Jokes

Dantek

A young minister was visiting the homes of his church community. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was collected the next Sunday, he found his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke out in laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration and flipping him a bird and shaking her fist as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"~~~Q: What's the worst thing about being an atheist?A: No one to talk to during orgasms~~~A guy was frantically driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of my life, and not only that, I'll give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. The guy looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."~~~Q: Are condoms tax deductible?A: Only if they don't work~~~In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So, the reporter went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there was the old man, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. "I'm a reporter, and I'd like to ask how long you've been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years," says the old man. "Sixty years? That's amazing! What do you pray for?" asked the reporter. "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked the journalist. "Like I'm talking to a friggin' wall."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Bessie, 80-years-old, bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with. Why, they actually have a program here that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him into that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So, how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Great, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with this program, they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to read!" "Read?" says his father. "No kidding? What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. But the boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I can't wait to see him talk and read something." "Dad," the boy says, "I have some sad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'" The father says, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother." "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy."~A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he stumbles down a riverbed and bumps into a preacher who is baptizing people. The startled preacher turns around and is overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I have not found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls the intoxicated man out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus?" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, he quickly pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"~~~A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go~~~A man is in one of the stalls of a public bathroom when the guy in the stall next to him says, "Hi, how are you?" "Um, fine," answers the man. "What are you up to?" asks the other guy. "I'm traveling," the first guy says, hesitantly. "Mind if I stop over?" "What? Why the hell would you do that?" "Hey, I'll call you back," says the other guy. "The idiot in the next stall keeps talking to me~On a Monday morning, a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man. "Why?" asked the receptionist. "He is sick," said the man. "Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist. "My uncle," said the voice on the phone.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." A big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat!" dribbleglass

CR125

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.........................................A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'......................................A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' .....................................(the best for last!)A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listento me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' I personally love that one! ^