I hate this

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To start off, lets just say most of my unhappiness was of my own cause. I am almost 14, Which makes it even worse.I've been to 3 different schools in the past 8 years, which has screwed up alot for me. I left my last school by choice because I "didnt like the people" there.I was depressed because i just had no fulfillment I began at my new school, but was pretty much a loner. so The summer of the year at my new school was the best/worst summer of my life. I met the best people i had ever met. Got into drinking, weed etc. Nothing major. At the end of the summer I tried e and mushrooms for my first time, and was still having the most amazing nights of my life. I took e too an extreme. Managed to get myself addicted to it and began selling it at my school as a full-time dealer.I got caught after in November 2006, and thats when everything turned to shit.Everything I had, disappeared.I lost all of my friends, my parents almost threw me out on the streets. They cant stand to be in the same rooms as me.My life was spiraled down, what freedom to just hang out with people disappeared, etcBut the part that hit hardest was the friends that left my life.The best people i have ever met, changed, and left me behind./ I have never felt so empty in my life.For the past few years, i had a void in my life, where sports, etc would have gone.I sadly filled it with "the life" (sneaking out, drugs, drinking, etc) Which was the most amazing and destroying period of time in my life.And now that its gone, i have nothing to fill it with.I just dont care about life.My philosiphy has been "No matter what kind of a person you are, how rich/successful you become, you're still going to die and rot in the ground" Because of that, i have no motivation to do anything.I just give up. And with summer approaching, I just cant take it. I want this to end.I still smoke regularly .I pop medication unnecessarily.I drink at school.I am addicted possibly mentally or physically to ecstasy.And on top of it all, im unsure about my sexuality.Everythings just crashing down.And I dont want to catch it, I just wanna fall with it.

Stop taking the pills, they causes you to release an unnaturally large amount of endorphines, whichs feels great, but to counter this unnatural release your body closes off endorphine receptors (if that's what they're called). This means when you do normal things which release endorphines, such as sex, exercise and eating chocolate, because you have less receptors your body doesn't release as many as it once would, meaning you physically cannot enjoy things as much as you used to. Life suddenly feels a whole lot worse, as though it's not worth living. Life will be hard, but stop with the drugs and alcohol, and things will eventually start to get better.

I think that what matters is what kind of a person we make of ourselves - not how rich or successful we are, but whether we leave the world better or worse for our presence.You have had a very tough time. Changing schools, losing good friends - these are very hard things. They leave scars and holes that never fully go away.But you are still there, still pushing on. You are struggling, but that's what shows the spark is still there. You're going to get through this.I think the most important thing you need at the moment is good friends. Friends make us happier, and they give us the support we need to grapple with life. Are there any groups you can join that do things you are interested in? Can you help out at something - for example a summer camp?

Its hard to just "stop" taking things I do out of habit.
Im asking way that I can help the issue.
If I could stop completly, I would have.
I need a new thing to fill that.

Generally the best way to stop taking stuff is to move into a different environment, and keep yourself busy, especially doing new things. That's one reason I was suggesting volunteering at a summer camp, though there would be other ways of doing it.

I might be moving to a small town.But that could pose other problems

Keeping occupied is important. There are often volunteer things you could do, or perhaps you could take up some paid work over summer. That would bring you into contact with other people.

I do work.
I get bored.
Its too easy

Ask your parents for help in dealing with your addictions if you're not strong enough to handle it alone. And be sincere about it. You're just a kid and it's still their responsibility to take care of you.When I was a teen I thought along the same lines of no matter what we do in life we're all gonna die so what's the point. You wise up to that bullshit sooner or later and realize that is the point. If we lived forever what reason would we have for not taking life for granted? I still think that way from time to time. Enjoy it while it lasts because you and everybody and everything won't be around forever. Otherwise we all might as well kill ourselves right now.

thanks for your help guys.things are getting better

Unfortunatly,from the thought i've developed lately, i've realized that im not where near clean.Not at all.Im decently keen on life regularly, but my current downfall re-relates back to drug addiction.I'm not really addicted to any specific drug.I'm addicted to drugs as a whole.I've tried the strangest things that are "legal" just to get high without feeling guilty for disobeying my parents.I mean, I wont smoke weed anymore, but i'll smoke salvia, which is worse, and a hallucinogen. Its almost that my concience finds loopholes, that contradict all of my beliefs.Heres a prime example:In our community, we have a dance that happens once a month.Its basically a junior high "club"; everyone goes drunk or high.I refrained from going to them because "I didnt want to be tempted to drink, because if I did, i could never live with myself"Meanwhile, I'm getting drunk at school the previous week and lighting upwards of 7 smokes a day with a clear mind.My most current issue has been a long term problem;finding a good hallucinogen.Which is why ive eaten nutmeg, smoked salvia, etc. I was unsatisfied.I havent tried LSD yet because of the "guilt" issue, so I've looked for alternatives.The other day I decided I was going to try acid, but reconsidered later that day.I then continued my quest for legal highs.I cam across a website selling exactly that, where they had a few i was particular interested in; DXM (cough suppressant) and 4-ho-dipt (some research chemical)I decided I was going to do at least DXM, because chemicals are harder to find.Then I realize how desperate I am, drinking COUGH syrup, just to get inanimate objects to talk to me, or taking a chemical I cant even remember the name of.I have a problem.I dont know how to help myself.I've been denying it all this time.

Ok, first off, stop trying to find a legal way to get high.Salvia is about as close as you acn get, and personally, I got bored with Salvia after doing it 4 times (and after paying $39.99 for about 2 grams at the store, legally).Are you telling me you don't like doing something illegal? Well, the government doesn't want you to see things, so you'll have to do something illegal to start seeing shit. You don't want to do that, it's not as fun as it sounds.Why won't you smoke weed though? Well, I think you should stick with that but other people may disagree (I love smoking and see no downside in it, which is why I'm smoking a blunt as we speak).

Haha, I see your point.I have definetly experienced hallucinations; magic mushrooms, saliva, etc.But it's never enough.I want more.

What are you looking for in drugs, bootacoot? Escape from worries? Escape from boredom?

I have no idea.I just want them unbearably.If I had no concience, I would be either half brain-dead or arrested.I just want anything, so badly.More then a smoke.Funny thing is, I started smoking to try and take my mind of drugs.

Is there anything that has been effective as a substitute for drugs?

Not really.Or i would have turned to that.

Could it be connected with lack of friends?

My mom caught me on L when I was 14. I started using it heavy at school almost every day. I was addicted to hallucinogens throughout the 90's, using LSD almost every day within that decade. It was NA or quitting on my own so I decided to quit on my own. I don't want other people enforcing their beliefs on me. Quit or get fired is how I see it.

No, it's more along the lines of I have quite an "exclusive" friend base. (Im picky)And for some reason, all of the people I pick, seem to do drugs, etc.More or less, most of my school does drugs.I've been told its alot easier to get in with a safer crowd in high school, because of the simple fact; more people.So i'm kindof banking on that a little bit.