Here goes...

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I will try and keep this as short as possible, though I know it won't-- its a vent. A little background info... I am guy in his very early 20's who is in college. I am a virgin and I haven't kissed a girl yet. (Edit - I am average build and not bad looking at all, not cocky but I know Im a decent looking guy 6'1 - 170lbs)I know, pretty damn embarrassing and pathetic. Onward. I dated a few times in high school with relationships never lasting more then a few months, and for some reason I couldn't ever man up enough to just go for it. The girls these relationships were with were very respectable, slightly conservative, pretty good looking girls... I could get em, but never keep em haha!(people were always after em) Call it self-esteem issues, low confidence, anxiety, fear, or just plain being a wuss. I have though watched, seen, and passively gained an extremely vast amount of knowledge through seeing and hearing about friends go through all kinda of relationships, so much so that all of my friends think I've not only been kissed but have has sex with more then one girl. I have a hell of a knack for lying, and you might even say when I get a chance to make myself look a little better or keep up with the crowd experience wise, I am usually one people listen to for the stories. Got to say its a real ***** to keep up with though. Oh, and since college started I have had multiple flattering offers for sex(through parties and hangin out etc), but Ive declined everytime, and most all the times it's been a huge surprise to those declined and horny... and I have to admit I look back and kick myself sometimes, but I really want the first go to be special... call it old fashioned... but the other half is like damn... it's just sex, go for it. Either way somethings kept me from following through...To the point, I've met this girl here at school who I really have hit it off with. We've been hanging out for almost a year now, just as friend for the first 3 quarters or so, but in the past 4 months Ive made real effort to let her know I care about her much much more. Now please know, I know I am inexperienced etc, but I consider myself a very grounded person, I do not LOVE this person, I maybe a little infatuated, but I know how this all goes down. Just to preface. So we started out pretty light hearted just random dinners and drives getting to know each other and just taking things slow. Eventually the text log on my phone and my nights were filled with her and we were really flirty. We stayed home a few nights and did the movie thing and got close and I even had an arm around her etc, but could never really get over the panic mode of just going in for the kill.(Story of my life as you might imagine.)So I am sure i'm sending ridiculous mixed messages at that point and well I even tell her I like her alot and questioned if she felt the same way, she told me she loves hanging out and getting close, I am cute etc, but she wants to keep getting to know me more... so no big deal, she even took the time to ensure that this was going someplace good. So I told her hey, no problem, well just keep playing these tell me something about you I dont know games, and going out... and if you find you like me and want to try this out then awesome, if not, hey well just keep having fun. So fast forward to about a week ago... thigs have picked up we hang out a ton more etc keep getting close, then all the sudden when I push a little talking online she flat lines on me telling me shes not sure she feels the same way she knows I feel. Now at this point even I know it's a lead on, and a bad one. How you say? Your just interpreting it that way you say? Might be but the classic signs were there of a beautiful thing. People were asking her and me in school... college mind you... if we were in a relationship or thought we were dating etc. Our call logs are crammed full of eachother, and we talked like we were an item. Even the roommates were blown away. I do a lot of pressing on the issue, and find out she loves spending the one on one time together, and thinks Im a cute guy, etc. Come to find out she never dated in high school, but when she got to her first college she met a guy she was with for a yeah and a half and they were talking marriage!? At this point the immaturity flag goes out, people thinking the first person they click with means they are ready to close the doors. Now I know well there are genuine stories out there of people finding eachother and BAM... its a real storybook thing. But in most cases it's just the inexperience and nievety of the people involved. So she tells me all this and that she's weary about starting up a serious relationship. She is very introverted and really hates the spot light too. (Edit, Not even close to thinking about marriage, its a topic that makes me uneasy... serious relationships are fine with me, but so is having fun and enjoying myself... I'd like a healthy sex life and just someone I can be myself around etc... I know one relationship will prolly not be enough for me to close the doors, infact Im sure of it. So Im not one of those types who thinks oh my god first real serious thing Im in love... I got lots of time haha)I guess there are alot of details, but what I am looking for is some general input... I stuck her for 2 days of silence because I just had to clear my mind for a bit and be mad etc. I didn't wanna come out and say something brash or off the cuff. So I calmed down and laid it out like this. I respect that she doesn't want that right now, or is afraid of getting serious, and we should still keep what we do have, which was an excellent friendship base. I am not one to believe in friend zones because Ive seen them broken, and have broken them myself. After this crap all broke down the way it did we ended up talking for like 4 hours... she was questioning me on past relationships, family, everything personal... and when I told her it was kinda off the wall she told me because this maybe going someplace more then friends sometime in the near future... kinda mixed dont you think? I left everything in the relationship department very broad and open for interpretation, she has no idea I am a virgins virgin. She asked my why I never kissed her as well... and I was like would you have even wanted me too? Guys... its not like I didnt try... so many times... on the deck, at the end of the night hugging infront of the car, on a bench outside etc.... I tell her that along with some string about not feeling a right moment cause she never really seemed open too it, once again shoots and scored with bullshit and she ends up agreeing with me that even though it was a test to see if I liked her enough and an indication of chemistry for her, my plight about not even feeling that she wanted to and her admitting she was kinda distancing at times left me the winner of that run down. I feel like an idiot. You know the story, I am this anxiety ridden, low confidence guy, who can bullshit the hell out of people so much so that they think I am a different person entirely in aspect of his life that really don't effect anything but my own personal accomplishments. Kinda like the girl on garden state who just lies... haha. But with her I have been honest... vague, but honest. I still like this girl alot and would like to keep trying for her since it seems so open ended... and I want to know what my deal is!? I dont think I know of another person in the situations Ive been in... Advice please? About anything! If I think of anything else I will chime in... feel free to tear away at this... any thoughts comments? Not sure how I feel about questions... maybe pm them or something. First time here and first post. Should be around for a while I know that if I just went for a kiss or even had sex, Im sure I would do juuust fine, observing and doing are different things, but I know and feel it. I'd kinda like to hear from those around or older then me. Not that I mind if younger people reply at all, it's just im not entirely sure most would understand all this...Also, all you teenagers who are upset or embarrassed for being a virgin or inexperienced, at least your not in my shoes.

