Okay, so today at school, I was just getting something from my locker before the bell would ring; my homework was left there along with many other papers that I really didn't need, but I thought what the hell and brought the whole thing.
Before I say anything, I'd like to tell you guys that I was the kind of person that used to philosophize too much and began to wander away from the track of everyone else's life. Meaning I didn't care about clothes, looks, materials, shoes, money, love, straight backs, all that kind of stuff. But now I'm starting to because now I realize that though philosophizing, in the end, may be a right way to go, I still want to live a normal life just like everyone else, and if the world should end, then to hell with it, I'll probably be dead by the time the sun explodes from whatever mistake we made anyway. So now I'm starting to care about that stuff again. My clothes are matching more often now - I care about keeping my shoes cleaner now, uncreased, (thought that can't really be helped) and all that kind of stuff. I've also been working on confidence in myself in looks - I always told myself "who'd want to date me? I'm so unattractive and unsightful." which is a typical thing for people to do, but after giving myself a hard look in the mirror, I decided I don't look as bad and I shouldn't feel the way I do. So yeah, I'm working on my self-esteem. I also thought that I didn't really want to try the whole relationship with another person thing because the first time I did I got crushed because I went too far too fast because of three simple words that kids in my community today mean as important as "i want potatoes." Which sucks, and so after that crushing I decided that it wasn't worth it to go through all that at my age and I should just focus on my book-idea instead, my schoolwork, more *important* things.
Okay, so back to school. I'm walking through the halls and I see this couple kissing, which I have no problem with, and left them alone. But around my school there are so MANY couples. People are walking around, holding hands, hands around the waist, KISSING in the halls. I wouldn't be surprised if there was sex in the bathroom. But this got me thinking. In a few years (they were, evidentally, older than I was) will I have to be doing this, too? I mean, I know everyone's not the same and I should follow my own pace, but I don't think I like my own pace (this dislike towards my own pace of the "relationsihp" criteria has nothing to do with other people's opinions, nor should it) because ever since my first relationship of crushing, misunderstanding and feelings of "it's not worth it" I shut myself up and told myself I wouldn't try and get a girlfriend until college or whatever, and made myself totally unavailable. The truth is, I just don't want to get hurt again, and I realize that in order to be in a relationship you need to take that risk but... I don't know. There are a lot of thoughts on this. So now it's like a flower in the winter, withered, dead and lifeless. My apparently so love-life. Which I really didn't mind until it got me thinking. I mean, I know I promised myself that I would get another half at college, but if I don't put myself out there now and learn to deal with things such as heartbreak or learning to let go and learning how to be confident in myself and comfortable with the idea of asking someone out, I fear that I might be so used to not having another half, I might not even want one anymore and by the time college comes, I'll be all, whatever I don't care - I don't need a girlfriend, I'll do it later. Or, I'll want a girlfriend but everything will be so new to me that I won't even have the guts to ask someone out, or play the stupid "game" us people have made out of it today well. Thing is, I know nothign about having a relationship. And I kind of get the feeling now is the time I should be learning the basics. You know, High-school sweetheart, all that loads of stuff.
I find myself slowly crawling over to the "make myself available again side" but I don't know... what do you guys think? Is that flower ready to blossom again? Did spring finally come, or is winter supposed to last six more weeks?
-And for those of you that know of my bisexuality, I know I've referred to my other half as "girlfriend" many times, but I've decided that for the sake of my parents, I'm going to try hard to 'convert' interests. Or at least hold some back. But let's not discuss this now, if you don't mind. I'd like to focus on the bigger thing at hand.