. and we dont want to move across the country again. and i do feel like its my responsibility because its my family.
if my family becomes homeless. where are they going to stay!? i am not staying somewhere if my family cant.. i dont know anymore. im fed up. i feel so fucking guilty for posting this topic here in the first place. i feel like a cunt.
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Quote:smoking,drinking and food. even mom says he has a drinking problem. he drinks whenever he has the chance. and he drinks it fast so noone else will have any. then he eats, hides the booze from my brother and goes to bed...thats all thats important to him. Umm this was my impression of dad...sorry if it wasn't the WHOLE story.Don't feel guilty about posting here, it's a good place to vent, and think things over.I get it, it's your family and you love them...But NOT your fault. Have you ever been on an airplane? They tell you, that if there is a need for the oxygen, and you have a child, take a breath for yourself first, THEN give the oxygen to the child.Do you know why? It is because if you pass out, your useless to your child. Think of your family like that. Do well for you first, that way, you are useful to them. You can't fix EVERYTHING, but if you start with your own success then, you will have it to share with your family. It is a long term goal, and your worried about the here and now. I hope it all works out for you. Everything will be ok, maybe not comfortable, but ok.I do wish you the best!
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no need to feel guilty for posting. i kind of understand what you are saying. when you see something bad, and you know that is going to happen, and can't be a factor to change the outcome, you feel helpless. and what is worse is that every time that you think about what is going to happen, you relive it in the future. it reminds me of what hobbes says. it is not only the art of war that tests the strength and convinction of every man but the thought of going to war, and waiting for war to happen that tests the will of men. so, everytime that you think of the bad things that are going to happen, it tests your confidence even more. so it isn't only the actual thing, but also the thoughts that go to your mind of being helpless that worsens the situation. it puts you into some kind of downward spiral. and again you start to accept that as your reality, and you begin to apologize and feel even more guilty for not being able to help. and in response you begin to dig and become more in this subjective process in which makes you want to look at yourself even harsher. and then, because of that, everything that happens you start to see as your fault. clouded judgment........and well the only thing you can do that would help you in my opinion is to step back, and not to focus on what you can't do, but focus in what you are able to do. what is so interesting is how the mind works, and our ability to rationalize things that in an objective mind it would sound like crazy. and that is what you are doing. you are rationalizing something that clearly would make no sense once you escape this state of mind. in my experience, i have felt responsible for what has my mom suffered throught althought she suffers from chronic depression, and bipolar disorder. and i do everything i can, and even thought i may sound as objective now, i have had my moments where she has had crises then i start to think to myself that if i had done more i could have done more, and i start to feel guilty. i become entrenched on it, and i focus on what i am not able to do, and i start to rationalize it as if i could really do something about which i see as a natural response to cope with. i hope you can step back, and let it go, yet that is the hardest thing to do, but do it. just let it go, and focus on what you can do. there is nothing more you can do but surrender......
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Hi ashley, your first priority is to get your strength back. For that, you should try to get out permanently. You can't help the family from within the mess - it's too depressing. You can only help by putting some distance between it and you, enough distance so you can be stronger.
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Quote:and i do feel like its my responsibility because its my family.My mom feels the same way and she lets my uncle (her younger brother) walk all over here. He just moved out and got himself a hotel room. He spends his money on weed and beer. He doesn't do anything but work at a shitty job, smokes weed, drinks beer and lays around on the phone. He didn't help us out at all.My point is that you can't allow yourself to feel guilty for your family's mistakes. Don't feel obligated to help them out because it's not your job. They are family, but there is a such thing as tough love.
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yeah i understand what your getting at there. i just feel guilty because i want to help them. but i just CANT :cry:
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i guess so. i stay with my bf a lot. he lives about 15 min away driving. i stay there long enough until i feel excited to go home. i just wish it wasnt that way tho... -_-
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i guess so. i stay with my bf a lot. he lives about 15 min away driving. i stay there long enough until i feel excited to go home. i just wish it wasnt that way tho... -_-
Must be nice. I'm in the same boat you're in family wise, but my "boyfriend" could give a shit...