Welcome to A2A, Methodology.

Can I clarify a few issues? As I understand it, you care about this girl but you're not passionate about her. You want a relationship but you're far from sure about its long-term future. You've said you've been honest with her, but your honesty has been mainly not telling actual lies - she doesn't know you are as inexperienced as you are, or presumably about your true feelings or doubts.

It seems she is also uncertain about you. You haven't even kissed her and she's not sure about your commitment. She probably senses you aren't telling her everything.

My feeling is that unless there is a lot more openness you are just setting yourselves up for continual misunderstandings. You are trying to have a relationship without danger, without vulnerability, and I don't think it will work.

Well the thing is, I really do care about her. I am looking to start a relationship and take it from there. The personal information isn't really something someone blurts out this early in the game right? I am afraid that it will be a pretty big turn off to just tell her that kind of stuff voluntarily. I feel like doing so would worsen the situation... I am really trying to be honest with her but telling her some of that stuff mainly the virginity part, which I wouldnt mind losing to her, wouldnt seem right to tell her unless we were actually in a relationship headed that way right? I am sure she see's the commitment, as we are together an awful lot of time and she knows im not interested in anyone else. At least I think so, I know there's a lot of mistake in assuming. I don't plan on telling her I havent kissed anyone, cause honestly if there's another chance Im going fo rit period. I kinda told her I would respect where she was right now and not really pressure things forward... and that, that part would now be up to her(continuing this anywhere forward) To which she replied, so it's my turn to pounce then? Which she said playfully, to whcih I replied... at will. :smile:

The thing that upsets me the most is that you're not being honest with her. Just tell her. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed about. If she's a good person, she'll accept you -- inexperienced or not. Isn't it time you too got personal? It sounds like you two are working your way toward something serious. Man up and stop telling lies and keeping secrets. I do suggest that before you two get serious to go ahead and tell each other what expectations you have for a relationship. Both of you should be comfortable with the sex and no marriage thing.If I were in your shoes, I'd tell the guy before things go too serious so he wouldn't expect something he's not going to get. Make things clear and lay everything out on the table so you don't set yourself up for disappointment.I'll be 23 in October and I'm a virgin by choice.

Thanks for the replies. I want so bad to be honest with her, and your right... I should just tell her. But the thing is she's reduced us to friends right now until she can overcome this fear of starting something serious. She has even said maybe shes just making excuses cause she's afraid to start one. The only thing is now that were kinda in this limbo... how am I going to bring it up? Should I bring it up? Or wait until things get back to more then friends terms? Or do you think letting her in on this vulnerability thing might make her feel closer, like I opened up to her? Also, should I maybe just say I am sorry but I wasnt entirely truthful about why I didn't kiss you? How far do I go in telling her... I have decided that she is worth ever ounce of effort in my book, so I want to be completely honest but I dont want to just IM her or sit down with her and look at her and just blab out, oh by the way Im a virgin whos never really kissed a girl... or do I!?Ugh I am so lost right now. I hate how things aren't as close as they were just a week ago... like I said, I left it to her to show me if she wanted to take things further... Like I said I want to be honest I just dont know when and where is the right place to do so under the current circumstances. I am the guy, so she would be the one telling me about that IF we started something. I don't know it all seems so textbook, me and her, it just works! I just hope she has someone to tell her to go for it and stop worrying, I am most certainly not out to hurt her in anyway, I really genuinely care about this girl.

I think she probably knows you are keeping things from her, and is therefore reluctant to enter into a relationship with someone who already hides so much. I personally would have loved a guy to have opened up to me in the way you mentioned, sitting down and admitting all. It's endearing and makes you feel trusted..

I think its worth a shot :smile:

I'll be honest im a little tried and found it difficult to keep my eye on the big picture, if im wront im sorry but i'll try to help anyhow.First i have a question, it may seem a weird one but were you mostly raised by your mother?From experiance guys who are a big off with women havent had much of a father figure (based on the actions of 3 friends who i have, just curious)Anyhow...When it comes to being honest about sexual experiance i apreciate it can be tough especially if you've built yourself up that you have had sex etc, personally i dont think it is her business but if you feel you can tell her, do, but depending on what type of person she is i would be a bit cautious she may find it odd (she may love it).It sounds like your not really taking control of the situation though, you have to be willing to move things forward, from the dates and texts shes given a green light to prehaps try to make a move on her, you could do the hollywood thing by dropping her off home from a date and telling her you want to kiss her on her doorstep (you know what i mean ;).As men we are stuck with the job of leading a situation, mind you in the future your reward is a lifetime of her cooking and cleaning :P, ya just gotta be willing to take the next step, you may find it easier to tell her your problem first.

Im going to do it... Im not sure how, but it's worth throwing myself out there... Im just wondering since where just friends right now if its going to come out of context to her... or whatever. I know I should just stop worrying... cause whats that quote? Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Maybe her eyes will light up cause she seems like the type who would love to have a guy with a completely blank slate. And my dad was always gone on business so yeah, mostly mom even up until end of HS was the primary parent. The thing is I did take control by telling her how I felt, she said she needed to get to know me better, so she did. She says she really likes me, thinks Im cute, and loves that im such a dork like her, but shes had a tough family life as her dad was just a provider and her mom wasnt really ever there to listen so she admits to me she is very closed off and independent. Your right about us having to lead the situation, and I dont mind I just have no idea to get this thing moved forward, especially since her last charade with the excuses and fear of starting a relationship. I am back to flirting with her and she seems receptive, but dont forget I told her that if she wanted things to be more then friends she would need to be the one to show me, since shes the one who freaked and put distance... Im not a damn mind reader, it's as simple as that. Thanks again all by the way, your posts are freaken awesome and insightful.

Oh my god I just told her... I guess you guys gave me the push I needed... she said she felt honored... and was very surprised, she said it didnt make me lose any points... wow that was hard. But I feel a lot better that I got it out there... I just dont know where to go from here... we really had a great talk tonight... I just hope I swayed her closer to me...